For the past several weeks I've immersed myself in reading and thinking about sex and gender identity. The West is in the midst of a massive societal shift with regard to these concepts. It affects my daily life, so I am trying to find my place in this realm. Will I state "my" third person pronouns if asked? Will I use the third person pronouns that others request? To what extent will I use gender neutral pronouns for all people, as I think we all would ideally do? How will I respond when in a women's locker room and somebody male-presenting or male-bodied enters? I believe the concept of gender identity is harmful, especially when it replaces (rather than augments) the biological concept of sex, and also especially when it is taught to children. This viewpoint has come to be called "gender critical", although I hesitate to take on that label because so many who embrace it oversimplify the situation.
I have been reading memoirs of people with nonbinary gender identity, and also accounts of parents who have sought help in children's gender clinics. And these have illustrated for me the power of female and male norms in our society. Having had 60 years to adapt to these norms, I navigate them with reasonable ease, so it is easy to forget or ignore how powerful they are and the sacrifices that I and others have made to them. It is easy to dismiss those who have not been able to adapt, or who choose not to.
Norms for males are the more stringent. Little boys absolutely must conform to them, else face punishment from their peers (not to mention powerful and hurtful pushback from adults). Pressure from teachers, coaches, schoolmates, neighbors, and relatives forces boys to be rough and tumble, at least to some extent. It discourages them from expressing passive or nurturing tendencies. It ridicules interest in any kind of personal adornment, or fondness for female role models or fictional characters. Societal pressure demands that boys interact mostly with one another, and that they do so in the manner that is typical for males. I do not believe it an exaggeration to say that boys are brutalized into behaving like boys.
As adults, males, especially heterosexual males, must continue to conform in order to succeed professionally and socially. There is more leeway to deviate than in childhood, but not much more.
I read in some accounts from adult males (I use the word male to refer to the person's sex, not their gender identity) of the pain they experience at not having an avenue to express themselves socially the way females are allowed to do: talking intimately, expressing emotion, showing interest in the nuances of interpersonal relationships, revealing deeper thoughts and feelings. I am reminded that most heterosexual males are able to do this only with their girlfriends or spouses, if then. Males who try to express themselves this way with other females will be suspected of having romantic intent; if with other heterosexual males, they will be found off-putting at best.
Many gender critical writings argue, "people should just express themselves however they like without needing to take on gender identities." This is a cavalier ignoring of the obvious truth that there are massive obstacles in the way of people "just expressing themselves as they like".
One parent wrote that when their boy started kindergarten, the teacher forbade him from putting on princess outfits when playing in the costume corner. "Boys may not wear princess outfits," the teacher said. This simple pronouncement was the start of this child's path toward identification as a girl. It is easy to criticize this parent's choices. "Can't it suffice for this boy to enjoy wearing princess costumes at home?" "The parents should have made the school change its policy!" But reading the detailed accounts of these parents' journeys made it clear to me that this is incredibly complex territory to navigate, and largely because of the strength of society's demands. I wish I had the time and energy to recount some of these journeys. They are compelling, and I urge you to read about them yourselves in Trans Kids: Being Gendered in the Twenty-First Century.
I don't have space or time to comment on norms for females, though there is certainly just as much to say about them.
If I had a magic wand, I would redirect all the energy of those in the trans rights movement, and all the energy of their critics, toward a vigorous common fight against male and female societal norms.
