6:28 p.m.
Worker-bee: Let's shift attention back to work.
Inner Child: No, I don't want to!
WB: Why not! C'mon, you have to. It's necessary, it's important. If we don't shift our attention back to work, a lot of worse unpleasantness is going to ensue.
<Lift eyes to terminal screen. Slight gagging feelings arise, as well as slight physical urges to fight with the right side of the body.>
WB: It looks like you're repulsed and angry. What's up?
IC: You don't care about me at all. You just want to get the work done.
WB: Yup. You're right. Actually, I do care, but I'm very awkward about it and very anxious to get this work done. I want to get it done and I don't have time to listen to you. But, OK, I know it's important to listen, and if not now, then when? Much easier to listen here while working at home. OK, listening.
IC: I really hate this work.
WB: Why?
IC: Well, for one, what's the point?
WB: The point is that this is how we earn our livelihood.
<Powerful urges to browse the internet, eat, etc.>
IC: I just don't want to. I don't know why. You have plenty of time today. Take some time to listen to me.
WB: OK.
IC: You don't care about me. You don't let me do fun stuff.
WB: OK. What kind of fun stuff?
IC: I don't know. Not sure. Well, it's kind of nice to just sit here and feel the nice sensations and have you give me a break.
WB: OK.
IC: I kind of like the sensations in the right side of the body. I kind of like just feeling them. But this is also making me sleepy, and I don't want to go to sleep because I'll feel groggy when I get up.
WB; OK, I was lost and didn't know what to do, so I read Ilona's website, Marked, Eternal, again, to remember how to do Deep Looking. I'm supposed to start with, "So be it," then move onto Welcoming, Thanking and Listening Deeply to what Mind and Heart have to Say.
IC: That sounds nice. I'm getting that you don't really want to do this, and sleepiness is coming.
WB: I want to but I'm not sure I know how to.
IC: That's how I feel about all that computer programming stuff.
WB; Are you at peace?
IC: No!
WB; What do you want the most?
IC: Ice cream.
WB; Really?
IC: I want to know that everything, everything, is totally OK and that I will be OK no matter what I do. That I don't have to do anything. That I can just rest.
IC: I want to know that everything, everything, is totally OK and that I will be OK no matter what I do. That I don't have to do anything. That I can just rest.
WB; Thank you. Hmm, when we were at Cloud Mountain last time with Tina and Stephen, all you had to do was rest, but you weren't happy.
IC: Hmm, not sure about that.
IC: Hmm, not sure about that.
WB; Thank you. What is in the way of feeling relaxed now?
IC: Fear of nothingness, of being alone and bored and nothing to do and just falling asleep.
Next day:
Later that day, shortly after watching a 1972 video of Marvin Gaye singing "What's Going On?", triggering a melancholic feeling:
IC: Fear of nothingness, of being alone and bored and nothing to do and just falling asleep.
Next day:
WB; (completed a micro-task, noticed resistance at moving on)
IC: I don't want to leave that task! I put myself into it. I don't want to let go of that task. That task is ME now, I made something, I created something. And I don't want to go to the next task. It feels hard! I don't want to figure out what to do next.
IC: I don't want to leave that task! I put myself into it. I don't want to let go of that task. That task is ME now, I made something, I created something. And I don't want to go to the next task. It feels hard! I don't want to figure out what to do next.
WB; It seems you have an easier time when you have a checklist. If the next task is on the checklist, you have an easier time going to it.
IC: Yes, and I have an easier time letting go of the previous task, because I am excited about getting tasks done so that I can know I'm a good girl.
IC: Yes, and I have an easier time letting go of the previous task, because I am excited about getting tasks done so that I can know I'm a good girl.
Later that day, shortly after watching a 1972 video of Marvin Gaye singing "What's Going On?", triggering a melancholic feeling:
WB; Why don't you want to focus on the work?
IC: I am so sad. So very, very, very sad. I can't even tell you how sad I am. It just seems pointless. I lost the most important thing in the whole entire world. I was rejected. I was loved, and then I was not loved anymore. I don't know what happened. What I want more than anything is to have that love back. I want to be whole and safe and happy again. Something .... suddenly ... happened ... love was gone. I lost love. I became separate from everyone: my parents, my brothers. There was no more connection. Nobody understood me. Nobody saw who I really was. Nobody to hold me gently, perfectly, to love every part of me, to make me feel that everything I did was OK. They told me that what I did was wrong, and they didn't understand the things I said, and they made fun of the things I liked and wanted. Then they told me that I was beautiful and good. That made me feel worse, that they forgot about the parts of me they had already decided were ugly, they forgot they had already told me in the most painful possible way that they saw a part of me they thought was truly ugly.
IC: I am so sad. So very, very, very sad. I can't even tell you how sad I am. It just seems pointless. I lost the most important thing in the whole entire world. I was rejected. I was loved, and then I was not loved anymore. I don't know what happened. What I want more than anything is to have that love back. I want to be whole and safe and happy again. Something .... suddenly ... happened ... love was gone. I lost love. I became separate from everyone: my parents, my brothers. There was no more connection. Nobody understood me. Nobody saw who I really was. Nobody to hold me gently, perfectly, to love every part of me, to make me feel that everything I did was OK. They told me that what I did was wrong, and they didn't understand the things I said, and they made fun of the things I liked and wanted. Then they told me that I was beautiful and good. That made me feel worse, that they forgot about the parts of me they had already decided were ugly, they forgot they had already told me in the most painful possible way that they saw a part of me they thought was truly ugly.
WB; What do you want now?
IC: I want those people to come back and ask me what happened, and fix it, and go back in time and make everything turn out right.
IC: I want those people to come back and ask me what happened, and fix it, and go back in time and make everything turn out right.
WB; You know you can't have that. Is there anything you want that you can have?
IC: Just die.
IC: Just die.
WB; Do you really want to die?
IC: No, because I've heard that I can have that wholeness without going back in time. But it's hard to see the way.
IC: No, because I've heard that I can have that wholeness without going back in time. But it's hard to see the way.
WB; What were the things they said were ugly?
IC: Not sure ... they didn't like it when I cried out, when I was loud. I think.
IC: Not sure ... they didn't like it when I cried out, when I was loud. I think.
WB; Would you like to be loud and loved right now?
IC: Don't know. I could try. Is anybody home?
IC: Don't know. I could try. Is anybody home?
WB; Just checked, yes, Dad is home. I'll let you know when it's safe to try to be loud. What other things did the say were ugly?
IC: The things I put in my mouth.
IC: The things I put in my mouth.
WB; Wow, I haven't heard that before. What things?
IC: A penis.
IC: A penis.
WB; I am having a hard time with that because I'm not sure I want that word in my blog, and also, I feel really uneasy at the whole idea that you think you had a penis in your mouth. Are you sure you did? I'm afraid you got brainwashed by all the talk about the prevalence of incest, and maybe the idea of penis is just something that comes up even if it didn't literally happen. I will pay a very high price of embarrassment and fear if I put the word penis in this blog, and I want to make sure it is worth it.
IC: Well, I don't know, but that is the image that arose. Penises are really nice and soft and nice to suck on.
IC: Well, I don't know, but that is the image that arose. Penises are really nice and soft and nice to suck on.
WB; OK, we're alone in the house now. would you like to try to be loud?
IC: OK, I will try.
Jumped around a bit. Low moaning. Sensations in the right upper back and shoulder led to the raising back of the right arm, as though jamming the elbow upward and behind into something. Until the muscles ached. "I don't know what to do. It hurts. I don't know what. It hurts. I don't know. It hurts." said faster and faster until the words schmeared into a moan. Sensations in the right belly, the right jaw. This is not pleasant. "I want I want I want" appear in the mind, very familiar sensations in the right mouth, salivation. Low whine, mosquito-like.
IC: I just wanted Mom to love me. (tears)
IC: OK, I will try.
Jumped around a bit. Low moaning. Sensations in the right upper back and shoulder led to the raising back of the right arm, as though jamming the elbow upward and behind into something. Until the muscles ached. "I don't know what to do. It hurts. I don't know what. It hurts. I don't know. It hurts." said faster and faster until the words schmeared into a moan. Sensations in the right belly, the right jaw. This is not pleasant. "I want I want I want" appear in the mind, very familiar sensations in the right mouth, salivation. Low whine, mosquito-like.
IC: I just wanted Mom to love me. (tears)
WB; Why don't you write the letter you wish she could write to you?
IC: OK.
Dear Terry, I see how sad you are. I see that you have been sad your whole life. While I was alive, I couldn't understand why you were so angry. Especially at me, because I tried so hard to love you, to do the best I could. Now I see that we were both sad because we both badly wanted to connect with each other.
(Sobbing.)
I know you know that I couldn't have done any different than I did. I'm sorry about the way I was. If only you knew how badly I wanted you to be happy! You were my perfect baby, my perfect Terry. I adored you. You know that from the old photos. And I see now, I was unaware how much it hurt you when I couldn't be with you emotionally. Of course I didn't even think of it that way. I just knew that sometimes I didn't know what to do. I hated that. You know what I mean because you didn't know what to do when I was hurting late in life, and you hated that. I wanted to be understood but I just couldn't communicate to you. And that's how it was, but opposite, when you were a young child.
If we could go back in time ... and if I could be granted infinite time and patience and self-love ... I would hold you close when you were hurting. I would never say a word of criticism without surrounding it with an ocean of love. I would ask you over and over and over again, in a thousand different ways, to tell me what was in your heart. I would guide you in the gentlest possible way to follow your dreams, and I would be there for your tears when some of your dreams fell apart. And, knowing I was mortal, I would help you separate from me and receive love from your friends ... and from yourself ... because you are the only one who will be with you for the rest of your life ... and you have the capacity to give yourself everything you long for from me. You really do. So much more than I ever did. You are the only one who can really know what is in your own heart.
I know now how deeply I failed you. I really had no idea when I was alive, no idea at all. I know how deep the hurt is and that the heart that was hurt was completely pure and innocent, a heart that was trying to love and grow and learn and that could not possibly harbor ill-intent.
I know that you know, the hurt came from more than just me. It came from the world. It is the world's hurt, passed through generations, inflicted within and between families, manifested systemically. You are still hurting others, and others are still hurting you. You can't think about all the ways that you hurt others all the time, because it is overwhelming. And that is how it was for me. And I know that you know as well that I was also hurt, in similar ways.
But we were also both granted incredible gifts. Very, very rich gifts ... a loving heart ... intelligence ... physical safety ... financial security ... education ... the necessary nurturing to grow into functioning human beings ... physical health and mobility ... mental health ... parents and siblings and extended family. And you have the additional gifts of self awareness and spiritual curiosity and the 21st century resources to pursue that curiosity. I am very happy for you.
IC: OK.
Dear Terry, I see how sad you are. I see that you have been sad your whole life. While I was alive, I couldn't understand why you were so angry. Especially at me, because I tried so hard to love you, to do the best I could. Now I see that we were both sad because we both badly wanted to connect with each other.
(Sobbing.)
I know you know that I couldn't have done any different than I did. I'm sorry about the way I was. If only you knew how badly I wanted you to be happy! You were my perfect baby, my perfect Terry. I adored you. You know that from the old photos. And I see now, I was unaware how much it hurt you when I couldn't be with you emotionally. Of course I didn't even think of it that way. I just knew that sometimes I didn't know what to do. I hated that. You know what I mean because you didn't know what to do when I was hurting late in life, and you hated that. I wanted to be understood but I just couldn't communicate to you. And that's how it was, but opposite, when you were a young child.
If we could go back in time ... and if I could be granted infinite time and patience and self-love ... I would hold you close when you were hurting. I would never say a word of criticism without surrounding it with an ocean of love. I would ask you over and over and over again, in a thousand different ways, to tell me what was in your heart. I would guide you in the gentlest possible way to follow your dreams, and I would be there for your tears when some of your dreams fell apart. And, knowing I was mortal, I would help you separate from me and receive love from your friends ... and from yourself ... because you are the only one who will be with you for the rest of your life ... and you have the capacity to give yourself everything you long for from me. You really do. So much more than I ever did. You are the only one who can really know what is in your own heart.
I know now how deeply I failed you. I really had no idea when I was alive, no idea at all. I know how deep the hurt is and that the heart that was hurt was completely pure and innocent, a heart that was trying to love and grow and learn and that could not possibly harbor ill-intent.
I know that you know, the hurt came from more than just me. It came from the world. It is the world's hurt, passed through generations, inflicted within and between families, manifested systemically. You are still hurting others, and others are still hurting you. You can't think about all the ways that you hurt others all the time, because it is overwhelming. And that is how it was for me. And I know that you know as well that I was also hurt, in similar ways.
But we were also both granted incredible gifts. Very, very rich gifts ... a loving heart ... intelligence ... physical safety ... financial security ... education ... the necessary nurturing to grow into functioning human beings ... physical health and mobility ... mental health ... parents and siblings and extended family. And you have the additional gifts of self awareness and spiritual curiosity and the 21st century resources to pursue that curiosity. I am very happy for you.
IC: I like that but I still feel stuck in sadness.
