A subtle shadow side of the inner work I have been doing:
I have become highly sensitive to my own reactions. For example: years ago, when Eric would get into bed with me, I would unconsciously and habitually use various physical and mental actions to shield myself from the underlying reaction of terror. I am not sure what those actions were, but perhaps something like this: I might tense my body, compulsively reach my arms out to Eric, remind myself that Eric is not a threat, review my beliefs that I must act loving and receptive in order to survive, initiate conversation to distract myself. I did not realize I had an underlying reaction of terror and I did not realize that my actions were designed to shield me.
Now I don't do any of those shielding actions. Instead, I feel terror. And don't know what to do about it. This is something that Eric has had to adapt to.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Craving
I haven't written in nearly a month. This saddens me, because I had the urge to write many times, and I long to have been able to record the many interesting things I was thinking and experiencing. I long for a life where I have the time and energy to do this. I mostly love to write; I do not have to push myself very hard to do so. Except that in my small amount of unoccupied time I generally feel fatigued; I choose to rest or recreate rather than write.
Starting with my second arrival in Italy on September 3, three weeks ago, I have been aware of craving as a distinct experience. Most clearly aware when meditating, but also sometimes during other activities. I see more clearly than before how most of my actions are motivated by a desire to satisfy craving. The craving compels me to search for something to do, some pleasant sensation to acquire, some problem to solve, and keeps my mind busy. And then, it very much keeps my body busy, as I work to do/acquire/solve: clean the kitchen, interact with Eric, get work done at ISB, consume more Facebook newsfeed.
I continue to do formal meditation 30-90 minutes per day, and did so while in Italy, usually in small chunks. Often we would sit in a church for 20-40 minutes; I would sit until I got sleepy or until Zarina was ready to leave. I would also often sit in the middle of the night; I rarely if ever slept entirely through the night.
I have become more and more concerned about joint pain. It is slowly getting worse. Shortly before this second trip to Italy, my hands began to hurt, and they hurt more now. Also, my feet hurt after even a short amount of rest. It seems likely that I am developing a debilitating condition such as rheumatoid arthritis. As I perhaps wrote earlier, I see that while I am very afraid of becoming disabled, my mind is also drawn to the idea that I have a definable condition, because it seems that it might bring me the sympathy and support that I long for. I know this is incorrect; I had the same notion about Paul's suicide, and although I did receive a lot of sympathy and support immediately afterward, it certainly didn't bring me a lifetime of it. This is partly due to my refusal to ask for and accept support.
I am also very much more easily fatigued than I used to be. Perhaps this began with my oophorectomy at the end of last year. I have been very wiped out by jet lag after three of the four transatlantic flights I took this summer.
Starting with my second arrival in Italy on September 3, three weeks ago, I have been aware of craving as a distinct experience. Most clearly aware when meditating, but also sometimes during other activities. I see more clearly than before how most of my actions are motivated by a desire to satisfy craving. The craving compels me to search for something to do, some pleasant sensation to acquire, some problem to solve, and keeps my mind busy. And then, it very much keeps my body busy, as I work to do/acquire/solve: clean the kitchen, interact with Eric, get work done at ISB, consume more Facebook newsfeed.
I continue to do formal meditation 30-90 minutes per day, and did so while in Italy, usually in small chunks. Often we would sit in a church for 20-40 minutes; I would sit until I got sleepy or until Zarina was ready to leave. I would also often sit in the middle of the night; I rarely if ever slept entirely through the night.
I have become more and more concerned about joint pain. It is slowly getting worse. Shortly before this second trip to Italy, my hands began to hurt, and they hurt more now. Also, my feet hurt after even a short amount of rest. It seems likely that I am developing a debilitating condition such as rheumatoid arthritis. As I perhaps wrote earlier, I see that while I am very afraid of becoming disabled, my mind is also drawn to the idea that I have a definable condition, because it seems that it might bring me the sympathy and support that I long for. I know this is incorrect; I had the same notion about Paul's suicide, and although I did receive a lot of sympathy and support immediately afterward, it certainly didn't bring me a lifetime of it. This is partly due to my refusal to ask for and accept support.
I am also very much more easily fatigued than I used to be. Perhaps this began with my oophorectomy at the end of last year. I have been very wiped out by jet lag after three of the four transatlantic flights I took this summer.
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