The overwhelming urge to feel OK about oneself

I feel so ashamed to say it -- but I chose to work from home today, and I actually worked for a grand total of about 30 minutes, even though I spent almost 4 hours at my computer. And the 30 minutes was not very productive.

Lately I've been noticing how, after almost any event in my life, large or small, my mind is inclined to review the event and frame it in such a way that I can feel OK about it, and that is consistent with the story I like to tell about myself. For example, while I am working for my employer, I typically engage in fantasies of completing many goals and imagining how good it will feel to accomplish those goals. This is pleasant. But as the work period (an hour, a day, a week) nears its end, if I have not accomplished what I desired, I can no longer use those fantasies to feel OK. As shame and fear fill my being, I've caught myself reframing: thinking thoughts such as, "Well, everyone has periods of low productivity. It's OK. Also, my higher goal is spiritual development, and low productivity, while painful in the short term, may be helpful in the long term by humbling me and encouraging me to anchor myself in the spiritual, rather than the material. Also, the thing I was working on today wasn't really that important. Perhaps it will be OK or even preferable to do without it."

Another example: yesterday I did something nice or helpful for someone. I can't remember what it was. But I do remember that afterward, I was driven to reflect on it and add it to the story of Terry: "What a nice, kind person I am! It is so good and pleasant that I do kind things like this."

All day today I've been accompanied by a schmear of fear and shame. First, I spent two hours trying to get our vacuum cleaner fixed, then becoming educated about vacuum cleaners, trying to find out from our housecleaner what type of vacuum cleaner she would prefer, and buying a new vacuum cleaner. I imagined the whole thing would be a 20 minute errand. The rest of the day I thought I should be getting down to work but this is what I did instead: ate a meal, talked for over an hour with Craig, my contractor, about important things regarding the remodeling project, talked with E and Z, went back and forth with a couple of plumbers who are providing work on the project, made a fruit smoothie and ate it, read about the work culture of Amazon, watched a video of more police brutality, ate some cold, limp French fries that Z brought me, meditated. (And worked for about 30 minutes.)

The story I told myself to feel better was similar to the story above: "There was nothing that was essential to complete today. I will be more productive when I go into the office tomorrow, where I have big monitors, there are fewer distractions, there is air conditioning, and I can snack on chocolate for energy and focus. And the schmear of shame and fear I experienced all day -- that doesn't mean I've wasted my day. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person."

But, before getting involved in that story, I noticed the craving to have such a story. I noticed the felt need to tell myself a story in order to feel OK about myself--indeed, in order even to feel that I am somebody, that I exist. For the first time, I saw this story-telling as a habit, and the need for this story-telling as evidence of the chokehold that the ego, the personality, the self has over my experience of living. I know that seeing is the first step toward freedom. Yay.

During meditation, the craving to feel OK was very strong and convincing. I noticed that, even when I thought I was letting go of it, I wasn't fully letting go of it. I was still believing it. Still believing something like, "Yes, of course I am a bad person, but this meditation should help me feel more relaxed and OK. I cannot totally abandon this craving to feel OK, because it is this craving that motivates me to do the things I need to do to survive, such as fulfill my various duties to my employer, my partners, my tenants, my creditors, my friends and associates." Seeing the persistence of this belief, I let go even more. Beyond that is peacefulness and enjoyment ... and, a nagging doubt, a very strong nagging doubt: this can't be enough, this can't be OK.

Modern superstition

Modern superstition: measuring my waist first thing after getting out of bed this morning to make sure it is smaller than the magical number of 35 inches that my wellness coach told me yesterday was maximum for good health.

I used to think I was not superstitious because I didn't care about black cats crossing my path and so forth. Now I see more and more irrational  little things I do throughout each day to give  me a feeling of safety.

Other examples:

Training to do the yoga pose called wheel because Jacob's 75 year old mother can do it. (Unless I can do it also, I think, I am unlikely to be as healthy as she when I am her age)

Practicing arising from sitting on the floor without touching knees or hands to the floor, because ability to do so correlates with longevity.

Wanting to follow the instructions of my doctor and of my meditation teacher exactly. Feeling relief when I do.

I think health and fitness practices are a big area for modern day superstition in the West.