Rescripting

Day 6 of Artie Wu's program

Artie says that my inner parent (seems to be similar to superego) is continuing to mimic what it heard from my actual parents, even though it may have misheard, and even though the actual parents were misguided.

His teaching here is very similar to the affirmations of Louse Haye. I've loved affirmations in the past but have been avoiding them since beginning the Liberation Unleashed / 10 Fetters method of inquiry. When I began with LU, I was instructed to drop all other techniques. Later, after I "passed the gate", Christiane said, "why take on techniques that are based in thought? why not just go for seeing through the illusions that make you believe thoughts?" My current guide, Lynne, also seems in general to be against possibly conflicting techniques. I'll let Lynne know I'm playing with scripts/affirmations.

Current inner script (mostly copied from several earlier blog posts) with rewrites in italics:
You're doing the wrong thing
You don't know what you're doing
My choices are wrong
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I do something enjoyable and mindless, I'm wasting my time
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom

If I experience a moment of joy, I must immediately assure my safety by redirecting my attention to my list of concerns
It is safe to rest after experiencing joy

If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
I am safe without acquiring more. I can rest.

There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
"Don't know what to do" is a rich place to be
"Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be

Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
Ah, a setback! Hello, setback!

Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
My fantasy about strict schedules arose from a deep self-love and longing to be safe. I now release that fantasy.

If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Zarina loves me unconditionally

Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.
Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.

This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
This sensation is part of being alive! No need to investigate. There is no problem.

Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
Awakening is simple, and nearer than near.

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As Artie suggests, I'll copy these onto a piece of paper that I'll keep in my pocket.

Already, I've employed a few lines of the alternative script intensively. First, What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom is called for almost constantly! When I let that message sink in, sensations arise that are interpreted as uncomfortable. Then it's time for This sensation is part of being alive! It has no meaning, and there is no problem. After the self-criticism is set aside, and the idea that sensation indicates a problem, I'm left with disorientation, and it's time for "Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be, and Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.

As I go through this series, thoughts from the programmed script arise repeatedly in a frantic, quasi-cyclic manner, and there is no time to counter each one with the alternative. No wonder: the programmed script is a deeply ingrained habit, the alternative script is a powerful pushback that takes me to a very unfamiliar place.

For the new script to be useful, I think I'll need to review the lines during idle times of day, so that the ideas and the feelings of them become very familiar to me and will be called up quickly when needed, especially given the frantic cycling.

The scripting I'm looking at here is on a deep level, perhaps deeper than Artie's typical audience.

Some additional lines for the alternative script that are appearing useful as I do this work:

Utmost courage (from Sandra Maitri)

Panic is an illusion. I am safe.

The unknown appears so vast, I will never have time to explore it and find my bearings again. Better to stay in the finite space of habit.

There is safety in this vastness, far more than in habit.

I must plan to avoid suffering in the future

The future will take care of itself.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.

You have a right to breathe!

After a few minutes more of working with alternative scripts, I am finding that they can be greatly abbreviated:

Safe

Richness

Faith

Courage

Wisdom

Aliveness

No problem

Breathe

Unconditional love

Illusion

Safety in vastness

The inner self-negative voice

Day 4 of program, "Your parents' unconditional love":

Teacher posits that virtually all parents actually do love their children unconditionally, and that, by extension, we are all lovable exactly as we are. This seems true to me, because I feel love for all beings, no matter how awful they are, and although for my own well being I may need to separate myself from some dangerous or unpleasant people, the love is always there and always ready to be expressed once it seems safe.

Have you experienced this type of misunderstanding with your own parents?

Yes. In my 20s I carried with me the belief that my mother found me disgusting and unacceptable, a belief I'd carried since childhood. One day I gathered my courage and asked her whether she thought there was something wrong with me. She immediately said, "Of course not! How could you think there is something wrong with you? You are my beautiful first born child!" This was a turning point for me. Her voice was so sincere, it changed the assumptions I had about her view of me, and, in turn, it changed my own self-view.

It's remarkable to me now that I once thought there was "something wrong" with me, that I was defective and inferior most other people, because that belief seems to be mostly gone now.

I never had any doubt that my father loved me unconditionally.

 

How does this change how you may speak to yourself internally?

I think the teacher is asking whether this insight into the unconditional love of others might change how I speak to myself internally going forward. No answer comes up immediately.

 

How does this change how you may want to shield and soothe going forward?

I wonder whether I can drop some of the debilitating shielding behaviors I described in my last post, especially perfectionism and people-pleasing. I am currently working on being aware of these behaviors and noticing ways I can drop them, and I think I've been dropping some of them sometimes. I'm definitely less of a pleaser than I used to be. 

The language and methods of emotional wounding

Day 2 of the course I started yesterday:

Shaming language levers:
blame, ridicule/sarcasm, comparison-making, excessive control, imposition of perfection, silence, image control, physical abuse, favoritism

Which language methods were used most often on you, in your childhood?  Which aspects of your wound did these hit?
I think I was most shamed when my mother was disgusted with my body and my crying, and withdrew her attention. I only got attention when I behaved in ways that made her comfortable. This involved silence and image control. This hit the wounding regarding my body, and that bothered me a lot for many years, but it has receded into the background.

My biggest wounding is around competence, since the main messages I hear in my mind are about whether I'm doing the right thing, and that I haven't actually accomplished anything. Perhaps this was reinforced by silence. If I didn't get approval for things I chose to do (but only for things I was asked to do), this would make sense.

Which language methods do you still use on your own self today?
I've seen that I do silence my inner voice, and I've been working with that. But perhaps I silence my inner voice way more than I think I do, given that's what was done to me. (Later in the day:) Gave some attention to this and I can see that I am constantly silencing myself, judging that what the inner voice has to say is not important, or not hearing what the inner voice has to say!

Do you use any of these language methods on others?
Wow, I constantly use silence. In fact, this is something I listed as part of my personality that I dislike. When someone says something that I don't resonate with, or that I judge negatively, I am quiet and I move onto another topic.

Image control: I interact with others in ways that attempt to highlight the features of their personality, their behavior, that I am comfortable with, and silence or suppress the features I am uncomfortable with. I do this with Eric and Zarina. I don't want them to express anger loudly and Zarina is now on a huge project to learn how to not do this anymore.

I blame Eric and Zarina a lot, and I am often trying to control their actions. Once I've controlled their actions in one aspect, I look for another aspect to be dissatisfied with and to try to control.

Wounds, shielding, and soothing

Working through the 7-day program at Preside Meditation. The purpose is to heal from inner wounding.

What is your current "blend" of the four types of emotional wounding?

Competence: I don't judge myself as incompetent in any particular arena, but my inner voice constantly says that, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing the wrong thing; that I haven't achieved anything of worth in my life (to the point of denial and amnesia about what I've achieved); and that if there's anything amiss, it's due to my incompetence. Hugely debilitating.

Body: There are judgments about my slight chubbiness and flabbiness. There is fear that the ways in which my body have aged have made me repulsive to those younger than I. My intermittent breath odor is a cause of anxiety. My hair tends to look unkempt and I fear being judged for that. These concerns are of minor impact; they're not at all debilitating.

Identity/Personality: I'm not aware of any judgments about my ethnic, gender, or sexual identities. I judge my personality as being too fake, too closed, dishonest, introverted, and indecisive. Moderately debilitating.

Relationship: "I will only be lovable if ..."  Hmmm, I feel pretty lovable. But there is a deep belief that I need to perform in order to maintain my love relationships. Mostly in the realm of physical affection. Somewhat debilitating.

What are your main soothing methods?

Of those listed as most common (drugs/alcohol, sex & relationships, food, overwork, media), I use these:

- minor use of caffeine and alcohol

- well controlled use of food

- moderate use of media

I also soothe myself by tidying and organizing, including gathering data and creating to-do lists. If I tidy and organize while I'm with others, I can drop some of the shields below.

I am very pleased with my configuration of soothing methods; they do not cause harm to myself or others. And tidying/organizing have lots of benefits.

What are your main shielding methods?

Of the five listed as most common, I use them all, especially perfectionism and people pleasing:

Money & prestige: I'm not strongly driven to increase these, but, to the extent I possess them, I do use them as shields

Perfectionism: Very much so

Anger: I use this in subtle ways, especially with my partners

Silence & invisibility (actually a camouflage; does not actually shield): Yes, I'm quiet about my opinions and isolate myself from others

People pleasing (actually a form of appeasement; does not actually shield): Yes, very much so.

Am I satisfied with my configuration of shielding methods? I would really like to do less people pleasing and have less perfectionism. Perhaps if I do more soothing I'll feel safe enough to cut down on the shielding. 

Do you see any quick-hit adjustments you'd like to try right away?

I suppose that a more healthy way to shield is to state boundaries. Are there boundaries I can state that will allow me to do less perfectionism and people-pleasing? I can't think of any at the moment.

Looking forward to tomorrow's exercises.