I resist repeating an action I previously found enjoyable and beneficial.

This morning, after getting out of bed, I noticed a hunched over feeling, and it occurred to me to stretch by doing a very gentle backbend.

I had tried this a week or two ago as an alternative to lying with a roll under my back. The latter is a passive stretch that feels good but which I resist because it requires me to get on the ground and to have a prop. When I first tried the very gentle backbend, I had doubts that it would have as strong and enjoyable an effect. I was very gentle, stretching slowly, first upward, then slightly back, pressing my hands very gently on a bar in front of me. I found, to my surprise and delight, that it did give as good an effect. On top of that, it was wonderful that such a good, immediate physical effect could come from something so gentle and mindful. In a sense it felt better than when using the back roll, because the back roll is a little forceful and brings up emotional resistance.

Since then, it's occurred to me to try such a backbend again. But the first thought that comes to my mind is, "this is not going to work". Even though it had worked very well! I have the notion that anything I try that works very well for me cannot be repeated to the same good effect. I've noticed this notion before. It's so peculiar that it's hard to believe my mind actually works this way. As I write about it now, I feel bad. The words that come to mind are, "I'm so dumb. Stupid. I'm going to kill that guy standing in front of me to my right. I will never survive if I keep operating on this notion. But this notion is heavy, it's smothering me. And I can't live without it. Don't tell me what to do! Nothing can ever get better!"

So today I decided to do the gentle backbend while giving voice to the emotional resistance as it arose. The voice said, "no! no! no no no! I'm not going to do it again! I'm not going to do it again! You can't make me do it!"

Apparently, the repetition of something beneficial is re-traumatizing for me.

It seems that this discovery should feel very liberating. If only I can be mindful of this re-traumatization--if only I can give voice to the resistance and anger--I can be free to repeat things I've found beneficial! This could have a very dramatic effect on my life! Yet, I feel no such delight. I continue to feel down. Let me give voice to this down feeling:

"Don't make me. Don't tell me things will get better. They won't! It's one of your evil tricks. I want things to stay exactly the same! I'm going to punch you. I'm going to kick you in the balls. Don't tempt me with images of happiness and light. That is not for me. Happiness and light are dangerous, they don't feel good for me. I cannot have them. It is not safe to go there. I will be smashed."

Hmmm. Heavy stuff.

What are some beneficial things that I've not repeated? Taking supplements. Exercising. Speaking out. Being kind. Growing a vegetable garden. Playing marimba. Releasing the tension in my hamstrings. Taking the Body Electric workshop and the Model Mugging workshop. Meditating for 90 minutes each morning. Going on meditation retreat. Yoga class. Practicing mindfulness throughout the work day. Hiking. Running. Dancing. Having sex. Going to Tuesday night meditation gatherings. Tidying the front yard. Drilling holes in the lathe/plaster walls, in order to hang pictures. Taking naps in the middle of the work day. Orienteering. Improvisational dance. Journaling. Writing memoir.

Reflecting on one of the above: releasing the tension in my hamstrings. This is something I discovered 3 years ago when reading The Anatomy of Hatha Yoga, something I was so delighted to learn to do, something I hadn't thought possible. It allowed me to go more deeply into many asanas. When I first learned it, I was elated. I felt powerful and competent. Now, when I think of doing it, I think, "it won't work. Don't try it." In fact, upon trying it again, I found that it didn't work as well. But it also seemed that I wasn't doing it as mindfully, as sincerely--that I was just going through the motions in order to get to the end and say, "It doesn't work." I "proved" to myself that it doesn't work.

I will try again now.

<later> It did work. I was able to stretch the hamstrings to the point of being able to touch my toes. Three years ago I was able to put my fingers under my toes (about another 1.5" of downward reach). Yes, there was a ton of mental resistance of the sort I wrote about.

Discomfort about creating and giving something substantial

09/10/11 9 a.m. Just pressed "send" on a manuscript I've been working on long and hard. Sent to ED, a co-author, for him to work on during his travels. I noticed that as soon as I pressed "send", I wished to distract myself. I chose instead to rest with the notion that I had just sent off something rich and full and of my self. This was uncomfortable to ponder, and now, minutes later, it still feels uncomfortable. What do I feel?

As I think of what I created and sent off, I feel a fullness of being, a swelling and surging within my right throat, arm, and abdomen. I also feel an anxiety, a tensing of the jaw. What if I relax that? A tingling in the jaw, as though it is coming to life; a deep intake of the breath. Deep, tingling pleasure in the jaw. Thoughts: "I shouldn't be doing this! I should be doing something else!" I persevere despite the thoughts. A slight sadness, then a sense of my attacker approaching from the upper right. I stare at him and tell him he cannot hurt me anymore. I feel an urge to action in my torso and arms. I sense that, by giving out a part of my self, I have opened a can of worms that will require me to deal with a diversity of challenging feedback. I see this as small projectiles coming at me, from in front of me, from many directions, one immediately after the other. I hear it as a voice that, like the teacher in the Peanuts animations, is speaking gibberish, but in a harsh, berating tone. The voice is constant; it doesn't let up.