9:44 a.m. Feeling loads of bodily pleasure, very similar to what I can feel with anapanasati (samatha) meditation. Have felt this occasionally over the past few days.
Started what will probably be my last menstrual period yesterday. Scheduled to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed on Monday -- five days from now. Will then experience surgical menopause as my body abruptly withdraws from reproductive hormones. Remarkably, although I've been in perimenopause for about seven years (evidenced by my menstrual periods becoming more and more irregular), I've not read any books on menopause, and have only asked a few friends about it. Ordered some books from the library today.
Very interesting but hard to describe experience in recent weeks:
First, the background. Often throughout my adult life I've noticed my body being tense or hunched over, and feel desperate to straighten it out. Panicky. If I try to gently relax, rather than abruptly correct the hunch, I feel even more panicky, with thoughts such as, "this will not work."
Lately I've been noticing and encouraging the thoughts, and seeing that I can indeed relax out of the hunch. The thoughts appear to be irrelevant to my actual experience.
Today when running to/from stairs with Sue, I similarly verbalized my discomfort around running. I've been working on this for months/years so this is an incremental success, but--the thoughts were like this: "This is impossible" "I've tried this before, it doesn't work" "Don't even try" "You can't do this". Then, when I noticed that I could do it (I could relax and feel more physically at ease during running) -- "No! You mean, it's this simple? It's this easy? I've been suffering needlessly most of my life? No! No!" and "If I let go of this [anxiety], there is nothing. Void! I must hold onto it, I can't lose this!!!" And, "So I've been wrong my whole life? I can't let that be!" "This is recovery? This is what recovery looks like? It is nothing like I imagined. It is amazing and terrible."
Have been relaxing similarly around my work. Noticing thoughts, "I can't do this! I can't show how stupid I am! I must produce!" and letting them be, to the side, while I calmly (from the left side) proceed.
Really amazing.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Log 11/25/13
Very enjoyable morning: great session with Trip, tea and bagel in Maple Leaf (with attendant caffeine buzz), amazing physical therapy session with Betsy.
With Trip: talked about recent upsets related to speaking out & being called out for it. Quite intimate.
With Betsy: My current issue was a dull ache, on and off, in my right pelvis the past 5 or so days. Didn't think she'd be able to address this, since she usually works on muscles & skeletal system. Serendipitously, she had just taken a class on working with internal organs. She spent the entire session working with my small intestine, stomach, and liver. For quite some time, she massaged my spot, the spot in my lower right abdomen where I hold old trauma, the spot I once called Julia's Fire. She massaged it in just the way it wanted to be massaged; clearly she was in touch with it, more than any previous practitioner of any ilk had been. A very intimate and completely pleasurable experience. I'd told her about that spot years ago but she had completely forgotten about it, at least consciously. She rediscovered it simply through touch.
Now: Have been vaguely intending to break the habit of pushing myself at work after the point where a task has become effortful. I really hate the pushing and the resulting sense of depletion, but haven't been at all sure there is an alternative. Just now--with the aid of caffeine--noticed the moment when my current task became effortful. Realized within minutes, perhaps less than a minute, that I'd reached a place of stuckness that was likely to unstick itself if I just let the task rest for a while. Possibly minutes or hours, but for sure, waiting until morning would do the trick. With the aid of caffeine, had the confidence to let go of the task and move to another task well before I got into a negative thought cycle.
With Trip: talked about recent upsets related to speaking out & being called out for it. Quite intimate.
With Betsy: My current issue was a dull ache, on and off, in my right pelvis the past 5 or so days. Didn't think she'd be able to address this, since she usually works on muscles & skeletal system. Serendipitously, she had just taken a class on working with internal organs. She spent the entire session working with my small intestine, stomach, and liver. For quite some time, she massaged my spot, the spot in my lower right abdomen where I hold old trauma, the spot I once called Julia's Fire. She massaged it in just the way it wanted to be massaged; clearly she was in touch with it, more than any previous practitioner of any ilk had been. A very intimate and completely pleasurable experience. I'd told her about that spot years ago but she had completely forgotten about it, at least consciously. She rediscovered it simply through touch.
Now: Have been vaguely intending to break the habit of pushing myself at work after the point where a task has become effortful. I really hate the pushing and the resulting sense of depletion, but haven't been at all sure there is an alternative. Just now--with the aid of caffeine--noticed the moment when my current task became effortful. Realized within minutes, perhaps less than a minute, that I'd reached a place of stuckness that was likely to unstick itself if I just let the task rest for a while. Possibly minutes or hours, but for sure, waiting until morning would do the trick. With the aid of caffeine, had the confidence to let go of the task and move to another task well before I got into a negative thought cycle.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Log 10/12/13
11:22 a.m. Millbrae Library
Just spent 30 minutes reviewing previous blog entries. My present moment experience: suppression of breathing. Feel "bad" about myself: reading my own blog entries was bad and wrong. (I typically feel bad when I've spent any time reading my own journalings.) Lost, don't know what to do. I have a million things I should be doing and I'll be lucky if I do 1 or 2 of them in the 5 hours I have here. Still not breathing. Feeling bad about feeling bad. Tension in jaw. Aversion toward the not breathing. I will adjust my posture now. Yes, I hate this feeling in my chest of not breathing ... though I'm breathing a little more freely now. Pleasure in a yawning, quivering feeling in the back of my right throat, mouth, jaw. No! It's dangerous to feel pleasure; it means I won't get stuff done. Tension in abdomen. In jaw. Hearing (conversation behind me), anger, fear about being angry. Hearing, anger, fear. Hearing a baby say "Mama": pleasure. I don't know what to do and there are a million things I should be doing! Tension, aversion. Mommy, hug me! What I am doing this moment must be wrong. Craving from the right abdomen. Hearing, sadness. Hands resting on the keyboard (am I getting carpal tunnel?). This can't be the right activity: I feel bad! <Pause to feel without typing>
12:12
Just spent 45 minutes feeling. I sat in a reading chair and put my backpack in my lap for support. I felt the craving, the dissatisfaction. About halfway through, I dropped into a state of calm. I noticed the immediate urge to get back to my previous state. Is this because I identify with it? I stayed with the calm. As the 45 minutes progressed, I drifted more and more deeply into a state of quasi-sleep.
Spent 15 minutes on Facebook, including reading an article, "Forty F'd up things about being 40". This was so I could feel good about being 53.
Now, torn between doing ISB work (would feel good to get this certain thing off my plate) and thinking/writing about my heart's desires. How about some of each.
12:55 Edited my code in R; am waiting for a test run to complete. (Seems I have no syntax errors on first try!) Looking at my feelings ... I feel slightly queasy in the back of the throat, "bad". Tension in jaw.
2:00 Still waiting. So I guess this still takes over an hour to run, even though I just now cut its work in half.
So much has been happening in my life lately ... many thoughts, many experiences, little writing. I indeed have time to write, but not so much inclination. Clearly, something is changing, happening, in my personal experience ... vague feelings I've had most of my life seem to be coming into focus ... and within my psychotherapist's framework, this is considered an experiencing of trauma stored in the body. I wonder how this will be viewed 100 years from now ... 1000 years from now. Worldviews are continuously changing. The common psychiatric diagnoses of 100 years ago pretty much do not exist anymore ...
Wonder why it is so hard to write, given that I normally love to write, to pour my thoughts and feelings onto the page. Perhaps it is because when I am experiencing these so-called somatic memories, these body sensations that are supposedly related to early trauma, I am in a non-verbal state.
Lately when I do inner work and attend to my feelings, and give voice to them, I feel strongly that someone is attacking me from the right. I want to defend myself, but I also don't want to, because it brings up intense feelings of powerlessness and humiliation, a sense of "what's the use?" I feel as though, wherever I strike, the attacker will keep moving behind me ... I have to keep turning to the right. As I do this, a sense arises that something has been thrust into my mouth, is pressing against the back of my throat, causing a gag reflex. I always thought that, once I experienced something like this, I'd somehow quickly push through it ... then maybe feel hot and sweaty, maybe cry a lot ... but essentially I'd be over it and wouldn't find these sensations and impressions uncomfortable anymore. But what has actually happened is that these sensations/impressions have become my constant companions. Usually, after spending a period of time (typically 10-90 minutes) focusing on them, I feel clearer, refreshed. But sometimes (like today) I don't.
Part of me wants to conclude that some adult relative orally raped me, because I want someone to blame, I want a coherent story that I can tell people. But, in fact, such a conclusion wouldn't help, I think. My feelings of hatred toward my adult relatives extend to nearly all of my adult relatives, and it's impossible that all of them did something like this. And I can't imagine any good arising from confronting any alleged perpetrator, or even of telling anyone in the family about such an event.
So many more thoughts on this subject, but such a lack of interest in writing. I have 90 minutes to myself. I will go outside in the sun.
Just spent 30 minutes reviewing previous blog entries. My present moment experience: suppression of breathing. Feel "bad" about myself: reading my own blog entries was bad and wrong. (I typically feel bad when I've spent any time reading my own journalings.) Lost, don't know what to do. I have a million things I should be doing and I'll be lucky if I do 1 or 2 of them in the 5 hours I have here. Still not breathing. Feeling bad about feeling bad. Tension in jaw. Aversion toward the not breathing. I will adjust my posture now. Yes, I hate this feeling in my chest of not breathing ... though I'm breathing a little more freely now. Pleasure in a yawning, quivering feeling in the back of my right throat, mouth, jaw. No! It's dangerous to feel pleasure; it means I won't get stuff done. Tension in abdomen. In jaw. Hearing (conversation behind me), anger, fear about being angry. Hearing, anger, fear. Hearing a baby say "Mama": pleasure. I don't know what to do and there are a million things I should be doing! Tension, aversion. Mommy, hug me! What I am doing this moment must be wrong. Craving from the right abdomen. Hearing, sadness. Hands resting on the keyboard (am I getting carpal tunnel?). This can't be the right activity: I feel bad! <Pause to feel without typing>
12:12
Just spent 45 minutes feeling. I sat in a reading chair and put my backpack in my lap for support. I felt the craving, the dissatisfaction. About halfway through, I dropped into a state of calm. I noticed the immediate urge to get back to my previous state. Is this because I identify with it? I stayed with the calm. As the 45 minutes progressed, I drifted more and more deeply into a state of quasi-sleep.
Spent 15 minutes on Facebook, including reading an article, "Forty F'd up things about being 40". This was so I could feel good about being 53.
Now, torn between doing ISB work (would feel good to get this certain thing off my plate) and thinking/writing about my heart's desires. How about some of each.
12:55 Edited my code in R; am waiting for a test run to complete. (Seems I have no syntax errors on first try!) Looking at my feelings ... I feel slightly queasy in the back of the throat, "bad". Tension in jaw.
2:00 Still waiting. So I guess this still takes over an hour to run, even though I just now cut its work in half.
So much has been happening in my life lately ... many thoughts, many experiences, little writing. I indeed have time to write, but not so much inclination. Clearly, something is changing, happening, in my personal experience ... vague feelings I've had most of my life seem to be coming into focus ... and within my psychotherapist's framework, this is considered an experiencing of trauma stored in the body. I wonder how this will be viewed 100 years from now ... 1000 years from now. Worldviews are continuously changing. The common psychiatric diagnoses of 100 years ago pretty much do not exist anymore ...
Wonder why it is so hard to write, given that I normally love to write, to pour my thoughts and feelings onto the page. Perhaps it is because when I am experiencing these so-called somatic memories, these body sensations that are supposedly related to early trauma, I am in a non-verbal state.
Lately when I do inner work and attend to my feelings, and give voice to them, I feel strongly that someone is attacking me from the right. I want to defend myself, but I also don't want to, because it brings up intense feelings of powerlessness and humiliation, a sense of "what's the use?" I feel as though, wherever I strike, the attacker will keep moving behind me ... I have to keep turning to the right. As I do this, a sense arises that something has been thrust into my mouth, is pressing against the back of my throat, causing a gag reflex. I always thought that, once I experienced something like this, I'd somehow quickly push through it ... then maybe feel hot and sweaty, maybe cry a lot ... but essentially I'd be over it and wouldn't find these sensations and impressions uncomfortable anymore. But what has actually happened is that these sensations/impressions have become my constant companions. Usually, after spending a period of time (typically 10-90 minutes) focusing on them, I feel clearer, refreshed. But sometimes (like today) I don't.
Part of me wants to conclude that some adult relative orally raped me, because I want someone to blame, I want a coherent story that I can tell people. But, in fact, such a conclusion wouldn't help, I think. My feelings of hatred toward my adult relatives extend to nearly all of my adult relatives, and it's impossible that all of them did something like this. And I can't imagine any good arising from confronting any alleged perpetrator, or even of telling anyone in the family about such an event.
So many more thoughts on this subject, but such a lack of interest in writing. I have 90 minutes to myself. I will go outside in the sun.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
I resist repeating an action I previously found enjoyable and beneficial.
This morning, after getting out of bed, I noticed a hunched over feeling, and it occurred to me to stretch by doing a very gentle backbend.
I had tried this a week or two ago as an alternative to lying with a roll under my back. The latter is a passive stretch that feels good but which I resist because it requires me to get on the ground and to have a prop. When I first tried the very gentle backbend, I had doubts that it would have as strong and enjoyable an effect. I was very gentle, stretching slowly, first upward, then slightly back, pressing my hands very gently on a bar in front of me. I found, to my surprise and delight, that it did give as good an effect. On top of that, it was wonderful that such a good, immediate physical effect could come from something so gentle and mindful. In a sense it felt better than when using the back roll, because the back roll is a little forceful and brings up emotional resistance.
Since then, it's occurred to me to try such a backbend again. But the first thought that comes to my mind is, "this is not going to work". Even though it had worked very well! I have the notion that anything I try that works very well for me cannot be repeated to the same good effect. I've noticed this notion before. It's so peculiar that it's hard to believe my mind actually works this way. As I write about it now, I feel bad. The words that come to mind are, "I'm so dumb. Stupid. I'm going to kill that guy standing in front of me to my right. I will never survive if I keep operating on this notion. But this notion is heavy, it's smothering me. And I can't live without it. Don't tell me what to do! Nothing can ever get better!"
So today I decided to do the gentle backbend while giving voice to the emotional resistance as it arose. The voice said, "no! no! no no no! I'm not going to do it again! I'm not going to do it again! You can't make me do it!"
Apparently, the repetition of something beneficial is re-traumatizing for me.
It seems that this discovery should feel very liberating. If only I can be mindful of this re-traumatization--if only I can give voice to the resistance and anger--I can be free to repeat things I've found beneficial! This could have a very dramatic effect on my life! Yet, I feel no such delight. I continue to feel down. Let me give voice to this down feeling:
"Don't make me. Don't tell me things will get better. They won't! It's one of your evil tricks. I want things to stay exactly the same! I'm going to punch you. I'm going to kick you in the balls. Don't tempt me with images of happiness and light. That is not for me. Happiness and light are dangerous, they don't feel good for me. I cannot have them. It is not safe to go there. I will be smashed."
Hmmm. Heavy stuff.
What are some beneficial things that I've not repeated? Taking supplements. Exercising. Speaking out. Being kind. Growing a vegetable garden. Playing marimba. Releasing the tension in my hamstrings. Taking the Body Electric workshop and the Model Mugging workshop. Meditating for 90 minutes each morning. Going on meditation retreat. Yoga class. Practicing mindfulness throughout the work day. Hiking. Running. Dancing. Having sex. Going to Tuesday night meditation gatherings. Tidying the front yard. Drilling holes in the lathe/plaster walls, in order to hang pictures. Taking naps in the middle of the work day. Orienteering. Improvisational dance. Journaling. Writing memoir.
Reflecting on one of the above: releasing the tension in my hamstrings. This is something I discovered 3 years ago when reading The Anatomy of Hatha Yoga, something I was so delighted to learn to do, something I hadn't thought possible. It allowed me to go more deeply into many asanas. When I first learned it, I was elated. I felt powerful and competent. Now, when I think of doing it, I think, "it won't work. Don't try it." In fact, upon trying it again, I found that it didn't work as well. But it also seemed that I wasn't doing it as mindfully, as sincerely--that I was just going through the motions in order to get to the end and say, "It doesn't work." I "proved" to myself that it doesn't work.
I will try again now.
<later> It did work. I was able to stretch the hamstrings to the point of being able to touch my toes. Three years ago I was able to put my fingers under my toes (about another 1.5" of downward reach). Yes, there was a ton of mental resistance of the sort I wrote about.
I had tried this a week or two ago as an alternative to lying with a roll under my back. The latter is a passive stretch that feels good but which I resist because it requires me to get on the ground and to have a prop. When I first tried the very gentle backbend, I had doubts that it would have as strong and enjoyable an effect. I was very gentle, stretching slowly, first upward, then slightly back, pressing my hands very gently on a bar in front of me. I found, to my surprise and delight, that it did give as good an effect. On top of that, it was wonderful that such a good, immediate physical effect could come from something so gentle and mindful. In a sense it felt better than when using the back roll, because the back roll is a little forceful and brings up emotional resistance.
Since then, it's occurred to me to try such a backbend again. But the first thought that comes to my mind is, "this is not going to work". Even though it had worked very well! I have the notion that anything I try that works very well for me cannot be repeated to the same good effect. I've noticed this notion before. It's so peculiar that it's hard to believe my mind actually works this way. As I write about it now, I feel bad. The words that come to mind are, "I'm so dumb. Stupid. I'm going to kill that guy standing in front of me to my right. I will never survive if I keep operating on this notion. But this notion is heavy, it's smothering me. And I can't live without it. Don't tell me what to do! Nothing can ever get better!"
So today I decided to do the gentle backbend while giving voice to the emotional resistance as it arose. The voice said, "no! no! no no no! I'm not going to do it again! I'm not going to do it again! You can't make me do it!"
Apparently, the repetition of something beneficial is re-traumatizing for me.
It seems that this discovery should feel very liberating. If only I can be mindful of this re-traumatization--if only I can give voice to the resistance and anger--I can be free to repeat things I've found beneficial! This could have a very dramatic effect on my life! Yet, I feel no such delight. I continue to feel down. Let me give voice to this down feeling:
"Don't make me. Don't tell me things will get better. They won't! It's one of your evil tricks. I want things to stay exactly the same! I'm going to punch you. I'm going to kick you in the balls. Don't tempt me with images of happiness and light. That is not for me. Happiness and light are dangerous, they don't feel good for me. I cannot have them. It is not safe to go there. I will be smashed."
Hmmm. Heavy stuff.
What are some beneficial things that I've not repeated? Taking supplements. Exercising. Speaking out. Being kind. Growing a vegetable garden. Playing marimba. Releasing the tension in my hamstrings. Taking the Body Electric workshop and the Model Mugging workshop. Meditating for 90 minutes each morning. Going on meditation retreat. Yoga class. Practicing mindfulness throughout the work day. Hiking. Running. Dancing. Having sex. Going to Tuesday night meditation gatherings. Tidying the front yard. Drilling holes in the lathe/plaster walls, in order to hang pictures. Taking naps in the middle of the work day. Orienteering. Improvisational dance. Journaling. Writing memoir.
Reflecting on one of the above: releasing the tension in my hamstrings. This is something I discovered 3 years ago when reading The Anatomy of Hatha Yoga, something I was so delighted to learn to do, something I hadn't thought possible. It allowed me to go more deeply into many asanas. When I first learned it, I was elated. I felt powerful and competent. Now, when I think of doing it, I think, "it won't work. Don't try it." In fact, upon trying it again, I found that it didn't work as well. But it also seemed that I wasn't doing it as mindfully, as sincerely--that I was just going through the motions in order to get to the end and say, "It doesn't work." I "proved" to myself that it doesn't work.
I will try again now.
<later> It did work. I was able to stretch the hamstrings to the point of being able to touch my toes. Three years ago I was able to put my fingers under my toes (about another 1.5" of downward reach). Yes, there was a ton of mental resistance of the sort I wrote about.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Discomfort about creating and giving something substantial
09/10/11 9 a.m. Just pressed "send" on a manuscript I've been working on long and hard. Sent to ED, a co-author, for him to work on during his travels. I noticed that as soon as I pressed "send", I wished to distract myself. I chose instead to rest with the notion that I had just sent off something rich and full and of my self. This was uncomfortable to ponder, and now, minutes later, it still feels uncomfortable. What do I feel?
As I think of what I created and sent off, I feel a fullness of being, a swelling and surging within my right throat, arm, and abdomen. I also feel an anxiety, a tensing of the jaw. What if I relax that? A tingling in the jaw, as though it is coming to life; a deep intake of the breath. Deep, tingling pleasure in the jaw. Thoughts: "I shouldn't be doing this! I should be doing something else!" I persevere despite the thoughts. A slight sadness, then a sense of my attacker approaching from the upper right. I stare at him and tell him he cannot hurt me anymore. I feel an urge to action in my torso and arms. I sense that, by giving out a part of my self, I have opened a can of worms that will require me to deal with a diversity of challenging feedback. I see this as small projectiles coming at me, from in front of me, from many directions, one immediately after the other. I hear it as a voice that, like the teacher in the Peanuts animations, is speaking gibberish, but in a harsh, berating tone. The voice is constant; it doesn't let up.
As I think of what I created and sent off, I feel a fullness of being, a swelling and surging within my right throat, arm, and abdomen. I also feel an anxiety, a tensing of the jaw. What if I relax that? A tingling in the jaw, as though it is coming to life; a deep intake of the breath. Deep, tingling pleasure in the jaw. Thoughts: "I shouldn't be doing this! I should be doing something else!" I persevere despite the thoughts. A slight sadness, then a sense of my attacker approaching from the upper right. I stare at him and tell him he cannot hurt me anymore. I feel an urge to action in my torso and arms. I sense that, by giving out a part of my self, I have opened a can of worms that will require me to deal with a diversity of challenging feedback. I see this as small projectiles coming at me, from in front of me, from many directions, one immediately after the other. I hear it as a voice that, like the teacher in the Peanuts animations, is speaking gibberish, but in a harsh, berating tone. The voice is constant; it doesn't let up.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Log 08/22/13
9:33 a.m. Arrived at work 25 minutes ago. Tidied desk, put lunch in fridge, relaxed over a back roll on the floor, processed email, and read about the Paleo diet (our CSA now offers Paleo shares, presumably omitting potatoes and legumes).
Have felt angry since yesterday 4pm, when Eric and I shared a meal and I fixated on the unpleasant fact that Eric had just arrived for the workday and would leave shortly to go to an event at Z's workplace. Eric is supposedly here at ISB to develop a new career, but it appears to me that he has been spending fewer and fewer hours here, and lots of time doing recreational things.
As I wrote the previous paragraph, I once again became fixated on this topic. I wrote and rewrote an additional sentence describing Eric's activities, then deleted it.
My best guess is that this anger is a manifestation of my continued awakening. Yesterday morning I had a session with my psychotherapist, T, during which I stayed quite connected to my experience, including feelings of anger. As the weeks go by, I am increasingly aware of the finer details of my experience, and increasingly able to let go -- to notice when I am about to grasp, and to then choose not to. This makes life ordinary and amazing at the same time. Ordinary, in that the external details of my life are quite ordinary, and I face many ordinary challenges on both the macro and micro levels, and I continue to worry, feel frustrated, and suffer. Amazing, in that I am coming closer and closer in contact with what is actually happening, and each new step is immensely fascinating and satisfying. Every week or two, I hear, read, or remember something that helps, that I am ready to hear. Lately I have been finding a new freedom from identification with thought. It's more possible for me to observe and let go of thoughts, to not believe them. And a new ability to recognize when the ego is creating thought to defend itself, and an awareness of how effortful and painful that is--but, simultaneously, a knowledge that I can't stop it, that the skillful thing to do is to just observe it.
Now I am struggling with how to approach my work day. I have 6.5 hours until I need to leave. I have a manuscript to re-organize. This is something I'd typically enjoy, and I can imagine enjoying it. Looking inside right now, I see ...
shame about my anger toward Eric; a sense that I must rectify the situation
sadness about the above
tiredness
happiness; recognition that I am safe and comfortable in this moment
sadness, sleepiness
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to help myself
I really want to make progress on this manuscript so that I can be perfect and finally rest
10:27 Still haven't worked on manuscript. I feel embarrassed about this and want to pretend it hasn't happened. I spent about 15 minutes writing the above, then another half hour listing ideas for increasing workplace wellness at ISB and sending to two co-workers.
Have felt angry since yesterday 4pm, when Eric and I shared a meal and I fixated on the unpleasant fact that Eric had just arrived for the workday and would leave shortly to go to an event at Z's workplace. Eric is supposedly here at ISB to develop a new career, but it appears to me that he has been spending fewer and fewer hours here, and lots of time doing recreational things.
As I wrote the previous paragraph, I once again became fixated on this topic. I wrote and rewrote an additional sentence describing Eric's activities, then deleted it.
My best guess is that this anger is a manifestation of my continued awakening. Yesterday morning I had a session with my psychotherapist, T, during which I stayed quite connected to my experience, including feelings of anger. As the weeks go by, I am increasingly aware of the finer details of my experience, and increasingly able to let go -- to notice when I am about to grasp, and to then choose not to. This makes life ordinary and amazing at the same time. Ordinary, in that the external details of my life are quite ordinary, and I face many ordinary challenges on both the macro and micro levels, and I continue to worry, feel frustrated, and suffer. Amazing, in that I am coming closer and closer in contact with what is actually happening, and each new step is immensely fascinating and satisfying. Every week or two, I hear, read, or remember something that helps, that I am ready to hear. Lately I have been finding a new freedom from identification with thought. It's more possible for me to observe and let go of thoughts, to not believe them. And a new ability to recognize when the ego is creating thought to defend itself, and an awareness of how effortful and painful that is--but, simultaneously, a knowledge that I can't stop it, that the skillful thing to do is to just observe it.
Now I am struggling with how to approach my work day. I have 6.5 hours until I need to leave. I have a manuscript to re-organize. This is something I'd typically enjoy, and I can imagine enjoying it. Looking inside right now, I see ...
shame about my anger toward Eric; a sense that I must rectify the situation
sadness about the above
tiredness
happiness; recognition that I am safe and comfortable in this moment
sadness, sleepiness
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to help myself
I really want to make progress on this manuscript so that I can be perfect and finally rest
10:27 Still haven't worked on manuscript. I feel embarrassed about this and want to pretend it hasn't happened. I spent about 15 minutes writing the above, then another half hour listing ideas for increasing workplace wellness at ISB and sending to two co-workers.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Log 08/14/13
9:47 a.m. My intention for the day is to check in with myself frequently, to focus on things other than my primary project, to walk around a lot. This could be a Wednesday routine. Right now I feel sad and sleepy ... afraid there isn't enough time to take care of everything I need to do to keep myself safe.
1:04 pm Feeling neutral. That's a new one! Pulsing, slight sleepiness, hearing ... am comfortable in my body.
2:03 pm Feeling same "neutral" sense, yet caught up in a drive to do stuff on my computer: research workplace wellness, clear skype requests, check email.
4:19 pm Workday is nearly over. I talked to Rusti, talked to Hsiao-Ching, talked to Melissa, talked to Kerry, researched workplace wellness, researched treadmill desks, meditated, talked to Julie, ordered medical records, talked to Zhi and Joe, talked to Theresa, tried to talk to Rob, talked to Eric on the phone. I didn't do any work on my actual projects. I feel more at ease than I almost ever do at the end of the workday!
1:04 pm Feeling neutral. That's a new one! Pulsing, slight sleepiness, hearing ... am comfortable in my body.
2:03 pm Feeling same "neutral" sense, yet caught up in a drive to do stuff on my computer: research workplace wellness, clear skype requests, check email.
4:19 pm Workday is nearly over. I talked to Rusti, talked to Hsiao-Ching, talked to Melissa, talked to Kerry, researched workplace wellness, researched treadmill desks, meditated, talked to Julie, ordered medical records, talked to Zhi and Joe, talked to Theresa, tried to talk to Rob, talked to Eric on the phone. I didn't do any work on my actual projects. I feel more at ease than I almost ever do at the end of the workday!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Log 08/06/13
8 am: Last night Eric returned from a week in Columbia (competing in orienteering at the World Games). At bedtime we re-enacted a drama that we are very prone to re-enact at bedtime -- it comes up maybe half the time. This time, right afterward, we approached each other and spoke about our thoughts and feelings in a non-accusatory way for the first time. It was very nice. During the morning's session with Trip, I went more deeply into a memory of telling an adult standing in my doorway, "I am not going to do what you say." I felt proud to be big enough to say that. I saw echoes of this long-ago experience in my experience last night ("I'm going to go to bed when I want to; I'm not going to do what you want; it's OK for me to do what I want and to have my own space") and this allowed me to have more objectivity about it.
This morning on my way to work I made a commitment to (a) not indulge thoughts that I am not a worthy employee, not an effective worker, not a good scientist, etc., and (b) to repeatedly consider, throughout the day, the notion that I am a worthy employee, an effective worker, and a good scientist. Just a minute of this practice brings up anger, sadness, sleepiness, nausea, and fear with adrenalin, a sense of the heart pounding, and suppressed breathing. I want to either fight, or retreat in defeat (go home or go to sleep).
5:30 pm: Eric wants me to go with him this evening to both the Canlis card giveaway gathering and our block party. I resisted, thinking, "there is no time for me," even though, as Eric pointed out, doing this sort of thing together with him is exactly the kind of thing I really enjoy doing. I told him that I don't like to pack my evenings full.
I reflected on the feeling of resistance. Behind it is this thought: "Other people always want me to do things that take me away from me. If I don't say no a lot of the time, I am never going to have time to be kind to myself. It is essential to say no a lot of the time, otherwise people will take all my time away from me."
And behind that is the assumption that every single person on the planet is in a battle with me: they want whatever goodies I have, they are indifferent to what will actually benefit me, and they will work hard to persuade me to give them my goodies (i.e. my time).
This morning on my way to work I made a commitment to (a) not indulge thoughts that I am not a worthy employee, not an effective worker, not a good scientist, etc., and (b) to repeatedly consider, throughout the day, the notion that I am a worthy employee, an effective worker, and a good scientist. Just a minute of this practice brings up anger, sadness, sleepiness, nausea, and fear with adrenalin, a sense of the heart pounding, and suppressed breathing. I want to either fight, or retreat in defeat (go home or go to sleep).
5:30 pm: Eric wants me to go with him this evening to both the Canlis card giveaway gathering and our block party. I resisted, thinking, "there is no time for me," even though, as Eric pointed out, doing this sort of thing together with him is exactly the kind of thing I really enjoy doing. I told him that I don't like to pack my evenings full.
I reflected on the feeling of resistance. Behind it is this thought: "Other people always want me to do things that take me away from me. If I don't say no a lot of the time, I am never going to have time to be kind to myself. It is essential to say no a lot of the time, otherwise people will take all my time away from me."
And behind that is the assumption that every single person on the planet is in a battle with me: they want whatever goodies I have, they are indifferent to what will actually benefit me, and they will work hard to persuade me to give them my goodies (i.e. my time).
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Log 08/03/13
I'd been feeling like my spiritual development had stalled (for just maybe a couple weeks). Was feeling a lot of stress, was not comfortable doing inner child / trauma recovery work. Last couple of days returned to noting as my primary practice. Yesterday was reading Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" offering advice to those who have had a taste of enlightenment but are not fully enlightened. Felt it wasn't really speaking to me, that whatever he considered a taste of enlightenment, I didn't have. But I think something he wrote did speak to some part of me, a part of me that responded in the middle of the night last night. I awoke and felt some kind of discomfort, some very usual common discomfort. I noticed that I was about to respond with a habitual pushing away, a habitual clinging to how I thought things ought to be: I ought to be at ease, I ought to be sleeping. And then I remembered Adyashanti and I flowed with what was. And I did this over and over again for a couple of hours. I was very gratified to see something new and experience a new freedom. But later I felt a bit weary; the process seemed effortful and I wished to relax. I continued with it anyway until I did happen to fall asleep. Some of what I flowed with was the energy that produces my Restless Legs Syndrome jerkiness. It seemed that there were sensations I normally resist, and that the resistance is what produces the extreme discomfort and jerkiness. As I went through all of this, I thought, "Aren't I special, to be moving forward like this." and "It's a good thing I'm learning this before I become old and infirm." There was a mosquito and I relaxed into being with her and allowing her to bite me. I wasn't totally OK with this, but pretty OK. After a while I was less OK. During this session I also found the long-held tensions in the right belly and jaw slowly unwinding.
Went back to sleep and awoke again around 7 or 8. Read some more Adyashanti to wake up. Noticed a resistance to his instruction to investigate any sense of division until you get to the bottom of it. Now, this is something I actually do all the time in my inner work, but reading him suggest it brought up a sense of resistance. Habit said to ignore this, but I decided to investigate it. Over about a half hour of inquiry into the feeling behind, "No! I won't do what you say," I found myself in a child state I've visited many times before, but perhaps a little deeper into it. The state seems consistent with an experience of being orally raped or molested, of being powerless to stop it, and of feeling utterly at sea with nobody coming to help me. The words "please help me" came to mind. I used a dog chew to follow urges to chew in my right jaw. I found myself gagging. After experiencing this as fully as possible for maybe 10 minutes, I shifted toward hugging myself and offering myself compassion. In the past this has felt dry. Today I noticed the inner child talking back: "Yeah, right. Don't try to comfort me. Forget it. Just go away. You're of no use. Leave me alone." Makes sense. Of course I don't know if I was ever orally raped or molested, but I do hold a powerful resistance to even considering the possibility. My mind is comfortable with "it didn't happen" and "it happens to everyone", but not with "it happened to me."
Went back to sleep and awoke again around 7 or 8. Read some more Adyashanti to wake up. Noticed a resistance to his instruction to investigate any sense of division until you get to the bottom of it. Now, this is something I actually do all the time in my inner work, but reading him suggest it brought up a sense of resistance. Habit said to ignore this, but I decided to investigate it. Over about a half hour of inquiry into the feeling behind, "No! I won't do what you say," I found myself in a child state I've visited many times before, but perhaps a little deeper into it. The state seems consistent with an experience of being orally raped or molested, of being powerless to stop it, and of feeling utterly at sea with nobody coming to help me. The words "please help me" came to mind. I used a dog chew to follow urges to chew in my right jaw. I found myself gagging. After experiencing this as fully as possible for maybe 10 minutes, I shifted toward hugging myself and offering myself compassion. In the past this has felt dry. Today I noticed the inner child talking back: "Yeah, right. Don't try to comfort me. Forget it. Just go away. You're of no use. Leave me alone." Makes sense. Of course I don't know if I was ever orally raped or molested, but I do hold a powerful resistance to even considering the possibility. My mind is comfortable with "it didn't happen" and "it happens to everyone", but not with "it happened to me."
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Log 07/30/13
1:15 pm Did 90 minutes meditation & yoga this morning after waking at 6. Bought flowers at Whole Foods & made arrangements for myself, Jasmine, and Micheleen. Spent morning organizing my desk and file cabinets. Now, beginning the afternoon refreshed. Did meditation/yoga lead to this cascade of goodness? I'd been doing little of either in recent months. What led to the meditation and yoga? A higher stress level than usual, plus a couple of unsatisfying inner work sessions.
(next day) Left work feeling good. Quite unusual.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Log 07/19/13
9:50 a.m. Staying in touch today with sense of volition, energy, interest, aliveness... not sure what best word is for it. Its constant companion is fear. And sometimes sadness and sleepiness.
10:00 a.m. Giving compassionate attention to the child that was sad. Incredulity that my psyche could be maturing. Not only incredulity--resistance. On some level, I do not want it. Why? It implies change, both on the macro level (I am becoming a different person) and on the micro level (the mature psyche allows perception of constant change). If nothing stays the same, if there is no security ... how can life be enjoyed? Noticing notion that enjoyment comes from fulfilled desires or expectations, that it cannot come from riding a constant roller coaster of unpredictable events. The notion of a constant roller coaster evokes fear, overwhelm, urge to retreat and take cover.
4:15 pm I think I've tightened around that sense of volition as I've gotten (pleasantly and productively) absorbed in some coding work.
10:00 a.m. Giving compassionate attention to the child that was sad. Incredulity that my psyche could be maturing. Not only incredulity--resistance. On some level, I do not want it. Why? It implies change, both on the macro level (I am becoming a different person) and on the micro level (the mature psyche allows perception of constant change). If nothing stays the same, if there is no security ... how can life be enjoyed? Noticing notion that enjoyment comes from fulfilled desires or expectations, that it cannot come from riding a constant roller coaster of unpredictable events. The notion of a constant roller coaster evokes fear, overwhelm, urge to retreat and take cover.
4:15 pm I think I've tightened around that sense of volition as I've gotten (pleasantly and productively) absorbed in some coding work.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Day of mindfulness 07/13/13
Today is the one year anniversary of the experience that my teachers Beth and Kenneth said was stream entry.
I had an amazing home retreat. It felt so good to have a whole day with nothing I had to do. As much time as I wanted to just be with myself. It didn't feel good a lot of the time, but I have faith that it's important for me to learn to be with myself. After watching the men's relay, I slept until 8 or 8:30. Then I meditated for about 80 minutes, then did some yoga. Then I sat on a bed in the attic, supported in front by a giant pillow, and paid as close attention as I could muster to how I felt. It required constant effort and courage. Although I've done this many times before, every week or two I seem to be facing a new layer, and each layer is as challenging as the previous. Today it seemed that I was noticing a finer granularity of experience than before. I worked against a huge force of habit: to use thinking to smooth over this granularity. Every moment I mustered courage to turn my mind away from thought and toward my direct experience. As in the past, a torrent of thoughts kept insisting that this was crazy, that I really ought to go do something, that there wasn't enough time. On this last count, today I was able to tell myself that I did indeed have a lot of time. I loved that I could do that.
It seemed that when I gave attention to this finer granularity of experience, anicca was evident, and this was unsettling. For some periods of time it seemed that everything was constantly changing in a way I hadn't observed before.
One way I motivated myself was by seeing the process as some kind of game or race. "Just a little bit more, just a little bit more. The more you do, the bigger the reward." I wasn't forcing myself to do something painful. I was just continuing to apply effort against habit.
When I began, there was a tight knot in my right chest -- something very familiar. During and after this, the knot loosened.
My session was interrupted by a call from Mom. She was scared about Dad. She was with Liza. We spent 45 minutes skyping via my cell phone. One very nice thing about using the phone is that it is very portable. I took her on a tour of the house. I felt very relaxed and available for this call, although I forgot entirely to attend to myself.
Finally, around 4:00, I lay down for a nap. I had worked hard and I really wanted to give myself some rest. Also, I find that I process things in my sleep. During this nap I was quite aware of processing, though I can't recall the details now.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Log 07/11/13
12:22pm Awoke this morning with usual fear. Thought about how impaired by anxiety I am in my work, felt sad and ANGRY. Keeping in touch with the feeling of anger all day since then. So uncomfortable. But this is the life force moving within me, my motivation, my creativity ... this is IT, my aliveness, the thing I had in mind when, 20 years ago during a co-counseling session, I touched into the early hurts and cried out, "They took my life away from me!" That life ... is here, now, right at the surface ... it is here, it is back! after years of hard work I am engaged in reclaiming it! It feels SO darn uncomfortable, so dangerous ... I cannot imagine where it will lead, I am afraid of where it will lead. I want to quit at every moment, to have an ice cream, to visit the Museum of History and Industry, to check Facebook, to do what others tell me to do.
Carrying on ...
1:22pm Seeing my script run without error after making a change ... a feeling of excitement wells up in me, but not the kind I am used to and enjoy ... a kind that is VERY uncomfortable ... I try to allow it, to experience it, as fully as possible ... a tightness and quivering in my throat tells me that something wants to be expressed vocally ... sleepiness ... I carry on with faith that this is leading someplace good, but right now it does not feel that good. However, it does in some sense feel better than the usual anxiety and vague bad feeling.
Before I got this far into my inner work, I used to read about how uncomfortable it can be to fully experience previously repressed emotions. I couldn't imagine it feeling this uncomfortable. I imagined that it would mostly feel exhilarating. Well, it doesn't.
1:35pm Mild right abdominal ache ... aching in the lower throat, becomes throbbing with attention ... desire ...
6:53 Worked steadily throughout day. This big feeling of anger/aliveness has subsided -- I feel "normal" now. I feel somewhat fatigued ... tired of working, yet still working productively ... feel fine about what I accomplished today ... wonder whether I should leave and enjoy the rest of this summer evening. Haven't had caffeine. Don't feel at all passionate about the big picture of my work.
Carrying on ...
1:22pm Seeing my script run without error after making a change ... a feeling of excitement wells up in me, but not the kind I am used to and enjoy ... a kind that is VERY uncomfortable ... I try to allow it, to experience it, as fully as possible ... a tightness and quivering in my throat tells me that something wants to be expressed vocally ... sleepiness ... I carry on with faith that this is leading someplace good, but right now it does not feel that good. However, it does in some sense feel better than the usual anxiety and vague bad feeling.
Before I got this far into my inner work, I used to read about how uncomfortable it can be to fully experience previously repressed emotions. I couldn't imagine it feeling this uncomfortable. I imagined that it would mostly feel exhilarating. Well, it doesn't.
1:35pm Mild right abdominal ache ... aching in the lower throat, becomes throbbing with attention ... desire ...
6:53 Worked steadily throughout day. This big feeling of anger/aliveness has subsided -- I feel "normal" now. I feel somewhat fatigued ... tired of working, yet still working productively ... feel fine about what I accomplished today ... wonder whether I should leave and enjoy the rest of this summer evening. Haven't had caffeine. Don't feel at all passionate about the big picture of my work.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Log 07/02/13
10:24 a.m. Started the work day feeling very pessimistic ... was dreading another day of struggle. Then, two positive things happened. First, I got past my resistance to working on this manuscript. It seems I just needed to get my head into it. After getting over the worst of the resistance, I noticed a sense that I really wanted to be in the manuscript ... a feeling of affection and desire ... a feeling that was hard to stay with. But I have been putting effort into staying with it. Second, I noticed my resistance about asking Zhi for help. Today, it seemed softer, something I could look at and allow to soften. I did look at it and it did soften ... the resulting feeling was more alive and "right" but also unfamiliar and scary. I did ask Zhi for help and the asking and receiving were both very pleasant and rewarding.
4:45 pm Didn't take mindfulness breaks today -- after yesterday, I want a break from the breaks! -- but my work day has been much more pleasant, less distressing, than yesterday was.
4:45 pm Didn't take mindfulness breaks today -- after yesterday, I want a break from the breaks! -- but my work day has been much more pleasant, less distressing, than yesterday was.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Log 07/01/13
8:40 a.m. Took the 7:30 bus this morning. Was able to do this easily because Eric is away (left last night for the World Orienteering Championships in Finland). Feeling extra gloomy since he left. Feeling sad at Eric's departure is a new thing for me. Felt quite down about my kidney-urine-plasma analysis. The manuscript submission deadline is August 1, not September 1 as I'd expected. Feeling like the paper is vacuous. It's hard to even write about--not surprising. The one thing I really like about the paper is the comparison of protein abundances across proteomes. I haven't seen anything like that before. I should clean up the manuscript and send it to Gil today for his comments. I was planning to do a more rote task this morning (load some new data into PASSEL) so as to get some feeling of accomplishment, but now I will try working on the manuscript first.
8:55 getting into manuscript!
9:02 enthused about work, sad, sleepy
9:10 enthused about work. Sad, sleepy, scared, craving.
10:14 Got to a stopping point with manuscript. Sent to Gil and Eric. Looked at Facebook for 10-15 minutes. Now, here I am. Where am I?
11:05 Continued loading new data into PASSEL. I feel afraid to touch into myself. Would rather eat a cheese sandwich. Thinking about how relationship with Z seems super important to get right. Reminded myself that the main relationship I'm cultivating right now is with myself; all else will follow.
Spent 50 minutes (12:00-12:50) in quiet room abiding with self. So unsatisfying! "I don't know what I am doing ... this is dangerous ... this isn't going anywhere." About 10 minutes before rising to go, I turned my attention toward the necessity of going and the pain associated with that.
3:37 Productive day, but filled with anxiety. It feels like the world is dangerous and something bad is about to happen, probably something to do with Z rejecting me.
3:54 As is so often the case, I am spending much of my work day struggling against an anxiety that blocks my thinking process. It is so unsatisfying! Stopping to attend to myself, my experience is different than it has been in recent weeks: anger, frustration, exasperation ... sadness, anger ... sleepiness ... "I don't want this! I don't like this project!" (comparing kidney, urine, and plasma proteomes)
4:18 What would make my job nicer? It hurts just to think about it!
8:55 getting into manuscript!
9:02 enthused about work, sad, sleepy
9:10 enthused about work. Sad, sleepy, scared, craving.
10:14 Got to a stopping point with manuscript. Sent to Gil and Eric. Looked at Facebook for 10-15 minutes. Now, here I am. Where am I?
11:05 Continued loading new data into PASSEL. I feel afraid to touch into myself. Would rather eat a cheese sandwich. Thinking about how relationship with Z seems super important to get right. Reminded myself that the main relationship I'm cultivating right now is with myself; all else will follow.
Spent 50 minutes (12:00-12:50) in quiet room abiding with self. So unsatisfying! "I don't know what I am doing ... this is dangerous ... this isn't going anywhere." About 10 minutes before rising to go, I turned my attention toward the necessity of going and the pain associated with that.
3:37 Productive day, but filled with anxiety. It feels like the world is dangerous and something bad is about to happen, probably something to do with Z rejecting me.
3:54 As is so often the case, I am spending much of my work day struggling against an anxiety that blocks my thinking process. It is so unsatisfying! Stopping to attend to myself, my experience is different than it has been in recent weeks: anger, frustration, exasperation ... sadness, anger ... sleepiness ... "I don't want this! I don't like this project!" (comparing kidney, urine, and plasma proteomes)
4:18 What would make my job nicer? It hurts just to think about it!
- An invisible companion who could silently and invisibly give me a co-counseling session at a moment's notice, to relieve my anxiety. I imagine that these sessions would be short and more or less continuous, since the anxiety arises almost continuously.
- A supervisor and co-workers who understand my challenge
- Aaaack! it really hurts just to think about this! I feel angry!
4:34 Throwing in the towel for the day.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Visual effects and joy
In recent months, while doing inner work or while sleeping and dreaming, I occasionally experience a burst of joy simultaneous with a geometric pattern in my visual field. The pattern is of a kind we used to call psychedelic. Usually a fine-grained monochromatic checkerboard grid on a plane with waves in it. I can't find anything exactly like it on the web, but something like these:
http://www.desktopwallpaper4.me/digital-art/wavy-red-pattern-1281/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/vectorportal/5538189982/sizes/z/in/photostream/
It feels like the joy is about seeing the pattern.
http://www.desktopwallpaper4.me/digital-art/wavy-red-pattern-1281/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/vectorportal/5538189982/sizes/z/in/photostream/
It feels like the joy is about seeing the pattern.
Log 06/30/13
After an enjoyable warm summer day orienteering and taking Eric to the airport, I went home feeling quite gloomy about being alone. Did 2 sessions of inner work. Felt gloomy throughout, and doubtful, but persisted, telling myself that it's OK to be with myself even if it feels dark. Something a bit new: I felt the familiar craving in the right jaw, and tried biting down on a rawhide dog chew. (I'd bought the chew for just this purpose a couple of weeks ago.) New sensations of pleasure and desire arose in the right tongue, along with nausea, gagging, and choking. The sensations in the tongue seemed to trigger or engender mild sexual feelings in the right abdomen and vulva. I gnawed on the rawhide but felt no satisfaction. The desire felt endless and futile.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Upset triggered by exercise. Anger at receiving the attention I asked for.
This morning I did four sets of push-ups. Reps were something like 15, 12, 13, 13. That is way more push-ups than I've been able to do since I started doing push-ups several months ago. A quantum leap. (Previously, my absolute max per set was 11 or 12, and often I could not squeeze out more than 5 or 6.) The last time I did push-ups, a few days ago, I did about 5 sets, whereas previously I'd do only 2 or sometimes 3 sets in a day. I wonder whether doing more sets is what increased my strength?
Thirteen years ago, I worked up to 22 reps in just a few weeks, and after a few more months, was up to 35. I imagine my much slower progress now is the result of aging. According to widely publicized ballpark statistics about age-related muscle loss, I have about 15-20% less baseline muscle mass than I did then.
Today, after each set, I noticed my emotions after the set. It was a powerful mix of emotions, tough to be present for and tough to tease apart. No wonder I hate exercise. (Maybe this is why many people dislike exercise.) There was anger, sadness, frustration, general upset. After each set, I sat on the bed with my torso supported by my large pillow and tried to be with myself. It felt gloomy and unsatisfying. It occurred to me to ask Eric to be with me. It was hard to ask, because I knew Eric was feeling urgent about getting out for a long run and scouting urban orienteering checkpoints. But he readily agreed. He said he was at a good stopping point.
However, it still took him several minutes to wrap up. I felt a familiar tumble of difficult emotion as I waited: anger, uncertainty, and, hardest of all to bear, a deep humiliation, as though I was allowing myself to be subjected to torture. These emotions were difficult to be with, but I felt new patience with them as I realized that I was not, in reality, being humiliated. Then, when Eric finally turned his attention toward me, an anger of a different flavor arose, also very familiar. Usually when I feel angry at finally getting someone's attention, I think, "Now is not the time to feel angry--now is the time to feel appreciative, because I got what I wanted." And I swallow my anger. But in recent weeks I've been allowing the anger. Yay! Yay! Yay! What an amazing and wonderful change. And Eric is OK with it.
Eric came with me into the attic and I did another set of push-ups, then expressed the resulting emotions to him. As usual, when I go to my edge in this work, I feel very uncertain and very uncomfortable with the uncertainty. Can this really be the right thing to do? I was crying and choking. After a few minutes, I talked to Eric about some things that had been on my mind: the resident at Mission Villa who looked so alone and in need of comfort, my desire to comfort her or other such people, my fear of not making enough money and the burden of feeling I need to make money because Eric isn't. I asked him if he would help support me if I wanted to do low-paying work and he said, "I would certainly try."
Eric spent about 35 minutes working with me. Then I fell back asleep for a couple hours. I felt quite depleted, but satisfied. I got into work quite late.
Thirteen years ago, I worked up to 22 reps in just a few weeks, and after a few more months, was up to 35. I imagine my much slower progress now is the result of aging. According to widely publicized ballpark statistics about age-related muscle loss, I have about 15-20% less baseline muscle mass than I did then.
Today, after each set, I noticed my emotions after the set. It was a powerful mix of emotions, tough to be present for and tough to tease apart. No wonder I hate exercise. (Maybe this is why many people dislike exercise.) There was anger, sadness, frustration, general upset. After each set, I sat on the bed with my torso supported by my large pillow and tried to be with myself. It felt gloomy and unsatisfying. It occurred to me to ask Eric to be with me. It was hard to ask, because I knew Eric was feeling urgent about getting out for a long run and scouting urban orienteering checkpoints. But he readily agreed. He said he was at a good stopping point.
However, it still took him several minutes to wrap up. I felt a familiar tumble of difficult emotion as I waited: anger, uncertainty, and, hardest of all to bear, a deep humiliation, as though I was allowing myself to be subjected to torture. These emotions were difficult to be with, but I felt new patience with them as I realized that I was not, in reality, being humiliated. Then, when Eric finally turned his attention toward me, an anger of a different flavor arose, also very familiar. Usually when I feel angry at finally getting someone's attention, I think, "Now is not the time to feel angry--now is the time to feel appreciative, because I got what I wanted." And I swallow my anger. But in recent weeks I've been allowing the anger. Yay! Yay! Yay! What an amazing and wonderful change. And Eric is OK with it.
Eric came with me into the attic and I did another set of push-ups, then expressed the resulting emotions to him. As usual, when I go to my edge in this work, I feel very uncertain and very uncomfortable with the uncertainty. Can this really be the right thing to do? I was crying and choking. After a few minutes, I talked to Eric about some things that had been on my mind: the resident at Mission Villa who looked so alone and in need of comfort, my desire to comfort her or other such people, my fear of not making enough money and the burden of feeling I need to make money because Eric isn't. I asked him if he would help support me if I wanted to do low-paying work and he said, "I would certainly try."
Eric spent about 35 minutes working with me. Then I fell back asleep for a couple hours. I felt quite depleted, but satisfied. I got into work quite late.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Anxiety about the idea that I might be good enough
Hands down, the worst thing about my job is that I constantly think I'm not measuring up. As I've posted before, I usually leave the office feeling unhappy. The unhappiness has words like, "I didn't get anything done. I don't like what I'm doing. I spent half the day struggling with something that should have been easy. I don't have a knack for proteomics. I'm a lousy programmer." All of this, however--even most of the "I don't like what I'm doing"--boils down to thinking I'm not measuring up.
Last night I felt I'd had it with feeling bad about my job and complained bitterly to Eric that I wasn't getting any help with this. He offered to talk. The first thing he said was, "Let's start with the fact that you are good at your work. I have no doubt that you are. Whether you enjoy it or are satisfied with it is another matter."
I reflected for a moment, then said, "90% of my unhappiness stems from thinking I'm not good."
I just spent 20 minutes in the quiet room telling myself, "You are good at your work," then noticing the strong discomfort that arose and trying to characterize it. It had many facets, which I shall list below:
Shut up! You don't know what it's like! You don't know about all the hell I went through as a young person, everyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. Just shut up!
If it's true that I'm good enough, then I have to stop trying to fix my flaws. And that's a project to which I've devoted a lot of effort for decades. I'm not going to give that up! Don't tell me that I was wrong to try to fix myself! Goddamn it, don't tell me I was wrong!!!
I want you to know what I've been through! I can't just let it go! I went through hell! Don't tell me that the people who told me I wasn't good enough were wrong! If they were, that makes me an idiot for believing them! So angry, so angry, so angry ... and there's nothing I can do to fix the past! There's nothing I could have done and there's nothing I can do now. So don't tell me to just forget about it!
Don't tell me I was wrong!
Didn't know where to go from there.
Last night I felt I'd had it with feeling bad about my job and complained bitterly to Eric that I wasn't getting any help with this. He offered to talk. The first thing he said was, "Let's start with the fact that you are good at your work. I have no doubt that you are. Whether you enjoy it or are satisfied with it is another matter."
I reflected for a moment, then said, "90% of my unhappiness stems from thinking I'm not good."
I just spent 20 minutes in the quiet room telling myself, "You are good at your work," then noticing the strong discomfort that arose and trying to characterize it. It had many facets, which I shall list below:
Shut up! You don't know what it's like! You don't know about all the hell I went through as a young person, everyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. Just shut up!
If it's true that I'm good enough, then I have to stop trying to fix my flaws. And that's a project to which I've devoted a lot of effort for decades. I'm not going to give that up! Don't tell me that I was wrong to try to fix myself! Goddamn it, don't tell me I was wrong!!!
I want you to know what I've been through! I can't just let it go! I went through hell! Don't tell me that the people who told me I wasn't good enough were wrong! If they were, that makes me an idiot for believing them! So angry, so angry, so angry ... and there's nothing I can do to fix the past! There's nothing I could have done and there's nothing I can do now. So don't tell me to just forget about it!
Don't tell me I was wrong!
Didn't know where to go from there.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Anxiety related to movement
Since at least middle school I've had an aversion to movement, to exercise. However, I've seen exercise as something I must do for my own good--I must push through the aversion. I've worked on the assumption that if I just keep pushing myself to do running and yoga, I'll get better at them, and the aversion will give way to pleasure in an upward spiral and I will enjoy eternal youth.
The upward spiral peaked in my early 40's with running, and around age 50 with yoga. But now, the spiral is downward: I have become more and more aware of the aversion, and less willing to push through it. When I was at the Forest Refuge in the fall of 2011, I became extremely sensitive to the aversion associated with running, and I've run very little since then. And I've really ramped down on the yoga as well. I've spent my time doing meditation and inner work instead. Over the past 1.5 years or so, I've seen my flexibility decline markedly in many respects: hips, hip flexors, quads, pecs, shoulders, neck, ability to twist the torso. I'm particularly surprised at the decrease in hip flexibility, because I routinely do the standard hip stretches whenever I'm seated on the ground. All of this is quite disturbing.
But I digress from the topic of aversion.
How does the aversion manifest? I only began to have insight into this about 17 years ago. I remember a time when, living alone in the small house on 16th Ave. in Seattle's Central District, I noticed the terror I felt upon opening my front door and beginning to walk out. Later, while staying with Nick in Dallas in 2000, I attended a yoga class and noticed the anger I felt at each instruction. I was committed to honoring the anger, not suppressing it, but I was unskillful--I tried expressing it by crying during the session, which scared me rather than soothed me. I wished for the teacher to offer me healing compassion, but whatever she did offer I did not experience as healing. A few years later I began practicing a lot at home without a teacher. There, I didn't experience anger, but at the beginning of each asana I'd feel a clenching in my chest. I sensed that it had to do with uncertainty.
I have many more stories to tell about my personal history with respect to movement, but I am feeling a sadness and sleepiness writing this, and I feel inclined to wrap this up.
----------------------
Just before beginning this post, I was doing spontaneous movement and observing the associated anxiety in detail. Here are the components I observed:
"No, don't make me do it!"
I feel anger--anger is uncomfortable and triggers a cycle of panic--must shut down.
Despair: having taken this one action, I am reminded of a thousand other actions I wish to take--the vast majority of which I will not take because I do not have the time (or will not make the time) and because it is so emotionally painful to take these actions--I feel great despair about this. Is this the right action out of those thousand? Most, perhaps all, of those thousand are actions I've been told to take, so I am reminded of all the instructions I am failing to follow.
Bewilderment, overwhelm at the range of possibilities. I then feel alone.
"I don't know what I'm doing!"
"I don't know how to take care of myself!"
"This is a waste of time!"
Pleasure
Craving
The sequence of emotions is less predictable when I am moving; therefore, I prefer to stay still.
The upward spiral peaked in my early 40's with running, and around age 50 with yoga. But now, the spiral is downward: I have become more and more aware of the aversion, and less willing to push through it. When I was at the Forest Refuge in the fall of 2011, I became extremely sensitive to the aversion associated with running, and I've run very little since then. And I've really ramped down on the yoga as well. I've spent my time doing meditation and inner work instead. Over the past 1.5 years or so, I've seen my flexibility decline markedly in many respects: hips, hip flexors, quads, pecs, shoulders, neck, ability to twist the torso. I'm particularly surprised at the decrease in hip flexibility, because I routinely do the standard hip stretches whenever I'm seated on the ground. All of this is quite disturbing.
But I digress from the topic of aversion.
How does the aversion manifest? I only began to have insight into this about 17 years ago. I remember a time when, living alone in the small house on 16th Ave. in Seattle's Central District, I noticed the terror I felt upon opening my front door and beginning to walk out. Later, while staying with Nick in Dallas in 2000, I attended a yoga class and noticed the anger I felt at each instruction. I was committed to honoring the anger, not suppressing it, but I was unskillful--I tried expressing it by crying during the session, which scared me rather than soothed me. I wished for the teacher to offer me healing compassion, but whatever she did offer I did not experience as healing. A few years later I began practicing a lot at home without a teacher. There, I didn't experience anger, but at the beginning of each asana I'd feel a clenching in my chest. I sensed that it had to do with uncertainty.
I have many more stories to tell about my personal history with respect to movement, but I am feeling a sadness and sleepiness writing this, and I feel inclined to wrap this up.
----------------------
Just before beginning this post, I was doing spontaneous movement and observing the associated anxiety in detail. Here are the components I observed:
"No, don't make me do it!"
I feel anger--anger is uncomfortable and triggers a cycle of panic--must shut down.
Despair: having taken this one action, I am reminded of a thousand other actions I wish to take--the vast majority of which I will not take because I do not have the time (or will not make the time) and because it is so emotionally painful to take these actions--I feel great despair about this. Is this the right action out of those thousand? Most, perhaps all, of those thousand are actions I've been told to take, so I am reminded of all the instructions I am failing to follow.
Bewilderment, overwhelm at the range of possibilities. I then feel alone.
"I don't know what I'm doing!"
"I don't know how to take care of myself!"
"This is a waste of time!"
Pleasure
Craving
The sequence of emotions is less predictable when I am moving; therefore, I prefer to stay still.
Fear of getting someone to do what I want
I have been trying to organize a project that requires the cooperation of certain specific individuals. If they do not participate, the project will not go forward. And the project is important to me.
I wrote to the individuals. Two responded immediately that they were in. The third did not respond for several days, and this person was the one I most feared may not want to participate.
Today I see in my inbox that this person is also agreeing. I am afraid. I see a void in front of me. I imagine that this person is angry at me: I tell myself the story that I have coerced them, even blackmailed them, and they utterly despise me for backing them into this corner. They see my true colors.
There is some truth to this story. This project has become more important to me than the well being of the individuals involved. I have not been reflecting on their well being in more than a superficial way. I feel guilty about that.
But let me offer myself some compassion. In recent weeks, this has begun with, "I don't know how to offer myself compassion". I begin with this today. As the guilt softens, I see that my asking these people to participate has been a most ordinary request, not a criminal act. And that my lack of compassion for the would-be participants is, although not ideal, most ordinary and forgivable.
Yet I still do not want to read the entirety of this email. I do not want to read a message from someone who might reflect back to me my blind greed and manipulatory tendencies. Perhaps if I reflect on these myself before reading the email ... As I do so, my fear of the email subsides.
I wrote to the individuals. Two responded immediately that they were in. The third did not respond for several days, and this person was the one I most feared may not want to participate.
Today I see in my inbox that this person is also agreeing. I am afraid. I see a void in front of me. I imagine that this person is angry at me: I tell myself the story that I have coerced them, even blackmailed them, and they utterly despise me for backing them into this corner. They see my true colors.
There is some truth to this story. This project has become more important to me than the well being of the individuals involved. I have not been reflecting on their well being in more than a superficial way. I feel guilty about that.
But let me offer myself some compassion. In recent weeks, this has begun with, "I don't know how to offer myself compassion". I begin with this today. As the guilt softens, I see that my asking these people to participate has been a most ordinary request, not a criminal act. And that my lack of compassion for the would-be participants is, although not ideal, most ordinary and forgivable.
Yet I still do not want to read the entirety of this email. I do not want to read a message from someone who might reflect back to me my blind greed and manipulatory tendencies. Perhaps if I reflect on these myself before reading the email ... As I do so, my fear of the email subsides.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Different perspectives on "I don't know"
Often, when I listen to myself, an inner (child) voice is saying, "I don't know what I'm doing! I'm not sure of myself! I don't know how to accomplish what I want! I don't know what to do! I have no idea what to do!" I've been trying to listen to that voice and have compassion for it. (Often I feel like I don't know what it means to have compassion; then the voice becomes, "I don't know how to have compassion!") Some small child (me) was in a tough situation ... it seemed that nothing she tried worked for her ... she tried and tried, but it didn't work ... others told her she didn't know what she was doing. She lost confidence in herself and placed her trust in the voices of others. But, of course, it wasn't a deep trust, not at all.
Today I was listening to this voice during our lab meeting ... extending compassion ... allowing ... listening. Something relaxed and opened a little. I became more present. And then I recalled this Buddhist notion, "the wisdom of I Don't Know" ... on some level, I really never do know, I never can know. And yet I do know. The panic I felt as a very young child was partly due to being in a specific impossible situation ... but it was also due to my experiencing the human condition, the fact of this universal not-knowing.
Today I was listening to this voice during our lab meeting ... extending compassion ... allowing ... listening. Something relaxed and opened a little. I became more present. And then I recalled this Buddhist notion, "the wisdom of I Don't Know" ... on some level, I really never do know, I never can know. And yet I do know. The panic I felt as a very young child was partly due to being in a specific impossible situation ... but it was also due to my experiencing the human condition, the fact of this universal not-knowing.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Log 06/19/13
Early morning: Awoke and began attending to self. Felt very dark, seemingly because of some events of yesterday: (a) I'd attended to self throughout workday, but still left work feeling "bad" that I hadn't achieved what I'd wanted. (b) I then felt very angry when I arrived at my psychotherapy appt. with T, and didn't feel safe to express it, probably because he'd missed our last appt. and was now going away for 3 weeks. (c) I'd asked T for advice regarding my relationship with Z, but all his suggestions sounded like things I'd tried before with Z and other women friends, things that felt really unpleasant and led to escalating fear/anger. (d) I asked T what to do when my inner work leads to memories of being utterly helpless, hopeless, and angry, unable to get what I wanted from Mom. I said I was doubting whether it was good to return to that state over and over again. He said it was probably better not to keep going there, but instead to offer myself holding or to think of what it would feel like to get what I wanted from him. These options didn't sound appealing. (e) I felt compelled to have sex last night when I didn't really want to. Toward the end, I noticed horror stories coming to mind about letting myself be used, but pushed them aside.
Feeling this dark, it did not feel interesting or nourishing to do inner child / trauma recovery work. It occurred to me that I could meditate instead! Practiced silent noting. After about 10 minutes, shifted into a state that felt quite equanimous. After about another 10 minutes, another shift into greater equanimity. Kept meditating for about another hour. Very pleasant. Am I in the equanimity stage of 2nd path?
10:49 am: An emotionally tumultuous morning. Interactions with Eric and Z. Good, but frequently painful. Wrote to A about genetic study. Brief conversation with Dad on phone. Now, settling into work.
11:10 Time to go down to P3 and meditate.
11:15 33 minutes silent noting. Not as equanimous as this morning. By the end of the session, I was checking the clock. Also, I felt a little sleepy. But very little sadness, fear, or anger. Mostly pressure, expanding, releasing, hearing, hearing, expanding, hearing, thinking, sleepiness, pressure, pulsing ...
12:10 Attending to self. Not much concentration. Not much going on. Peaceful.
12:30 Pulsing, pressure on right side of face. Slight nausea.
12:40 Impatience with interrupting myself. "I want to get this done, it will feel so good!" "But it won't. I wonder why you think it will?" "OK, what I mean is that it feels good to keep going." Did thought experiment: it's time to go home from work. "No!!! I want to stay here until I get the reward!" "What will the reward be?" "A big celebration because I've completed something shiny and wonderful that every single person admires, followed by a long, long recess."
1:56 Had a one-hour lunch with Eric at Veggie Grill, after finding that Thai Simple had gone out of business and Eric was irritated that the food trucks were no cheaper than restaurants (unlike the Mexican food trucks in California or Utah). Doing thought experiment: it's time to go home! Sadness!
2:16 "It's time to go home!" Anger! "Don't make me leave, I'm not done! I haven't finished! Don't take me away from here! Give me a chance! I can get it done! I want to finish loading these experiments, then get a nearly-complete draft of the cross-proteome analysis!!!" (impossible) ... wow, I didn't realize before that what I felt when leaving work was anger!
3:10 I am sad because I've not gotten any work done in the past hour. I've been waiting for mMap to finish running, and occasionally checking in by running mQuest on the files that are ready. The mQuest results look bad -- each file has just a few lines, or even just one line, and it's almost always a dummy peakgroup!
"It's time to go home!" "NO!!! Don't tell me I'm not good enough! I am good enough! Don't you dare say I'm not good enough!!!
Feeling this dark, it did not feel interesting or nourishing to do inner child / trauma recovery work. It occurred to me that I could meditate instead! Practiced silent noting. After about 10 minutes, shifted into a state that felt quite equanimous. After about another 10 minutes, another shift into greater equanimity. Kept meditating for about another hour. Very pleasant. Am I in the equanimity stage of 2nd path?
10:49 am: An emotionally tumultuous morning. Interactions with Eric and Z. Good, but frequently painful. Wrote to A about genetic study. Brief conversation with Dad on phone. Now, settling into work.
11:10 Time to go down to P3 and meditate.
11:15 33 minutes silent noting. Not as equanimous as this morning. By the end of the session, I was checking the clock. Also, I felt a little sleepy. But very little sadness, fear, or anger. Mostly pressure, expanding, releasing, hearing, hearing, expanding, hearing, thinking, sleepiness, pressure, pulsing ...
12:10 Attending to self. Not much concentration. Not much going on. Peaceful.
12:30 Pulsing, pressure on right side of face. Slight nausea.
12:40 Impatience with interrupting myself. "I want to get this done, it will feel so good!" "But it won't. I wonder why you think it will?" "OK, what I mean is that it feels good to keep going." Did thought experiment: it's time to go home from work. "No!!! I want to stay here until I get the reward!" "What will the reward be?" "A big celebration because I've completed something shiny and wonderful that every single person admires, followed by a long, long recess."
1:56 Had a one-hour lunch with Eric at Veggie Grill, after finding that Thai Simple had gone out of business and Eric was irritated that the food trucks were no cheaper than restaurants (unlike the Mexican food trucks in California or Utah). Doing thought experiment: it's time to go home! Sadness!
2:16 "It's time to go home!" Anger! "Don't make me leave, I'm not done! I haven't finished! Don't take me away from here! Give me a chance! I can get it done! I want to finish loading these experiments, then get a nearly-complete draft of the cross-proteome analysis!!!" (impossible) ... wow, I didn't realize before that what I felt when leaving work was anger!
3:10 I am sad because I've not gotten any work done in the past hour. I've been waiting for mMap to finish running, and occasionally checking in by running mQuest on the files that are ready. The mQuest results look bad -- each file has just a few lines, or even just one line, and it's almost always a dummy peakgroup!
"It's time to go home!" "NO!!! Don't tell me I'm not good enough! I am good enough! Don't you dare say I'm not good enough!!!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Log 06/18/13
Committing to staying with myself today. Getting work done is not more important than staying with myself.
10:39 When checking in with myself this morning, I've found huge, undirected anxiety. "Panicking ... don't know what to do ... not good enough ... I'm bad, I'm wrong ... overwhelming ... too much ... can only try to keep head above water ... I'm not doing this right because nothing is happening, nothing is changing ..."
10:50 "This is useless ... better to just keep working." I feel sadness, tension in my chest throat (that opens a little even as I write about it), pleasure/craving in the right jaw ... "I'm sad. There's nothing to be done." Hearing the ventilation system. "Want to get away. Not OK to stay here." Even just thinking about keeping this journal brings a strong and immediate reaction from the superego--"this is not what you're supposed to be doing!"
10:59 Tension ... sadness ... sigh ... "I'm afraid of being discovered" Don't want to shift my attention back to my work. Let's see if I can keep attention on self while working ... at least until the next alarm in 9 minutes.
11:10 Saw the alarm ... felt sad to immediately leave my work ... and sleepy! "This is a waste of time" ... ventilation system sounds ... anger at co-worker's sneeze ... "I am angry ... and sad." Noticing right shoulder tensing forward; consciously relaxing it back. Sadness. Time to get back to work. "Didn't get anything done attending to self." Also--I didn't keep attention on self during previous 9 minutes. Not at all.
11:22 Re-read the email I sent a week ago to the Esse family on Mom's dementia. Dianne had thanked me for my "sensitive" email so I wanted to read it again to remind myself of how sensitive I had been. Reading it, it sounded very sensitive, but underneath I noticed a rock-solid belief that it was really insensitive. While reading this, didn't worry at all that I was wasting my time, even though this activity was much more a waste of time than being with myself.
11:30 So wrenching to tear myself away from my work each time. Sleepy ... nauseous ... "I'm surely not doing this right. Nothing is changing!" (even though the nausea is new!) I have to keep remembering the craftiness of the superego, denying reality at every turn. This is worthwhile. Things are changing.
11:50 More slight nausea ... feel like I'm in the center of a storm
11:56 Completed first task of the day (making 3 PASSEL experiments public) ... took about an hour. "No! don't want to be done! Now I'm getting put back out in the cold! No safety!" Sadness ... nausea ... "I didn't really do anything. I didn't do anything at all!" But I did do that! I did it! I did it, and I did a fine job!! What does that feel like?
12:27 Spent about 12 minutes in the quiet room investigating this. Really hard & uncomfortable. The resistance to acknowledging accomplishment felt impenetrable. "I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!!" Then, "He made me do it! I had to do it! It wasn't my idea at all! It was all his idea, he made me do everything down to the last detail!!!" Wanted to punched. Punched in slow motion with right hand, then swept extended arm back. Repeated several times. So much intense feeling, seemingly with nowhere to go. Anger. It's such hard work to stay with myself. In the moment, it feels so unrewarding. I'll just keep with it for just this day. I imagine getting over some kind of hump.
1:01 Sad ... nauseous ... angry! I don't want to feel this way! Anger. "Don't put me down! Leave me alone! Let me do what I want to do, what I need to do! You have no idea!" Vision of Uncle ____ above me and to my right. I despise him. My head turns all the way to the right. Boy, this is hard. I hope I am rewarded by feeling more grounded when I leave work ... 5 hours from now ... aaack, so far away!
1:17 Just zoned out in email for a while ... now, will eat lunch. After feeling angry at Uncle ____ again. <later> Found 2 of those add-on pencil erasers in the office supply room. Put one on a pencil and bit down hard. It breaks.
1:46 Ate lunch. Was less meticulous about avoiding waste than usual (allowed egg white to come off when I peeled my hard-boiled egg; put the shells in the trash instead of the compost). Wiped inside of tupperware with napkin; flashed to Mom wiping poop off of something -- baby Paul's butt? My attitude about getting through this day of mindfulness is one of grim determination rather than delight.
2:12 Destroyed one pencil eraser. It does feel good.
2:24 Aaaack, I don't want to do this!!! Pulsing, sadness, sleepiness ... Why don't you want to do this? "I am with my tormentor. I am angry. I want to kill .... but I can't." I am at loggerheads.
3:43 How did well over an hour pass without my checking in? Well ... I talked to Eric on the phone. Then I researched chew toys. I think rawhide dog chews will work well! Then I finished my first PASSEL load and tested it. Then, I read some emails, including one from cousin D. agreeing to participate in further genetic testing. Then wrote to cousin J asking her if she would participate as well.
3:50 Slight nausea, pulsing, sleepiness. I intentionally turn my attention to Uncle _____. I want my chew toy now!
4:21 Just spent 28 minutes being interviewed for my long term care insurance application. Tomato, children, floor, tree, secretary, radio, shoe, eagle, knee. I didn't remember the tenth word.
4:52 Immediately directed my mind toward Uncle ______. Rage. One delightful benefit of this work is that I do not feel any anxiety about the work I am doing for my job. Annoyance, anger -- yes. (I am very annoyed that I have to once again use this arcane recipe for creating a PASSEL reviewer login.) Anxiety -- no.
5:17 Just realized it's time to jam out of here. At that moment, I realized that I did have work anxiety, because the familiar feeling of yuck came over me, the feeling I usually have at the end of the work day that I failed, that I did not accomplish what I set out to do, that I didn't do enough. Boo!!!
10:39 When checking in with myself this morning, I've found huge, undirected anxiety. "Panicking ... don't know what to do ... not good enough ... I'm bad, I'm wrong ... overwhelming ... too much ... can only try to keep head above water ... I'm not doing this right because nothing is happening, nothing is changing ..."
10:50 "This is useless ... better to just keep working." I feel sadness, tension in my chest throat (that opens a little even as I write about it), pleasure/craving in the right jaw ... "I'm sad. There's nothing to be done." Hearing the ventilation system. "Want to get away. Not OK to stay here." Even just thinking about keeping this journal brings a strong and immediate reaction from the superego--"this is not what you're supposed to be doing!"
10:59 Tension ... sadness ... sigh ... "I'm afraid of being discovered" Don't want to shift my attention back to my work. Let's see if I can keep attention on self while working ... at least until the next alarm in 9 minutes.
11:10 Saw the alarm ... felt sad to immediately leave my work ... and sleepy! "This is a waste of time" ... ventilation system sounds ... anger at co-worker's sneeze ... "I am angry ... and sad." Noticing right shoulder tensing forward; consciously relaxing it back. Sadness. Time to get back to work. "Didn't get anything done attending to self." Also--I didn't keep attention on self during previous 9 minutes. Not at all.
11:22 Re-read the email I sent a week ago to the Esse family on Mom's dementia. Dianne had thanked me for my "sensitive" email so I wanted to read it again to remind myself of how sensitive I had been. Reading it, it sounded very sensitive, but underneath I noticed a rock-solid belief that it was really insensitive. While reading this, didn't worry at all that I was wasting my time, even though this activity was much more a waste of time than being with myself.
11:30 So wrenching to tear myself away from my work each time. Sleepy ... nauseous ... "I'm surely not doing this right. Nothing is changing!" (even though the nausea is new!) I have to keep remembering the craftiness of the superego, denying reality at every turn. This is worthwhile. Things are changing.
11:50 More slight nausea ... feel like I'm in the center of a storm
11:56 Completed first task of the day (making 3 PASSEL experiments public) ... took about an hour. "No! don't want to be done! Now I'm getting put back out in the cold! No safety!" Sadness ... nausea ... "I didn't really do anything. I didn't do anything at all!" But I did do that! I did it! I did it, and I did a fine job!! What does that feel like?
12:27 Spent about 12 minutes in the quiet room investigating this. Really hard & uncomfortable. The resistance to acknowledging accomplishment felt impenetrable. "I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!!" Then, "He made me do it! I had to do it! It wasn't my idea at all! It was all his idea, he made me do everything down to the last detail!!!" Wanted to punched. Punched in slow motion with right hand, then swept extended arm back. Repeated several times. So much intense feeling, seemingly with nowhere to go. Anger. It's such hard work to stay with myself. In the moment, it feels so unrewarding. I'll just keep with it for just this day. I imagine getting over some kind of hump.
1:01 Sad ... nauseous ... angry! I don't want to feel this way! Anger. "Don't put me down! Leave me alone! Let me do what I want to do, what I need to do! You have no idea!" Vision of Uncle ____ above me and to my right. I despise him. My head turns all the way to the right. Boy, this is hard. I hope I am rewarded by feeling more grounded when I leave work ... 5 hours from now ... aaack, so far away!
1:17 Just zoned out in email for a while ... now, will eat lunch. After feeling angry at Uncle ____ again. <later> Found 2 of those add-on pencil erasers in the office supply room. Put one on a pencil and bit down hard. It breaks.
1:46 Ate lunch. Was less meticulous about avoiding waste than usual (allowed egg white to come off when I peeled my hard-boiled egg; put the shells in the trash instead of the compost). Wiped inside of tupperware with napkin; flashed to Mom wiping poop off of something -- baby Paul's butt? My attitude about getting through this day of mindfulness is one of grim determination rather than delight.
2:12 Destroyed one pencil eraser. It does feel good.
2:24 Aaaack, I don't want to do this!!! Pulsing, sadness, sleepiness ... Why don't you want to do this? "I am with my tormentor. I am angry. I want to kill .... but I can't." I am at loggerheads.
3:43 How did well over an hour pass without my checking in? Well ... I talked to Eric on the phone. Then I researched chew toys. I think rawhide dog chews will work well! Then I finished my first PASSEL load and tested it. Then, I read some emails, including one from cousin D. agreeing to participate in further genetic testing. Then wrote to cousin J asking her if she would participate as well.
3:50 Slight nausea, pulsing, sleepiness. I intentionally turn my attention to Uncle _____. I want my chew toy now!
4:21 Just spent 28 minutes being interviewed for my long term care insurance application. Tomato, children, floor, tree, secretary, radio, shoe, eagle, knee. I didn't remember the tenth word.
4:52 Immediately directed my mind toward Uncle ______. Rage. One delightful benefit of this work is that I do not feel any anxiety about the work I am doing for my job. Annoyance, anger -- yes. (I am very annoyed that I have to once again use this arcane recipe for creating a PASSEL reviewer login.) Anxiety -- no.
5:17 Just realized it's time to jam out of here. At that moment, I realized that I did have work anxiety, because the familiar feeling of yuck came over me, the feeling I usually have at the end of the work day that I failed, that I did not accomplish what I set out to do, that I didn't do enough. Boo!!!
Friday, June 7, 2013
A comparison of Vipassana noting practice and the inner child / trauma recovery work I've been doing
In recent weeks I've been meditating very little. I spend between 30 and 90 minutes on a typical day (much more on the occasional weekend day) doing some kind of seated mindfulness, but usually it is inner child / trauma recovery work. Often I sit with the intention of doing such work. Other times, I sit with the intention to meditate, but the other work calls to me.
I've been participating in a 2-month "Life Retreat" with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I meet individually with one of them once a week, and meet with a small group once a week. I've felt uneasy on this retreat because I've been meditating so little. Beth and Kenneth have encouraged me to do the inner work I've been doing, but the superego messages to "follow the program" have been strong as usual, resulting in this uneasiness. Partly to ease this conflict, and partly because I think this will be useful to me and others--and partly because I told Kenneth I was interested in this--I put together a comparison of my two practices in a chart below. At the bottom of the chart, the ultimate goal is stated differently for each practice, but essentially they share the same ultimate goal: freedom.
All of the teachings I've received have recommended keeping one's meditation practice separate from one's psychological work. Partly, I think this is good, practical advice, especially if one is aiming for path attainments. We know that pure, diligent noting works. There is hearsay that those who dilute their Vipassana practice with psychological meanderings are less likely to attain stream entry. But I think the advice to keep the two practices separate is partly because we don't have a lot of experience with melding the two. Modern psychology is a very recent invention.
Here are some questions:
I've been participating in a 2-month "Life Retreat" with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I meet individually with one of them once a week, and meet with a small group once a week. I've felt uneasy on this retreat because I've been meditating so little. Beth and Kenneth have encouraged me to do the inner work I've been doing, but the superego messages to "follow the program" have been strong as usual, resulting in this uneasiness. Partly to ease this conflict, and partly because I think this will be useful to me and others--and partly because I told Kenneth I was interested in this--I put together a comparison of my two practices in a chart below. At the bottom of the chart, the ultimate goal is stated differently for each practice, but essentially they share the same ultimate goal: freedom.
All of the teachings I've received have recommended keeping one's meditation practice separate from one's psychological work. Partly, I think this is good, practical advice, especially if one is aiming for path attainments. We know that pure, diligent noting works. There is hearsay that those who dilute their Vipassana practice with psychological meanderings are less likely to attain stream entry. But I think the advice to keep the two practices separate is partly because we don't have a lot of experience with melding the two. Modern psychology is a very recent invention.
Here are some questions:
- Do I pass through the nanas (stages of insight) while doing a session of inner child / trauma recovery work?
- Does insight into the three characteristics arise during inner child / trauma recovery work?
- In my daily life, am I oscillating between the dukkha nanas and equanimity, and would this account for mood changes? Sometimes I feel very dark, and other times I feel equanimous. Such moods last for at least a few hours.
| Noting | Inner Child / Trauma Recovery Work | |
|---|---|---|
| Basic activity | Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises. | Concentrated mindfulness of whatever arises, preferring emotional states. |
| Sensation | Note | Ignore sensations that are not associated with emotion |
| Emotional state | Note, then let go of, state | Linger with state, but without clinging. Move with it, extend it compassion, talk to child ("I see you are afraid") and listen for response, etc. Look for next state. |
| Planning thought, or story about present time | Note and let go of thought | Let go of thought; look for feeling that underlies thought |
| Superego messages ("this is a waste of time", "this is dangerous") | Note and let go of thought | Extend compassion to child and dialog: "I see you feel very scared. What feels dangerous? What might happen?" |
| Old stories ("someone is about to attack me", "I am alone") | Usually these do not come up | Listen to story, be mindful of resulting state and/or dialogue with child |
| Image | Note and let go of image | Direct attention to any feeling triggered by image |
| Posture | Upright | Collapsed forward and supported by large cushion in front of torso |
| Motion | Relaxed pulsing and rocking with breath | Can choose to sway, rock, or make gross motions with limbs (pushing, etc.) if such motion seems to follow an urge or allow a holding to relax |
| Insights | "Oh, the mind works like this!" | "Oh, this emotion which previously felt heavy and embarrassing is simply a natural consequence of something that was previously hidden but is now visible to me!" |
| Purpose | Notice the three characteristics: anicca, anatta, dukkha | Fully experience repressed emotional states |
| Ultimate goal | Cut through the illusion of self | Allow the experience of core emptiness |
Log 06/07/13
7am One hour inner work. I noticed and dialogued with emotional states as they arose. Craving became predominant. I noticed in a new and deeper way the pain of craving. Rested my attention upon it, noticed the component sensations. Did not inquire what I was craving for--had tried that many times in recent months and not gotten an answer. At one point, I felt like I dropped down into a state of a kind of nothingness and unfamiliarity. This has happened from time to time in recent weeks. This dropping is similar to the dropping I experienced on July 13, 2012 (what Beth said was probably the moment before stream entry), but much less dramatic, and with less nothingness. It's also similar to some state changes I experience during noting meditation. I tried not to search for familiar states such as craving and sadness, but to just be with the nothingness. After maybe 20 seconds I noticed that craving was there "on the side" -- and after maybe another 20 seconds, I realized that the craving was once again predominant. So I then shifted my attention back to that. Arose shortly thereafter; felt more centered in myself than usual.
Log 06/04/13
10:57 a.m. Looking into my experience this moment: predominant sense is "I don't know what I'm doing; I don't know what's happening." I hope this is a good thing.
11:11 I'm doing the wrong thing! I don't know what to do! Really!!! Meanwhile, I'm wasting my life! Being with this. Sadness, sleepiness.
11:27 A moment of overwhelm in my work ... a wave of sadness ... an immediate reaction: "this is really dangerous; I have to pull out of this feeling or it will drown me (I will be unable to work)." Staying with it ... sleepiness quivering desire longing despair ...
11:39 Again.
12:31 Hypothesis via self observation: the sadness is a response to self-criticism.
11:11 I'm doing the wrong thing! I don't know what to do! Really!!! Meanwhile, I'm wasting my life! Being with this. Sadness, sleepiness.
11:27 A moment of overwhelm in my work ... a wave of sadness ... an immediate reaction: "this is really dangerous; I have to pull out of this feeling or it will drown me (I will be unable to work)." Staying with it ... sleepiness quivering desire longing despair ...
11:39 Again.
12:31 Hypothesis via self observation: the sadness is a response to self-criticism.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Pushing away the thing I most desire
Working from home today -- against the rules, without permission. Fear. Taking a break every 25 minutes using FocusBooster; talking to inner child during break. Feeling fear, sadness, anger ... and a sense that I am going to be clobbered from above me and to the right ... and the gnawing, juicy desire in the right jaw. Mom's looking angry above me and to my right. "Why don't you do as you're told?!!!" I am so, so angry! I clench my jaw. Something pleasurable in the upper right throat. I think of pushing her away, but I resist it. What is behind the resistance? I slowly raise my arms to make the pushing motion, attentive to how it feels. As my hand reach waist height, nausea arises. Chest height -- sadness, sleepiness. I am about to push away the person I most desire!!! If I do that ... what then???
I want to send this account to my therapist, T. There is no way I can get it to him before our Monday session -- he only accepts postal mail from me at his Everett office Tues-Thurs. I have a fantasy of finding his residence and sending it there. It is a strong drive: I want to find out his address! What is behind that? I want to feel powerful. I am proud of my ability to find information, and I want to use that ability to feel powerful. I believe that knowledge is power. I feel good when I know something inside out, when I know where things are and how to get places. I want to find T's house, go inside, grab him, and own him.
I want to send this account to him because I want to know where I go with this conundrum. In my early childhood, I both hated and desired my mother. OK, here is my answer. Mom couldn't handle my pushing her away. It caused her to retreat forever, in some sense. But most people are more resilient. It is OK to push away what I desire -- it will still be there for me.
I want to send this account to my therapist, T. There is no way I can get it to him before our Monday session -- he only accepts postal mail from me at his Everett office Tues-Thurs. I have a fantasy of finding his residence and sending it there. It is a strong drive: I want to find out his address! What is behind that? I want to feel powerful. I am proud of my ability to find information, and I want to use that ability to feel powerful. I believe that knowledge is power. I feel good when I know something inside out, when I know where things are and how to get places. I want to find T's house, go inside, grab him, and own him.
I want to send this account to him because I want to know where I go with this conundrum. In my early childhood, I both hated and desired my mother. OK, here is my answer. Mom couldn't handle my pushing her away. It caused her to retreat forever, in some sense. But most people are more resilient. It is OK to push away what I desire -- it will still be there for me.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Log 05/24/13
Dream: There was an orienteering "A-meet" I was not attending. I made plans to meet up with a few of the orienteers at a location somewhat distant from the meet site. Rick Breseman, a couple of middle-aged women, others. They talked about how, at this meet, it was hard to find any kind of enjoyable activity outside of the orienteering. We talked about different routes to get places. I met some youngish women, one or two, whom I found attractive and who expressed interest in orienteering; we exchanged phone numbers and I felt some anxiety about how these relationships would proceed. We were in a large room, maybe it was a convention. Some non-orienteers were there. A couple of youngish black men kept trying to overpower me. It was in sort of a friendly way but in also a menacing way, some weird in-between thing. It was kind of like practice-self-defense, but also not practice. I kept fighting and one of my main strategies was biting the men's hands really hard with my back teeth. I would bite hard, but then back off, thinking, "if I keep biting I am really going to mangle this guy's hands". I also thought, "This is such an effective way to inflict pain, why don't people use it more often?" I was frightened but also not. We orienteers piled into a gigantic bus with no seats, just a large platform covered in thick carpet. It was the only vehicle available at the rental car place. Rick drove us on a curvy road and I held on to the thick carpet pile. It was a fun ride; somehow I had no trouble with carsickness.
Had tea yesterday. Awoke this morning without dread.
7am 20 minutes inner child work, sitting on my meditation cushion.
1pm 30 minutes seated silent noting. I tried to notice the nanas. Maybe I saw them. At first, meditation seemed crisp but "ordinary" -- 1st nana? Then, perceptions flowed past me, each its own distinct and fleeting impression -- 4th nana? Then, maybe noticed more aversion than before. Then, a distinct shift, and I my experience was ahead of me, flowing past too fast for me to notice anything. Maybe this is the "noticing the ends of things" -- characteristic of the dukkha nanas. Then, the bell rang. I felt like I was awakening from a state of partial sleep. Didn't notice a lot of sadness or sleepiness. Lots of craving, pulsing.
5pm Session with Kenneth Folk. Gained confidence I could recognize the major nanas; he guided me through equanimity/4th jhana. We talked about my experience leading to stream entry & how I didn't notice extra suffering in the 3rd nana or the dukkha nanas. Also talked about how meditation and psychological work can fit together in one framework (a ladder of increasingly conceptual mind functions). I described, in more detail than before, what happens during my inner child work: that I use strong concentration to tune into physical-emotional states, then inquire of the inner child about the states ("Why are you afraid?") and wait for the answer to arise from the mind in the form of words, images, or impressions. And that, then, I continue to stay tuned into the physical-emotional states as they change in response to the inquiry, and continue the inquiry based upon that.
After making and eating dinner, felt fatigued. Then, 60-90 minutes later, felt physically a bit more energized but emotionally vulnerable. I think it was a caffeine crash from having had tea the day before and the day before that, but, typically, this explanation didn't cross my mind for quite some time. I just noticed suddenly that I was feeling unsafe with E and Z, that (it seemed) I was constantly needing to curtail angry reactions to benign things, such as Z's trying to organize food for our weekend excursion, and E's playful comments on the Krank adventure race map. I went to the attic to dialog with my inner child, but found myself with poor concentration and falling into semi-sleep. Finally, at 11pm, I went to bed.
2:30am Awoke after sleeping restlessly, with frequent spells of bodily anatta (moving my limbs without a sense that "I" was doing it). It dawned on me why this anatta is discombobulating, even as it's a sign of increased meditative insight: it throws off the feedback loop that allows one to decide what action to take next, or whether one's actions are safe and appropriate. I also felt angry and slightly nauseous. Eric wasn't in bed and I used that fact as a target for my anger. I had an unfamiliar mixture of mental/bodily discomforts and couldn't get a handle on what was really happening: was I dehydrated? (had already drunk way more water than usual the night before) Sick? Going through some emotional opening? Got up to express anger to Eric and write this.
Had tea yesterday. Awoke this morning without dread.
7am 20 minutes inner child work, sitting on my meditation cushion.
1pm 30 minutes seated silent noting. I tried to notice the nanas. Maybe I saw them. At first, meditation seemed crisp but "ordinary" -- 1st nana? Then, perceptions flowed past me, each its own distinct and fleeting impression -- 4th nana? Then, maybe noticed more aversion than before. Then, a distinct shift, and I my experience was ahead of me, flowing past too fast for me to notice anything. Maybe this is the "noticing the ends of things" -- characteristic of the dukkha nanas. Then, the bell rang. I felt like I was awakening from a state of partial sleep. Didn't notice a lot of sadness or sleepiness. Lots of craving, pulsing.
5pm Session with Kenneth Folk. Gained confidence I could recognize the major nanas; he guided me through equanimity/4th jhana. We talked about my experience leading to stream entry & how I didn't notice extra suffering in the 3rd nana or the dukkha nanas. Also talked about how meditation and psychological work can fit together in one framework (a ladder of increasingly conceptual mind functions). I described, in more detail than before, what happens during my inner child work: that I use strong concentration to tune into physical-emotional states, then inquire of the inner child about the states ("Why are you afraid?") and wait for the answer to arise from the mind in the form of words, images, or impressions. And that, then, I continue to stay tuned into the physical-emotional states as they change in response to the inquiry, and continue the inquiry based upon that.
After making and eating dinner, felt fatigued. Then, 60-90 minutes later, felt physically a bit more energized but emotionally vulnerable. I think it was a caffeine crash from having had tea the day before and the day before that, but, typically, this explanation didn't cross my mind for quite some time. I just noticed suddenly that I was feeling unsafe with E and Z, that (it seemed) I was constantly needing to curtail angry reactions to benign things, such as Z's trying to organize food for our weekend excursion, and E's playful comments on the Krank adventure race map. I went to the attic to dialog with my inner child, but found myself with poor concentration and falling into semi-sleep. Finally, at 11pm, I went to bed.
2:30am Awoke after sleeping restlessly, with frequent spells of bodily anatta (moving my limbs without a sense that "I" was doing it). It dawned on me why this anatta is discombobulating, even as it's a sign of increased meditative insight: it throws off the feedback loop that allows one to decide what action to take next, or whether one's actions are safe and appropriate. I also felt angry and slightly nauseous. Eric wasn't in bed and I used that fact as a target for my anger. I had an unfamiliar mixture of mental/bodily discomforts and couldn't get a handle on what was really happening: was I dehydrated? (had already drunk way more water than usual the night before) Sick? Going through some emotional opening? Got up to express anger to Eric and write this.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Log 05/23/13
6:30 a.m. 55 minutes inner child work. I kept inquiring of my inner child what she wanted and what she felt like:
"Afraid of him! What's he doing here?" (referring to my partner Eric).
"I don't know what to do."
"Why do you have to do anything?"
"I have to do something, otherwise she will hit me or scream at me, saying, 'Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?'"
During some of the period, I felt a very strong longing for something unknown. I felt it in my right chest and abdomen. I had the sense that I was an infant, crying and pleading and not getting.
Very strong, convincing sense throughout session that I was doing it wrong, that I didn't know what to do.
I spent some time investigating the sense that it's too late for me to change. There is sadness about having wasted my life, and discomfort about admitting that I tried and tried and tried my whole life but just couldn't find a solution.
This session felt like hard work the whole way, and when I was done I didn't feel comfortable or satisfied.
"Afraid of him! What's he doing here?" (referring to my partner Eric).
"I don't know what to do."
"Why do you have to do anything?"
"I have to do something, otherwise she will hit me or scream at me, saying, 'Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?'"
During some of the period, I felt a very strong longing for something unknown. I felt it in my right chest and abdomen. I had the sense that I was an infant, crying and pleading and not getting.
Very strong, convincing sense throughout session that I was doing it wrong, that I didn't know what to do.
I spent some time investigating the sense that it's too late for me to change. There is sadness about having wasted my life, and discomfort about admitting that I tried and tried and tried my whole life but just couldn't find a solution.
This session felt like hard work the whole way, and when I was done I didn't feel comfortable or satisfied.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Log 05/22/13
7:30 a.m. 20 minutes inner child work, documented in earlier post today
11:00 a.m. 30 minutes seated silent noting. Felt quite equanimous, even with regard to craving and aversion. Possibly this is related to caffeine consumption: I had black tea yesterday afternoon (something I consume perhaps once/year), then chocolate in the evening, then a hot cocoa this morning. Never noted fear, sadness, or sleepiness. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, thinking, planning, noting, craving (in right jaw), expanding, releasing ...
11:00 a.m. 30 minutes seated silent noting. Felt quite equanimous, even with regard to craving and aversion. Possibly this is related to caffeine consumption: I had black tea yesterday afternoon (something I consume perhaps once/year), then chocolate in the evening, then a hot cocoa this morning. Never noted fear, sadness, or sleepiness. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, thinking, planning, noting, craving (in right jaw), expanding, releasing ...
Insight into the dread upon waking
For decades, I've awoken with an aimless dread. Over the years I've learned, first, to not let my mind spin out looking for something that's actually wrong in the present, and second, to soften and let go of the dread through meditation. This morning I applied my new skills at inner child dialoging to investigate the dread. Amazing things arose:
Me: What are you afraid of?
Child: Something so dark that it's dangerous to even remember. Don't even bother trying. It's better to pretend that it never happened. It just happened last night. Everyone knows that I did it. But if we pretend that it didn't happen at all, others will also pretend. They will know in their hearts that I did it, and they will know that I'm disgusting. But they will pretend I didn't do it, and then I'll be safe.
(This came out over the course of 10-15 minutes of gentle attention to the sensations of dread, and repeated asking of the question.)
Me: What happened that's so dangerous to remember? Can I see?
Child: <Familiar feeling of craving in the mouth arises, a sucking/chewing motion. I am chewing really really hard on an adult finger on the right side of my mouth., and sucking on it. I feel deep craving.>
Me: Why are you letting me know?
Child: I know you won't tell anybody.
Me: The sensations that initially felt like fear now feel like mostly craving.
Child: I still want to do it. But I will never, never, never do it again.
This took about 20 minutes. I wanted to continue, but I wanted more to write it down. As I write it, though, it seems like something that will not slip away from my memory. It seems like something I could recall at any time, just by touching into this dread.
The voice didn't give me the impression of an infant voice. More like a 6 year old. But not even that. Like a caricature of a 6 year old.
Me: What are you afraid of?
Child: Something so dark that it's dangerous to even remember. Don't even bother trying. It's better to pretend that it never happened. It just happened last night. Everyone knows that I did it. But if we pretend that it didn't happen at all, others will also pretend. They will know in their hearts that I did it, and they will know that I'm disgusting. But they will pretend I didn't do it, and then I'll be safe.
(This came out over the course of 10-15 minutes of gentle attention to the sensations of dread, and repeated asking of the question.)
Me: What happened that's so dangerous to remember? Can I see?
Child: <Familiar feeling of craving in the mouth arises, a sucking/chewing motion. I am chewing really really hard on an adult finger on the right side of my mouth., and sucking on it. I feel deep craving.>
Me: Why are you letting me know?
Child: I know you won't tell anybody.
Me: The sensations that initially felt like fear now feel like mostly craving.
Child: I still want to do it. But I will never, never, never do it again.
This took about 20 minutes. I wanted to continue, but I wanted more to write it down. As I write it, though, it seems like something that will not slip away from my memory. It seems like something I could recall at any time, just by touching into this dread.
The voice didn't give me the impression of an infant voice. More like a 6 year old. But not even that. Like a caricature of a 6 year old.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
A letter to my psychotherapist, written today
Hi T____,
I'm trying this service called Mail A Letter. It lets me type a letter on the internet, then click "send" and it sends it via postal mail. I notice this seems to be a passive aggressive way of telling you that you don't care for me enough--by not accepting email, you are forcing me to write to you using this unusual service. At the same time, I want you to be delighted with me for discovering this service and making use of it.
Today I am more able than ever to listen to the voices of infant/toddler Terry: "I'm doing it wrong." "I don't have enough time." "I don't know what to do." "This is impossible." I am more able than ever to keep listening to these voices as I go about my day. And I am just beginning to really know that these voices are from a time long past, and don't have anything to do with what's going on in the present. These are the most wonderful things that could ever happen to me in my life.
One unsatisfying aspect to these wonderful occurrences is that I don't have vivid, detailed memories of most of them. So, when I reflect on the times in my life when such changes have occurred, the changes don't stand out--more what stands out are things like, "I went orienteering in Wyoming" or "I published a paper". I would like for the narrative of my life to include the things that are most important to me. This is why I try to write about my experiences of my inner work. I don't write about them nearly as much as I'd like to; much is lost.
Over the weekend I looked at two books by Sandra Maitri: "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul" and "The Enneagram of Passions and Virtues: Finding the Way Home". She talks about how it requires great courage to face one's deepest fears. She emphasizes that the ego will be very devious and tenacious in trying to distract from this process. These reminders were helpful as I spent about five separate hour-long sessions attending to my fear and dialoging with the infant/toddler Terry. Often, I would feel ever so strongly that the process was hopeless, that I wasn't doing it right. Really strongly! Then I would remind myself: "the utmost courage is required." "the ego will be devious and tenacious." And I would continue. Encouragingly, at the end of each session I would feel quite content, not at all as though I'd done anything wrong.
Yesterday when I left your office I felt uneasy about having slept through most of the session. I listened to the voice of the uneasiness: "You've wasted this extra long session. You asked for something extra and you didn't even know how to make use of it. You are undeserving and this extra time should be taken away from you." I didn't have time to feel the feelings associated with this voice. Perhaps this evening.
Not sure if you will get this before we meet on Monday. I am guessing not. I am curious what city the letter will be mailed from.
Looking forward to our next session.
Terry
I'm trying this service called Mail A Letter. It lets me type a letter on the internet, then click "send" and it sends it via postal mail. I notice this seems to be a passive aggressive way of telling you that you don't care for me enough--by not accepting email, you are forcing me to write to you using this unusual service. At the same time, I want you to be delighted with me for discovering this service and making use of it.
Today I am more able than ever to listen to the voices of infant/toddler Terry: "I'm doing it wrong." "I don't have enough time." "I don't know what to do." "This is impossible." I am more able than ever to keep listening to these voices as I go about my day. And I am just beginning to really know that these voices are from a time long past, and don't have anything to do with what's going on in the present. These are the most wonderful things that could ever happen to me in my life.
One unsatisfying aspect to these wonderful occurrences is that I don't have vivid, detailed memories of most of them. So, when I reflect on the times in my life when such changes have occurred, the changes don't stand out--more what stands out are things like, "I went orienteering in Wyoming" or "I published a paper". I would like for the narrative of my life to include the things that are most important to me. This is why I try to write about my experiences of my inner work. I don't write about them nearly as much as I'd like to; much is lost.
Over the weekend I looked at two books by Sandra Maitri: "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram: Nine Faces of the Soul" and "The Enneagram of Passions and Virtues: Finding the Way Home". She talks about how it requires great courage to face one's deepest fears. She emphasizes that the ego will be very devious and tenacious in trying to distract from this process. These reminders were helpful as I spent about five separate hour-long sessions attending to my fear and dialoging with the infant/toddler Terry. Often, I would feel ever so strongly that the process was hopeless, that I wasn't doing it right. Really strongly! Then I would remind myself: "the utmost courage is required." "the ego will be devious and tenacious." And I would continue. Encouragingly, at the end of each session I would feel quite content, not at all as though I'd done anything wrong.
Yesterday when I left your office I felt uneasy about having slept through most of the session. I listened to the voice of the uneasiness: "You've wasted this extra long session. You asked for something extra and you didn't even know how to make use of it. You are undeserving and this extra time should be taken away from you." I didn't have time to feel the feelings associated with this voice. Perhaps this evening.
Not sure if you will get this before we meet on Monday. I am guessing not. I am curious what city the letter will be mailed from.
Looking forward to our next session.
Terry
A glimpse of an early loss
Did some trauma recovery work this morning while sitting in bed with Eric's arms around me. The main theme that presented itself was "I'm doing this wrong, I don't know what I'm doing, I should quit." So strong, so convincing! While allowing this, feeling into it, I re-experienced the desire for Mom's love, for the safety and comfort of her arms, and the utter confusion and despair of not being able to get that back. I re-experienced the feeling that Mom's love was a wonderful thing--a feeling that's been largely lost to me since at least adolescence.
Posture and concentration
I have always had better concentration (for mindfulness activities such as meditation and trauma recovery work) while sitting than while lying down.
This morning was illustrative. I was lying in bed next to my partner with my hand on his torso. I noticed great tension in my right chest--the kind of tension that, if I am seated, usually yields (these days) to gentle attention. Usually, if I am seated and undisturbed, I can ask the tension to speak and listen to its words ("I am terrified that if I move my hand, mother will be angry and leave"), and the tension will soften and eventually dissolve. This morning, while lying down, my mind felt foggy and lazy. Only with great effort could I apply the attention necessary for this process to happen, and even then the process was weak and slow, perhaps less than 10% as powerful as it would have been had I been seated. This weak process was unsatisfying and I soon quit.
It occurred to me to be deeply grateful for the concentration I do have while seated. Probably there are people whose seated concentration is similar to the concentration I have while lying down. This brings up some questions. How does my concentration ability now compare to what it was before I'd begun meditating 12 years ago? What improved my concentration? Has it gradually improved over the years, or did it make a gigantic leap with the specialized concentration training I received from Tina and Stephen, and with the 6 weeks of dedicated concentration practice I did at the Forest Refuge in 2011? Are there people who are struggling in their efforts to do psychotherapeutic practices, such as inner child work and trauma recovery work, due to lack of concentration--and would they do well to train in concentration? What ways are there to improve concentration besides the meditation practices that have worked for me? How can I train to have better concentration while lying down? Why is concentration generally weaker while lying down?
With gratitude for concentration and for the benefits that have come my way due to concentration.
This morning was illustrative. I was lying in bed next to my partner with my hand on his torso. I noticed great tension in my right chest--the kind of tension that, if I am seated, usually yields (these days) to gentle attention. Usually, if I am seated and undisturbed, I can ask the tension to speak and listen to its words ("I am terrified that if I move my hand, mother will be angry and leave"), and the tension will soften and eventually dissolve. This morning, while lying down, my mind felt foggy and lazy. Only with great effort could I apply the attention necessary for this process to happen, and even then the process was weak and slow, perhaps less than 10% as powerful as it would have been had I been seated. This weak process was unsatisfying and I soon quit.
It occurred to me to be deeply grateful for the concentration I do have while seated. Probably there are people whose seated concentration is similar to the concentration I have while lying down. This brings up some questions. How does my concentration ability now compare to what it was before I'd begun meditating 12 years ago? What improved my concentration? Has it gradually improved over the years, or did it make a gigantic leap with the specialized concentration training I received from Tina and Stephen, and with the 6 weeks of dedicated concentration practice I did at the Forest Refuge in 2011? Are there people who are struggling in their efforts to do psychotherapeutic practices, such as inner child work and trauma recovery work, due to lack of concentration--and would they do well to train in concentration? What ways are there to improve concentration besides the meditation practices that have worked for me? How can I train to have better concentration while lying down? Why is concentration generally weaker while lying down?
With gratitude for concentration and for the benefits that have come my way due to concentration.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Going deeper
Over the weekend, had a good look at two books by Sandra Maitry on the Enneagram. This reading gave me deeper insight into my personality structure, and motivated me to spend about five sessions, each about an hour long, being gently present with my experience. Very much an extension of what I've been calling inner child work or trauma recovery work. I sat cross-legged on a bed in the attic, put a gigantic pillow on my lap (thanks to Kay Miller Browne for this perfect pillow), and rested my torso on the pillow. Then I put a normal size pillow, folded, on my right shoulder, and allowed my head to rest there. This allows my body to be perfectly at ease.
I then tune into my experience of the moment. Often, what's predominant is anxiety--a sense that I should be doing something else, or that this is the wrong thing to do, or that I am quite alone and all is gloom. Or, it might be the physical pulsing in my right chest. I then hold an attitude of curiosity, patience, and gentleness regarding what I experience. Sometimes that's not possible--then, I step outward and look at the sense that it's not possible to be curious, patient, and gentle. Always, as I examine my experience, it gradually shifts to something else. A layer dissolves.
More and more, as I do this work, impressions from early childhood arise. This is most remarkable! My ears will tune into very subtle, remote sounds that seem to relate to early childhood memories: traffic on the street, airplanes and helicopters. I imagine this was largely what I heard during the many hours I was lying alone as an infant. Vague memories of being held and comforted, or, more often, of desperately yearning to be held and comforted, arise. The sense of utter frustration and ineffectuality from wanting and trying to get, and not being able to get. The desperate searching for some authority, some guidelines, to tell me what to do--since trying to get what I want isn't cutting it. The sense that I'd better figure out what I'm supposed to do, and then do it quickly, before I am severely punished.
Now, as I write, I am anxious. There is a tension in my right chest. Then sadness, sleepiness. Then, hearing the air conditioning. Pulsing. If I had the leisure, I'd go more deeply into this. From these hour-long (or longer) sessions, I know that there are great depths available. There is no soft bottom to rest on after just 2 or 3 minutes--which is all I can take during my mindfulness breaks at work.
In her books, Maitry advises the seeker that great courage is needed for this exploration. Her eloquent reminder allowed me to go more deeply than I otherwise would have. I noticed unfamiliar mindstates that I would otherwise have quickly pushed aside, before even knowing they were there. I noticed them and allowed them. Those that are most unfamiliar are also the scariest. It's remarkable how reflexively one pushes aside the deeply unfamiliar. As I proceeded, I gained confidence in myself, in my own knowing. For the first time, I occasionally noted "courage" in addition to "fear". "Confidence" in addition to "doubt".
Although I often resisted sitting down to do this work, I always really loved it after only a few minutes. When I experienced enormous doubt, terror, and frustration, I would often think, "Is this crazy? Is this a ridiculous way to spend my time?" But then I would remind myself, "Great courage is needed. The ego will be devious in its attempts to get you to quit."
Maitry wrote that fear forms a ring around a pool of spaciousness (or something like that). She wrote that when that fear is seen and accepted, it releases into the spaciousness. That this might feel frightening, but that one immediately sees that one is held within that spaciousness. It seemed I may have had some experience of this. It was less dramatic and clear-cut than I'd imagined it would be, so I'm not sure.
At the end of each session, as I let my attention shift to thoughts about what to do next, I usually felt quite at peace. I sometimes resisted arising from my seat. Arising and standing upright seemed to involve a habitual and painful inner constriction. I tried applying patience and curiosity here as well, but didn't get very far.
I then tune into my experience of the moment. Often, what's predominant is anxiety--a sense that I should be doing something else, or that this is the wrong thing to do, or that I am quite alone and all is gloom. Or, it might be the physical pulsing in my right chest. I then hold an attitude of curiosity, patience, and gentleness regarding what I experience. Sometimes that's not possible--then, I step outward and look at the sense that it's not possible to be curious, patient, and gentle. Always, as I examine my experience, it gradually shifts to something else. A layer dissolves.
More and more, as I do this work, impressions from early childhood arise. This is most remarkable! My ears will tune into very subtle, remote sounds that seem to relate to early childhood memories: traffic on the street, airplanes and helicopters. I imagine this was largely what I heard during the many hours I was lying alone as an infant. Vague memories of being held and comforted, or, more often, of desperately yearning to be held and comforted, arise. The sense of utter frustration and ineffectuality from wanting and trying to get, and not being able to get. The desperate searching for some authority, some guidelines, to tell me what to do--since trying to get what I want isn't cutting it. The sense that I'd better figure out what I'm supposed to do, and then do it quickly, before I am severely punished.
Now, as I write, I am anxious. There is a tension in my right chest. Then sadness, sleepiness. Then, hearing the air conditioning. Pulsing. If I had the leisure, I'd go more deeply into this. From these hour-long (or longer) sessions, I know that there are great depths available. There is no soft bottom to rest on after just 2 or 3 minutes--which is all I can take during my mindfulness breaks at work.
In her books, Maitry advises the seeker that great courage is needed for this exploration. Her eloquent reminder allowed me to go more deeply than I otherwise would have. I noticed unfamiliar mindstates that I would otherwise have quickly pushed aside, before even knowing they were there. I noticed them and allowed them. Those that are most unfamiliar are also the scariest. It's remarkable how reflexively one pushes aside the deeply unfamiliar. As I proceeded, I gained confidence in myself, in my own knowing. For the first time, I occasionally noted "courage" in addition to "fear". "Confidence" in addition to "doubt".
Although I often resisted sitting down to do this work, I always really loved it after only a few minutes. When I experienced enormous doubt, terror, and frustration, I would often think, "Is this crazy? Is this a ridiculous way to spend my time?" But then I would remind myself, "Great courage is needed. The ego will be devious in its attempts to get you to quit."
Maitry wrote that fear forms a ring around a pool of spaciousness (or something like that). She wrote that when that fear is seen and accepted, it releases into the spaciousness. That this might feel frightening, but that one immediately sees that one is held within that spaciousness. It seemed I may have had some experience of this. It was less dramatic and clear-cut than I'd imagined it would be, so I'm not sure.
At the end of each session, as I let my attention shift to thoughts about what to do next, I usually felt quite at peace. I sometimes resisted arising from my seat. Arising and standing upright seemed to involve a habitual and painful inner constriction. I tried applying patience and curiosity here as well, but didn't get very far.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Log 05/08/13
12:36 Have been revising a manuscript on protein inference terminology standards. The work is enjoyable, but feelings of terror have been ever present today. Very strong! As soon as I read a single sentence, I feel excitement, then fear in the next fraction of a second. I hope that this is progress. I have taken occasional breaks to pay close attention to these feelings, to try to have patience and "mercy" (to use T's word) for them, to try to have curiosity about them. It is really hard--I constantly battle the idea that it's useless, dangerous, folly to spend time in this way! I try to ground myself by noticing that everything is actually OK in the present, that I am safe. I try to notice parts of my body that do not have terror sensations: primarily my legs, and where my body meets the chair. I reflect on the one moment in recent memory when everything actually felt OK, the moment right after emerging from 2 months at the Forest Refuge where I thought, "There is nothing I have to do. And I can choose to do anything." Remarkably, none of these efforts has so far provided significant ease when I am facing the terror.
2:17 Just ate lunch. Also have consumed 2 chocolate truffles: chocolate generally eases my anxiety, and, indeed, I don't experience the sensations of anxiety as debilitating right now. Just pulsing, throbbing, sadness, pleasure, sleepiness.
2:21 Noticed that I was nearly done editing this manuscript. Panic arose.
3:56 Just hit "send" on the email that transmits my edited document to the co-authors. Intense feelings that I want to suppress: panic, fear, sadness, sleepiness, want to hide, want to disappear, want to rest and be safe, want to give up. Ashamed, embarrassed. Desperate to keep up, to be good enough. Tired, don't want to keep going. Someone is going to attack me from the right. Somebody is going to yell at me. It's hard to breathe. I should be over this by now. I have to keep going. Can't think about what I just did. It's certainly a piece of s___. It certainly doesn't count for a damned thing. Would like to just curl up with a good book and get lost. At the same time, I hope that the co-authors read it right away and are stunned by its brilliance. Is it the infant/toddler who is afraid, and the young girl (age 4-10) who hopes for praise? I keep thinking I should stop writing and just pay attention to the feelings, to dialog with them, to invite them to the party (as T says), to make space for them, to be curious about them. I will go down to the movement room to do just that.
4:53 I'm back. Just didn't feel up to attending to these feelings, so meditated instead. Some noting, and some inquiry: "Who thinks there's something wrong?" "Who dislikes?"
5:41 Researched homes for Mom past 45 minutes. Discouraging. Hundreds of possibilities, none looks perfect on paper (would like dementia care plus skilled nursing in same facility, but only one in San Mateo County -- in Portola Valley), agencies can't recommend but can only provide lists, looked up the two recommended by Clarence in yelp and both had truly horrible reviews. When I see a horrible review of a restaurant, I can easily dismiss it as the rantings of a crankosaurus, but a bad review of an eldercare home is more likely to reflect something truly bad.
5:51 OK, biting the bullet, checking out these feelings (have been doing so for 5 minutes already). Fear ... melting into sadness and sleepiness ... same old same old this is never going to end! (welcome, despair!) ... Sadness so deep, afraid to feel it all ... (welcome, fear of sadness!) Nausea, gagging, quivering, pleasure all at the same time in the right throat ... wanting to push away with both arms ... pursing my lips, grimacing ... noticing that I'm in a public place (my desk at work), wondering whether to move to the quiet room ... but I want to be in a public place, even as I'm worried I'll be noticed. The tension in the right abdomen softens ... there is tingling in the genitals ... still grimacing and pushing away ... rocking gently to massage the tense place in the abdomen ... brings pleasure ... but pleasure seems like bad news! ... <interlude to write a few emails> ... continuing to rock, feet now kicking back and forth, lips pursed, arms pushing against arms of chair ... continue to feel comforted that there are people around even though I continue to feel a bit anxious I'll be discovered ... fear only 10% what it was ... all tensions softened ... this is the real deal, anxieties about present circumstances are 90% reflections of this core beingness! 6:23 relaxation, ease, contentment ... encounter with janitorial staff, wondered if my current state of being would make the interaction less awkward, would magically melt the barrier between middle class and working class. It didn't seem to. ... Fear is still 10% of what it was. Why is it gone? ... 6:41 still rocking, kicking, pushing ... now feeling craving in the mouth, lips, right throat ... and a desperation ... 6:53 desire in the right jaw, the right belly, desperate yearning ...
You know, I've noticed during the past several months that whether I'm doing this kind of work solo, or with Eric ... or whether I'm doing formal noting meditation ... it seems to take about 45 minutes for the fear to ease. I wonder how this relates to the nanas (stages of insight) -- one is supposed to cycle through the nanas throughout one's day after attaining stream entry. Possibly my base state is now somewhere in the dark night (Beth mentioned "desire for deliverance" in my meeting with her last week) and it takes 45 minutes to reach equanimity. Would like to mention this to Kenneth and others on my life retreat.
2:17 Just ate lunch. Also have consumed 2 chocolate truffles: chocolate generally eases my anxiety, and, indeed, I don't experience the sensations of anxiety as debilitating right now. Just pulsing, throbbing, sadness, pleasure, sleepiness.
2:21 Noticed that I was nearly done editing this manuscript. Panic arose.
3:56 Just hit "send" on the email that transmits my edited document to the co-authors. Intense feelings that I want to suppress: panic, fear, sadness, sleepiness, want to hide, want to disappear, want to rest and be safe, want to give up. Ashamed, embarrassed. Desperate to keep up, to be good enough. Tired, don't want to keep going. Someone is going to attack me from the right. Somebody is going to yell at me. It's hard to breathe. I should be over this by now. I have to keep going. Can't think about what I just did. It's certainly a piece of s___. It certainly doesn't count for a damned thing. Would like to just curl up with a good book and get lost. At the same time, I hope that the co-authors read it right away and are stunned by its brilliance. Is it the infant/toddler who is afraid, and the young girl (age 4-10) who hopes for praise? I keep thinking I should stop writing and just pay attention to the feelings, to dialog with them, to invite them to the party (as T says), to make space for them, to be curious about them. I will go down to the movement room to do just that.
4:53 I'm back. Just didn't feel up to attending to these feelings, so meditated instead. Some noting, and some inquiry: "Who thinks there's something wrong?" "Who dislikes?"
5:41 Researched homes for Mom past 45 minutes. Discouraging. Hundreds of possibilities, none looks perfect on paper (would like dementia care plus skilled nursing in same facility, but only one in San Mateo County -- in Portola Valley), agencies can't recommend but can only provide lists, looked up the two recommended by Clarence in yelp and both had truly horrible reviews. When I see a horrible review of a restaurant, I can easily dismiss it as the rantings of a crankosaurus, but a bad review of an eldercare home is more likely to reflect something truly bad.
5:51 OK, biting the bullet, checking out these feelings (have been doing so for 5 minutes already). Fear ... melting into sadness and sleepiness ... same old same old this is never going to end! (welcome, despair!) ... Sadness so deep, afraid to feel it all ... (welcome, fear of sadness!) Nausea, gagging, quivering, pleasure all at the same time in the right throat ... wanting to push away with both arms ... pursing my lips, grimacing ... noticing that I'm in a public place (my desk at work), wondering whether to move to the quiet room ... but I want to be in a public place, even as I'm worried I'll be noticed. The tension in the right abdomen softens ... there is tingling in the genitals ... still grimacing and pushing away ... rocking gently to massage the tense place in the abdomen ... brings pleasure ... but pleasure seems like bad news! ... <interlude to write a few emails> ... continuing to rock, feet now kicking back and forth, lips pursed, arms pushing against arms of chair ... continue to feel comforted that there are people around even though I continue to feel a bit anxious I'll be discovered ... fear only 10% what it was ... all tensions softened ... this is the real deal, anxieties about present circumstances are 90% reflections of this core beingness! 6:23 relaxation, ease, contentment ... encounter with janitorial staff, wondered if my current state of being would make the interaction less awkward, would magically melt the barrier between middle class and working class. It didn't seem to. ... Fear is still 10% of what it was. Why is it gone? ... 6:41 still rocking, kicking, pushing ... now feeling craving in the mouth, lips, right throat ... and a desperation ... 6:53 desire in the right jaw, the right belly, desperate yearning ...
You know, I've noticed during the past several months that whether I'm doing this kind of work solo, or with Eric ... or whether I'm doing formal noting meditation ... it seems to take about 45 minutes for the fear to ease. I wonder how this relates to the nanas (stages of insight) -- one is supposed to cycle through the nanas throughout one's day after attaining stream entry. Possibly my base state is now somewhere in the dark night (Beth mentioned "desire for deliverance" in my meeting with her last week) and it takes 45 minutes to reach equanimity. Would like to mention this to Kenneth and others on my life retreat.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Comparing meditation with inner child / trauma recovery work
In recent months I've been spending more time doing what I call inner child work (also trauma recovery work) than meditating. This work is similar to mediation, yet I'm not clear on the differences.
This week I began an 8 week "life retreat" with my teachers Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I hesitated to join the retreat because I'm not a standard hardcore meditator at the moment -- I'm doing this recovery work. But I joined anyway. When, during our first group meeting on Google Hangout, Kenneth asked each of us to say what was juicy in our practice, I said that this work was juicy. And, for the first time, I tried to articulate a comparison between this work and meditation: "Both practices fundamentally involve directing my attention to my present moment experience. In meditation I try to objectify the self; in this work, I try to relate to the self." Kenneth encouraged me to explore this.
Since then I've tried a little to go back and forth between the two practices, comparing them more. During inner child work, I feel into and follow the sensations of emotion. If I feel sad, I feel into and follow the sadness. One might say that I luxuriate in it, the way one typically luxuriates in the sensations of a pleasurable massage. I try to "give it space" (to use a phrase of my psychotherapist). In contrast, during meditation, if I feel sad, I note "sad", then immediately shift back to a wider scope of attention such that the next thing I note is likely to be something other than sadness.
During inner child work, I dialog, using words, with what I perceive to be the inner child -- a set of strong, dynamic sensations in the right side of my body. I direct my attention to the sensations. Words come to mind: "this is a waste of time." I ask myself, "Why does it seem to be a waste of time?" "I am going to get hurt!" "Who is going to hurt you?" "Dad's going to beat me over the head with his fist!" And so forth. During meditation, if words (thought) arise, I immediately let go of the words, ignoring their content.
This week I began an 8 week "life retreat" with my teachers Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk. I hesitated to join the retreat because I'm not a standard hardcore meditator at the moment -- I'm doing this recovery work. But I joined anyway. When, during our first group meeting on Google Hangout, Kenneth asked each of us to say what was juicy in our practice, I said that this work was juicy. And, for the first time, I tried to articulate a comparison between this work and meditation: "Both practices fundamentally involve directing my attention to my present moment experience. In meditation I try to objectify the self; in this work, I try to relate to the self." Kenneth encouraged me to explore this.
Since then I've tried a little to go back and forth between the two practices, comparing them more. During inner child work, I feel into and follow the sensations of emotion. If I feel sad, I feel into and follow the sadness. One might say that I luxuriate in it, the way one typically luxuriates in the sensations of a pleasurable massage. I try to "give it space" (to use a phrase of my psychotherapist). In contrast, during meditation, if I feel sad, I note "sad", then immediately shift back to a wider scope of attention such that the next thing I note is likely to be something other than sadness.
During inner child work, I dialog, using words, with what I perceive to be the inner child -- a set of strong, dynamic sensations in the right side of my body. I direct my attention to the sensations. Words come to mind: "this is a waste of time." I ask myself, "Why does it seem to be a waste of time?" "I am going to get hurt!" "Who is going to hurt you?" "Dad's going to beat me over the head with his fist!" And so forth. During meditation, if words (thought) arise, I immediately let go of the words, ignoring their content.
Log 04/24/13
1:53 pm My work is going smoothly and I feel good about it, so I am DRIVEN to keep going. Not to pay attention to the inner child. On some level I know that following the drive to work is folly. It will never lead to satisfaction, not even a mundane worldly satisfaction. I am driven by a fantasy that if I just get this DONE, I can rest because I will receive praise and love and care and all things good. NOT!
The inner child is there in the right chest, clavicle, throat, jaw ... pulsing ... and there is sadness ... and sleepiness.
2:10 As usual, resisting taking time to be with my feelings. This will not get me anywhere! This is the road to nothingness!
2:25 3 or 4 minutes ago, felt a wave of sleepy sinking, a feeling I usually suppress. It came up during the course of my work.
2:54 Interrupting my work every 20 minutes is so hard and unsatisfying. I hope that it pays off at the end of the day. Sleepy ... craving the (dubious) satisfaction of "getting work done". Is this like a drug, like Nic Sheff's methamphetamine addiction?
3:05
3:16 Feels like tearing myself away! However, if I instead went to Facebook, it would not feel this way! Important! It's a little hard to breathe ... I feel sad ... sleepy ... resist feeling more deeply ...
3:37 Feeling a little more comfortable with this tearing-away ... that brings up a little fear!
3:53 During this interlude, I feel slightly as though I am entering a new universe, a new way of being, a different set of priorities. Opened a little more to my feelings ... feeling less constricted.
5:23 I am feeling significantly better, happier, in late afternoon than I usually do!
The inner child is there in the right chest, clavicle, throat, jaw ... pulsing ... and there is sadness ... and sleepiness.
2:10 As usual, resisting taking time to be with my feelings. This will not get me anywhere! This is the road to nothingness!
2:25 3 or 4 minutes ago, felt a wave of sleepy sinking, a feeling I usually suppress. It came up during the course of my work.
2:54 Interrupting my work every 20 minutes is so hard and unsatisfying. I hope that it pays off at the end of the day. Sleepy ... craving the (dubious) satisfaction of "getting work done". Is this like a drug, like Nic Sheff's methamphetamine addiction?
3:05
3:16 Feels like tearing myself away! However, if I instead went to Facebook, it would not feel this way! Important! It's a little hard to breathe ... I feel sad ... sleepy ... resist feeling more deeply ...
3:37 Feeling a little more comfortable with this tearing-away ... that brings up a little fear!
3:53 During this interlude, I feel slightly as though I am entering a new universe, a new way of being, a different set of priorities. Opened a little more to my feelings ... feeling less constricted.
5:23 I am feeling significantly better, happier, in late afternoon than I usually do!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Log 04/16/13
Noon. Feeling agitated. Listened all morning (while traveling to ortho appt., then traveling to work) to an audiobook about a parent's struggle with his son's meth addiction. Very engaging but also very disturbing. It illustrates the agonizing complexity of dealing with some social situations. It made me think of R and also of my parents and their struggle with Mom's dementia. Perhaps as a result, I chose to phone Dad when I arrived at work at 10:15. (Yesterday he'd made a unilateral decision not to obtain further caregiving for Mom.) I was much more heavy-handed in this conversation than I was in our conversation one week ago. This was deliberate, but I arrived at this approach because I couldn't think of a way to apply the Socratic method I'd applied last week (or was lazy about trying). I thought it might be appropriate to, at least occasionally, communicate clearly and firmly that this is a serious situation and that Nick and I are not simply supporters and advisors--that, when necessary, we are prepared to insist he take a particular course of action.
Now, at noon, I have yet to delve into my work. The feelings I have are fear, sadness ... and fear. Fear.
Let's see if I can get into it.
1:18 Spent 40 minutes on the phone with Clarence and Mary discussing Mom & Dad's situation.
Next day: Stayed at work until 6:10. Was not as aware of my feelings as I had been the day before. Was not aware of desire. Distracted self (with email, Facebook) more than yesterday. Work was fairly engaging, though.
Now, at noon, I have yet to delve into my work. The feelings I have are fear, sadness ... and fear. Fear.
Let's see if I can get into it.
1:18 Spent 40 minutes on the phone with Clarence and Mary discussing Mom & Dad's situation.
Next day: Stayed at work until 6:10. Was not as aware of my feelings as I had been the day before. Was not aware of desire. Distracted self (with email, Facebook) more than yesterday. Work was fairly engaging, though.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Log 04/15/13
12:29 pm Have been working fairly continuously since I arrived at 10:30. At 9am psychotherapy session, worked with being present for feelings of desire/creativity/aliveness. Was tough. Now, experiencing greater tolerance for these feelings and am feeling them continuously as I work. This feeling comes with a trio of other feelings: excitement, fear, and sadness. Sometimes it's very hard not to distract myself from all this emotion. It feels dangerous to stay with it. But I know enough now that the right thing to do is to stay! Seems I should be excited to be growing in this way. But that kind of meta-excitement is the equivalent of hope, and perhaps that's just too much for me to bear at this point. (I did feel a little of that on my walk from the bus to work.)
12:52 Just clarified something with Zhi. Successful. Now that we agree I can proceed to further perfect her code. Urge to distract self! Fear of accomplishment!
Bombing of finish line at Boston Marathon.
2:41 Have continued to feel desire, excitement, fear and sadness all day! I hope this is a good thing! At times it is tempting to retreat into sexual fantasy.
3:27 Still feeling the excitement! Not so much sadness or fear. Oh! probably because I ate a chocolate chocolate chip cookie a couple of hours ago. Kinda wish I hadn't done that.
5:53 Time to go home. What a lovely day! Almost never distracted myself! Just kept going like the Energizer bunny!
Postscript: it was easy to leave work that evening and I wasn't left with a lingering "yuk" feeling.
12:52 Just clarified something with Zhi. Successful. Now that we agree I can proceed to further perfect her code. Urge to distract self! Fear of accomplishment!
Bombing of finish line at Boston Marathon.
2:41 Have continued to feel desire, excitement, fear and sadness all day! I hope this is a good thing! At times it is tempting to retreat into sexual fantasy.
3:27 Still feeling the excitement! Not so much sadness or fear. Oh! probably because I ate a chocolate chocolate chip cookie a couple of hours ago. Kinda wish I hadn't done that.
5:53 Time to go home. What a lovely day! Almost never distracted myself! Just kept going like the Energizer bunny!
Postscript: it was easy to leave work that evening and I wasn't left with a lingering "yuk" feeling.
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