I don't know what to do. I am sad. What am I sad about? I am sad that my deepest longing has never been fulfilled and likely never will be; I am sad that it is so deep and so painful that I avoid even looking at it and can't tell you what it is right now.
There is that familiar longing feeling in the right side of my mouth, a desire to chew and suck (though actually chewing and sucking is not what is desired), the upturning of the right corner of my mouth, constriction at the top of the throat, and tingling in the right chest and right arm. The thought arises, "it is the same as always, nothing new" and then, "I've seen in the past that even though it is nothing new, something new usually arises."
Waiting.
For the past year I have been deeply engaged in studying and breaking the ten fetters. I have daily contact with a guide and thoughout my days, when I am not engaged in busy-ness (and sometimes when I am), my attention inclines toward the practices and inquiries that my guide gives me. I have not spent a lot of time engaging in story-oriented or personality-oriented types of inquiry, partly because I've been engaged in this other process, and partly because my guide discourages me from this. But today, for now, I am engaging.
I am doing the wrong thing right now, there are about 47 different other things that are overdue and by not doing them I am setting myself up for pain in the future. People will be displeased with me. Oh! I do not want to look at that!
A swelling in the right chest, a welling up ...
Who will be displeased with me? In what manner?
My tenants will be displeased that I haven't taken care of tasks like repairing the basement bathroom walls.
My potential donors in the Giving Project will be displeased that I didn't contact them earlier about giving.
