Inner child work

I've been reading from The Emotionally Absent Mother. The author suggests that it's quite powerful to identify one or more personalities representing various child states. One can then dialog with these personalities or allow them to express themselves via writing, art, movement, etc. Eventually these personalities become well integrated with the adult personality.

So lately I've been thinking of the sensations that I feel in my right torso and throat as an inner child personality. I imagine her to be infant/toddler age. Both Saturday and Sunday I spent about an hour paying attention to this inner child. I again was fascinated by the repetitive message that came up: this is a waste of time, you'd better go get something done, this is dangerous, you don't know what you're doing. And fascinated by how powerful these messages are. Because even though it's clear that there is nothing else that I need to do, and that this isn't really dangerous, I still feel a continuous, strong pull to quit.

Indeed, when I stick with this work, the sensations that develop feel quite unfamiliar and frightening. I don't know where they will lead. Fantasies arise regarding familiar, comforting activities such as eating and work. But both days, after some time, the sensations grew to become a warm, pulsing fullness in my chest. And I found some safety and confidence in that fullness. Today this safety and confidence led to my expressing anger toward my psychotherapist.

This work isn't anything entirely new to me. It's really just an extension of the inner work I've been doing all along.

Since one year ago, when I emerged from 2 months at the Forest Refuge, I've found myself more and more able to allow my mammalian reactions to perceived threats. I didn't really even realize I had these reactions before. I find that when I'm sitting in bed meditating, every time Eric stirs in bed next to me, my body wants to spring into defense by rapidly turning toward him and raising my fists or putting my hands out to block any possible approach. I notice the sound of his movement before I notice the physical reaction--curious! More specifically, I notice the sound, then I notice the thought, "I know I'm about to react physically to this", then there is the reaction and my noticing of it. I am very fortunate that Eric doesn't take this personally and that it disturbs him only slightly.

I noticed many years ago that when I am lying on my back in the presence of another person, I very often lose the ability to know what I want. I feel very passive. I'm in a state of submission. If I am asked what I want, I will not be able to come up with an answer, although I'm quite aware that I'm not comfortable. This happens during psychotherapy, on the massage table, and during sex. I shared this with Eric early in our relationship. Since then, we've had a running joke where Eric might say, "Why don't you lie on your back so that I can ask you what you want?" Until recently I enjoyed this joke; to me it meant that he understood me. But recently he said this, and it infuriated me. I said, "To my inner child, it feels as though you are joking about my having been raped." (To clarify for readers: it does not seem that I have ever been raped, but it seems likely that I was in some way used or abused physically. Or at least grossly disregarded.) It seems like a good thing that I was infuriated.