6:10 am 100 minutes varied practice. About 45 minutes silent seated noting, then about 20 minutes noting while very lightly massaging the right jaw. Then, noting while doing two sun salutations. Then, more seated noting while intentionally relaxing tension in right throat. This was inspired by remembering that when I returned from the Forest Refuge 10 months ago, I made a point of trying to completely relax the right throat at least once daily--because I'd noticed on retreat that tension in the right throat was a trigger for negative mind-states. Throughout today's session I was aware of a couple of cause/effect relationships: that when I note "thinking", self-punishment follows, and that when I note "aversion", fear and anguish follow. And that when I experience pleasure, the mind immediately looks for danger or asks, "what did I do wrong?" Just now, as I write this, I remember that the second nana is Knowledge of Cause and Effect. Hmmm ... maybe I did attain stream entry, did pass through review, and maybe now I am indeed beginning another path! Despite feeling temporarily encouraged by Beth's assurances that I have almost certainly attained stream entry, I have continued to experience doubt about this attainment, continue to consider this attainment a hypothesis yet to be proven.
It also occurs to me now that perhaps I was in the Knowledge of Cause and Effect the last 2 weeks of my time at the Forest Refuge, because it was these kinds of things that I was noticing strongly. In fact, during the last week, I was occupied all day with noticing chains of cause and effect. The insights that I gained in this realm were what I considered the primary benefits I carried home with me, and I even gave a talk about these insights! Curious that back then, when upon returning home I re-read Daniel Ingram's book and wondered whether I'd experienced any of the insight knowledges, I did not make this association at all and concluded that I may not have experienced any of the nanas, ever.
During this morning's sit, I did not experience cycles of fear/sadness/sleepiness/pleasure. The phenomena I noted were the same as usual, but in a more arbitrary order, and with a lot less fear/sadness/sleepiness. Plenty of craving and aversion, though.
Email from Beth; she suggests that I get a session with Kenneth or Ron to learn to call up cessations. Also, that I notice the experience of wanting to know where I am in the progress of insight.
10am Session with Trip. Spent 35 minutes following urges in the infant state. Enjoyable; seemed to experience a bit more relaxation. Didn't want to emerge; Trip suggested I find a bridge between infant state and present time reality. Listening to the birds served that purpose!
Work day: yesterday housemate Z urged me not to think of my job as a 40-hour/week commitment. Her support is freeing. Committed today to feeling.
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