Recent shifts in practice

Over the past several weeks I have been meditating less and less, and doing more inner child work. I put my sessions with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk on hold. My zeal for meditation practice has lessened, and this is discombobulating. Until about the first of November, I'd meditated 1.5 hours daily almost without fail for an entire 12 months. Lately I've been spending more time on Facebook and reading the newspaper, more time than ever since I returned from the 2-month retreat 13.5 months ago. This doesn't seem desirable, but I can't think of how to stop, other than by going on another 2 month retreat and thus hitting the reset button. I'm not sure I want to go on another 2 month retreat--not sure the isolation and occasional periods of intense suffering are right. I've also been spending more time exercising lately. This seems desirable, except for how it displaces time on the cushion.

Feeling shamed by mom

This morning I had an experience I've had dozens, perhaps hundreds, of times in my life: a woman I know expressed some displeasure with something I'd done, and I went into a painful tailspin of shame.

More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.

The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.

It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.

Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.

Assessing spiritual development

A few years ago, while on a long road trip with my partner Eric, Eric challenged me thusly: How can you know that your meditation, psychotherapy, and other inner work is working? At first I bristled at the question, but then I developed a self-assessment questionnaire that I could complete annually. The questions measure how well I've been paying attention, how reactive I've been, how honest I've been, my anxiety level, and self-centeredness vs. other-centeredness. This questionnaire is tailored to me, but it could inspire others to create their own.

I did not actually complete the questionnaire until last week. I did notice, however, that my answers to some of the questions indicated progress since I'd devised the questionnaire. I look forward to completing this periodically.

Here are my questions:

1. Describe the eye colors of 6 people you've spoken with recently.
2. What is the phase of the moon?
3. How many times in the past week have you ranted at someone?
4. What was your anxiety level when you woke up this morning?
5. Name the five most significant people in your life. Describe what is important to them. What is currently "up" for them? How hard did you have to think to answer these questions?
6. What was the last lie you told? Why did you tell it?
7. What was the last time you gave a gift? Describe your motivation.
8. What was your response the last time someone expressed anger toward you?
9. Describe your last sexual experience.
10. What is your anxiety level when you pass a stranger on the street? How strong and immediate is your compulsion to judge that person?
11. How depleted did you feel upon coming home from work the most recent work day? Averaged over recent days?
12. Are you scared when Eric exclaims out of the blue?
13. How sad does listening to wailing popular songs make you?
14. How do you feel about interacting with teenagers?
15. How anxious are you about your financial investments?
16. How are you feeling and thinking today?
17. Have you had caffeine?
18. Did you sleep well?
19. Any unusual & impactful recent events?
20. How is your excercise/meditation regime?

Inner child journal

Yesterday I made a strong commitment to attend to the sensations in my right chest and throat that I've been calling my inner child--or, now that I've identified another child state, the infant/toddler child state. And that I'd attend to this child state particularly when my meditation timer goes off every 20 minutes and when I felt a compulsive urge to check email or Facebook. I knew it would be challenging. I kept a log:

9:53
child: I feel sad, heavy. Wary. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me to risk yet again?

9:57
child: you're just asking me to feel sad all day. This could go on for days or years. What's the point?! It may go nowhere! Safer to just eat a cookie!

10:03
It was challenging to keep attending to the child while talking to my co-worker D. Fear and sadness that I am not receiving attention... then, anger, panic.

10:10
Timer lit up. Didn't want to attend to the child! Sadness magnifies; throat quivers a bit.

10:30
child: So much sadness and fear! It's not horribly unpleasant, but it is very unsettling! It just feels wrong! And, also, right.

10:36
child: A few minutes ago, D. asked me to come look at something; I said "not now".  I'm going to be punished. Looking for danger.
The time is approaching for ISB's 11:15 Wednesday sitting. I am scheduled to meet Julie before, and plan to phone Dad after. Anxious about meeting Julie, talking to Dad, leaving the comfort of absorption in work.

10:45
Attended to  sad/scared child, then feared getting lost in her. Then, seemingly to encourage self: "It would be so cool if the terrified but fiery infant/toddler could provide passion to the talented, high-achieving young girl! What a life that would be!"

10:50
Sixteen breaths attending to child.

11:00
Phoned Dad. Completely ignored child.

11:13
Attended to inner child for 2 minutes before 30 minutes meditation (Kenneth's 2nd jhana). Wondered: what did it mean for me to choose to ignore the child for 30 minutes? Told her I'd be back.

11:15
Jhana meditation was very pleasant. Awareness of child & associated tensions completely disappeared after a few minutes. When I arose from meditation, the child & associated tensions seemed to be absent. They reappeared over a few minutes.

noon
News that a co-worker's son had died. Chit-chat. D and I went to our admin assistant to get the details. Mostly not aware of (my inner) child.

12:30
Sixteen breaths attending to child. Was hard to pull self away from computing.

1:10
Ditto, ditto. Entertained images of infant/toddler interacting with young girl. Sensations expanded, became more full. Amazing and terrible!

1:35
Sixteen breaths with child. Elements of nausea, sadness, excitement, pleasure, sleepiness. Wanted to stay with it!

1:55
Stayed with child through 25 minute journey to Pioneer Square to meet Eric for lunch. While waiting for Eric, awareness of child seemed to avert anger, impatience. Was not aware of child during time with Eric. Returned to child upon boarding 3pm bus back to work. Counted up to 8 and back repeatedly as an aid to focus.

3:27
At desk. Tired. Don't want to make effort to be with child.

3:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Feel sleepy. Throat quivering. Sadness, pulsing. Sense of danger replaced by sense of weariness. Don't want to stay with it.

4:10, 4:30
Ditto, ditto, ditto.

4:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Still felt sleepy and weary, but also a kind of comfortable resignedness. Could have stayed with child if work weren't calling.

Throughout this day, I approached my work with more patience and care than usual. I made fewer mistakes, and experienced very little frustration. I happened to complete a significant task (re-loading T's data using different parameters) just 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave work. I felt an unusual sense of satisfaction.

Another child state: the talented, praised young girl

The book I've been working with, The Emotionally Absent Mother, calls the various child personalities "child states". This morning during my entire commute I attended to the one child state I'd identified: a sad and terrified, but fiery, infant/toddler who usually tries to stay small and quiet. She feels great fear and despair about what might happen were she to become more expressive. As usual, it took a lot of effort to attend to this child state, because I still half believe the accompanying messages: this work is futile, this work is dangerous.

As I approached my office, my mind leapt with delight toward the various work tasks in front of me. Those tasks seemed like a comfortable refuge from the anxiety of attending to the fiery but terrified infant/toddler. I mostly forgot about the frustration and boredom associated with those tasks, and the dissatisfaction I nearly always feel at the end of the work day. Instead, I imagined happiness, joy, interest, absorption, safety, and satisfaction. And I realized that these imaginings were also associated with a child state, one of a later age than toddler-hood. Somewhere between 4 and 10 years old. The young girl who was good in school, who sped through homework, who was the smartest in the class and received much praise for completing tasks, for productivity. Praise for good grades and for making realistic drawings. This child feels loved!

I commit now to attending to the fiery, terrified infant/toddler throughout my work day. In particular, I will bring my attention to her when my 20 minute timer lights up, and also when I feel the urge to check email or Facebook. Bonus if I can also be aware of the young girl taking pride in her accomplishments.

Inner child work

I've been reading from The Emotionally Absent Mother. The author suggests that it's quite powerful to identify one or more personalities representing various child states. One can then dialog with these personalities or allow them to express themselves via writing, art, movement, etc. Eventually these personalities become well integrated with the adult personality.

So lately I've been thinking of the sensations that I feel in my right torso and throat as an inner child personality. I imagine her to be infant/toddler age. Both Saturday and Sunday I spent about an hour paying attention to this inner child. I again was fascinated by the repetitive message that came up: this is a waste of time, you'd better go get something done, this is dangerous, you don't know what you're doing. And fascinated by how powerful these messages are. Because even though it's clear that there is nothing else that I need to do, and that this isn't really dangerous, I still feel a continuous, strong pull to quit.

Indeed, when I stick with this work, the sensations that develop feel quite unfamiliar and frightening. I don't know where they will lead. Fantasies arise regarding familiar, comforting activities such as eating and work. But both days, after some time, the sensations grew to become a warm, pulsing fullness in my chest. And I found some safety and confidence in that fullness. Today this safety and confidence led to my expressing anger toward my psychotherapist.

This work isn't anything entirely new to me. It's really just an extension of the inner work I've been doing all along.

Since one year ago, when I emerged from 2 months at the Forest Refuge, I've found myself more and more able to allow my mammalian reactions to perceived threats. I didn't really even realize I had these reactions before. I find that when I'm sitting in bed meditating, every time Eric stirs in bed next to me, my body wants to spring into defense by rapidly turning toward him and raising my fists or putting my hands out to block any possible approach. I notice the sound of his movement before I notice the physical reaction--curious! More specifically, I notice the sound, then I notice the thought, "I know I'm about to react physically to this", then there is the reaction and my noticing of it. I am very fortunate that Eric doesn't take this personally and that it disturbs him only slightly.

I noticed many years ago that when I am lying on my back in the presence of another person, I very often lose the ability to know what I want. I feel very passive. I'm in a state of submission. If I am asked what I want, I will not be able to come up with an answer, although I'm quite aware that I'm not comfortable. This happens during psychotherapy, on the massage table, and during sex. I shared this with Eric early in our relationship. Since then, we've had a running joke where Eric might say, "Why don't you lie on your back so that I can ask you what you want?" Until recently I enjoyed this joke; to me it meant that he understood me. But recently he said this, and it infuriated me. I said, "To my inner child, it feels as though you are joking about my having been raped." (To clarify for readers: it does not seem that I have ever been raped, but it seems likely that I was in some way used or abused physically. Or at least grossly disregarded.) It seems like a good thing that I was infuriated.

Meditation log moved to Kenneth Folk Dharma

I've moved my meditation log to http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/5034630/-. This will allow me to participate in the online community there, and will allow this forum to be more of a conventional blog.

Log 10/20/12

7:15 am 90 minutes seated insight meditation. Having looked at Dan Ingram's book last night, I was curious to try meditating with a more narrow focus. One thing he suggested that intrigued me was to look at the sensations of craving. This was intriguing because I've been so aware of craving lately. First I tried looking at all the various craving sensations: in the arms, shoulders, hands, chest, and brain area. At times I could also feel it in the legs. But this seemed scattered; I didn't know where to rest my attention. So then I focused on the brain area for some time. That was unsatisfying as well ... I couldn't distinguish the different sensations ... just noticed pulsing, pressure, and tingling. I noted these things only occasionally. Mostly I was trying to see them more distinctly. When other perceptions caught my attention, I did note them (rocking, pulsing elsewhere in the body, hearing). Finally, I decided to notice the sensations of craving wherever they were most predominant. This seemed to mostly be in the arms: tingling. From time to time I noticed worry (that my practice was incorrect).

11:49 pm Sitting here reading stuff on the internet about pragmatic dharma, I feel a growing sense of pleasure, perhaps similar to what I feel after several days of concentration practice. Breathing brings pleasure. Very pleasant day today: sold my car, met with Beth, hung out with Zarina, made dinner, and enjoyed dinner with four lovely people.

Log 10/19/12

Meditated some in the middle of sleeping time. Before going to sleep I had re-read the descriptions of the nanas in Shaila's Wisdom Wide and Deep. It talked about having a fervency to see the Three Characteristics of dukkha, anatta, and anicca, to cast off the burden of the illusion of self. (This is my paraphrase of her words.) I saw that I had such a fervency and reading WWD allowed me to value it more. So I went to sleep happy about the fervency and open to cultivating it--and it seemed that this is why, when I awoke slightly, I applied effort to meditate. And after a moment I snapped into the state I can snap into in the middle of sleep--strong concentration? A&P? Whatever it is.

7:20 am 60 minutes seated whispered noting. There was craving, but it was only about 25% as strong as it had been last night. The sitting was somewhat unpleasant, and I did wish for it to be over, but not strongly. A tiny bit of pleasure, but mostly neutral perceptions, plus the unpleasant craving. Didn't get lost in thought much.

1:00 30 minutes seated noting with group at work. Not unpleasant but not pleasant. The ending wasn't as painful as it had been in recent weeks.

9:30 pm 40 minutes noting while walking home from movie (Somewhere Between, by Mills classmate Pat Verducci). Two or three times, cars honked near me or drove loudly through puddles, and I was startled and immediately exclaimed "Aaaaagh!" -- and was thus able to let go of the experience immediately. The reaction was pre-noting. Such a change from how I was a year ago! So much better than holding it in. ... I experienced so much visual beauty on this walk. I didn't know how to note it. It wasn't pleasant, really. I didn't notice any pleasure. What I did notice was dukkha--some subtle, poignant longing. How do I know it's beauty if I don't notice pleasure? I'm not sure! Everything was so very vivid, and sometimes I didn't conceptualize what I saw right away--just saw it abstractly. I sometimes noted "beauty", sometimes "dukkha", "pain", "constriction",  or "craving". I often dislike long walks in the rain, craving to reach my destination, but today I felt fairly neutral.

I think I understand now some of the suffering that happens as part of the path. Part of it is that one becomes more sensitive and thus experiences dukkha when previously there was numbness. However, there is a gladness and joyfulness along with the suffering. This is enabled by faith.

What to talk about with Beth tomorrow?
- Where am I in the progress of insight?
- What nanas have I been visiting?
- Talk about what it would mean to take on Gil as a primary teacher
- Confusion about how, on one hand, teachers write that it's useful to know what nana your'e in so that you can apply proper effort, but on the other hand, those same teachers (e.g. Shaila) don't encourage students to think in terms of which nana they're in.
- Maybe talk about orienting my life more toward the practice
- Maybe talk about the stress I experienced when we last met
- Retreats: maybe Tina/Stephen in March? Gil or Shaila in September? 2 or 3 months in 2014?

Gestalt: a conversation with Mom

I read today in Inquiring Mind an interview with a meditation teacher who also does Gestalt therapy. While walking from work to the bus, I decided to try one of the exercises he described. I had an imaginary conversation with my mother, first taking the role of me, then taking the role of Mom. Here's a very condensed version:

Me: It feels useless to try to describe this to you. Hopeless. But here goes. You really failed to give me what I needed growing up, Mom. You abandoned me emotionally whenever I was upset. You taught me that I can only be loved when I am quiet and compliant. This was painful then and continues to hurt me.

Mom: Theresa, I can't believe you are saying these things to me. I don't know what you are talking about. I gave you everything. I loved you, you were my baby. How can you say these things?

Me: See, you still can't witness me being upset. You have never been able to. You failed in all the most important things. I really don't like you. In fact, I can't stand you. I hate you.

Mom: This is too much; I don't know what to do. Why are you saying this to me? I can't take this! I just can't take it anymore! What's wrong with you?! You need a psychiatrist. Stop it or I'll call 911!

Me: Mom, I despise you! You're hollow, weak, empty, fake. I don't really care what you say or what you think. (and much more along those lines)

This progression actually took about 10 minutes and included many more rounds of back and forth. Finally, I found myself using a different voice for Mom, the voice of her Buddha nature:

Mom: You're right, Terry. I failed you in important ways. I understand that you hate me. That makes sense. You and I have suffered in similar ways. You are fortunate to have many more tools than I did. You are much more awake and when you are old like me you will be even more awake. May you have peace in your old age. I am happy for you.

Me: Mom, I am sorry that you didn't really even have a chance. I am sorry that your spirit was beaten down irrecoverably at a young age. I am grateful for the tools you did give me. I am grateful that I received what I needed to begin to wake up.

Then I got on the bus.

This didn't feel like any big catharsis, but it was interesting. When I began, the conversation didn't have much juice, and I didn't know where it might go. It seemed like there was nowhere for it to go. But that was incorrect.

The article I read suggested that conversations such as this are really conversations with oneself. And that, when we recognize this, we become more free. But it's not obvious to me how this is a conversation with myself.

Log 10/18/12

7:30 am 5 minutes seated noting. Didn't leave time for more.

8:13 am 15 minutes noting on the bus. Much pleasure, more than I've experienced in any sitting in recent days. And anxiety in response to the pleasure.

A long work day. My work progressed steadily, and I continued to experience a low agitation level and relatively high confidence level.

First hard rain in several months. Eric phoned from Pennsylvania as I was trying to make a tight bus transfer while holding my umbrella, trying not to get my phone wet, waving to the driver to wait for me, and crossing against the signal. Then I bumped my leg into a bench, which triggered anger. The anger ebbed, then flowed again once I got home. It felt pretty solid, but I knew it would pretty much disappear within minutes of sitting to meditate. Remarkable.

8:44 pm One hour whispered noting. Seated, except last 5 minutes was walking/standing. This sitting was all about dukkha. Nothing in particular was bothering me, but I experienced an ever increasing craving for the session to end. I felt it as a tingling in the arms. No pleasure. It became so unpleasant that I made a concerted effort to be as solidly in the present as I could. But this brought little relief.

11:45 pm 15 minutes seated whispered noting before lying down in bed.

I am how I feel

About fifteen years ago, when I was active in co-counseling, I read some advice for what to do when experiencing unpleasant emotions. I'm probably mis-remembering this horribly, but I recall that the advice was to remember that "it is just a feeling". I found this to be profoundly useless advice. To me, the way I felt was my whole experience of life. The value of living, the reason to live, was to experience pleasant feelings. If life were filled with unpleasant feelings, it was just not worth living. And the goal of my life was to fill it with pleasant feelings as much as possible, and to reduce the amount of time I experienced unpleasant feelings.

My point of view has changed. I can't characterize what my new point of view is, but I see that I am less driven to seek the pleasant and avoid the unpleasant. And often I make use of the advice, "remember, it is just a feeling". I remember that unpleasant feelings will pass. I also have skills for letting go of tension and grasping that cause unpleasant feelings to arise and/or persist.

Log 10/17/12

During the night: I have vague memories of slightly waking and meditating, and dancing with the illusion of self in a satisfying way, over and over again through the night. I recall moving my body with the clear sense that "I" wasn't doing it -- and enjoying that, but perhaps also fearing it slightly, with the fear causing me to snap back into identification with the movement.

6:50 am 65 minutes seated whispered noting. Although I was speaking the notes, my mind still found it possible to create trains of thought for me to get lost in :-)  Sitting was not difficult; suffering was low even though there was sadness and existential fear, and pleasure was never noted. Continued practice of last few days of trying to note subtle sensations and mind states; sometimes I would just note "feeling" or "something" when I couldn't name it right away. Expanding, releasing, craving, sadness, sleepiness, fear, pulsing, planning, noting, mouthing, swallowing, rocking, sadness, tingling, aversion craving, craving ...

I've been trying to find a way to note "aversion" without triggering a cascade of unpleasant mind-states. I try to note it with a very soft, gentle voice, and to avoid dwelling on the meaning of the word after making the decision to voice it. So I notice aversion, intend to note aversion, initiate the saying of "aversion", and immediately shift my attention to the next perception even as the word is escaping my mouth.

11:15 am 37 minutes seated whispered noting in Studio P3 at work. Similar experience to this morning, except less sadness and fear.

6pm 10 minutes silent seated noting at the beginning of my Buddhism and the Psychology of Spiritual Development class.

Log 10/16/12

7am 80 minutes seated whispered noting. Again, tried to note more subtle mindstates that I have been skipping over. Noted "noting". Sensed notion of "self" being challenged, disappearing, and reformulating. Observed this process only vaguely and imprecisely, but still gratifying to see it at all. The note of "noting" was always powerful; afterward I noticed (but didn't note) blankness, confusion. Also noted "mouthing" (for the movement of my mouth to form the words). Only rarely did I get caught in thinking. Craved to shed the illusion of self. Seem to be making progress, so to speak, and I have hope that this is leading somewhere good. Experienced a subtle gladness about this.

9:30 am 25 minutes seated noting on the bus. Similar to previous sit, although sadness was more predominant. Seemed I could see that sadness and other non-preferred mindstates were associated with something artificial. I still have very little idea what my experience of life could be without the illusion of self, so I can't get too excited about what is to come. But I can, and do, experience a growing readiness to move away from what is (the constant burden of the illusion of self).

11:30 pm 7 minutes seated whispered noting before falling asleep.

Log 10/15/12

7am 50 minutes seated whispered noting. I seem to be in the same nana as the last few days: very good attention, little suffering, don't get lost in thought too much. Hearing, pulsing, expanding, releasing, thinking, fear, sadness, sleepiness, swallowing, aching, pleasure, noting. Mom spoke to me several times, asking me where Dad is.

The past three days spent with Eric in the Bay Area, largely looking after Mom, were overall happy and satisfying. I was pleased with the patience I had with Mom. Late Sunday night I was up with her for 90 minutes, responding to a continuous stream of repetitive questions and accusations. Was not too hard.

It was both startling and amusing to watch Mom behave in ways similar to how I behave when I am upset. Demands, accusations ... an attempt to regain sense of control RIGHT NOW ... attaching story to anger ... a story with a fragment of truth (Dad doesn't love her or care about her) ... but making use of that truth in a very crude and unproductive manner. Using the crude power of threats and repeated pestering to make SOMETHING happen.

10:30 pm 25 minutes noting on the airplane back to Seattle.

Log 10/14/12

Yesterday was an overwhelmingly busy day:

6:50 am 10 minutes seated noting

4pm 10 minutes seated noting. I had a raging headache from running the Chinatown Street Scramble with Eric. I'd considered lying down, but thought perhaps meditation might be a more satisfying way of obtaining relief. It was. The pain diminished somewhat, but mostly, meditating allowed me to disidentify with the pain.

10:30 pm 15 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.

Today:

7am 30 minutes seated whispered noting. I attempted to begin very gently, gradually transitioning away from being engaged in, and identified with, thinking. I tried to approach it as a joyful, welcome respite from chaos and anguish--rather than a chore that I must force myself to do. Whatever nana I've been in lately, I seemed to be in the same. Attention was good, I felt somewhat "locked in", and the meditation was not difficult; there was very little suffering. I tried to more thoroughly notice and note mindstates that I might usually miss. Subtle mind movements of aversion, desire, and judgement. I also began noting "noting". I resisted doing so, but once I began, the contrast was clear: when I don't note "noting", I identify as "the one who notes". I sometimes craved release from identification with self. Was in bed with Mom; after 30 minutes, aversion to her breathing snowballed, and out of kindness to myself, I arose, even though I had otherwise been really enjoying meditating.

9pm 20 minutes seated noting. Eric looked after Mom. I stopped because of RLS.

Log 10/12/12

7:30 am One hour seated whispered noting. Attention was good and I felt fairly "locked in" as I had in the middle of the night. A lot of craving (to be more present). Sadness after noting "thinking". Is this equanimity? A&P? Pulsing, rocking, expanding, hearing ... Nothing much unpleasant except the frequent craving.

10 am 20 minutes seated mouthed noting on the bus. I realized I didn't care if people saw me mouthing the words on the bus. It was a very solid meditation session. Tone similar to last night & this morning.

Just after I started meditating, I heard sound from the headphones on the person next to me, then watched as fear, rage, judgement, constriction, and suffering ensued. An extremely familiar chain of events that I have experienced at least 10,000 times in my life. Except this time, the final elements in the chain did not appear: frustration, shame, helplessness, despair, because I realized that the initial chain was out of my control. I calmly inserted earplugs to interrupt the suffering.

The first 2 hours I spent at work, I did things other than the main thing I'd planned to do: working on a manuscript that is almost ready to submit. They were mostly non-work things. I felt "bad" about this. Then once I began working on the manuscript, I was happy, and I enjoyed it. The transition was not difficult.

1pm 30 minutes anapanasati concentration practice. I chose to do this practice to see if I could avoid the end-of-sitting anguish I'd been experiencing. I did, partially. The practice was pleasant; it was easy to settle down and go deep. I tried relaxing and using minimal effort. A couple of times it felt like I fell asleep briefly, then awoke into an even deeper concentration state.

7:45 pm  I got a nice 15-minute back massage from James at the airport massage bar. Tried noting a bit during the massage, but it seemed to diminish the pleasure. It seems that the pleasure relied upon some subtle story-telling and some kind of shifting of concentration.

9pm 30 minutes seated noting on plane. Between the massage and getting on the plane, I had gotten into a very down, irritable mood, and I had RLS symptoms in my legs. So eventually I quit and tried to zone out by reading the airplane magazine.

Log 10/11/12

6:15 a.m. One hour seated whispered noting. After about 5 minutes, entered a state that I've been thinking of as equanimity. I felt quite comfortable, and even the suffering was not bothersome. Perceptions were discrete, attention was good. As time went on, fewer things came to my attention for noting; often, after a word came out of my mouth, there was nothing new prominently in my attention to note right away. Many thoughts arose, but I rarely got lost in thought. Perhaps the vocalized noting kept me on track, but perhaps it was also whichever nana I was in. I was quite aware of dukkha. When nothing was happening, there was still dukkha, often in the form of craving (for something more interesting, for the end of the sitting). But sometimes it was just plain, raw, unsatisfactoriness -- in which case, I noted "dukkha". Other frequent notes were the usual hearing, expanding, releasing, rocking, pulsing. Plus dryness, moisture, swallowing--due to the vocalized noting. Thinking. (At first, when I noticed thinking, I'd note the next perception instead of noting "thinking" ... then I remembered that I want to note it right away, and then mostly was able to do that.)

Last night I read a couple of practice logs on Kenneth Folk Dharma. I plan to move my log to that forum after my next meeting with Beth, whenever that may be. Why? I experience a hope that Kenneth and other forum participants will chime in on my logs, allowing me to feel visible, allowing me to become a part of Buddhist history, and helping me better know what is happening to me. (I'd like Beth to comment in writing, but I didn't notice her commenting when I looked last night.) But also, that forum has a more compressed visual format that's easier to scan, it's where a practice log belongs, and it will allow me to keep this blog as an actual blog.

I felt equanimous all day. Content, positive. Work sailed along. Exceptions: my partner Eric was in a very stressful and chaotic situation with regard to his work, and the two times I spoke to him about it, I felt panicky and constricted. Both times I let go of the constriction right away afterward. Also, received some startling news about my mother's health, and fear/panic set in. My heart pounded. Did some meditation; after maybe 10 or 15 minutes of alternating meditation and attention to work, I had let go of the panic. That might be quicker recovery than normal; not sure. In general, over the past few years, I've been able to quickly let go of some (not all) difficult mind states.

9pm 20 minutes seated whispered noting. I was going to do 45 minutes but I got sleepy plus had RLS symptoms. Got up and did noting while packing for my trip tomorrow. I was quite calm and efficient about packing; didn't stress out as I usually do about making choices.

10:30 pm (bedtime) Eric said something relatively benign that triggered anger. Did not let go of anger (though tried) before falling asleep. During sleep, felt hypersensitive and slightly nauseous.

1:30 am: about 50 minutes of the craziest noting session ever. I awoke feeling really uncomfortable; an intensification of the physical/emotional hypersensitivity I'd felt since going to bed. Wasn't sure if it was physical illness or a mind thing. Sat up and began whispered noting. I felt immediate relief as the schmear of bad feeling transformed into a series of discernable perceptions: pulsing, nausea, rocking, fear, sadness, aversion. I felt somehow comfortably locked into my meditation. I applied effort to name each sensation because there was still something I wasn't naming, something like sick-anguish. I had thoughts like, "this is super intense, maybe when people have trouble in the dukkha nanas, this is what they're talking about. Or maybe this is high equanimity even though it is unpleasant. I hope that something is really happening here!" Periodically I found myself formulating a story for my practice log. I then noted "recording" or "narrating". There was a lot of pressure in my head (and chest?); I noted pressure. The nausea was moderately strong (though not nearly as unpleasant as when not meditating) and I worried repeatedly that I might actually throw up while I was sitting. It felt like maybe I was ill from the restaurant dinner I'd had. I continued to be hypersensitive to tactile sensations (Eric moving next to me) and sounds (the sound of Eric moving against the sheets, Z opening her bedroom door down the hall), overwhelming me with a rage that I couldn't/didn't fully feel. So I put in earplugs to turn down the volume. Also, after a while I asked Eric to hold me; this provided a pleasant warmth and psychological comfort, and prevented my reacting to his movements. After some time, some exquisite pleasure snuck in amidst the unpleasantness. At times the pleasure was predominant; at other times notes of "pleasure" were mixed in with notes of unpleasant perceptions. My body swayed a lot; it  was very spontaneous and beautiful, like kelp in the sea. Occasionally thoughts of what is going on in my life appeared and I seemed to gain a sliver of new understanding of each--or perhaps I imagined/wished that I did. This was often followed immediately by fear or sadness. Midway through the session, vocalized noting seemed like too much effort, and I switched to silent noting. Also near the midpoint, I had the thought, "There is extra anxiety and effort here. What if I try to relax and let go?" I did make effort to let go ("relaxing", "letting go"). This had a mild result of allowing more relaxation, a quieting of the mind, and a sense of being fully within my experience rather than looking at it from the outside -- but not a large effect. I wanted (and feared) going deeper and noted craving, desire, fear. Finally, unpleasant perceptions subsided and sleepiness became more predominant. I desired to go to sleep and noted "craving". And then I lay down to go back to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I had the ringing in the ears that I associate with periods of intensive concentration practice.

Log 10/10/12

5:50 a.m. One hour seated noting. Can't remember a lot about it, except I thought it was "ordinary". Not easy, not difficult, not pleasant, not A&P. Sometimes got lost in thought.

11:10 35 minutes seated noting. I remembered to vocalize, or at least mouth, the notes in order to avoid getting lost in a train of thought. It is so effective! Attention was very good. I did not get into the state Trip calls "parasympathetic restorative" that is so painful to emerge from, and that I have lately been getting into during mid-day sittings.

4:30 pm  20 minutes seated whispered noting followed by 10 minutes walking noting (due to sleepiness). Did  not get caught in trains of thought, due to the whispering. Attention was good at first, then dozed off a couple of times. It's funny; when I fall asleep while speaking my notes, I shift into speaking whatever I'm saying in my dream. So it can be, "expanding, releasing, hearing, tell her to go to the back of the line," (or whatever random thing I might be saying in the dream). Not in A&P. Oh, but maybe halfway through the sitting part, I felt like I dropped deeper in some way. This is not uncommon during meditation; I wonder if it's a shift from one nana to another. During the walking, I kept craving for the period to be finished, but there wasn't anything in particular I wanted to do. Except maybe start a log on Kenneth Folk Dharma. Or keep reading this great article by Shinzen Young on what meditation is. Or have a tasty snack!

Log 10/09/12

6:00 a.m. One hour seated noting. I wondered whether I'd be in the A&P again. Once the meditation started, my thought was, "I'm not sure, and I don't want to think about it." Yesterday it was easy to make the call "A&P" because I didn't expect A&P and I could see what it was immediately. But today, because I expected A&P, I thought my call could be influenced by my expectation. Thus, far less certainty. But, I did feel somewhat locked into meditation (something I associate with A&P) and I felt quite present and in contact with perceptions. Meditation was pretty easy. Thinking was at a low level. Sensations were mostly neutral, but sometimes pleasant (including full-body pleasure) and sometimes unpleasant (physical pain, plus short cycles of sadness/sleepiness/other). The unpleasant didn't happen until the second half of the sitting. No insights.

8:15 a.m. 15 minutes seated noting on the bus.

Post-retreat, life feels energized and mostly pleasant. I have the sense that something is happening. Much visual pleasure. People have remarked on my equanimous response to my car getting totalled 9 days ago. This response doesn't seem unusual to me--it seems in line with how I've responded to loss of property in the past. I've been enjoying my work, feeling confident about it, and not getting keyed up during the work day. Impossible to know how much of this is post-retreat afterglow, how much is attributable to the stage I'm in along the progress of insight, and how much is a permanent change due to emotional & spiritual maturation. Oh! and how much is due to the absolutely extraordinary warm and sunny early fall weather.

If I were to guess what stage I'm in ... sheesh. I don't know. Post-2nd-path review? 3rd path A&P?

Considering moving my meditation log to the Kenneth Folk Dharma website so that it will be visible to others on this path.

2pm 30 minutes seated noting in quiet room at work. Can't remember anything about it. But it didn't feel like A&P.

6:30 pm 45 minutes seated noting while waiting for E to visit. I did enter the state that Trip calls "parasympathetic restorative", where it feels difficult to emerge. Except that emerging is a lot easier when I am meditating alone, as I was today. Mostly what tends to be difficult is immediately entering social interaction mode. After this sitting, I interacted with others just a minute or two later, but that was more than enough transition time.

Log 10/08/12

Throughout the night I had a lot of meditative activity. It felt like a struggle with the sense of self. I'm not sure what was going on, but here is an attempt: maybe I was transitioning from sleep into A&P, and noticing my sense of self re-formulating during that transition, and trying to let go of it before it consolidated. After this happened many times, I thought, "why all this struggle? I should just relax and let go." This notion didn't seem to change my experience much. I had the idea that I really wanted to let go of the sense of self. I think I also experienced fear when it seemed the sense of self was tenuous.

6:45 am One hour seated noting. I immediately was in the state that I think is A&P (Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away). Some whole-body physical pleasure, although I've experienced this enough times now that it hardly seems notable. Almost constant thinking, mostly reviewing and analyzing my meditation practice. Noted "craving" and "clinging" when I felt the urge to think, sometimes noting "clinging, clinging, clinging" continuously for a minute or more, but there were only a few short periods (maybe 1-2 minutes) where the train of thought was quiet. Otherwise it was hearing, expanding, releasing, tingling, pulsing.  Very occasional sadness, occasional aching/pain. Can't remember whether I remembered to note "pleasure". No apparent insights.

9:30 Walking to Trip's office, found myself feeling pleasantly excited and unpleasantly agitated about what's currently happening in my meditation practice. Halfway to the office, remembered to do noting. Found sadness.

10:00 Session with Trip. He said that recent research suggests that the experience of shame is disrupted or interrupted collapse (can't remember exactly). And that it can be useful to physically collapse upon feeling shame. He gave me some pillows so I could try it out. I began recounting a shameful-feeling story from my relationship with Eric, then soon slowly collapsed onto the pillows that were resting on my lap. Then, reviewed the story in my mind with greater clarity than I had previously been able to. I found myself in a state of mind very similar to the state I've been experiencing when meditating with others (at work, last night at the neighborhood sitting group), where it's painful to emerge. Trip said it was the parasympathetic restorative state.

Interrupting a cascade of unpleasant body/mind states

A few days ago I re-read some of my journal from my long retreat one year ago. I reminded myself of one of the insights I'd been so excited about: that certain conditions (making a choice, taking action, feeling pleasure) trigger particular negative thoughts, which then trigger tension in my right throat, which in turn leads to a proliferation of negative thoughts and a constant search for danger. At the time, I thought that if only I could notice when this tension appears, pause, and release it, I could avoid much suffering. But I feared that the fast pace of everyday life -- even when everyday life is relatively calm -- would make this infeasible. Turns out that this was correct. During the weeks after I returned from retreat, I experienced great frustration and despair as I lost the ability to interrupt this chain of events.

Today, during porch-painting and my walk home, I paused every once in a while to release the right throat tension. This is a practice I'd pretty much given up last December, partly because eventually I found that I usually couldn't release it willfully. Today (and yesterday, also), I found that I could release it at will. Perhaps this is partly due to the slow-down from my retreat which ended one week ago. It is very pleasant to release this tension; it brings such a sense of ease. However, today I found that as soon as took a single step with my feet, whether to apply paint or to move myself down the street, the right throat tensed again. A few times I really slowed it down, and noticed that, actually, the right abdomen tenses first, then the throat. And that if I put my attention on the right abdomen, the right throat stays mostly relaxed, and the thought-proliferation and search for danger can be somewhat averted. This may be something I observed last year; can't remember.

Log 10/07/12

6:30 90 minutes seated noting. Many bouts of getting lost in thought re: r'ship with Eric, even though I tried catching the urge and noting "craving". It got worse as the session went on. During the last 1/2 hour I had strong tensions in the right torso and a lot of sadness. These persisted upon rising.

Mid-day: painted porch for 93-year-old neighbor. Walked there, 1.5 miles each way. Painted and walked home slowly and mindfully. Extraordinarily exquisite weather for October in Seattle: sunny, mid-70's.

5:45 pm While walking to my neighborhood sitting group, I repeatedly did Bentinho's "relax your mind for 2 to 5 seconds" exercise. I was able to repeat it over and over. On this beautiful sunny day, I experienced lots of visual pleasure, and after a while, thinking was at a very low level, almost unnoticeable. I asked myself, "Is this the state I'd like to be in all of the time? If this state could be continuous and reliable, would I be satisfied?"  The answer was clearly "no", but it was difficult to describe why. Here are some pieces of the answer, though: (1) Although I experienced a more direct contact with sensory phenomena than I do when lost in thought, and also much more direct than I ever experienced (undrugged) until several months ago, I still felt a separation. (2) There was still an underlying sense of dissatisfaction. (3) There was still, lurking in the background, anxiety about the future. Sure, this was pleasant, but it was also an unusually stress-free situation. Bentinho's "relax for 2 to 5 seconds" wouldn't be very handy in a social situation, or a situation demanding quick thinking and action.

I compared my experience to what I used to feel when I would drink a lot, then go for a walk (such as walking home from dancing in the mid-90's). The sensory experience during the drunken walks was more enjoyable; I seemed to experience less separation from phenomena. I remember walking by some favorite trees and hugging them and feeling such joy and sensual pleasure. And because the alcohol was keeping my mind in this receptive state, I didn't need to make any effort to be in the state. I would feel very free.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting with neighborhood sitting group. Another session where I felt like I was mired in this deep state akin to sleepiness. The state was appealing, in the same way that falling asleep is appealing, but I dreaded emerging from it. About 8 minutes before the end of the sitting I pulled myself out of it and kept my eyes open. It was really hard. I tried to note what the unpleasantness of emerging was, but I didn't find any words for it. It just seemed like a big schmear of sleepiness and attachment.

10:15pm 15 minutes seated noting before bed. I felt pretty content to meditate; it was not unpleasant, but I still looked forward to sleep. I didn't get into the deep state I was in during the sitting group.

Log 10/06/12

6:30 a.m. 90 minutes seated noting. Attention was good. Sensations were mostly neutral. As over the past few days, noted "craving" in response to the urge to think, and also, as in the previous few days, the urge to think eventually diminished. At times I felt fear which seemed in reaction to a letting go of the illusion of self. Once I even thought, "Wait a sec -- can't go there -- maybe I'd be going crazy!" Then I thought, "Oh. So this is the terror of losing the illusion of self. This is to be welcomed!"

6pm 45 minutes seated noting. Relatively easy to not think; didn't even note "craving" much. Gradually over time I seemed to go into some deep space where I wasn't very aware of what was going on. Or maybe it was some state similar to sleep. Started with a headache and hunger, but soon those sensations slipped into the background and I was left with hearing, expanding, releasing, pressure, tingling ... At the end, the sound of the meditation timer startled me a bit, and I almost didn't hear it. After emerging from meditation, and reflecting back on the previous moments, it seemed that I wasn't fully conscious. But I don't feel groggy, as I would had I been asleep.

11pm 20 minutes seated noting before sleep.

Log 10/05/12

Yesterday: in morning, an hour of seated noting.

Noting during morning commute, but also intentional thinking. Considered that if I approached my work more as a meditation, where I gently but persistently keep drawing my attention back to the task at hand, I might suffer less anxiety.

Spent day writing paper. Anxiety was very low all day, and work was remarkably enjoyable. Could be due to having set my intention, but probably also due to having consumed chocolate at mid-morning.

I can't remember why I didn't meditate more on this day. I suppose I found it important to keep working. In the evening, it was date night with Eric.

Evening: 15 minutes seated noting as I waited for Eric to be ready to work together on organizing his desk.

---------

Today: awoke, as usual, with fear and dread.

5:30 90 minutes seated noting. For first half, very similar to past two days: concentration was good, attention was crisp, and I noted the urge to think with "craving". Other notes were pulsing, rocking, tension, sadness, fear (occasionally), expanding, releasing, relaxing. Almost no pleasure. Second half, concentration/attention were less strong, and there were many bouts of being lost in thought. Sitting was interrupted three times: Eric saying good-bye, opening the heater vent, checking my calendar after I heard a notification for an impending event (it was "running with Zarina", which I thought I'd cancelled).

1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. When I sit with my group at work, I often seem to slide into some deep state that is painful to come out of. And it is not a state of crisp attention; it almost seems like a state of somewhat foggy attention.

Log 10/03/12

6am 75 minutes seated noting. Experience was similar to yesterday's, but with somewhat lower concentration (yesterday I'd had green tea at dinner the night before): first hour or so, lots of urges to think, which I noted as "craving", then a subsiding of that craving. Didn't notice fear today, didn't have nearly as clear a sense of watching a soap-suds-slippery sense of self flopping around, disappearing and reformulating. But still saw some of that. Fascinating!

Noted during morning commute.

Gil suggested I look at my workplace as my monastery. I had that in mind this morning.

11:15 30 minutes seated noting. Similar.

Log 10/02/12

3:40 a.m. 90 minutes seated noting. For the first hour the mind wanted to be active, in the same way that it wanted to be active during much of the Hidden Villa retreat. However, whereas during the retreat the thought stream usually won out over and over, during this sitting I noted "craving" whenever I felt the urge to engage in thought, and kept 90% of the thinking at bay (compared to at Hidden Villa). It seemed that this was because my concentration and energy were higher today. The urge to engage in thought was very strong, and I felt it as tingling in the chest and arms. After one hour, the urge subsided. This sitting was hard work, but not deeply unpleasant. Other notes included expanding, releasing, pulsing, hearing, sadness ... and fear.  I had the impression that the mind was dancing with the sense of self ... that the sense of self was trying vigorously to assert itself in devious ways and with devious rationales ... and that the fear (new) was perhaps about letting go. And that the sense of self, or perhaps just a chunk of it, kept dissolving and reformulating. The absence of this sense (or chunk of it) felt weird and uneasy, impossible and wrong ... and right ... and wildly unstable. From time to time I made an effort to let go, physically and mentally.

Noted fairly continuously through commute, morning meeting.

2pm Completed a project. Noticed strong resistance against recognizing success. I could call it terror, but that would be a guess. What I actually observe is a strong tendency for the mind to want to focus on anything but the success. If I relax and direct my mind back to the success, I notice a slight dizziness, slightly stronger heartbeat (though not faster), tingling in the arms, and a forced outbreath. If I tell myself, "I just completed this project!" I hear vague messages like, "It's not a big deal, and it's not enough. It's virtually nothing, really, and I actually did virtually nothing." Also, anxiety at needing to move onto something new.

Retreat at Hidden Villa

I sat a meditation retreat the last two weeks of September. It was fruitful. I may write more about it later. I kept a handwritten journal whose content I may try to summarize.

Log 09/14/12

Noon 75 minutes seated noting. First 45 minutes in Studio P3, then a half hour with my sitting group at work. Much less suffering than yesterday. I was able to relax more. It seemed that I let go (for today, at least) some habit of fierce grasping of experience.

Log 09/13/12

Haven't felt like logging much lately. Also, have been meditating less than 1.5 hours/day most days for past 2.5 weeks or more.

1:50pm 87 minutes seated silent noting in Studio P3 at work. (I quit before 90 minutes.) Quite difficult. I was almost constantly aware of a holding (associated with trauma-related tensions in right side) that I felt desperate to release. Pressure, tension, anguish, expanding, releasing, letting go, relaxing, aching, tension, anguish, pulsing, quivering, letting go ... sleepiness (several times I fell into a dreamy state, then "awoke" into a state without much thought) ... craving, clinging ... coolness, hunger. Mind was fairly quiet; when thinking occurred, I let go quickly ... thinking, shame, anguish ...

Log 09/12/12

7:30 am 12 minutes seated noting

11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. So sad to emerge. Today, felt the sadness.

There is a sticker on my computer monitor: FEEL THE FEAR. I spent half the work day feeling the fear. Noticing the resistance to doing work, then imagining the giant person towering over me, menacingly, berating me and threatening me. This helps me have compassion for myself in my non-productivity. But it doesn't help me do the work. Finally at a couple choc chip cookies and got down to it.

Log 09/10/12

7:30 am 45 minutes seated noting. A lot of thinking.

Log 09/09/12

7:00 a.m. One hour 45 minutes seated noting. Neither particularly pleasant nor particularly unpleasant. Good concentration, little distraction, was happy to meditate and didn't desire to stop (but also didn't resist stopping). No cycles of experience/sensation. Didn't feel like A&P. Notes included expanding, pressure, hearing, pleasure, tension, craving (for some better experience), rocking, tingling, releasing, contact, warmth.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated anapanasati concentration practice. I had a caffeine buzz from Linnea's birthday tea party a few hours earlier. The practice was very enjoyable and pleasant! A lot of pleasure ... I find myself having an unbelieving attitude toward the pleasure: this can't be happening, it can't be good, it can't be safe to enjoy this. I absolutely loved the gradual going deeper ... initially noticing tensions and distractions, wondering whether they will ever subside and whether I should do anything to make them subside ... intending to relax into the experience ... occasionally drifting into sleepiness ... and then, from time to time, just noticing that indeed I've gone deeper and the hindrances are at bay and it is so enjoyable and peaceful.

Considering doing this practice as my main practice for the coming week leading up to my retreat.

11pm 15 minutes anapanasati concentration practice before going to sleep.

Log 09/08/12

10:45 At desk at work, spent a few minutes touching my right jaw, noticing, feeling, moving. I employed noting somewhat. The usual rocking, suckling, desire, yearning, pleasure ... hearing, pulsing, pressure, release ... and something new: an intense sensation akin to pain in the right chest. Overall, a sense of desperation, of not knowing what's coming, not knowing what I need, not knowing what to do. And a never-satisfied yearning for some unknown thing.

I meet with Beth in a few hours. I have this notion that I've not been meditating diligently, that I've been misbehaving and will be reprimanded.

Log 09/07/12

7am 80 minutes seated noting. Lots of thinking about r'ship with Eric. A curious mix of mental anguish (shame, craving, clinging, thinking, fear, sadness) and exquisitely pleasurable sensory experience (hearing, feeling).

Afterward, tried to get something from Eric: love? acknowledgement? I want him to agree with my point of view about his life. I felt despairing that, as he claimed, I cannot meet him with gentleness.

10am 30 minutes noting on bus. Similar experience to 7am sit.

1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Strong desire to keep meditating; aversion to the end of the session (as I've been experiencing for weeks when meditating with others at work).

10:30 pm 10 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.

Log 09/06/12

Not sure but I think I was sort of meditating on and off through the night. Was surprised to see that it was 8:30 when I awoke. Was late for lab meeting but felt less panicked about it than usual.

11am session with Trip in Everett. Just a couple minutes into the session, I drifted off into a state of being absorbed in my own mental and bodily experience, seemingly connected to memories of infancy. (This is something that has occurred frequently during sessions for maybe 6 to 10 months, or maybe more.) But I noticed that I was bothered by the sounds of Trip. I emerged from the state and reported this. He suggested I might be angry that he hadn't read my blog, as I'd requested last session, and immediately I knew he was right. We then had about 10 minutes of interaction during which I noticed my trust and liking of Trip and also noticed my fears, anger, and sadness ... and communicated these to Trip as I felt comfortable ... and Trip responding in ways intended to be gentle and supportive ... and me noticing fear/anger/sadness and communicating ... back and forth ... allowing a subtle back and forth during which it was OK for me to reject his offerings, then somewhat accept, then reject.

Then I suddenly went back into the previous state and worked there almost to the end of the session. Very similar to work I do on my own: noticing urges and allowing myself to follow them. I was no longer irritated by the sounds of Trip; perhaps I'd dealt with the anger enough. My body swayed like kelp in the sea. So fascinating! So amazing! to more and more find ways to move spontaneously, seemingly without conscious intervention. Just allowing. I kept finding new ways to listen to myself, new places where I could see a habit of ignoring myself, then let go of that habit. It's OK to do this now. That image or urge is not arbitrary; it has meaning. There is a lot of freedom here. I don't have to ignore myself and refer to a script. What a huge adventure! My body swayed like kelp in the sea, and I also worked with a lot of sensations in my jaw, throat, and mouth. Sometimes suckling, sometimes opening my mouth wide! Just following, following. It is safe here. At first I found my mind busy, and I used noting to stay present. This was scary: to let go of conscious monitoring of my experience. As fun as it's been recently to observe the negative messages such as "this is hopeless", "this is a waste of time", "you're not doing it right", and release them--it seemed today that to go deeper I have to let go of some attachment to these messages--I have to let go of the side of the pool--and that was frightening and exciting.

Relatively enjoyable work day during which I stayed in touch with myself.

Did no formal meditation today. During session with Gene, talked about painful time over weekend when I vetoed Eric's request to pick up markers on the way home from Wyoming; felt like I got no help. Saw Storm (women's basketball) game for date night. Argued with Eric in the evening about whether he is indeed in great need with nobody to help him.

Log 09/05/12

11:10 45 minutes seated noting in studio P3. Less passive than usual: I directed my attention to the trauma-related sensations in the right jaw and throat and tried to move with them. Pleasure, longing, sadness, craving, pressure, rocking, pulsing, hearing. Didn't want to stop. Didn't feel like A&P; not sure which nana(s) I was in. Returning to my desk in the elevator, encountered a senior co-worker around whom I usually feel very bottled up. Found myself smiling and making eye contact with ease, and we conversed a bit.

Stayed in touch with self all day! Yes, it is hard to work at the same time, but I found myself less fearful about lack of progress.

I stayed at the office until around 11pm, when Eric picked me up. The final 2.5 hours I was at the 23andMe website, looking at my genetic data (no surprises) and doing 23andWe surveys. The surveys allow them to correlate the genetic features of their clients with various traits. I really support this but I was also seduced by the survey-taking activity, which is similar to Facebook in its allure.

Meditated about 15 minutes (A&P-like) before going to sleep shortly after midnight.

Me and the monster that is Work

7:30 am: In bed, noticed sadness associated with emotional abandonment of Eric on Sunday. Spoke about it with Eric; observed that I abandon myself in the same way. "For example, right now when I think of what action to take next, I see this gigantic thing above me and in front of me called Work. It is very large, like a building, and amorphous and impenetrable ... nothing subtle about it. And me, I'm a tiny nothing before it, I can't see who I am or what I am, don't know my needs or desires ... just notice that I feel vulnerable and alone, and lethargic ... and that I perhaps desire to just stay here and keep noticing this sadness and fear. But it seems my only choice is whether to get up in 10 or 20 or 30 minutes to go meet the blob, the monster that is Work. I have to go meet it. If I don't go meet it, I won't know what to do, and that would be scarier. And when I go to meet it, I have to stop noticing myself ... I can't feel this fear and sadness and work at the same time."

Actually, this last bit is debatable: in recent weeks, sometimes I've been able to keep feeling. And sometimes I've not.

Eric said that this sounded familiar to him.

Stayed in touch with the fear and sadness throughout commute to work up until this moment, 9:46 am. Noticed new subtleties of sensation and allowed new subtle movements in the muscles of the right throat and jaw ... tiny quiverings, pulsings, suckling movements ... gentle rocking of the head in synchrony. Took a more roundabout walking route from bus stop to office. As I noticed and allowed, the familiar messages came up: time to stop doing this, you don't know what you're doing, you're doing the wrong thing, this is useless, time to move on to something else, you will be punished. They had a tiny bit less influence than ever. I even thought, for the first time, that I can consider these messages as signs that I am doing something right. That I am allowing experiences that I've suppressed all my life. The messages are encouraging signposts, green lights!

As I walked to work, I thought about how much income I need to keep living in the house. If I keep getting rental income, then I only need another $1000/month for mortgage, and another $1000/month for my other expenses. And health insurance.

The Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away, take 2

Just returned from a 10 day orienteering camping trip in Wyoming. Didn't log my meditation, but here is what I remember, briefly:

August 25, late night: meditated as I waited for Eric to get ready for our trip. I was furious. I sat in the living room and occasionally blurted out to him things such as, "I'm never traveling with you again," and, "When you said that you needed to print a form, you didn't say that it was going to take you 30 minutes to first fill it out," in a venomous voice. My attention was precise and it felt like I was back in the 4th nana, the knowledge of arising and passing away.

August 26: I awoke around 7am and meditated joyfully for 3.5 hours. After maybe an hour it felt again like I was in the A&P. I thought, what a delightful vacation I will now have, now that I am in the A&P! I am assuming that I was in first path A&P from about mid-November through January. That time was characterized by mild euphoria, feelings of "being special", desire to get others to meditate, meditating spontaneously in the middle of the night, sometimes for hours, crisp attention during meditation, enjoyment of meditation, and many insights, sometimes one every few seconds. If it is correct that I attained stream entry in July, then it's possible I'm in second path A&P now. The morning of August 26 I had many, but not all, of the things on that list.

Remainder of the week: I meditated sporadically, usually much less than 1.5 hours per day. Did not feel like I was in A&P. At least one session was very painful. The entire week was mostly unpleasant. After around noon every day, and especially the first three days, I felt headachey, dehydrated, lethargic, and uninterested in anything. Every day I disliked camping, as usual. The first two days, I didn't enjoy the orienteering, either. I also didn't feel like socializing with other orienteers. I did enjoy orienteering on days 3, 5, and 6. I also mildly enjoyed going to the pool and/or into town nearly every day with Z.

Yesterday afternoon, E said something to me that made me feel criticized. I started to "feel bad", but then I nearly immediately shifted my attention to memories of Mom being mad at me. After a few minutes, my mind wandered elsewhere and there was no lingering "feeling bad". Remarkable.

Yesterday evening, 09/03/12: Upon arriving home, felt depressed, very sad and gloomy. Talked over some of the events of the weekend with Eric. We gained understanding, but it also brought up a lot of bad feelings. Tried to again shift my attention to early trauma, for relief, but the gloom was too great and I just got gloomier. Felt no relief before falling asleep.

Today, 09/04/12: Awoke around 1am into meditation. Perhaps it's appropriate to say that I awakened into the A&P. Lay in bed meditating for a while. Maybe I drifted off to sleep after an hour or so. Awoke again around 6am and sat for about 20 minutes. Again felt I was in A&P. And again, while on the bus to work. (Side note: I rarely see others meditate on the bus, but today it seemed the man next to me was meditating. He seemed about 35-40 years old and was wearing dress slacks and a white shirt.) I feel euphoric and open to pleasure, and at the same time I am anxious about work and relationships.

Log 08/24/12

6:30 am  60 minutes attention to trauma-associated sensations--described in a separate post.

11:15 am Another 45 minutes of same. This time it felt anguished instead of satisfying. Constant yearning. Massaged right jaw and throat. Toward end, made light moaning noises. Ended with 10 minutes noting as a transition, but it didn't seem to make the transition much easier.

Tried to stay in touch with feelings through work day, but today that seemed to make work nearly impossible.

1pm 30 minutes seated noting. Towards end, maybe had several cessations.

Ate a Matt's choc chip cookie and plunged into adding references to my paper.

Trauma recovery: gathering momentum

I seem to be getting over a hump, making a breakthrough, in my trauma recovery.

A start was recognizing I was recovering from trauma--that recognition happened only a few months ago. Zounds!

This morning I awoke with my usual feeling of dread. Today it was attached to a paper that's due today, fearing that E will be upset if I don't finish it. I wanted to luxuriate in the sensual comfort of semi-sleepiness with Eric beside me in bed ... but couldn't, because of the unshakeable dread.

I knew from experience what to do to break up the dread. I sat up and gave attention to the trauma-associated sensations in the right side of my body. For the first time, I directed myself to give meditative attention to the sensation, to use my powers of meditative concentration. This is just a slightly different approach than usual, just a tiny bit different. I gave attention to the sensations and allowed them to flow, letting go of each one as it morphed into the next. I allowed my body to move as it wished, following its urges. Negative thoughts came streaming by as usual, and I dismissed each one as it arrived. But before dismissing it, I put words to it; this somehow seemed important. The stream of thoughts was so repetitive and so familiar--they were all messages I've heard in my mind throughout my life in multitudinous situations--and today it was easier than ever before to know, with little doubt, that they were not to be heeded. There is not enough time ... this is hopeless ... this is a waste of time ... you should be doing something else ... something bad is about to happen ... you don't know what you're doing ... you've done this long enough ... it's  not OK to go any deeper; it's time to come out now ... it's time to move along ...

As I proceeded it became more and more clear that these messages are associated with what happened to me as an infant, with whatever experience I was re-living in my body and psyche. My intuition is that the experience happened at an age somewhere between 3 and 18 months ... probably closer to 3 months. Soon, it was obvious to me that my dread, my anxiety, had very little to do with the paper that is due today.

From time to time I brought to mind an image of my mother as a young woman hovering above me and looking down on me with an unhappy face.  Bringing to mind this image intensifies my entire experience. My breathing quickens ... fear, pleasure, sadness, and longing all increase simultaneously. And anger. I want to eat her, I want to injure her, I want to destroy her. I want to shake her and make her come to her senses.

At 6:30 I heard Z getting up, and remembered we had a 6:45 date to go running. I hadn't put it in my mind that I would do this, because she'd cancelled our last three dates, and when I saw her yesterday she hadn't mentioned anything about this morning to me. I didn't want to go running at this point; I wanted to continue with this inner work. But when I realized Z was probably getting ready for running, I tore myself away from what I was doing and went to find her to confirm. At the same time, I felt resentment: why should I force myself to get up when she felt free to cancel the last three dates? Then I realized I was acting out a habit that isn't serving me: forcing myself to adhere to commitments more steadfastly than is actually called for, for fear of punishment. I felt a modicum of new freedom from the practice I had just been doing, and I realized I wasn't so afraid of punishment now. I went back to bed.

I spent a total of an hour doing this inner work this morning: paying close attention to the sensations associated with trauma, moving with them, dismissing negative messages. Allowing, allowing, allowing. I felt less fear and more boldness than ever before. Not a great deal more than before -- but I did feel as though I'd gathered some sort of critical mass.

Log 08/23/12

4am 45 minutes seated meditation. First noting, then anapanasati concentration practice. I switched to concentration practice because there was a lot of thinking and suffering; my mind was constantly telling gloomy micro-stories instead of paying bare attention to phenomena. The anapanasati was soothing.

9:30 pm Met with Ron Crouch over the phone. For 45 minutes we talked about the experience that Beth thinks is stream entry. He agrees with her. He said that when I experienced pleasure immediately upon sitting the next day, that was the 4th nana (Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away). He said that the pleasure and excitement of the 4th nana is intense when the nana is either the first thing experienced in a sitting (this happens only during Review stage A) or when it is the person's cutting edge (when they are in the 4th stage of a path); that it can be very subtle when it's passed through in the middle of a sitting. So the intense pleasure is strong evidence that on July 14 I was in review stage A. Ron also gave me 2 techniques for calling up a cessation. The first is Kenneth's method: roll the eyeballs back into the head, then back down, rapidly, with emphasis on the down. I tried this for a few seconds and it was powerful! (though didn't get to a cessation.) The second is Ron's self-discovered method: just bring to mind the mental state of pre-cessation. I immediately felt like I knew what he was talking about, even though I've had doubt about ever having experienced cessations at all.

Log 08/22/12

1am  Awoke spontaneously and gradually. At first my mind felt clear and free, then gradually over a couple of minutes the right-side sensations and associated gloom came upon me. I inclined my mind to meditate and immediately was able to; seemed I could meditate lying down. But sat up anyway.

80 minutes seated noting. First half was as unpleasant as it gets. I'd call it "solid pain," different from the sessions with 1-2 minute cycles of pleasure/anxiety/sadness/sleepiness. Aching, pressure, nausea. Aversion was predominant, and I tried not to avoid noting it, even though immediately after noting it I'd have some really unpleasant constricting, anguish, aversion, sadness. Additionally, fear was strong in a way I haven't experienced since the spring, but only occurred in response to disturbing sounds. Made a gentle effort to relax into my experience: "aversion is like this". About halfway through sitting I noted "seeing" upon seeing some minor, ordinary-seeming visual effect with my closed eyes, and immediately after that the pain disappeared for the rest of the sitting. Then the notes were expanding, releasing, pulsing, pleasure, hearing, pressure, rocking. Wondered if I transitioned from 3rd to 4th nana, or from 10th to 11th.

10 am  After parking my car at work, spent about 15 minutes in the car feeling the right-side sensations and encouraging the infant state. As usual, much craving and fear. I told my infant self that I would protect her from the danger, and that seemed to allow more relaxation into the infant state. As usual, vivid pleasure in the right esophagus associated with imagining and acting out suckling. An aching/yearning in the abdomen; I wondered if it was related to whatever caused my infant colic. As usual, wrenching to transition out of this state. To ease the transition I tried listening for the ships in the harbor and imagining bird songs I knew: red breasted nuthatch, chickadee, mourning dove, and the ubiquitous urban multi-toned chirp! chirp! chirp!

11:15 am  30 minutes seated noting in Studio P3 at work. Lovely, lovely, lovely! I really relaxed into the experience and enjoyed it, even though there were as many unpleasant sensations as pleasant. (But most sensations were neutral.) 11th nana? Towards the end I tried inclining my mind toward cessations. I unfocussed and allowed noting to almost disappear. If I had any cessations at all, I had about seven or eight. No visuals. Maybe a tiny bliss wave or two.

Later at work: am automatically staying in tune with the pulsings, rockings, and cravings of my right side. It hasn't been very unpleasant and I have been able to work. In particular, it is not painful to put my arms to the keyboard.

Bedtime: anger was very strong.

Log 08/21/12

6:45 am  Set timer for one hour. Mind was racing about E's business situation; thinking was so strong it would be hard to call this noting practice at all. After 45 minutes, I arose and wrote an email to E.

11 am  10 minutes seated noting with J. Mind settled fairly easily.

Committed today to staying aware of my feelings. This is bringing me into the infant state that I've been experiencing with Trip and elsewhere, making it hard to work. I spent some time in the morning being really tuned into the feeling and also lazily thinking about the work problem at hand. I found that I was able to figure some things out about the problem without stressing about it, which was wonderful. But then, to move my body and arms to the keyboard in order to take action felt really hard, just like getting up from a sitting (recently) or ending a session devoted to the infant state.

1:15 pm  70-90 minutes in the quiet room, feeling the sensations, allowing the infant state, and dozing. Tried to be very gentle with self. It felt healing and refreshing.

Late afternoon and evening, the right-side sensations felt very heavy and uncomfortable, almost like I was sick. Tried doing Byron Katie's "The Work" regarding my anger at E, but it seemed to bring me down

9:45 pm 20 minutes metta, to relieve the pain.

Log 08/20/12

6:10 am  100 minutes varied practice. About 45 minutes silent seated noting, then about 20 minutes noting while very lightly massaging the right jaw. Then, noting while doing two sun salutations. Then, more seated noting while intentionally relaxing tension in right throat. This was inspired by remembering that when I returned from the Forest Refuge 10 months ago, I made a point of trying to completely relax the right throat at least once daily--because I'd noticed on retreat that tension in the right throat was a trigger for negative mind-states. Throughout today's session I was aware of a couple of cause/effect relationships: that when I note "thinking", self-punishment follows, and that when I note "aversion", fear and anguish follow. And that when I experience pleasure, the mind immediately looks for danger or asks, "what did I do wrong?" Just now, as I write this, I remember that the second nana is Knowledge of Cause and Effect. Hmmm ... maybe I did attain stream entry, did pass through review, and maybe now I am indeed beginning another path! Despite feeling temporarily encouraged by Beth's assurances that I have almost certainly attained stream entry, I have continued to experience doubt about this attainment, continue to consider this attainment a hypothesis yet to be proven.

It also occurs to me now that perhaps I was in the Knowledge of Cause and Effect the last 2 weeks of my time at the Forest Refuge, because it was these kinds of things that I was noticing strongly. In fact, during the last week, I was occupied all day with noticing chains of cause and effect. The insights that I gained in this realm were what I considered the primary benefits I carried home with me, and I even gave a talk about these insights! Curious that back then, when upon returning home I re-read Daniel Ingram's book and wondered whether I'd experienced any of the insight knowledges, I did not make this association at all and concluded that I may not have experienced any of the nanas, ever.

During this morning's sit, I did not experience cycles of fear/sadness/sleepiness/pleasure. The phenomena I noted were the same as usual, but in a more arbitrary order, and with a lot less fear/sadness/sleepiness. Plenty of craving and aversion, though.

Email from Beth; she suggests that I get a session with Kenneth or Ron to learn to call up cessations. Also, that I notice the experience of wanting to know where I am in the progress of insight.

10am Session with Trip. Spent 35 minutes following urges in the infant state. Enjoyable; seemed to experience a bit more relaxation. Didn't want to emerge; Trip suggested I find a bridge between infant state and present time reality. Listening to the birds served that purpose!

Work day: yesterday housemate Z urged me not to think of my job as a 40-hour/week commitment. Her support is freeing. Committed today to feeling.

Log 08/19/12

7am  90 minutes seated noting. Strong desire to see my experience as it is, to settle into it, to avoid being seduced by the multitudinous superficial attractions of the world. Craving and aversion were fairly predominant throughout the sitting, yet I also (again) did not want to rise from sitting. Both emotionally painful to arise (wrenching sadness) and physically painful (on a micro level, where I could feel discomfort with the tiniest muscular movement). This is something I've noticed, and noted, for months. Notes included the usual sadness, anguish, tingling, pressure, aversion, sleepiness, craving, yearning, expanding, hearing, pleasure, craving ... but with a lot of craving and aversion. As usual, felt averse to noting aversion. I really resist doing so; I seem to hold the notion that, by noting aversion, I am launching myself into a downward spiral of bad feeling. As soon as I note aversion, I notice a kind of very abrupt tensing and shutting down, which I usually don't note because it is so fast and indescribable, and perhaps because my mind shuts down so that I can't note in that moment.

During meditation I reflected briefly on how I might be cycling through the nanas. I remembered what Dan Ingram wrote about fractal models of the nanas--how one can seem to cycle through the nanas on different time scales simultaneously--and it occurred to me that I might be cycling through them not only with a periodicity of 10-50 hours, but also with a periodicity of 5-10 seconds as I note pleasure, fear, sadness, and sleepiness, pretty much in that order, over and over again through many sittings.

Gloomy feeling throughout day.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting. Very sleepy. J and R have been reading Daniel's book and have begun noting practice. Very exciting!

Log 08/18/12

6:15 am 5 minutes walking noting. I had the strong fear/adrenaline sensations, and I thought walking might ease them better than sitting. It didn't. But this was the first time I'd done slow walking practice since I began diligent noting, and I found that I was able to focus on sensations and notice the components of sensations as effectively, or almost as effectively, as when sitting.

6:20 30 minutes seated noting. Eventually, the fear sensations lost their solidity and I experienced an exquisite and somewhat new combination of hearing, craving, rocking, pulsing, pleasure, release, pressure, sadness, sleepiness. The usual notes, I suppose, but I seemed to perceive my experience with a bit more detail and depth. Again, I loved being there and didn't want to stop.

I noticed something that I'd noticed at the Forest Refuge, but hadn't noticed very clearly since: after pleasure, I can have the thought, "What did I do wrong?"

Questions for Beth today:

How might I practice on retreat?

Log 08/17/12

1pm 20 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Very strong craving associated with R side sensations. Craving, rocking, expanding, sadness, sleepiness, pulsing, pleasure, craving, craving, sadness ... Had one instance of maybe-cessation followed by wavy black/white grid visual.

How important are ancient texts?

I have a book on my bookshelf. Can't remember the title but it's a sampling, or "best of", the discourses of the Buddha. I've pulled it down from time to time and opened to a random place, but haven't yet found it very inspiring. I am pretty sure that I am going to want to read the scriptures at some point, and when I reach that point I might think, "I should have looked at this stuff a long time ago." That's why I keep trying it.

But my current view is this: Aristotle was one of the earliest scientists, and he was a genius. There is benefit to reading his writings. But when I want deeper understanding of science, I never turn to Aristotle's writings. I turn to current writings, because we've learned a million new things since Aristotle. Some of these things negate his conclusions.

And it's often impossible to know, reading ancient writings, what the writer really meant. It drives me crazy, for example, how strenuously people try to interpret the anapanasati sutta, especially the part that says "breathe in with the whole breath" (or whatever): does it mean to be aware of the whole breath cycle, or to be aware of the entire body as it breathes? We can never know what the Buddha meant, and maybe he didn't even think this particular thing was important. It makes more sense to me to find out what works for people now.

There is at least one instance in the history of science (specifically cancer research) where people spent decades trying to understand one cryptic sentence written by a long dead, but brilliant, previous researcher. At international meetings they spent hours in debate. Turned out that this particular sentence was a complete dead end, whichever way it was interpreted! The dead brilliant scientist had gotten that particular thing utterly wrong.

Meditation log 08/16/12

6:20 am One hour seated noting. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, pressure, aversion, thinking, sadness, aversion, sleepiness, thinking, sadness, sleepiness. For a while, tried to refrain from reaching out for perception. Last 15-20 minutes, gently massaged my right jaw. Craving, yearning, release, pleasure, rocking, craving, anguish, craving, craving.

8:05 am 30 minutes noting while commuting to work. On bus, was bothered to an unusual degree by physical contact with the people next to me as the bus accelerated and decelerated.

9am During lab meeting, very gently massaged right jaw and tried to feel and indulge cravings. After meeting, continued for 15 minutes in quiet room. Craving became very intense as I gave the sensations and urges focused attention. Could not identify what I craved; the phrase "hungry ghost" from Buddhist texts came to mind. Hungry ghosts can never be satisfied. Much of the time, I curled up the right side of my tongue and sucked gently on it. It felt like I craved more sensation in the back of my right throat,  possibly to be suckling and swallowing something. The urge was felt in the mouth and throat and connected down to my right abdomen and genitals, although it really didn't feel like an urge to have sex. I asked myself if I desired to hold or be held, but neither seemed right. Difficult to return to work because the craving had become very strong with no satisfaction in sight.

This activity is not insight meditation, but I log it here anyway.

Mom called just before dinner: she was scared to sleep with Dad. (Mom has dementia.) Unsuccessfully tried to talk her down. For rest of evening, felt strong undirected fear, although I was effectively distracted by watching Back to the Future with Eric at the Magnuson Park Outdoor Theater (after doing several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds").

Slept poorly due to fear. Awoke around 1:00 and sat. First did noting, but the fear stayed strong and solid. Not even sure "fear" is the correct word. It seemed that I had a constant stream of adrenaline plus high tension in the right torso and neck. Did several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds", then did metta for quite a long time. Strong feelings of metta flooded to my chest immediately; this was somewhat pleasant and soothing, but I also experienced anxiety: was it really OK to give into the metta? Was it OK to let go of the strong adrenaline/tension in the right side? Can it possibly be true that I have such a powerful meditation tool; isn't it dangerous to use such a powerful tool? (I think that throughout my life I am afraid of my own power.) I was able to fall asleep after maybe 45 minutes of metta practice.

Meditation log 08/15/12

5:30 am 60 minutes seated noting. I had awoken with a lot of fear. Fear and sadness stayed predominant for most of the sitting, but finally settled away. The fear and sadness felt like a gloomy mood rather than brief experiences. There were also poignant feeling brief sensations of pleasure throughout. The right-side sensations were not noticeable, except for clenching of the jaw, which I periodically released. Towards the middle I felt a strong pull to the right. I yielded to the pull and danced with it, first rocking down to the right, then straightening the torso back upward, then swaying somewhat. My approach was influenced by Rodney's talk on faith last night, where he mentioned allowing wonder. As soon as I awoke, I tried to avoid planning and preconception.

Got car into a fix while parking. Felt fear and panic, which I tried to modulate. Called for help from others and received it.

Throughout work day, periodically checked in with myself, felt what I felt, asked if it was true that I needed to get back to work. Such strong craving to "get things done", and shame that I'm so hooked by it.

Stayed at work until 9:00 pm. Read Byron Katie and did a bit of what she calls The Work: questioning judgmental thoughts that cause me suffering, and turning them around. Resulted in both relaxation and anxiety.

Talked to Z for an hour before bed.

Meditation log 08/14/12

6:30 15 minutes seated noting. I was consumed with anger and thoughts of planning to protect myself.

Before meeting J, talked briefly with K, which propelled me into a jovial mood. K is so funny!

11:10 12 minutes seated noting with J. Tried to be relaxed and gentle with my attention. Not much thinking. Enjoyed very much; didn't want to stop, but didn't feel anguished about stopping.

More laughter with co-workers throughout day. Work felt rather tedious and difficult, and I (as usual) felt bad about how little I'd accomplished, and about how much I avoid putting my mind onto my work.

3:00 27 minutes gentle seated noting in the nap room. Towards the end, sleepiness was predominant, to the point where I think I stopped noting and stopped having much awareness. I had several momentary drops into unconsciousness similar to what Beth called cessations. But there was so much sleepiness surrounding them this time. My timer was set for 45 minutes but when there were 18 minutes left, I decided to recline and nap.

6:45 pm 40 minutes seated noting at SIMS. Can't remember much about it. But I was in a negative mood from the time I left work until Rodney's talk was over. Low-grade suffering, but, gratefully, no acute suffering. In particular, it wasn't painful to talk to people or be in the midst of them.

Meditation log 08/12/12

Returned from Whidbey with M. Felt great sadness upon parting; anguish seemed to stay with me until dinner time. Bits of meditation throughout day. Very warm. Anxiety, some conflict, when E returned from work. Dinner with E and Z on back porch.

I've read that after stream entry, one cycles through the stages of insight continuously in daily life. I forget the periodicity of the cycles. I do seem to cycle in and out of feeling anguished during recent weeks, with a periodicity of about 24 hours.

10:30 pm 30 minutes seated noting. Felt sleepy, so lay down to sleep.

Meditation log 08/13/12

Awoke, as usual, feeling dread. Tried meditating while reclining in bed; didn't provide relief.

7:00 Ran with Z. Light noting throughout. Lots of anxiety about noting while with Z instead of chatting.

7:45 45 minutes seated silent noting on back porch. Interplay of vivid pleasure (hearing, tingling) and anguish (pulsing, pressure, sadness). A fair amount of thinking. At about 30 minutes I intentionally relaxed my right jaw (it's usually clenched) and the anguish subsided after that. Again, I didn't want to arise from meditation.

During session with Trip, spent ~25 minutes feeling into and moving with right side sensations. Felt both satisfaction and great yearning. Similar to meditation session, did not want to emerge from this activity.

Committed myself to staying with these sensations throughout work day. I sense that they are leading me to a truer way of living, a way with less tension and striving.

3:45 pm 30 minutes very light noting as I continued to stay and move with these sensations. Felt quite sleepy so followed up with a 15 minute nap. When I awoke, I felt quite at ease and at peace with the sensations, as though they'd reached some resolution.

Beautiful summer day. Much pleasure from sights and sounds.

9:45 pm Concentration practice, anapanasati. I simply felt drawn to this practice. I used noting for distractions. The mind settled fairly quickly and easily. After about 30 minutes, Eric entered the room. Anger arose and the mind became busy.

Meditation log 08/11/12

5:00 am 15-30 minutes seated noting. I'd been woken around 4 by Eric, startled, and re-traumatized when I forced myself to remain near him against strong urges. Then my mind raced with gloomy thoughts triggered by right-side tensions, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally decided to sit up. Against expectation, after some time, the suffering faded away. The tensions were still there, but there were no stories, and my body had found a position (curled somewhat to the right) where the urges to curl forward were in abeyance. I felt relief and gladness! (though I can't recall using those words in my noting ... but I did use 'peace'). Finally lay down to sleep, continuing to follow the body's urge to be in a semi-fetal position and continuing to note. Fell asleep quite soon and awoke at 8:00 with a peaceful mind.

8:30 am 30 minutes seated noting. My attention was gentle. There was a lot of thinking, but it seemed OK. A new gentleness with myself during the moment after I notice I've been thinking and begin to punish myself for it: I was able to have attention for the self-punishment and resulting anguish, and had new understanding that it was out of my control. The sitting was an interplay of sadness and joy. I didn't want to stop--but it was not painful to stop.

Traveled to Whidbey with M and visited N's family. I felt anxiety throughout the day, which I successfully modulated by taking meditation breaks--the breaks seemed to result in lessened anxiety and greater enjoyment. Whidbey felt peaceful. Walked slack line at beach, watched meteor shower at night.

Remembering what happened during meditation

Another question from a reader: "How can you remember all the details you write about?  You meditate for an hour and then go on to describe all the sensations."

In general, I have a good short-term memory for the details of my experience. Throughout my life I've been able to write vividly about my experiences. I do find with meditation that the details tend to slip out of my memory very quickly. Not quite as quickly as the details of a dream, but almost. I think this is because the meditative experience is so different from ordinary (for lack of a better word) experience. So sometimes during meditation I make a mental gesture to imprint some aspect of my experience upon my memory. This is a distraction from the meditation, though, so I don't do it often. As a result, my accounts of my meditation experiences are much less detailed and vivid than they would be if I could somehow record them as they are happening.

Meditation log 08/10/12

6:15 am One hour seated meditation. I began by not noting at all. This is how I used to meditate, for years! I just sat and watched, but also didn't try too hard to watch. I found myself thinking a lot, but the experience was markedly different from just having a lazy mind (such as when walking, running, or riding the bus mindlessly). Perhaps because I was seated cross-legged on a cushion with my eyes closed and with the intention to meditate, I was "snapped into" a certain mind state that I think of as meditative.

After a while I was tired of wandering mind, so I began to note, first very gently and sporadically, then ramped up to my usual frequency.

Attention was not very crisp, and there was still a lot of thinking and also a fair amount of suffering over the sensations in the right side. These sensations are not only unpleasant, they seem to trigger negative stories.

I've had the sense, which has grown slowly over the past weeks and maybe even months, that my life is gradually becoming overly busy. I don't think I necessarily have too many activities scheduled. Rather, my mind is agitated and bothered, so I feel busy. Somehow, I'm rarely sitting down for breakfast, rarely doing yoga, rarely running, never going to the weight room, and I'm not getting my 90+ minutes of meditation in daily. The composure and balance I enjoyed coming out of the Forest Refuge 9.5 months ago seems completely gone.

1pm 30 minutes with sitting group at work. First few minutes, no noting. Then, chose to not reach for experience. Since I was not in the state of "abiding in the midst of experience" (which is possibly what's called equanimity), I found that if I didn't reach for experience, there wasn't much to note. I was aware that sounds, sensations, and so forth were present, but it was as though the weren't close enough to be named. So noting was very sparse and relaxed. Continued to feel feelings of anguish and longing with regard to sensations on right side. Tried a new thing: adopting an attitude of letting go. Mostly, letting go of desire and aversion. I soon was in the state where I feel something like sleepiness, and several times I had experiences like I had a week ago, that Beth said are cessations. They are really subtle, almost unnoticeable, and I experience doubt that they really are cessations. After one of them I found the fine, wavy, black/white grid pattern in my visual field. Didn't experience anything that struck me as bliss waves. Every time I anticipated the end of the meditation session, I dreaded it. I felt very absorbed in my experience, and attached to it, even though it wasn't what I'd call pleasant. I really, really didn't want to stop--felt like leaving a lover.

My attitude of not reaching for experience, and of letting go, arises from weariness of struggling with the right side sensations, weariness of wondering whether I attained stream entry, weariness of the lack of centeredness in my daily life, and an inexplicable weariness with noting practice.