Log 07/30/13

1:15 pm Did 90 minutes meditation & yoga this morning after waking at 6. Bought flowers at Whole Foods & made arrangements for myself, Jasmine, and Micheleen. Spent morning organizing my desk and file cabinets. Now, beginning the afternoon refreshed. Did meditation/yoga lead to this cascade of goodness? I'd been doing little of either in recent months. What led to the meditation and yoga? A higher stress level than usual, plus a couple of unsatisfying inner work sessions.

(next day) Left work feeling good. Quite unusual.

Log 07/19/13

9:50 a.m. Staying in touch today with sense of volition, energy, interest, aliveness... not sure what best word is for it. Its constant companion is fear. And sometimes sadness and sleepiness.

10:00 a.m. Giving compassionate attention to the child that was sad. Incredulity that my psyche could be maturing. Not only incredulity--resistance. On some level, I do not want it. Why? It implies change, both on the macro level (I am becoming a different person) and on the micro level (the mature psyche allows perception of constant change). If nothing stays the same, if there is no security ... how can life be enjoyed? Noticing notion that enjoyment comes from fulfilled desires or expectations, that it cannot come from riding a constant roller coaster of unpredictable events. The notion of a constant roller coaster evokes fear, overwhelm, urge to retreat and take cover.

4:15 pm  I think I've tightened around that sense of volition as I've gotten (pleasantly and productively) absorbed in some coding work.

Day of mindfulness 07/13/13

Today is the one year anniversary of the experience that my teachers Beth and Kenneth said was stream entry.

I had an amazing home retreat. It felt so good to have a whole day with nothing I had to do. As much time as I wanted to just be with myself. It didn't feel good a lot of the time, but I have faith that it's important for me to learn to be with myself. After watching the men's relay, I slept until 8 or 8:30. Then I meditated for about 80 minutes, then did some yoga. Then I sat on a bed in the attic, supported in front by a giant pillow, and paid as close attention as I could muster to how I felt. It required constant effort and courage. Although I've done this many times before, every week or two I seem to be facing a new layer, and each layer is as challenging as the previous. Today it seemed that I was noticing a finer granularity of experience than before. I worked against a huge force of habit: to use thinking to smooth over this granularity. Every moment I mustered courage to turn my mind away from thought and toward my direct experience. As in the past, a torrent of thoughts kept insisting that this was crazy, that I really ought to go do something, that there wasn't enough time. On this last count, today I was able to tell myself that I did indeed have a lot of time. I loved that I could do that.

It seemed that when I gave attention to this finer granularity of experience, anicca was evident, and this was unsettling. For some periods of time it seemed that everything was constantly changing in a way I hadn't observed before.

One way I motivated myself was by seeing the process as some kind of game or race. "Just a little bit more, just a little bit more. The more you do, the bigger the reward." I wasn't forcing myself to do something painful. I was just continuing to apply effort against habit.

When I began, there was a tight knot in my right chest -- something very familiar. During and after this, the knot loosened.

My session was interrupted by a call from Mom. She was scared about Dad. She was with Liza. We spent 45 minutes skyping via my cell phone. One very nice thing about using the phone is that it is very portable. I took her on a tour of the house. I felt very relaxed and available for this call, although I forgot entirely to attend to myself.

Finally, around 4:00, I lay down for a nap. I had worked hard and I really wanted to give myself some rest. Also, I find that I process things in my sleep. During this nap I was quite aware of processing, though I can't recall the details now.

Log 07/11/13

12:22pm Awoke this morning with usual fear. Thought about how impaired by anxiety I am in my work, felt sad and ANGRY. Keeping in touch with the feeling of anger all day since then. So uncomfortable. But this is the life force moving within me, my motivation, my creativity ... this is IT, my aliveness, the thing I had in mind when, 20 years ago during a co-counseling session, I touched into the early hurts and cried out, "They took my life away from me!" That life ... is here, now, right at the surface ... it is here, it is back! after years of hard work I am engaged in reclaiming it! It feels SO darn uncomfortable, so dangerous ... I cannot imagine where it will lead, I am afraid of where it will lead. I want to quit at every moment, to have an ice cream, to visit the Museum of History and Industry, to check Facebook, to do what others tell me to do.

Carrying on ...

1:22pm Seeing my script run without error after making a change ... a feeling of excitement wells up in me, but not the kind I am used to and enjoy ... a kind that is VERY uncomfortable ... I try to allow it, to experience it, as fully as possible ... a tightness and quivering in my throat tells me that something wants to be expressed vocally ... sleepiness ... I carry on with faith that this is leading someplace good, but right now it does not feel that good. However, it does in some sense feel better than the usual anxiety and vague bad feeling.

Before I got this far into my inner work, I used to read about how uncomfortable it can be to fully experience previously repressed emotions. I couldn't imagine it feeling this uncomfortable. I imagined that it would mostly feel exhilarating. Well, it doesn't.

1:35pm Mild right abdominal ache ... aching in the lower throat, becomes throbbing with attention ... desire ...

6:53 Worked steadily throughout day. This big feeling of anger/aliveness has subsided -- I feel "normal" now. I feel somewhat fatigued ... tired of working, yet still working productively ... feel fine about what I accomplished today ... wonder whether I should leave and enjoy the rest of this summer evening. Haven't had caffeine. Don't feel at all passionate about the big picture of my work.

Log 07/02/13

10:24 a.m.  Started the work day feeling very pessimistic ... was dreading another day of struggle. Then, two positive things happened. First, I got past my resistance to working on this manuscript. It seems I just needed to get my head into it. After getting over the worst of the resistance, I noticed a sense that I really wanted to be in the manuscript ... a feeling of affection and desire ... a feeling that was hard to stay with. But I have been putting effort into staying with it. Second, I noticed my resistance about asking Zhi for help. Today, it seemed softer, something I could look at and allow to soften. I did look at it and it did soften ... the resulting feeling was more alive and "right" but also unfamiliar and scary. I did ask Zhi for help and the asking and receiving were both very pleasant and rewarding.

4:45 pm Didn't take mindfulness breaks today -- after yesterday, I want a break from the breaks! -- but my work day has been much more pleasant, less distressing, than yesterday was.

Log 07/01/13

8:40 a.m. Took the 7:30 bus this morning. Was able to do this easily because Eric is away (left last night for the World Orienteering Championships in Finland). Feeling extra gloomy since he left. Feeling sad at Eric's departure is a new thing for me. Felt quite down about my kidney-urine-plasma analysis. The manuscript submission deadline is August 1, not September 1 as I'd expected. Feeling like the paper is vacuous. It's hard to even write about--not surprising. The one thing I really like about the paper is the comparison of protein abundances across proteomes. I haven't seen anything like that before. I should clean up the manuscript and send it to Gil today for his comments. I was planning to do a more rote task this morning (load some new data into PASSEL) so as to get some feeling of accomplishment, but now I will try working on the manuscript first.

8:55 getting into manuscript!

9:02 enthused about work, sad, sleepy

9:10 enthused about work. Sad, sleepy, scared, craving.

10:14 Got to a stopping point with manuscript. Sent to Gil and Eric. Looked at Facebook for 10-15 minutes. Now, here I am. Where am I?

11:05 Continued loading new data into PASSEL. I feel afraid to touch into myself. Would rather eat a cheese sandwich. Thinking about how relationship with Z seems super important to get right. Reminded myself that the main relationship I'm cultivating right now is with myself; all else will follow.

Spent 50 minutes (12:00-12:50) in quiet room abiding with self. So unsatisfying! "I don't know what I am doing ... this is dangerous ... this isn't going anywhere." About 10 minutes before rising to go, I turned my attention toward the necessity of going and the pain associated with that.

3:37 Productive day, but filled with anxiety. It feels like the world is dangerous and something bad is about to happen, probably something to do with Z rejecting me.

3:54 As is so often the case, I am spending much of my work day struggling against an anxiety that blocks my thinking process. It is so unsatisfying! Stopping to attend to myself, my experience is different than it has been in recent weeks: anger, frustration, exasperation ... sadness, anger ... sleepiness ... "I don't want this! I don't like this project!" (comparing kidney, urine, and plasma proteomes)

4:18 What would make my job nicer? It hurts just to think about it!

• An invisible companion who could silently and invisibly give me a co-counseling session at a moment's notice, to relieve my anxiety. I imagine that these sessions would be short and more or less continuous, since the anxiety arises almost continuously.
• A supervisor and co-workers who understand my challenge
• Aaaack! it really hurts just to think about this! I feel angry!

4:34 Throwing in the towel for the day.