Inner child journal

Yesterday I made a strong commitment to attend to the sensations in my right chest and throat that I've been calling my inner child--or, now that I've identified another child state, the infant/toddler child state. And that I'd attend to this child state particularly when my meditation timer goes off every 20 minutes and when I felt a compulsive urge to check email or Facebook. I knew it would be challenging. I kept a log:

9:53
child: I feel sad, heavy. Wary. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me to risk yet again?

9:57
child: you're just asking me to feel sad all day. This could go on for days or years. What's the point?! It may go nowhere! Safer to just eat a cookie!

10:03
It was challenging to keep attending to the child while talking to my co-worker D. Fear and sadness that I am not receiving attention... then, anger, panic.

10:10
Timer lit up. Didn't want to attend to the child! Sadness magnifies; throat quivers a bit.

10:30
child: So much sadness and fear! It's not horribly unpleasant, but it is very unsettling! It just feels wrong! And, also, right.

10:36
child: A few minutes ago, D. asked me to come look at something; I said "not now".  I'm going to be punished. Looking for danger.
The time is approaching for ISB's 11:15 Wednesday sitting. I am scheduled to meet Julie before, and plan to phone Dad after. Anxious about meeting Julie, talking to Dad, leaving the comfort of absorption in work.

10:45
Attended to  sad/scared child, then feared getting lost in her. Then, seemingly to encourage self: "It would be so cool if the terrified but fiery infant/toddler could provide passion to the talented, high-achieving young girl! What a life that would be!"

10:50
Sixteen breaths attending to child.

11:00
Phoned Dad. Completely ignored child.

11:13
Attended to inner child for 2 minutes before 30 minutes meditation (Kenneth's 2nd jhana). Wondered: what did it mean for me to choose to ignore the child for 30 minutes? Told her I'd be back.

11:15
Jhana meditation was very pleasant. Awareness of child & associated tensions completely disappeared after a few minutes. When I arose from meditation, the child & associated tensions seemed to be absent. They reappeared over a few minutes.

noon
News that a co-worker's son had died. Chit-chat. D and I went to our admin assistant to get the details. Mostly not aware of (my inner) child.

12:30
Sixteen breaths attending to child. Was hard to pull self away from computing.

1:10
Ditto, ditto. Entertained images of infant/toddler interacting with young girl. Sensations expanded, became more full. Amazing and terrible!

1:35
Sixteen breaths with child. Elements of nausea, sadness, excitement, pleasure, sleepiness. Wanted to stay with it!

1:55
Stayed with child through 25 minute journey to Pioneer Square to meet Eric for lunch. While waiting for Eric, awareness of child seemed to avert anger, impatience. Was not aware of child during time with Eric. Returned to child upon boarding 3pm bus back to work. Counted up to 8 and back repeatedly as an aid to focus.

3:27
At desk. Tired. Don't want to make effort to be with child.

3:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Feel sleepy. Throat quivering. Sadness, pulsing. Sense of danger replaced by sense of weariness. Don't want to stay with it.

4:10, 4:30
Ditto, ditto, ditto.

4:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Still felt sleepy and weary, but also a kind of comfortable resignedness. Could have stayed with child if work weren't calling.

Throughout this day, I approached my work with more patience and care than usual. I made fewer mistakes, and experienced very little frustration. I happened to complete a significant task (re-loading T's data using different parameters) just 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave work. I felt an unusual sense of satisfaction.