6:15 a.m. One hour seated whispered noting. After about 5 minutes, entered a state that I've been thinking of as equanimity. I felt quite comfortable, and even the suffering was not bothersome. Perceptions were discrete, attention was good. As time went on, fewer things came to my attention for noting; often, after a word came out of my mouth, there was nothing new prominently in my attention to note right away. Many thoughts arose, but I rarely got lost in thought. Perhaps the vocalized noting kept me on track, but perhaps it was also whichever nana I was in. I was quite aware of dukkha. When nothing was happening, there was still dukkha, often in the form of craving (for something more interesting, for the end of the sitting). But sometimes it was just plain, raw, unsatisfactoriness -- in which case, I noted "dukkha". Other frequent notes were the usual hearing, expanding, releasing, rocking, pulsing. Plus dryness, moisture, swallowing--due to the vocalized noting. Thinking. (At first, when I noticed thinking, I'd note the next perception instead of noting "thinking" ... then I remembered that I want to note it right away, and then mostly was able to do that.)
Last night I read a couple of practice logs on Kenneth Folk Dharma. I plan to move my log to that forum after my next meeting with Beth, whenever that may be. Why? I experience a hope that Kenneth and other forum participants will chime in on my logs, allowing me to feel visible, allowing me to become a part of Buddhist history, and helping me better know what is happening to me. (I'd like Beth to comment in writing, but I didn't notice her commenting when I looked last night.) But also, that forum has a more compressed visual format that's easier to scan, it's where a practice log belongs, and it will allow me to keep this blog as an actual blog.
I felt equanimous all day. Content, positive. Work sailed along. Exceptions: my partner Eric was in a very stressful and chaotic situation with regard to his work, and the two times I spoke to him about it, I felt panicky and constricted. Both times I let go of the constriction right away afterward. Also, received some startling news about my mother's health, and fear/panic set in. My heart pounded. Did some meditation; after maybe 10 or 15 minutes of alternating meditation and attention to work, I had let go of the panic. That might be quicker recovery than normal; not sure. In general, over the past few years, I've been able to quickly let go of some (not all) difficult mind states.
9pm 20 minutes seated whispered noting. I was going to do 45 minutes but I got sleepy plus had RLS symptoms. Got up and did noting while packing for my trip tomorrow. I was quite calm and efficient about packing; didn't stress out as I usually do about making choices.
10:30 pm (bedtime) Eric said something relatively benign that triggered anger. Did not let go of anger (though tried) before falling asleep. During sleep, felt hypersensitive and slightly nauseous.
1:30 am: about 50 minutes of the craziest noting session ever. I awoke feeling really uncomfortable; an intensification of the physical/emotional hypersensitivity I'd felt since going to bed. Wasn't sure if it was physical illness or a mind thing. Sat up and began whispered noting. I felt immediate relief as the schmear of bad feeling transformed into a series of discernable perceptions: pulsing, nausea, rocking, fear, sadness, aversion. I felt somehow comfortably locked into my meditation. I applied effort to name each sensation because there was still something I wasn't naming, something like sick-anguish. I had thoughts like, "this is super intense, maybe when people have trouble in the dukkha nanas, this is what they're talking about. Or maybe this is high equanimity even though it is unpleasant. I hope that something is really happening here!" Periodically I found myself formulating a story for my practice log. I then noted "recording" or "narrating". There was a lot of pressure in my head (and chest?); I noted pressure. The nausea was moderately strong (though not nearly as unpleasant as when not meditating) and I worried repeatedly that I might actually throw up while I was sitting. It felt like maybe I was ill from the restaurant dinner I'd had. I continued to be hypersensitive to tactile sensations (Eric moving next to me) and sounds (the sound of Eric moving against the sheets, Z opening her bedroom door down the hall), overwhelming me with a rage that I couldn't/didn't fully feel. So I put in earplugs to turn down the volume. Also, after a while I asked Eric to hold me; this provided a pleasant warmth and psychological comfort, and prevented my reacting to his movements. After some time, some exquisite pleasure snuck in amidst the unpleasantness. At times the pleasure was predominant; at other times notes of "pleasure" were mixed in with notes of unpleasant perceptions. My body swayed a lot; it was very spontaneous and beautiful, like kelp in the sea. Occasionally thoughts of what is going on in my life appeared and I seemed to gain a sliver of new understanding of each--or perhaps I imagined/wished that I did. This was often followed immediately by fear or sadness. Midway through the session, vocalized noting seemed like too much effort, and I switched to silent noting. Also near the midpoint, I had the thought, "There is extra anxiety and effort here. What if I try to relax and let go?" I did make effort to let go ("relaxing", "letting go"). This had a mild result of allowing more relaxation, a quieting of the mind, and a sense of being fully within my experience rather than looking at it from the outside -- but not a large effect. I wanted (and feared) going deeper and noted craving, desire, fear. Finally, unpleasant perceptions subsided and sleepiness became more predominant. I desired to go to sleep and noted "craving". And then I lay down to go back to sleep.
When I awoke in the morning, I had the ringing in the ears that I associate with periods of intensive concentration practice.
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