Log 10/08/12

Throughout the night I had a lot of meditative activity. It felt like a struggle with the sense of self. I'm not sure what was going on, but here is an attempt: maybe I was transitioning from sleep into A&P, and noticing my sense of self re-formulating during that transition, and trying to let go of it before it consolidated. After this happened many times, I thought, "why all this struggle? I should just relax and let go." This notion didn't seem to change my experience much. I had the idea that I really wanted to let go of the sense of self. I think I also experienced fear when it seemed the sense of self was tenuous.

6:45 am One hour seated noting. I immediately was in the state that I think is A&P (Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away). Some whole-body physical pleasure, although I've experienced this enough times now that it hardly seems notable. Almost constant thinking, mostly reviewing and analyzing my meditation practice. Noted "craving" and "clinging" when I felt the urge to think, sometimes noting "clinging, clinging, clinging" continuously for a minute or more, but there were only a few short periods (maybe 1-2 minutes) where the train of thought was quiet. Otherwise it was hearing, expanding, releasing, tingling, pulsing.  Very occasional sadness, occasional aching/pain. Can't remember whether I remembered to note "pleasure". No apparent insights.

9:30 Walking to Trip's office, found myself feeling pleasantly excited and unpleasantly agitated about what's currently happening in my meditation practice. Halfway to the office, remembered to do noting. Found sadness.

10:00 Session with Trip. He said that recent research suggests that the experience of shame is disrupted or interrupted collapse (can't remember exactly). And that it can be useful to physically collapse upon feeling shame. He gave me some pillows so I could try it out. I began recounting a shameful-feeling story from my relationship with Eric, then soon slowly collapsed onto the pillows that were resting on my lap. Then, reviewed the story in my mind with greater clarity than I had previously been able to. I found myself in a state of mind very similar to the state I've been experiencing when meditating with others (at work, last night at the neighborhood sitting group), where it's painful to emerge. Trip said it was the parasympathetic restorative state.