In recent months, while doing inner work or while sleeping and dreaming, I occasionally experience a burst of joy simultaneous with a geometric pattern in my visual field. The pattern is of a kind we used to call psychedelic. Usually a fine-grained monochromatic checkerboard grid on a plane with waves in it. I can't find anything exactly like it on the web, but something like these:
http://www.desktopwallpaper4.me/digital-art/wavy-red-pattern-1281/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/vectorportal/5538189982/sizes/z/in/photostream/
It feels like the joy is about seeing the pattern.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Log 06/30/13
After an enjoyable warm summer day orienteering and taking Eric to the airport, I went home feeling quite gloomy about being alone. Did 2 sessions of inner work. Felt gloomy throughout, and doubtful, but persisted, telling myself that it's OK to be with myself even if it feels dark. Something a bit new: I felt the familiar craving in the right jaw, and tried biting down on a rawhide dog chew. (I'd bought the chew for just this purpose a couple of weeks ago.) New sensations of pleasure and desire arose in the right tongue, along with nausea, gagging, and choking. The sensations in the tongue seemed to trigger or engender mild sexual feelings in the right abdomen and vulva. I gnawed on the rawhide but felt no satisfaction. The desire felt endless and futile.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Upset triggered by exercise. Anger at receiving the attention I asked for.
This morning I did four sets of push-ups. Reps were something like 15, 12, 13, 13. That is way more push-ups than I've been able to do since I started doing push-ups several months ago. A quantum leap. (Previously, my absolute max per set was 11 or 12, and often I could not squeeze out more than 5 or 6.) The last time I did push-ups, a few days ago, I did about 5 sets, whereas previously I'd do only 2 or sometimes 3 sets in a day. I wonder whether doing more sets is what increased my strength?
Thirteen years ago, I worked up to 22 reps in just a few weeks, and after a few more months, was up to 35. I imagine my much slower progress now is the result of aging. According to widely publicized ballpark statistics about age-related muscle loss, I have about 15-20% less baseline muscle mass than I did then.
Today, after each set, I noticed my emotions after the set. It was a powerful mix of emotions, tough to be present for and tough to tease apart. No wonder I hate exercise. (Maybe this is why many people dislike exercise.) There was anger, sadness, frustration, general upset. After each set, I sat on the bed with my torso supported by my large pillow and tried to be with myself. It felt gloomy and unsatisfying. It occurred to me to ask Eric to be with me. It was hard to ask, because I knew Eric was feeling urgent about getting out for a long run and scouting urban orienteering checkpoints. But he readily agreed. He said he was at a good stopping point.
However, it still took him several minutes to wrap up. I felt a familiar tumble of difficult emotion as I waited: anger, uncertainty, and, hardest of all to bear, a deep humiliation, as though I was allowing myself to be subjected to torture. These emotions were difficult to be with, but I felt new patience with them as I realized that I was not, in reality, being humiliated. Then, when Eric finally turned his attention toward me, an anger of a different flavor arose, also very familiar. Usually when I feel angry at finally getting someone's attention, I think, "Now is not the time to feel angry--now is the time to feel appreciative, because I got what I wanted." And I swallow my anger. But in recent weeks I've been allowing the anger. Yay! Yay! Yay! What an amazing and wonderful change. And Eric is OK with it.
Eric came with me into the attic and I did another set of push-ups, then expressed the resulting emotions to him. As usual, when I go to my edge in this work, I feel very uncertain and very uncomfortable with the uncertainty. Can this really be the right thing to do? I was crying and choking. After a few minutes, I talked to Eric about some things that had been on my mind: the resident at Mission Villa who looked so alone and in need of comfort, my desire to comfort her or other such people, my fear of not making enough money and the burden of feeling I need to make money because Eric isn't. I asked him if he would help support me if I wanted to do low-paying work and he said, "I would certainly try."
Eric spent about 35 minutes working with me. Then I fell back asleep for a couple hours. I felt quite depleted, but satisfied. I got into work quite late.
Thirteen years ago, I worked up to 22 reps in just a few weeks, and after a few more months, was up to 35. I imagine my much slower progress now is the result of aging. According to widely publicized ballpark statistics about age-related muscle loss, I have about 15-20% less baseline muscle mass than I did then.
Today, after each set, I noticed my emotions after the set. It was a powerful mix of emotions, tough to be present for and tough to tease apart. No wonder I hate exercise. (Maybe this is why many people dislike exercise.) There was anger, sadness, frustration, general upset. After each set, I sat on the bed with my torso supported by my large pillow and tried to be with myself. It felt gloomy and unsatisfying. It occurred to me to ask Eric to be with me. It was hard to ask, because I knew Eric was feeling urgent about getting out for a long run and scouting urban orienteering checkpoints. But he readily agreed. He said he was at a good stopping point.
However, it still took him several minutes to wrap up. I felt a familiar tumble of difficult emotion as I waited: anger, uncertainty, and, hardest of all to bear, a deep humiliation, as though I was allowing myself to be subjected to torture. These emotions were difficult to be with, but I felt new patience with them as I realized that I was not, in reality, being humiliated. Then, when Eric finally turned his attention toward me, an anger of a different flavor arose, also very familiar. Usually when I feel angry at finally getting someone's attention, I think, "Now is not the time to feel angry--now is the time to feel appreciative, because I got what I wanted." And I swallow my anger. But in recent weeks I've been allowing the anger. Yay! Yay! Yay! What an amazing and wonderful change. And Eric is OK with it.
Eric came with me into the attic and I did another set of push-ups, then expressed the resulting emotions to him. As usual, when I go to my edge in this work, I feel very uncertain and very uncomfortable with the uncertainty. Can this really be the right thing to do? I was crying and choking. After a few minutes, I talked to Eric about some things that had been on my mind: the resident at Mission Villa who looked so alone and in need of comfort, my desire to comfort her or other such people, my fear of not making enough money and the burden of feeling I need to make money because Eric isn't. I asked him if he would help support me if I wanted to do low-paying work and he said, "I would certainly try."
Eric spent about 35 minutes working with me. Then I fell back asleep for a couple hours. I felt quite depleted, but satisfied. I got into work quite late.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Anxiety about the idea that I might be good enough
Hands down, the worst thing about my job is that I constantly think I'm not measuring up. As I've posted before, I usually leave the office feeling unhappy. The unhappiness has words like, "I didn't get anything done. I don't like what I'm doing. I spent half the day struggling with something that should have been easy. I don't have a knack for proteomics. I'm a lousy programmer." All of this, however--even most of the "I don't like what I'm doing"--boils down to thinking I'm not measuring up.
Last night I felt I'd had it with feeling bad about my job and complained bitterly to Eric that I wasn't getting any help with this. He offered to talk. The first thing he said was, "Let's start with the fact that you are good at your work. I have no doubt that you are. Whether you enjoy it or are satisfied with it is another matter."
I reflected for a moment, then said, "90% of my unhappiness stems from thinking I'm not good."
I just spent 20 minutes in the quiet room telling myself, "You are good at your work," then noticing the strong discomfort that arose and trying to characterize it. It had many facets, which I shall list below:
Shut up! You don't know what it's like! You don't know about all the hell I went through as a young person, everyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. Just shut up!
If it's true that I'm good enough, then I have to stop trying to fix my flaws. And that's a project to which I've devoted a lot of effort for decades. I'm not going to give that up! Don't tell me that I was wrong to try to fix myself! Goddamn it, don't tell me I was wrong!!!
I want you to know what I've been through! I can't just let it go! I went through hell! Don't tell me that the people who told me I wasn't good enough were wrong! If they were, that makes me an idiot for believing them! So angry, so angry, so angry ... and there's nothing I can do to fix the past! There's nothing I could have done and there's nothing I can do now. So don't tell me to just forget about it!
Don't tell me I was wrong!
Didn't know where to go from there.
Last night I felt I'd had it with feeling bad about my job and complained bitterly to Eric that I wasn't getting any help with this. He offered to talk. The first thing he said was, "Let's start with the fact that you are good at your work. I have no doubt that you are. Whether you enjoy it or are satisfied with it is another matter."
I reflected for a moment, then said, "90% of my unhappiness stems from thinking I'm not good."
I just spent 20 minutes in the quiet room telling myself, "You are good at your work," then noticing the strong discomfort that arose and trying to characterize it. It had many facets, which I shall list below:
Shut up! You don't know what it's like! You don't know about all the hell I went through as a young person, everyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. Just shut up!
If it's true that I'm good enough, then I have to stop trying to fix my flaws. And that's a project to which I've devoted a lot of effort for decades. I'm not going to give that up! Don't tell me that I was wrong to try to fix myself! Goddamn it, don't tell me I was wrong!!!
I want you to know what I've been through! I can't just let it go! I went through hell! Don't tell me that the people who told me I wasn't good enough were wrong! If they were, that makes me an idiot for believing them! So angry, so angry, so angry ... and there's nothing I can do to fix the past! There's nothing I could have done and there's nothing I can do now. So don't tell me to just forget about it!
Don't tell me I was wrong!
Didn't know where to go from there.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Anxiety related to movement
Since at least middle school I've had an aversion to movement, to exercise. However, I've seen exercise as something I must do for my own good--I must push through the aversion. I've worked on the assumption that if I just keep pushing myself to do running and yoga, I'll get better at them, and the aversion will give way to pleasure in an upward spiral and I will enjoy eternal youth.
The upward spiral peaked in my early 40's with running, and around age 50 with yoga. But now, the spiral is downward: I have become more and more aware of the aversion, and less willing to push through it. When I was at the Forest Refuge in the fall of 2011, I became extremely sensitive to the aversion associated with running, and I've run very little since then. And I've really ramped down on the yoga as well. I've spent my time doing meditation and inner work instead. Over the past 1.5 years or so, I've seen my flexibility decline markedly in many respects: hips, hip flexors, quads, pecs, shoulders, neck, ability to twist the torso. I'm particularly surprised at the decrease in hip flexibility, because I routinely do the standard hip stretches whenever I'm seated on the ground. All of this is quite disturbing.
But I digress from the topic of aversion.
How does the aversion manifest? I only began to have insight into this about 17 years ago. I remember a time when, living alone in the small house on 16th Ave. in Seattle's Central District, I noticed the terror I felt upon opening my front door and beginning to walk out. Later, while staying with Nick in Dallas in 2000, I attended a yoga class and noticed the anger I felt at each instruction. I was committed to honoring the anger, not suppressing it, but I was unskillful--I tried expressing it by crying during the session, which scared me rather than soothed me. I wished for the teacher to offer me healing compassion, but whatever she did offer I did not experience as healing. A few years later I began practicing a lot at home without a teacher. There, I didn't experience anger, but at the beginning of each asana I'd feel a clenching in my chest. I sensed that it had to do with uncertainty.
I have many more stories to tell about my personal history with respect to movement, but I am feeling a sadness and sleepiness writing this, and I feel inclined to wrap this up.
----------------------
Just before beginning this post, I was doing spontaneous movement and observing the associated anxiety in detail. Here are the components I observed:
"No, don't make me do it!"
I feel anger--anger is uncomfortable and triggers a cycle of panic--must shut down.
Despair: having taken this one action, I am reminded of a thousand other actions I wish to take--the vast majority of which I will not take because I do not have the time (or will not make the time) and because it is so emotionally painful to take these actions--I feel great despair about this. Is this the right action out of those thousand? Most, perhaps all, of those thousand are actions I've been told to take, so I am reminded of all the instructions I am failing to follow.
Bewilderment, overwhelm at the range of possibilities. I then feel alone.
"I don't know what I'm doing!"
"I don't know how to take care of myself!"
"This is a waste of time!"
Pleasure
Craving
The sequence of emotions is less predictable when I am moving; therefore, I prefer to stay still.
The upward spiral peaked in my early 40's with running, and around age 50 with yoga. But now, the spiral is downward: I have become more and more aware of the aversion, and less willing to push through it. When I was at the Forest Refuge in the fall of 2011, I became extremely sensitive to the aversion associated with running, and I've run very little since then. And I've really ramped down on the yoga as well. I've spent my time doing meditation and inner work instead. Over the past 1.5 years or so, I've seen my flexibility decline markedly in many respects: hips, hip flexors, quads, pecs, shoulders, neck, ability to twist the torso. I'm particularly surprised at the decrease in hip flexibility, because I routinely do the standard hip stretches whenever I'm seated on the ground. All of this is quite disturbing.
But I digress from the topic of aversion.
How does the aversion manifest? I only began to have insight into this about 17 years ago. I remember a time when, living alone in the small house on 16th Ave. in Seattle's Central District, I noticed the terror I felt upon opening my front door and beginning to walk out. Later, while staying with Nick in Dallas in 2000, I attended a yoga class and noticed the anger I felt at each instruction. I was committed to honoring the anger, not suppressing it, but I was unskillful--I tried expressing it by crying during the session, which scared me rather than soothed me. I wished for the teacher to offer me healing compassion, but whatever she did offer I did not experience as healing. A few years later I began practicing a lot at home without a teacher. There, I didn't experience anger, but at the beginning of each asana I'd feel a clenching in my chest. I sensed that it had to do with uncertainty.
I have many more stories to tell about my personal history with respect to movement, but I am feeling a sadness and sleepiness writing this, and I feel inclined to wrap this up.
----------------------
Just before beginning this post, I was doing spontaneous movement and observing the associated anxiety in detail. Here are the components I observed:
"No, don't make me do it!"
I feel anger--anger is uncomfortable and triggers a cycle of panic--must shut down.
Despair: having taken this one action, I am reminded of a thousand other actions I wish to take--the vast majority of which I will not take because I do not have the time (or will not make the time) and because it is so emotionally painful to take these actions--I feel great despair about this. Is this the right action out of those thousand? Most, perhaps all, of those thousand are actions I've been told to take, so I am reminded of all the instructions I am failing to follow.
Bewilderment, overwhelm at the range of possibilities. I then feel alone.
"I don't know what I'm doing!"
"I don't know how to take care of myself!"
"This is a waste of time!"
Pleasure
Craving
The sequence of emotions is less predictable when I am moving; therefore, I prefer to stay still.
Fear of getting someone to do what I want
I have been trying to organize a project that requires the cooperation of certain specific individuals. If they do not participate, the project will not go forward. And the project is important to me.
I wrote to the individuals. Two responded immediately that they were in. The third did not respond for several days, and this person was the one I most feared may not want to participate.
Today I see in my inbox that this person is also agreeing. I am afraid. I see a void in front of me. I imagine that this person is angry at me: I tell myself the story that I have coerced them, even blackmailed them, and they utterly despise me for backing them into this corner. They see my true colors.
There is some truth to this story. This project has become more important to me than the well being of the individuals involved. I have not been reflecting on their well being in more than a superficial way. I feel guilty about that.
But let me offer myself some compassion. In recent weeks, this has begun with, "I don't know how to offer myself compassion". I begin with this today. As the guilt softens, I see that my asking these people to participate has been a most ordinary request, not a criminal act. And that my lack of compassion for the would-be participants is, although not ideal, most ordinary and forgivable.
Yet I still do not want to read the entirety of this email. I do not want to read a message from someone who might reflect back to me my blind greed and manipulatory tendencies. Perhaps if I reflect on these myself before reading the email ... As I do so, my fear of the email subsides.
I wrote to the individuals. Two responded immediately that they were in. The third did not respond for several days, and this person was the one I most feared may not want to participate.
Today I see in my inbox that this person is also agreeing. I am afraid. I see a void in front of me. I imagine that this person is angry at me: I tell myself the story that I have coerced them, even blackmailed them, and they utterly despise me for backing them into this corner. They see my true colors.
There is some truth to this story. This project has become more important to me than the well being of the individuals involved. I have not been reflecting on their well being in more than a superficial way. I feel guilty about that.
But let me offer myself some compassion. In recent weeks, this has begun with, "I don't know how to offer myself compassion". I begin with this today. As the guilt softens, I see that my asking these people to participate has been a most ordinary request, not a criminal act. And that my lack of compassion for the would-be participants is, although not ideal, most ordinary and forgivable.
Yet I still do not want to read the entirety of this email. I do not want to read a message from someone who might reflect back to me my blind greed and manipulatory tendencies. Perhaps if I reflect on these myself before reading the email ... As I do so, my fear of the email subsides.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Different perspectives on "I don't know"
Often, when I listen to myself, an inner (child) voice is saying, "I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not sure of myself! I don't know how to accomplish what I want! I don't know what to do! I have no idea what to do!" I've been trying to listen to that voice and have compassion for it. (Often I feel like I don't know what it means to have compassion; then the voice becomes, "I don't know how to have compassion!") Some small child (me) was in a tough situation ... it seemed that nothing she tried worked for her ... she tried and tried, but it didn't work ... others told her she didn't know what she was doing. She lost confidence in herself and placed her trust in the voices of others. But, of course, it wasn't a deep trust, not at all.
Today I was listening to this voice during our lab meeting ... extending compassion ... allowing ... listening. Something relaxed and opened a little. I became more present. And then I recalled this Buddhist notion, "the wisdom of I Don't Know" ... on some level, I really never do know, I never can know. And yet I do know. The panic I felt as a very young child was partly due to being in a specific impossible situation ... but it was also due to my experiencing the human condition, the fact of this universal not-knowing.
Today I was listening to this voice during our lab meeting ... extending compassion ... allowing ... listening. Something relaxed and opened a little. I became more present. And then I recalled this Buddhist notion, "the wisdom of I Don't Know" ... on some level, I really never do know, I never can know. And yet I do know. The panic I felt as a very young child was partly due to being in a specific impossible situation ... but it was also due to my experiencing the human condition, the fact of this universal not-knowing.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Log 06/19/13
Early morning: Awoke and began attending to self. Felt very dark, seemingly because of some events of yesterday: (a) I'd attended to self throughout workday, but still left work feeling "bad" that I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted. (b) I then felt very angry when I arrived at my psychotherapy appt. with T, and didn't feel safe to express it, probably because he'd missed our last appt. and was now going away for 3 weeks. (c) I'd asked T for advice regarding my relationship with Z, but all his suggestions sounded like things I'd tried before with Z and other women friends, things that felt really unpleasant and led to escalating fear/anger. (d) I asked T what to do when my inner work leads to memories of being utterly helpless, hopeless, and angry, unable to get what I wanted from Mom. I said I was doubting whether it was good to return to that state over and over again. He said it was probably better not to keep going there, but instead to offer myself holding or to think of what it would feel like to get what I wanted from him. These options didn't sound appealing. (e) I felt compelled to have sex last night when I didn't really want to. Toward the end, I noticed horror stories coming to mind about letting myself be used, but pushed them aside.
Feeling this dark, it did not feel interesting or nourishing to do inner child / trauma recovery work. It occurred to me that I could meditate instead! Practiced silent noting. After about 10 minutes, shifted into a state that felt quite equanimous. After about another 10 minutes, another shift into greater equanimity. Kept meditating for about another hour. Very pleasant. Am I in the equanimity stage of 2nd path?
10:49 am: An emotionally tumultuous morning. Interactions with Eric and Z. Good, but frequently painful. Wrote to A about genetic study. Brief conversation with Dad on phone. Now, settling into work.
11:10 Time to go down to P3 and meditate.
11:15 33 minutes silent noting. Not as equanimous as this morning. By the end of the session, I was checking the clock. Also, I felt a little sleepy. But very little sadness, fear, or anger. Mostly pressure, expanding, releasing, hearing, hearing, expanding, hearing, thinking, sleepiness, pressure, pulsing ...
12:10 Attending to self. Not much concentration. Not much going on. Peaceful.
12:30 Pulsing, pressure on right side of face. Slight nausea.
12:40 Impatience with interrupting myself. "I want to get this done, it will feel so good!" "But it won't. I wonder why you think it will?" "OK, what I mean is that it feels good to keep going." Did thought experiment: it's time to go home from work. "No!!! I want to stay here until I get the reward!" "What will the reward be?" "A big celebration because I've completed something shiny and wonderful that every single person admires, followed by a long, long recess."
1:56 Had a one-hour lunch with Eric at Veggie Grill, after finding that Thai Simple had gone out of business and Eric was irritated that the food trucks were no cheaper than restaurants (unlike the Mexican food trucks in California or Utah). Doing thought experiment: it's time to go home! Sadness!
2:16 "It's time to go home!" Anger! "Don't make me leave, I'm not done! I haven't finished! Don't take me away from here! Give me a chance! I can get it done! I want to finish loading these experiments, then get a nearly-complete draft of the cross-proteome analysis!!!" (impossible) ... wow, I didn't realize before that what I felt when leaving work was anger!
3:10 I am sad because I've not gotten any work done in the past hour. I've been waiting for mMap to finish running, and occasionally checking in by running mQuest on the files that are ready. The mQuest results look bad -- each file has just a few lines, or even just one line, and it's almost always a dummy peakgroup!
"It's time to go home!" "NO!!! Don't tell me I'm not good enough! I am good enough! Don't you dare say I'm not good enough!!!
Feeling this dark, it did not feel interesting or nourishing to do inner child / trauma recovery work. It occurred to me that I could meditate instead! Practiced silent noting. After about 10 minutes, shifted into a state that felt quite equanimous. After about another 10 minutes, another shift into greater equanimity. Kept meditating for about another hour. Very pleasant. Am I in the equanimity stage of 2nd path?
10:49 am: An emotionally tumultuous morning. Interactions with Eric and Z. Good, but frequently painful. Wrote to A about genetic study. Brief conversation with Dad on phone. Now, settling into work.
11:10 Time to go down to P3 and meditate.
11:15 33 minutes silent noting. Not as equanimous as this morning. By the end of the session, I was checking the clock. Also, I felt a little sleepy. But very little sadness, fear, or anger. Mostly pressure, expanding, releasing, hearing, hearing, expanding, hearing, thinking, sleepiness, pressure, pulsing ...
12:10 Attending to self. Not much concentration. Not much going on. Peaceful.
12:30 Pulsing, pressure on right side of face. Slight nausea.
12:40 Impatience with interrupting myself. "I want to get this done, it will feel so good!" "But it won't. I wonder why you think it will?" "OK, what I mean is that it feels good to keep going." Did thought experiment: it's time to go home from work. "No!!! I want to stay here until I get the reward!" "What will the reward be?" "A big celebration because I've completed something shiny and wonderful that every single person admires, followed by a long, long recess."
1:56 Had a one-hour lunch with Eric at Veggie Grill, after finding that Thai Simple had gone out of business and Eric was irritated that the food trucks were no cheaper than restaurants (unlike the Mexican food trucks in California or Utah). Doing thought experiment: it's time to go home! Sadness!
2:16 "It's time to go home!" Anger! "Don't make me leave, I'm not done! I haven't finished! Don't take me away from here! Give me a chance! I can get it done! I want to finish loading these experiments, then get a nearly-complete draft of the cross-proteome analysis!!!" (impossible) ... wow, I didn't realize before that what I felt when leaving work was anger!
3:10 I am sad because I've not gotten any work done in the past hour. I've been waiting for mMap to finish running, and occasionally checking in by running mQuest on the files that are ready. The mQuest results look bad -- each file has just a few lines, or even just one line, and it's almost always a dummy peakgroup!
"It's time to go home!" "NO!!! Don't tell me I'm not good enough! I am good enough! Don't you dare say I'm not good enough!!!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Log 06/18/13
Committing to staying with myself today. Getting work done is not more important than staying with myself.
10:39 When checking in with myself this morning, I've found huge, undirected anxiety. "Panicking ... don't know what to do ... not good enough ... I'm bad, I'm wrong ... overwhelming ... too much ... can only try to keep head above water ... I'm not doing this right because nothing is happening, nothing is changing ..."
10:50 "This is useless ... better to just keep working." I feel sadness, tension in my chest throat (that opens a little even as I write about it), pleasure/craving in the right jaw ... "I'm sad. There's nothing to be done." Hearing the ventilation system. "Want to get away. Not OK to stay here." Even just thinking about keeping this journal brings a strong and immediate reaction from the superego--"this is not what you're supposed to be doing!"
10:59 Tension ... sadness ... sigh ... "I'm afraid of being discovered" Don't want to shift my attention back to my work. Let's see if I can keep attention on self while working ... at least until the next alarm in 9 minutes.
11:10 Saw the alarm ... felt sad to immediately leave my work ... and sleepy! "This is a waste of time" ... ventilation system sounds ... anger at co-worker's sneeze ... "I am angry ... and sad." Noticing right shoulder tensing forward; consciously relaxing it back. Sadness. Time to get back to work. "Didn't get anything done attending to self." Also--I didn't keep attention on self during previous 9 minutes. Not at all.
11:22 Re-read the email I sent a week ago to the Esse family on Mom's dementia. Dianne had thanked me for my "sensitive" email so I wanted to read it again to remind myself of how sensitive I had been. Reading it, it sounded very sensitive, but underneath I noticed a rock-solid belief that it was really insensitive. While reading this, didn't worry at all that I was wasting my time, even though this activity was much more a waste of time than being with myself.
11:30 So wrenching to tear myself away from my work each time. Sleepy ... nauseous ... "I'm surely not doing this right. Nothing is changing!" (even though the nausea is new!) I have to keep remembering the craftiness of the superego, denying reality at every turn. This is worthwhile. Things are changing.
11:50 More slight nausea ... feel like I'm in the center of a storm
11:56 Completed first task of the day (making 3 PASSEL experiments public) ... took about an hour. "No! don't want to be done! Now I'm getting put back out in the cold! No safety!" Sadness ... nausea ... "I didn't really do anything. I didn't do anything at all!" But I did do that! I did it! I did it, and I did a fine job!! What does that feel like?
12:27 Spent about 12 minutes in the quiet room investigating this. Really hard & uncomfortable. The resistance to acknowledging accomplishment felt impenetrable. "I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!!" Then, "He made me do it! I had to do it! It wasn't my idea at all! It was all his idea, he made me do everything down to the last detail!!!" Wanted to punched. Punched in slow motion with right hand, then swept extended arm back. Repeated several times. So much intense feeling, seemingly with nowhere to go. Anger. It's such hard work to stay with myself. In the moment, it feels so unrewarding. I'll just keep with it for just this day. I imagine getting over some kind of hump.
1:01 Sad ... nauseous ... angry! I don't want to feel this way! Anger. "Don't put me down! Leave me alone! Let me do what I want to do, what I need to do! You have no idea!" Vision of Uncle ____ above me and to my right. I despise him. My head turns all the way to the right. Boy, this is hard. I hope I am rewarded by feeling more grounded when I leave work ... 5 hours from now ... aaack, so far away!
1:17 Just zoned out in email for a while ... now, will eat lunch. After feeling angry at Uncle ____ again. <later> Found 2 of those add-on pencil erasers in the office supply room. Put one on a pencil and bit down hard. It breaks.
1:46 Ate lunch. Was less meticulous about avoiding waste than usual (allowed egg white to come off when I peeled my hard-boiled egg; put the shells in the trash instead of the compost). Wiped inside of tupperware with napkin; flashed to Mom wiping poop off of something -- baby Paul's butt? My attitude about getting through this day of mindfulness is one of grim determination rather than delight.
2:12 Destroyed one pencil eraser. It does feel good.
2:24 Aaaack, I don't want to do this!!! Pulsing, sadness, sleepiness ... Why don't you want to do this? "I am with my tormentor. I am angry. I want to kill .... but I can't." I am at loggerheads.
3:43 How did well over an hour pass without my checking in? Well ... I talked to Eric on the phone. Then I researched chew toys. I think rawhide dog chews will work well! Then I finished my first PASSEL load and tested it. Then, I read some emails, including one from cousin D. agreeing to participate in further genetic testing. Then wrote to cousin J asking her if she would participate as well.
3:50 Slight nausea, pulsing, sleepiness. I intentionally turn my attention to Uncle _____. I want my chew toy now!
4:21 Just spent 28 minutes being interviewed for my long term care insurance application. Tomato, children, floor, tree, secretary, radio, shoe, eagle, knee. I didn't remember the tenth word.
4:52 Immediately directed my mind toward Uncle ______. Rage. One delightful benefit of this work is that I do not feel any anxiety about the work I am doing for my job. Annoyance, anger -- yes. (I am very annoyed that I have to once again use this arcane recipe for creating a PASSEL reviewer login.) Anxiety -- no.
5:17 Just realized it's time to jam out of here. At that moment, I realized that I did have work anxiety, because the familiar feeling of yuck came over me, the feeling I usually have at the end of the work day that I failed, that I did not accomplish what I set out to do, that I didn't do enough. Boo!!!
10:39 When checking in with myself this morning, I've found huge, undirected anxiety. "Panicking ... don't know what to do ... not good enough ... I'm bad, I'm wrong ... overwhelming ... too much ... can only try to keep head above water ... I'm not doing this right because nothing is happening, nothing is changing ..."
10:50 "This is useless ... better to just keep working." I feel sadness, tension in my chest throat (that opens a little even as I write about it), pleasure/craving in the right jaw ... "I'm sad. There's nothing to be done." Hearing the ventilation system. "Want to get away. Not OK to stay here." Even just thinking about keeping this journal brings a strong and immediate reaction from the superego--"this is not what you're supposed to be doing!"
10:59 Tension ... sadness ... sigh ... "I'm afraid of being discovered" Don't want to shift my attention back to my work. Let's see if I can keep attention on self while working ... at least until the next alarm in 9 minutes.
11:10 Saw the alarm ... felt sad to immediately leave my work ... and sleepy! "This is a waste of time" ... ventilation system sounds ... anger at co-worker's sneeze ... "I am angry ... and sad." Noticing right shoulder tensing forward; consciously relaxing it back. Sadness. Time to get back to work. "Didn't get anything done attending to self." Also--I didn't keep attention on self during previous 9 minutes. Not at all.
11:22 Re-read the email I sent a week ago to the Esse family on Mom's dementia. Dianne had thanked me for my "sensitive" email so I wanted to read it again to remind myself of how sensitive I had been. Reading it, it sounded very sensitive, but underneath I noticed a rock-solid belief that it was really insensitive. While reading this, didn't worry at all that I was wasting my time, even though this activity was much more a waste of time than being with myself.
11:30 So wrenching to tear myself away from my work each time. Sleepy ... nauseous ... "I'm surely not doing this right. Nothing is changing!" (even though the nausea is new!) I have to keep remembering the craftiness of the superego, denying reality at every turn. This is worthwhile. Things are changing.
11:50 More slight nausea ... feel like I'm in the center of a storm
11:56 Completed first task of the day (making 3 PASSEL experiments public) ... took about an hour. "No! don't want to be done! Now I'm getting put back out in the cold! No safety!" Sadness ... nausea ... "I didn't really do anything. I didn't do anything at all!" But I did do that! I did it! I did it, and I did a fine job!! What does that feel like?
12:27 Spent about 12 minutes in the quiet room investigating this. Really hard & uncomfortable. The resistance to acknowledging accomplishment felt impenetrable. "I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!!" Then, "He made me do it! I had to do it! It wasn't my idea at all! It was all his idea, he made me do everything down to the last detail!!!" Wanted to punched. Punched in slow motion with right hand, then swept extended arm back. Repeated several times. So much intense feeling, seemingly with nowhere to go. Anger. It's such hard work to stay with myself. In the moment, it feels so unrewarding. I'll just keep with it for just this day. I imagine getting over some kind of hump.
1:01 Sad ... nauseous ... angry! I don't want to feel this way! Anger. "Don't put me down! Leave me alone! Let me do what I want to do, what I need to do! You have no idea!" Vision of Uncle ____ above me and to my right. I despise him. My head turns all the way to the right. Boy, this is hard. I hope I am rewarded by feeling more grounded when I leave work ... 5 hours from now ... aaack, so far away!
1:17 Just zoned out in email for a while ... now, will eat lunch. After feeling angry at Uncle ____ again. <later> Found 2 of those add-on pencil erasers in the office supply room. Put one on a pencil and bit down hard. It breaks.
1:46 Ate lunch. Was less meticulous about avoiding waste than usual (allowed egg white to come off when I peeled my hard-boiled egg; put the shells in the trash instead of the compost). Wiped inside of tupperware with napkin; flashed to Mom wiping poop off of something -- baby Paul's butt? My attitude about getting through this day of mindfulness is one of grim determination rather than delight.
2:12 Destroyed one pencil eraser. It does feel good.
2:24 Aaaack, I don't want to do this!!! Pulsing, sadness, sleepiness ... Why don't you want to do this? "I am with my tormentor. I am angry. I want to kill .... but I can't." I am at loggerheads.
3:43 How did well over an hour pass without my checking in? Well ... I talked to Eric on the phone. Then I researched chew toys. I think rawhide dog chews will work well! Then I finished my first PASSEL load and tested it. Then, I read some emails, including one from cousin D. agreeing to participate in further genetic testing. Then wrote to cousin J asking her if she would participate as well.
3:50 Slight nausea, pulsing, sleepiness. I intentionally turn my attention to Uncle _____. I want my chew toy now!
4:21 Just spent 28 minutes being interviewed for my long term care insurance application. Tomato, children, floor, tree, secretary, radio, shoe, eagle, knee. I didn't remember the tenth word.
4:52 Immediately directed my mind toward Uncle ______. Rage. One delightful benefit of this work is that I do not feel any anxiety about the work I am doing for my job. Annoyance, anger -- yes. (I am very annoyed that I have to once again use this arcane recipe for creating a PASSEL reviewer login.) Anxiety -- no.
5:17 Just realized it's time to jam out of here. At that moment, I realized that I did have work anxiety, because the familiar feeling of yuck came over me, the feeling I usually have at the end of the work day that I failed, that I did not accomplish what I set out to do, that I didn't do enough. Boo!!!
Friday, June 7, 2013
A comparison of Vipassana noting practice and the inner child / trauma recovery work I've been doing
In recent weeks I've been meditating very little. I spend between 30 and 90 minutes on a typical day (much more on the occasional weekend day) doing some kind of seated mindfulness, but usually it is inner child / trauma recovery work. Often I sit with the intention of doing such work. Other times, I sit with the intention to meditate, but the other work calls to me.
I've been participating in a 2-month "Life Retreat" with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I meet individually with one of them once a week, and meet with a small group once a week. I've felt uneasy on this retreat because I've been meditating so little. Beth and Kenneth have encouraged me to do the inner work I've been doing, but the superego messages to "follow the program" have been strong as usual, resulting in this uneasiness. Partly to ease this conflict, and partly because I think this will be useful to me and others--and partly because I told Kenneth I was interested in this--I put together a comparison of my two practices in a chart below. At the bottom of the chart, the ultimate goal is stated differently for each practice, but essentially they share the same ultimate goal: freedom.
All of the teachings I've received have recommended keeping one's meditation practice separate from one's psychological work. Partly, I think this is good, practical advice, especially if one is aiming for path attainments. We know that pure, diligent noting works. There is hearsay that those who dilute their Vipassana practice with psychological meanderings are less likely to attain stream entry. But I think the advice to keep the two practices separate is partly because we don't have a lot of experience with melding the two. Modern psychology is a very recent invention.
Here are some questions:
I've been participating in a 2-month "Life Retreat" with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I meet individually with one of them once a week, and meet with a small group once a week. I've felt uneasy on this retreat because I've been meditating so little. Beth and Kenneth have encouraged me to do the inner work I've been doing, but the superego messages to "follow the program" have been strong as usual, resulting in this uneasiness. Partly to ease this conflict, and partly because I think this will be useful to me and others--and partly because I told Kenneth I was interested in this--I put together a comparison of my two practices in a chart below. At the bottom of the chart, the ultimate goal is stated differently for each practice, but essentially they share the same ultimate goal: freedom.
All of the teachings I've received have recommended keeping one's meditation practice separate from one's psychological work. Partly, I think this is good, practical advice, especially if one is aiming for path attainments. We know that pure, diligent noting works. There is hearsay that those who dilute their Vipassana practice with psychological meanderings are less likely to attain stream entry. But I think the advice to keep the two practices separate is partly because we don't have a lot of experience with melding the two. Modern psychology is a very recent invention.
Here are some questions:
- Do I pass through the nanas (stages of insight) while doing a session of inner child / trauma recovery work?
- Does insight into the three characteristics arise during inner child / trauma recovery work?
- In my daily life, am I oscillating between the dukkha nanas and equanimity, and would this account for mood changes? Sometimes I feel very dark, and other times I feel equanimous. Such moods last for at least a few hours.
| Noting | Inner Child / Trauma Recovery Work | |
|---|---|---|
| Basic activity | Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises. | Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises, preferring emotional states. |
| Sensation | Note | Ignore sensations that are not associated with emotion |
| Emotional state | Note, then let go of, state | Linger with state, but without clinging. Move with it, extend it compassion, talk to child ("I see you are afraid") and listen for response, etc. Look for next state. |
| Planning thought, or story about present time | Note and let go of thought | Let go of thought; look for feeling that underlies thought |
| Superego messages ("this is a waste of time", "this is dangerous") | Note and let go of thought | Extend compassion to child and dialog: "I see you feel very scared. What feels dangerous? What might happen?" |
| Old stories ("someone is about to attack me", "I am alone") | Usually these do not come up | Listen to story, be mindful of resulting state and/or dialogue with child |
| Image | Note and let go of image | Direct attention to any feeling triggered by image |
| Posture | Upright | Collapsed forward and supported by large cushion in front of torso |
| Motion | Relaxed pulsing and rocking with breath | Can choose to sway, rock, or make gross motions with limbs (pushing, etc.) if such motion seems to follow an urge or allow a holding to relax |
| Insights | "Oh, the mind works like this!" | "Oh, this emotion which previously felt heavy and embarrassing is simply a natural consequence of something that was previously hidden but is now visible to me!" |
| Purpose | Notice the three characteristics: anicca, anatta, dukkha | Fully experience repressed emotional states |
| Ultimate goal | Cut through the illusion of self | Allow the experience of core emptiness |
Log 06/07/13
7am One hour inner work. I noticed and dialogued with emotional states as they arose. Craving became predominant. I noticed in a new and deeper way the pain of craving. Rested my attention upon it, noticed the component sensations. Did not inquire what I was craving for--had tried that many times in recent months and not gotten an answer. At one point, I felt like I dropped down into a state of a kind of nothingness and unfamiliarity. This has happened from time to time in recent weeks. This dropping is similar to the dropping I experienced on July 13, 2012 (what Beth said was probably the moment before stream entry), but much less dramatic, and with less nothingness. It's also similar to some state changes I experience during noting meditation. I tried not to search for familiar states such as craving and sadness, but to just be with the nothingness. After maybe 20 seconds I noticed that craving was there "on the side" -- and after maybe another 20 seconds, I realized that the craving was once again predominant. So I then shifted my attention back to that. Arose shortly thereafter; felt more centered in myself than usual.
Log 06/04/13
10:57 a.m. Looking into my experience this moment: predominant sense is "I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know what's happening." I hope this is a good thing.
11:11 I'm doing the wrong thing! I don't know what to do! Really!!! Meanwhile, I'm wasting my life! Being with this. Sadness, sleepiness.
11:27 A moment of overwhelm in my work ... a wave of sadness ... an immediate reaction: "this is really dangerous; I have to pull out of this feeling or it will drown me (I will be unable to work)." Staying with it ... sleepiness quivering desire longing despair ...
11:39 Again.
12:31 Hypothesis via self observation: the sadness is a response to self-criticism.
11:11 I'm doing the wrong thing! I don't know what to do! Really!!! Meanwhile, I'm wasting my life! Being with this. Sadness, sleepiness.
11:27 A moment of overwhelm in my work ... a wave of sadness ... an immediate reaction: "this is really dangerous; I have to pull out of this feeling or it will drown me (I will be unable to work)." Staying with it ... sleepiness quivering desire longing despair ...
11:39 Again.
12:31 Hypothesis via self observation: the sadness is a response to self-criticism.
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