7am 90 minutes seated noting. Strong desire to see my experience as it is, to settle into it, to avoid being seduced by the multitudinous superficial attractions of the world. Craving and aversion were fairly predominant throughout the sitting, yet I also (again) did not want to rise from sitting. Both emotionally painful to arise (wrenching sadness) and physically painful (on a micro level, where I could feel discomfort with the tiniest muscular movement). This is something I've noticed, and noted, for months. Notes included the usual sadness, anguish, tingling, pressure, aversion, sleepiness, craving, yearning, expanding, hearing, pleasure, craving ... but with a lot of craving and aversion. As usual, felt averse to noting aversion. I really resist doing so; I seem to hold the notion that, by noting aversion, I am launching myself into a downward spiral of bad feeling. As soon as I note aversion, I notice a kind of very abrupt tensing and shutting down, which I usually don't note because it is so fast and indescribable, and perhaps because my mind shuts down so that I can't note in that moment.
During meditation I reflected briefly on how I might be cycling through the nanas. I remembered what Dan Ingram wrote about fractal models of the nanas--how one can seem to cycle through the nanas on different time scales simultaneously--and it occurred to me that I might be cycling through them not only with a periodicity of 10-50 hours, but also with a periodicity of 5-10 seconds as I note pleasure, fear, sadness, and sleepiness, pretty much in that order, over and over again through many sittings.
Gloomy feeling throughout day.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting. Very sleepy. J and R have been reading Daniel's book and have begun noting practice. Very exciting!
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