1am Awoke spontaneously and gradually. At first my mind felt clear and free, then gradually over a couple of minutes the right-side sensations and associated gloom came upon me. I inclined my mind to meditate and immediately was able to; seemed I could meditate lying down. But sat up anyway.
80 minutes seated noting. First half was as unpleasant as it gets. I'd call it "solid pain," different from the sessions with 1-2 minute cycles of pleasure/anxiety/sadness/sleepiness. Aching, pressure, nausea. Aversion was predominant, and I tried not to avoid noting it, even though immediately after noting it I'd have some really unpleasant constricting, anguish, aversion, sadness. Additionally, fear was strong in a way I haven't experienced since the spring, but only occurred in response to disturbing sounds. Made a gentle effort to relax into my experience: "aversion is like this". About halfway through sitting I noted "seeing" upon seeing some minor, ordinary-seeming visual effect with my closed eyes, and immediately after that the pain disappeared for the rest of the sitting. Then the notes were expanding, releasing, pulsing, pleasure, hearing, pressure, rocking. Wondered if I transitioned from 3rd to 4th nana, or from 10th to 11th.
10 am After parking my car at work, spent about 15 minutes in the car feeling the right-side sensations and encouraging the infant state. As usual, much craving and fear. I told my infant self that I would protect her from the danger, and that seemed to allow more relaxation into the infant state. As usual, vivid pleasure in the right esophagus associated with imagining and acting out suckling. An aching/yearning in the abdomen; I wondered if it was related to whatever caused my infant colic. As usual, wrenching to transition out of this state. To ease the transition I tried listening for the ships in the harbor and imagining bird songs I knew: red breasted nuthatch, chickadee, mourning dove, and the ubiquitous urban multi-toned chirp! chirp! chirp!
11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting in Studio P3 at work. Lovely, lovely, lovely! I really relaxed into the experience and enjoyed it, even though there were as many unpleasant sensations as pleasant. (But most sensations were neutral.) 11th nana? Towards the end I tried inclining my mind toward cessations. I unfocussed and allowed noting to almost disappear. If I had any cessations at all, I had about seven or eight. No visuals. Maybe a tiny bliss wave or two.
Later at work: am automatically staying in tune with the pulsings, rockings, and cravings of my right side. It hasn't been very unpleasant and I have been able to work. In particular, it is not painful to put my arms to the keyboard.
Bedtime: anger was very strong.
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