Practicing a lot in recent days. Practiced last night before bed, then this morning upon awakening, then again before getting dressed. Noting practice, trying to stay relaxed. Beth: "Each moment is an invitation to relax". Still, though, wishing to notice phenomena more crisply and thoroughly. I have doubt that noting only occasional phenomena will work.
I'm not remembering the details of each session as clearly as I used to 2-3 years ago. Here's what I remember from my early morning sitting: attention was not crisp. Thoughts kept arising. I was mostly physically comfortable. The thoughts were very enticing; they were plans for practice and also plans for other things, like seeing a movie on Saturday. The past few days I'd been trying to notice the nanas, but today I decided to let that go since it is a distraction. Lately I have been noting joy more and noticing the mind's response to look for a problem. My intention is not to explore this, but to simply note it. Because thoughts can be so engaging and distracting, I desire to stop the thoughts from developing by noticing and noting the tingling sensation ("tingling") that seems to give rise to the thought. I enjoy practicing this way but I imagine that Beth would not approve so I have some doubt about practicing this way.
Picked up Shaila's book "Wisdom Wide and Deep" and re-read the part about the nanas and also the introduction. I feel desire to attend her retreat next month. I want to gain skill in jhana.
Time to catch bus to work.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
A new perspective on dukkha
Today I've noticed myself having a new perspective on the dukkha I experience. It's subtle. Usually, when I notice some suffering in my life, I briefly strategize about how I can eliminate the suffering. I think about subtle shifts I can make in my physical actions or thinking, either in the moment, or long term. Associated with that is mild self-loathing: "Why haven't I mastered this yet? Why do I continue to create this suffering for myself?"
Today, the thought that has been arising is, "Yeah, there's dukkha again. More reason to practice. Liberation is the only answer."
Pretty cool.
Today, the thought that has been arising is, "Yeah, there's dukkha again. More reason to practice. Liberation is the only answer."
Pretty cool.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Hello!
I am astonished that it's been over a month since I last posted!
I have shifted my emphasis from psychological work to Vipassana practice.
Today, sat twice so far. First, 2-3/4 hours, sitting, walking, sitting. Second, 50 minutes sitting. Was interested in the nanas. My reading had reminded me that after stream entry, simply inclining the mind toward investigation puts one in the A&P, then one cycles up through to equanimity. Was curious to see how this fit with my experience.
I will describe the second sitting because the first is not so clear in my memory. When I sat down, a familiar series of thoughts and sensations happened during the first minute or two: pulsing, expanding, hearing, regret, joy, tension, relaxation. Attention was crisp and it did seem that this was A&P-like. I didn't notice any clear dukkha nanas, but after maybe 10 minutes I did feel quite equanimous. Various pains and discomforts came and went; they didn't disturb me. Thoughts also came and went but did't disturb me. And it did take effort to concentrate. I was inclined to be lazy. Applying effort was somewhat unpleasant. When my left leg fell asleep and I moved it, the waking-up feelings were intense and I experience aversion -- so I was not 100% equanimous. I arose from my sitting when I felt tired of making the effort.
Various things over the past month have inspired both me and Z to practice Vipassana fervently. If we can experience freedom in this very life, what could be a more worthwhile pursuit? I have believed this for several years, yet for the past 2.5 years I have been more drawn to psychological work. It has been very interesting and very rewarding, and it has not seemed possible to pursue both intensively, at least not while holding down a job. I imagine, too, that psychological work may detract from Vipassana momentum. I wonder where today's passion with Vipassana will take me?
I am strongly considering quitting my job soon, like in 2 or 2.5 months. Reasons:
- I have never felt at ease with this work. I have repeatedly felt overwhelmed. I have days where I feel happy and competent, but this feeling never lasts more than a week or two at best. I want to give myself a chance to experience something different, something more joyful. I feel interested in dementia care, hospice, psychology, and intuitive healing. I will follow whichever path presents me with a suitable mentor.
- I want to take some time off from full-time work to practice Vipassana intensively and also to take care of my health.
I have shifted my emphasis from psychological work to Vipassana practice.
Today, sat twice so far. First, 2-3/4 hours, sitting, walking, sitting. Second, 50 minutes sitting. Was interested in the nanas. My reading had reminded me that after stream entry, simply inclining the mind toward investigation puts one in the A&P, then one cycles up through to equanimity. Was curious to see how this fit with my experience.
I will describe the second sitting because the first is not so clear in my memory. When I sat down, a familiar series of thoughts and sensations happened during the first minute or two: pulsing, expanding, hearing, regret, joy, tension, relaxation. Attention was crisp and it did seem that this was A&P-like. I didn't notice any clear dukkha nanas, but after maybe 10 minutes I did feel quite equanimous. Various pains and discomforts came and went; they didn't disturb me. Thoughts also came and went but did't disturb me. And it did take effort to concentrate. I was inclined to be lazy. Applying effort was somewhat unpleasant. When my left leg fell asleep and I moved it, the waking-up feelings were intense and I experience aversion -- so I was not 100% equanimous. I arose from my sitting when I felt tired of making the effort.
Various things over the past month have inspired both me and Z to practice Vipassana fervently. If we can experience freedom in this very life, what could be a more worthwhile pursuit? I have believed this for several years, yet for the past 2.5 years I have been more drawn to psychological work. It has been very interesting and very rewarding, and it has not seemed possible to pursue both intensively, at least not while holding down a job. I imagine, too, that psychological work may detract from Vipassana momentum. I wonder where today's passion with Vipassana will take me?
I am strongly considering quitting my job soon, like in 2 or 2.5 months. Reasons:
- I have never felt at ease with this work. I have repeatedly felt overwhelmed. I have days where I feel happy and competent, but this feeling never lasts more than a week or two at best. I want to give myself a chance to experience something different, something more joyful. I feel interested in dementia care, hospice, psychology, and intuitive healing. I will follow whichever path presents me with a suitable mentor.
- I want to take some time off from full-time work to practice Vipassana intensively and also to take care of my health.
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