Meditation log moved to Kenneth Folk Dharma

I've moved my meditation log to http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/5034630/-. This will allow me to participate in the online community there, and will allow this forum to be more of a conventional blog.

Log 10/20/12

7:15 am 90 minutes seated insight meditation. Having looked at Dan Ingram's book last night, I was curious to try meditating with a more narrow focus. One thing he suggested that intrigued me was to look at the sensations of craving. This was intriguing because I've been so aware of craving lately. First I tried looking at all the various craving sensations: in the arms, shoulders, hands, chest, and brain area. At times I could also feel it in the legs. But this seemed scattered; I didn't know where to rest my attention. So then I focused on the brain area for some time. That was unsatisfying as well ... I couldn't distinguish the different sensations ... just noticed pulsing, pressure, and tingling. I noted these things only occasionally. Mostly I was trying to see them more distinctly. When other perceptions caught my attention, I did note them (rocking, pulsing elsewhere in the body, hearing). Finally, I decided to notice the sensations of craving wherever they were most predominant. This seemed to mostly be in the arms: tingling. From time to time I noticed worry (that my practice was incorrect).

11:49 pm Sitting here reading stuff on the internet about pragmatic dharma, I feel a growing sense of pleasure, perhaps similar to what I feel after several days of concentration practice. Breathing brings pleasure. Very pleasant day today: sold my car, met with Beth, hung out with Zarina, made dinner, and enjoyed dinner with four lovely people.

Log 10/19/12

Meditated some in the middle of sleeping time. Before going to sleep I had re-read the descriptions of the nanas in Shaila's Wisdom Wide and Deep. It talked about having a fervency to see the Three Characteristics of dukkha, anatta, and anicca, to cast off the burden of the illusion of self. (This is my paraphrase of her words.) I saw that I had such a fervency and reading WWD allowed me to value it more. So I went to sleep happy about the fervency and open to cultivating it--and it seemed that this is why, when I awoke slightly, I applied effort to meditate. And after a moment I snapped into the state I can snap into in the middle of sleep--strong concentration? A&P? Whatever it is.

7:20 am 60 minutes seated whispered noting. There was craving, but it was only about 25% as strong as it had been last night. The sitting was somewhat unpleasant, and I did wish for it to be over, but not strongly. A tiny bit of pleasure, but mostly neutral perceptions, plus the unpleasant craving. Didn't get lost in thought much.

1:00 30 minutes seated noting with group at work. Not unpleasant but not pleasant. The ending wasn't as painful as it had been in recent weeks.

9:30 pm 40 minutes noting while walking home from movie (Somewhere Between, by Mills classmate Pat Verducci). Two or three times, cars honked near me or drove loudly through puddles, and I was startled and immediately exclaimed "Aaaaagh!" -- and was thus able to let go of the experience immediately. The reaction was pre-noting. Such a change from how I was a year ago! So much better than holding it in. ... I experienced so much visual beauty on this walk. I didn't know how to note it. It wasn't pleasant, really. I didn't notice any pleasure. What I did notice was dukkha--some subtle, poignant longing. How do I know it's beauty if I don't notice pleasure? I'm not sure! Everything was so very vivid, and sometimes I didn't conceptualize what I saw right away--just saw it abstractly. I sometimes noted "beauty", sometimes "dukkha", "pain", "constriction",  or "craving". I often dislike long walks in the rain, craving to reach my destination, but today I felt fairly neutral.

I think I understand now some of the suffering that happens as part of the path. Part of it is that one becomes more sensitive and thus experiences dukkha when previously there was numbness. However, there is a gladness and joyfulness along with the suffering. This is enabled by faith.

What to talk about with Beth tomorrow?
- Where am I in the progress of insight?
- What nanas have I been visiting?
- Talk about what it would mean to take on Gil as a primary teacher
- Confusion about how, on one hand, teachers write that it's useful to know what nana your'e in so that you can apply proper effort, but on the other hand, those same teachers (e.g. Shaila) don't encourage students to think in terms of which nana they're in.
- Maybe talk about orienting my life more toward the practice
- Maybe talk about the stress I experienced when we last met
- Retreats: maybe Tina/Stephen in March? Gil or Shaila in September? 2 or 3 months in 2014?

Gestalt: a conversation with Mom

I read today in Inquiring Mind an interview with a meditation teacher who also does Gestalt therapy. While walking from work to the bus, I decided to try one of the exercises he described. I had an imaginary conversation with my mother, first taking the role of me, then taking the role of Mom. Here's a very condensed version:

Me: It feels useless to try to describe this to you. Hopeless. But here goes. You really failed to give me what I needed growing up, Mom. You abandoned me emotionally whenever I was upset. You taught me that I can only be loved when I am quiet and compliant. This was painful then and continues to hurt me.

Mom: Theresa, I can't believe you are saying these things to me. I don't know what you are talking about. I gave you everything. I loved you, you were my baby. How can you say these things?

Me: See, you still can't witness me being upset. You have never been able to. You failed in all the most important things. I really don't like you. In fact, I can't stand you. I hate you.

Mom: This is too much; I don't know what to do. Why are you saying this to me? I can't take this! I just can't take it anymore! What's wrong with you?! You need a psychiatrist. Stop it or I'll call 911!

Me: Mom, I despise you! You're hollow, weak, empty, fake. I don't really care what you say or what you think. (and much more along those lines)

This progression actually took about 10 minutes and included many more rounds of back and forth. Finally, I found myself using a different voice for Mom, the voice of her Buddha nature:

Mom: You're right, Terry. I failed you in important ways. I understand that you hate me. That makes sense. You and I have suffered in similar ways. You are fortunate to have many more tools than I did. You are much more awake and when you are old like me you will be even more awake. May you have peace in your old age. I am happy for you.

Me: Mom, I am sorry that you didn't really even have a chance. I am sorry that your spirit was beaten down irrecoverably at a young age. I am grateful for the tools you did give me. I am grateful that I received what I needed to begin to wake up.

Then I got on the bus.

This didn't feel like any big catharsis, but it was interesting. When I began, the conversation didn't have much juice, and I didn't know where it might go. It seemed like there was nowhere for it to go. But that was incorrect.

The article I read suggested that conversations such as this are really conversations with oneself. And that, when we recognize this, we become more free. But it's not obvious to me how this is a conversation with myself.

Log 10/18/12

7:30 am 5 minutes seated noting. Didn't leave time for more.

8:13 am 15 minutes noting on the bus. Much pleasure, more than I've experienced in any sitting in recent days. And anxiety in response to the pleasure.

A long work day. My work progressed steadily, and I continued to experience a low agitation level and relatively high confidence level.

First hard rain in several months. Eric phoned from Pennsylvania as I was trying to make a tight bus transfer while holding my umbrella, trying not to get my phone wet, waving to the driver to wait for me, and crossing against the signal. Then I bumped my leg into a bench, which triggered anger. The anger ebbed, then flowed again once I got home. It felt pretty solid, but I knew it would pretty much disappear within minutes of sitting to meditate. Remarkable.

8:44 pm One hour whispered noting. Seated, except last 5 minutes was walking/standing. This sitting was all about dukkha. Nothing in particular was bothering me, but I experienced an ever increasing craving for the session to end. I felt it as a tingling in the arms. No pleasure. It became so unpleasant that I made a concerted effort to be as solidly in the present as I could. But this brought little relief.

11:45 pm 15 minutes seated whispered noting before lying down in bed.

I am how I feel

About fifteen years ago, when I was active in co-counseling, I read some advice for what to do when experiencing unpleasant emotions. I'm probably mis-remembering this horribly, but I recall that the advice was to remember that "it is just a feeling". I found this to be profoundly useless advice. To me, the way I felt was my whole experience of life. The value of living, the reason to live, was to experience pleasant feelings. If life were filled with unpleasant feelings, it was just not worth living. And the goal of my life was to fill it with pleasant feelings as much as possible, and to reduce the amount of time I experienced unpleasant feelings.

My point of view has changed. I can't characterize what my new point of view is, but I see that I am less driven to seek the pleasant and avoid the unpleasant. And often I make use of the advice, "remember, it is just a feeling". I remember that unpleasant feelings will pass. I also have skills for letting go of tension and grasping that cause unpleasant feelings to arise and/or persist.

Log 10/17/12

During the night: I have vague memories of slightly waking and meditating, and dancing with the illusion of self in a satisfying way, over and over again through the night. I recall moving my body with the clear sense that "I" wasn't doing it -- and enjoying that, but perhaps also fearing it slightly, with the fear causing me to snap back into identification with the movement.

6:50 am 65 minutes seated whispered noting. Although I was speaking the notes, my mind still found it possible to create trains of thought for me to get lost in :-)  Sitting was not difficult; suffering was low even though there was sadness and existential fear, and pleasure was never noted. Continued practice of last few days of trying to note subtle sensations and mind states; sometimes I would just note "feeling" or "something" when I couldn't name it right away. Expanding, releasing, craving, sadness, sleepiness, fear, pulsing, planning, noting, mouthing, swallowing, rocking, sadness, tingling, aversion craving, craving ...

I've been trying to find a way to note "aversion" without triggering a cascade of unpleasant mind-states. I try to note it with a very soft, gentle voice, and to avoid dwelling on the meaning of the word after making the decision to voice it. So I notice aversion, intend to note aversion, initiate the saying of "aversion", and immediately shift my attention to the next perception even as the word is escaping my mouth.

11:15 am 37 minutes seated whispered noting in Studio P3 at work. Similar experience to this morning, except less sadness and fear.

6pm 10 minutes silent seated noting at the beginning of my Buddhism and the Psychology of Spiritual Development class.

Log 10/16/12

7am 80 minutes seated whispered noting. Again, tried to note more subtle mindstates that I have been skipping over. Noted "noting". Sensed notion of "self" being challenged, disappearing, and reformulating. Observed this process only vaguely and imprecisely, but still gratifying to see it at all. The note of "noting" was always powerful; afterward I noticed (but didn't note) blankness, confusion. Also noted "mouthing" (for the movement of my mouth to form the words). Only rarely did I get caught in thinking. Craved to shed the illusion of self. Seem to be making progress, so to speak, and I have hope that this is leading somewhere good. Experienced a subtle gladness about this.

9:30 am 25 minutes seated noting on the bus. Similar to previous sit, although sadness was more predominant. Seemed I could see that sadness and other non-preferred mindstates were associated with something artificial. I still have very little idea what my experience of life could be without the illusion of self, so I can't get too excited about what is to come. But I can, and do, experience a growing readiness to move away from what is (the constant burden of the illusion of self).

11:30 pm 7 minutes seated whispered noting before falling asleep.

Log 10/15/12

7am 50 minutes seated whispered noting. I seem to be in the same nana as the last few days: very good attention, little suffering, don't get lost in thought too much. Hearing, pulsing, expanding, releasing, thinking, fear, sadness, sleepiness, swallowing, aching, pleasure, noting. Mom spoke to me several times, asking me where Dad is.

The past three days spent with Eric in the Bay Area, largely looking after Mom, were overall happy and satisfying. I was pleased with the patience I had with Mom. Late Sunday night I was up with her for 90 minutes, responding to a continuous stream of repetitive questions and accusations. Was not too hard.

It was both startling and amusing to watch Mom behave in ways similar to how I behave when I am upset. Demands, accusations ... an attempt to regain sense of control RIGHT NOW ... attaching story to anger ... a story with a fragment of truth (Dad doesn't love her or care about her) ... but making use of that truth in a very crude and unproductive manner. Using the crude power of threats and repeated pestering to make SOMETHING happen.

10:30 pm 25 minutes noting on the airplane back to Seattle.

Log 10/14/12

Yesterday was an overwhelmingly busy day:

6:50 am 10 minutes seated noting

4pm 10 minutes seated noting. I had a raging headache from running the Chinatown Street Scramble with Eric. I'd considered lying down, but thought perhaps meditation might be a more satisfying way of obtaining relief. It was. The pain diminished somewhat, but mostly, meditating allowed me to disidentify with the pain.

10:30 pm 15 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.

Today:

7am 30 minutes seated whispered noting. I attempted to begin very gently, gradually transitioning away from being engaged in, and identified with, thinking. I tried to approach it as a joyful, welcome respite from chaos and anguish--rather than a chore that I must force myself to do. Whatever nana I've been in lately, I seemed to be in the same. Attention was good, I felt somewhat "locked in", and the meditation was not difficult; there was very little suffering. I tried to more thoroughly notice and note mindstates that I might usually miss. Subtle mind movements of aversion, desire, and judgement. I also began noting "noting". I resisted doing so, but once I began, the contrast was clear: when I don't note "noting", I identify as "the one who notes". I sometimes craved release from identification with self. Was in bed with Mom; after 30 minutes, aversion to her breathing snowballed, and out of kindness to myself, I arose, even though I had otherwise been really enjoying meditating.

9pm 20 minutes seated noting. Eric looked after Mom. I stopped because of RLS.

Log 10/12/12

7:30 am One hour seated whispered noting. Attention was good and I felt fairly "locked in" as I had in the middle of the night. A lot of craving (to be more present). Sadness after noting "thinking". Is this equanimity? A&P? Pulsing, rocking, expanding, hearing ... Nothing much unpleasant except the frequent craving.

10 am 20 minutes seated mouthed noting on the bus. I realized I didn't care if people saw me mouthing the words on the bus. It was a very solid meditation session. Tone similar to last night & this morning.

Just after I started meditating, I heard sound from the headphones on the person next to me, then watched as fear, rage, judgement, constriction, and suffering ensued. An extremely familiar chain of events that I have experienced at least 10,000 times in my life. Except this time, the final elements in the chain did not appear: frustration, shame, helplessness, despair, because I realized that the initial chain was out of my control. I calmly inserted earplugs to interrupt the suffering.

The first 2 hours I spent at work, I did things other than the main thing I'd planned to do: working on a manuscript that is almost ready to submit. They were mostly non-work things. I felt "bad" about this. Then once I began working on the manuscript, I was happy, and I enjoyed it. The transition was not difficult.

1pm 30 minutes anapanasati concentration practice. I chose to do this practice to see if I could avoid the end-of-sitting anguish I'd been experiencing. I did, partially. The practice was pleasant; it was easy to settle down and go deep. I tried relaxing and using minimal effort. A couple of times it felt like I fell asleep briefly, then awoke into an even deeper concentration state.

7:45 pm  I got a nice 15-minute back massage from James at the airport massage bar. Tried noting a bit during the massage, but it seemed to diminish the pleasure. It seems that the pleasure relied upon some subtle story-telling and some kind of shifting of concentration.

9pm 30 minutes seated noting on plane. Between the massage and getting on the plane, I had gotten into a very down, irritable mood, and I had RLS symptoms in my legs. So eventually I quit and tried to zone out by reading the airplane magazine.

Log 10/11/12

6:15 a.m. One hour seated whispered noting. After about 5 minutes, entered a state that I've been thinking of as equanimity. I felt quite comfortable, and even the suffering was not bothersome. Perceptions were discrete, attention was good. As time went on, fewer things came to my attention for noting; often, after a word came out of my mouth, there was nothing new prominently in my attention to note right away. Many thoughts arose, but I rarely got lost in thought. Perhaps the vocalized noting kept me on track, but perhaps it was also whichever nana I was in. I was quite aware of dukkha. When nothing was happening, there was still dukkha, often in the form of craving (for something more interesting, for the end of the sitting). But sometimes it was just plain, raw, unsatisfactoriness -- in which case, I noted "dukkha". Other frequent notes were the usual hearing, expanding, releasing, rocking, pulsing. Plus dryness, moisture, swallowing--due to the vocalized noting. Thinking. (At first, when I noticed thinking, I'd note the next perception instead of noting "thinking" ... then I remembered that I want to note it right away, and then mostly was able to do that.)

Last night I read a couple of practice logs on Kenneth Folk Dharma. I plan to move my log to that forum after my next meeting with Beth, whenever that may be. Why? I experience a hope that Kenneth and other forum participants will chime in on my logs, allowing me to feel visible, allowing me to become a part of Buddhist history, and helping me better know what is happening to me. (I'd like Beth to comment in writing, but I didn't notice her commenting when I looked last night.) But also, that forum has a more compressed visual format that's easier to scan, it's where a practice log belongs, and it will allow me to keep this blog as an actual blog.

I felt equanimous all day. Content, positive. Work sailed along. Exceptions: my partner Eric was in a very stressful and chaotic situation with regard to his work, and the two times I spoke to him about it, I felt panicky and constricted. Both times I let go of the constriction right away afterward. Also, received some startling news about my mother's health, and fear/panic set in. My heart pounded. Did some meditation; after maybe 10 or 15 minutes of alternating meditation and attention to work, I had let go of the panic. That might be quicker recovery than normal; not sure. In general, over the past few years, I've been able to quickly let go of some (not all) difficult mind states.

9pm 20 minutes seated whispered noting. I was going to do 45 minutes but I got sleepy plus had RLS symptoms. Got up and did noting while packing for my trip tomorrow. I was quite calm and efficient about packing; didn't stress out as I usually do about making choices.

10:30 pm (bedtime) Eric said something relatively benign that triggered anger. Did not let go of anger (though tried) before falling asleep. During sleep, felt hypersensitive and slightly nauseous.

1:30 am: about 50 minutes of the craziest noting session ever. I awoke feeling really uncomfortable; an intensification of the physical/emotional hypersensitivity I'd felt since going to bed. Wasn't sure if it was physical illness or a mind thing. Sat up and began whispered noting. I felt immediate relief as the schmear of bad feeling transformed into a series of discernable perceptions: pulsing, nausea, rocking, fear, sadness, aversion. I felt somehow comfortably locked into my meditation. I applied effort to name each sensation because there was still something I wasn't naming, something like sick-anguish. I had thoughts like, "this is super intense, maybe when people have trouble in the dukkha nanas, this is what they're talking about. Or maybe this is high equanimity even though it is unpleasant. I hope that something is really happening here!" Periodically I found myself formulating a story for my practice log. I then noted "recording" or "narrating". There was a lot of pressure in my head (and chest?); I noted pressure. The nausea was moderately strong (though not nearly as unpleasant as when not meditating) and I worried repeatedly that I might actually throw up while I was sitting. It felt like maybe I was ill from the restaurant dinner I'd had. I continued to be hypersensitive to tactile sensations (Eric moving next to me) and sounds (the sound of Eric moving against the sheets, Z opening her bedroom door down the hall), overwhelming me with a rage that I couldn't/didn't fully feel. So I put in earplugs to turn down the volume. Also, after a while I asked Eric to hold me; this provided a pleasant warmth and psychological comfort, and prevented my reacting to his movements. After some time, some exquisite pleasure snuck in amidst the unpleasantness. At times the pleasure was predominant; at other times notes of "pleasure" were mixed in with notes of unpleasant perceptions. My body swayed a lot; it  was very spontaneous and beautiful, like kelp in the sea. Occasionally thoughts of what is going on in my life appeared and I seemed to gain a sliver of new understanding of each--or perhaps I imagined/wished that I did. This was often followed immediately by fear or sadness. Midway through the session, vocalized noting seemed like too much effort, and I switched to silent noting. Also near the midpoint, I had the thought, "There is extra anxiety and effort here. What if I try to relax and let go?" I did make effort to let go ("relaxing", "letting go"). This had a mild result of allowing more relaxation, a quieting of the mind, and a sense of being fully within my experience rather than looking at it from the outside -- but not a large effect. I wanted (and feared) going deeper and noted craving, desire, fear. Finally, unpleasant perceptions subsided and sleepiness became more predominant. I desired to go to sleep and noted "craving". And then I lay down to go back to sleep.

When I awoke in the morning, I had the ringing in the ears that I associate with periods of intensive concentration practice.

Log 10/10/12

5:50 a.m. One hour seated noting. Can't remember a lot about it, except I thought it was "ordinary". Not easy, not difficult, not pleasant, not A&P. Sometimes got lost in thought.

11:10 35 minutes seated noting. I remembered to vocalize, or at least mouth, the notes in order to avoid getting lost in a train of thought. It is so effective! Attention was very good. I did not get into the state Trip calls "parasympathetic restorative" that is so painful to emerge from, and that I have lately been getting into during mid-day sittings.

4:30 pm  20 minutes seated whispered noting followed by 10 minutes walking noting (due to sleepiness). Did  not get caught in trains of thought, due to the whispering. Attention was good at first, then dozed off a couple of times. It's funny; when I fall asleep while speaking my notes, I shift into speaking whatever I'm saying in my dream. So it can be, "expanding, releasing, hearing, tell her to go to the back of the line," (or whatever random thing I might be saying in the dream). Not in A&P. Oh, but maybe halfway through the sitting part, I felt like I dropped deeper in some way. This is not uncommon during meditation; I wonder if it's a shift from one nana to another. During the walking, I kept craving for the period to be finished, but there wasn't anything in particular I wanted to do. Except maybe start a log on Kenneth Folk Dharma. Or keep reading this great article by Shinzen Young on what meditation is. Or have a tasty snack!

Log 10/09/12

6:00 a.m. One hour seated noting. I wondered whether I'd be in the A&P again. Once the meditation started, my thought was, "I'm not sure, and I don't want to think about it." Yesterday it was easy to make the call "A&P" because I didn't expect A&P and I could see what it was immediately. But today, because I expected A&P, I thought my call could be influenced by my expectation. Thus, far less certainty. But, I did feel somewhat locked into meditation (something I associate with A&P) and I felt quite present and in contact with perceptions. Meditation was pretty easy. Thinking was at a low level. Sensations were mostly neutral, but sometimes pleasant (including full-body pleasure) and sometimes unpleasant (physical pain, plus short cycles of sadness/sleepiness/other). The unpleasant didn't happen until the second half of the sitting. No insights.

8:15 a.m. 15 minutes seated noting on the bus.

Post-retreat, life feels energized and mostly pleasant. I have the sense that something is happening. Much visual pleasure. People have remarked on my equanimous response to my car getting totalled 9 days ago. This response doesn't seem unusual to me--it seems in line with how I've responded to loss of property in the past. I've been enjoying my work, feeling confident about it, and not getting keyed up during the work day. Impossible to know how much of this is post-retreat afterglow, how much is attributable to the stage I'm in along the progress of insight, and how much is a permanent change due to emotional & spiritual maturation. Oh! and how much is due to the absolutely extraordinary warm and sunny early fall weather.

If I were to guess what stage I'm in ... sheesh. I don't know. Post-2nd-path review? 3rd path A&P?

Considering moving my meditation log to the Kenneth Folk Dharma website so that it will be visible to others on this path.

2pm 30 minutes seated noting in quiet room at work. Can't remember anything about it. But it didn't feel like A&P.

6:30 pm 45 minutes seated noting while waiting for E to visit. I did enter the state that Trip calls "parasympathetic restorative", where it feels difficult to emerge. Except that emerging is a lot easier when I am meditating alone, as I was today. Mostly what tends to be difficult is immediately entering social interaction mode. After this sitting, I interacted with others just a minute or two later, but that was more than enough transition time.

Log 10/08/12

Throughout the night I had a lot of meditative activity. It felt like a struggle with the sense of self. I'm not sure what was going on, but here is an attempt: maybe I was transitioning from sleep into A&P, and noticing my sense of self re-formulating during that transition, and trying to let go of it before it consolidated. After this happened many times, I thought, "why all this struggle? I should just relax and let go." This notion didn't seem to change my experience much. I had the idea that I really wanted to let go of the sense of self. I think I also experienced fear when it seemed the sense of self was tenuous.

6:45 am One hour seated noting. I immediately was in the state that I think is A&P (Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away). Some whole-body physical pleasure, although I've experienced this enough times now that it hardly seems notable. Almost constant thinking, mostly reviewing and analyzing my meditation practice. Noted "craving" and "clinging" when I felt the urge to think, sometimes noting "clinging, clinging, clinging" continuously for a minute or more, but there were only a few short periods (maybe 1-2 minutes) where the train of thought was quiet. Otherwise it was hearing, expanding, releasing, tingling, pulsing.  Very occasional sadness, occasional aching/pain. Can't remember whether I remembered to note "pleasure". No apparent insights.

9:30 Walking to Trip's office, found myself feeling pleasantly excited and unpleasantly agitated about what's currently happening in my meditation practice. Halfway to the office, remembered to do noting. Found sadness.

10:00 Session with Trip. He said that recent research suggests that the experience of shame is disrupted or interrupted collapse (can't remember exactly). And that it can be useful to physically collapse upon feeling shame. He gave me some pillows so I could try it out. I began recounting a shameful-feeling story from my relationship with Eric, then soon slowly collapsed onto the pillows that were resting on my lap. Then, reviewed the story in my mind with greater clarity than I had previously been able to. I found myself in a state of mind very similar to the state I've been experiencing when meditating with others (at work, last night at the neighborhood sitting group), where it's painful to emerge. Trip said it was the parasympathetic restorative state.

Interrupting a cascade of unpleasant body/mind states

A few days ago I re-read some of my journal from my long retreat one year ago. I reminded myself of one of the insights I'd been so excited about: that certain conditions (making a choice, taking action, feeling pleasure) trigger particular negative thoughts, which then trigger tension in my right throat, which in turn leads to a proliferation of negative thoughts and a constant search for danger. At the time, I thought that if only I could notice when this tension appears, pause, and release it, I could avoid much suffering. But I feared that the fast pace of everyday life -- even when everyday life is relatively calm -- would make this infeasible. Turns out that this was correct. During the weeks after I returned from retreat, I experienced great frustration and despair as I lost the ability to interrupt this chain of events.

Today, during porch-painting and my walk home, I paused every once in a while to release the right throat tension. This is a practice I'd pretty much given up last December, partly because eventually I found that I usually couldn't release it willfully. Today (and yesterday, also), I found that I could release it at will. Perhaps this is partly due to the slow-down from my retreat which ended one week ago. It is very pleasant to release this tension; it brings such a sense of ease. However, today I found that as soon as took a single step with my feet, whether to apply paint or to move myself down the street, the right throat tensed again. A few times I really slowed it down, and noticed that, actually, the right abdomen tenses first, then the throat. And that if I put my attention on the right abdomen, the right throat stays mostly relaxed, and the thought-proliferation and search for danger can be somewhat averted. This may be something I observed last year; can't remember.

Log 10/07/12

6:30 90 minutes seated noting. Many bouts of getting lost in thought re: r'ship with Eric, even though I tried catching the urge and noting "craving". It got worse as the session went on. During the last 1/2 hour I had strong tensions in the right torso and a lot of sadness. These persisted upon rising.

Mid-day: painted porch for 93-year-old neighbor. Walked there, 1.5 miles each way. Painted and walked home slowly and mindfully. Extraordinarily exquisite weather for October in Seattle: sunny, mid-70's.

5:45 pm While walking to my neighborhood sitting group, I repeatedly did Bentinho's "relax your mind for 2 to 5 seconds" exercise. I was able to repeat it over and over. On this beautiful sunny day, I experienced lots of visual pleasure, and after a while, thinking was at a very low level, almost unnoticeable. I asked myself, "Is this the state I'd like to be in all of the time? If this state could be continuous and reliable, would I be satisfied?"  The answer was clearly "no", but it was difficult to describe why. Here are some pieces of the answer, though: (1) Although I experienced a more direct contact with sensory phenomena than I do when lost in thought, and also much more direct than I ever experienced (undrugged) until several months ago, I still felt a separation. (2) There was still an underlying sense of dissatisfaction. (3) There was still, lurking in the background, anxiety about the future. Sure, this was pleasant, but it was also an unusually stress-free situation. Bentinho's "relax for 2 to 5 seconds" wouldn't be very handy in a social situation, or a situation demanding quick thinking and action.

I compared my experience to what I used to feel when I would drink a lot, then go for a walk (such as walking home from dancing in the mid-90's). The sensory experience during the drunken walks was more enjoyable; I seemed to experience less separation from phenomena. I remember walking by some favorite trees and hugging them and feeling such joy and sensual pleasure. And because the alcohol was keeping my mind in this receptive state, I didn't need to make any effort to be in the state. I would feel very free.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting with neighborhood sitting group. Another session where I felt like I was mired in this deep state akin to sleepiness. The state was appealing, in the same way that falling asleep is appealing, but I dreaded emerging from it. About 8 minutes before the end of the sitting I pulled myself out of it and kept my eyes open. It was really hard. I tried to note what the unpleasantness of emerging was, but I didn't find any words for it. It just seemed like a big schmear of sleepiness and attachment.

10:15pm 15 minutes seated noting before bed. I felt pretty content to meditate; it was not unpleasant, but I still looked forward to sleep. I didn't get into the deep state I was in during the sitting group.

Log 10/06/12

6:30 a.m. 90 minutes seated noting. Attention was good. Sensations were mostly neutral. As over the past few days, noted "craving" in response to the urge to think, and also, as in the previous few days, the urge to think eventually diminished. At times I felt fear which seemed in reaction to a letting go of the illusion of self. Once I even thought, "Wait a sec -- can't go there -- maybe I'd be going crazy!" Then I thought, "Oh. So this is the terror of losing the illusion of self. This is to be welcomed!"

6pm 45 minutes seated noting. Relatively easy to not think; didn't even note "craving" much. Gradually over time I seemed to go into some deep space where I wasn't very aware of what was going on. Or maybe it was some state similar to sleep. Started with a headache and hunger, but soon those sensations slipped into the background and I was left with hearing, expanding, releasing, pressure, tingling ... At the end, the sound of the meditation timer startled me a bit, and I almost didn't hear it. After emerging from meditation, and reflecting back on the previous moments, it seemed that I wasn't fully conscious. But I don't feel groggy, as I would had I been asleep.

11pm 20 minutes seated noting before sleep.

Log 10/05/12

Yesterday: in morning, an hour of seated noting.

Noting during morning commute, but also intentional thinking. Considered that if I approached my work more as a meditation, where I gently but persistently keep drawing my attention back to the task at hand, I might suffer less anxiety.

Spent day writing paper. Anxiety was very low all day, and work was remarkably enjoyable. Could be due to having set my intention, but probably also due to having consumed chocolate at mid-morning.

I can't remember why I didn't meditate more on this day. I suppose I found it important to keep working. In the evening, it was date night with Eric.

Evening: 15 minutes seated noting as I waited for Eric to be ready to work together on organizing his desk.

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Today: awoke, as usual, with fear and dread.

5:30 90 minutes seated noting. For first half, very similar to past two days: concentration was good, attention was crisp, and I noted the urge to think with "craving". Other notes were pulsing, rocking, tension, sadness, fear (occasionally), expanding, releasing, relaxing. Almost no pleasure. Second half, concentration/attention were less strong, and there were many bouts of being lost in thought. Sitting was interrupted three times: Eric saying good-bye, opening the heater vent, checking my calendar after I heard a notification for an impending event (it was "running with Zarina", which I thought I'd cancelled).

1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. When I sit with my group at work, I often seem to slide into some deep state that is painful to come out of. And it is not a state of crisp attention; it almost seems like a state of somewhat foggy attention.

Log 10/03/12

6am 75 minutes seated noting. Experience was similar to yesterday's, but with somewhat lower concentration (yesterday I'd had green tea at dinner the night before): first hour or so, lots of urges to think, which I noted as "craving", then a subsiding of that craving. Didn't notice fear today, didn't have nearly as clear a sense of watching a soap-suds-slippery sense of self flopping around, disappearing and reformulating. But still saw some of that. Fascinating!

Noted during morning commute.

Gil suggested I look at my workplace as my monastery. I had that in mind this morning.

11:15 30 minutes seated noting. Similar.

Log 10/02/12

3:40 a.m. 90 minutes seated noting. For the first hour the mind wanted to be active, in the same way that it wanted to be active during much of the Hidden Villa retreat. However, whereas during the retreat the thought stream usually won out over and over, during this sitting I noted "craving" whenever I felt the urge to engage in thought, and kept 90% of the thinking at bay (compared to at Hidden Villa). It seemed that this was because my concentration and energy were higher today. The urge to engage in thought was very strong, and I felt it as tingling in the chest and arms. After one hour, the urge subsided. This sitting was hard work, but not deeply unpleasant. Other notes included expanding, releasing, pulsing, hearing, sadness ... and fear.  I had the impression that the mind was dancing with the sense of self ... that the sense of self was trying vigorously to assert itself in devious ways and with devious rationales ... and that the fear (new) was perhaps about letting go. And that the sense of self, or perhaps just a chunk of it, kept dissolving and reformulating. The absence of this sense (or chunk of it) felt weird and uneasy, impossible and wrong ... and right ... and wildly unstable. From time to time I made an effort to let go, physically and mentally.

Noted fairly continuously through commute, morning meeting.

2pm Completed a project. Noticed strong resistance against recognizing success. I could call it terror, but that would be a guess. What I actually observe is a strong tendency for the mind to want to focus on anything but the success. If I relax and direct my mind back to the success, I notice a slight dizziness, slightly stronger heartbeat (though not faster), tingling in the arms, and a forced outbreath. If I tell myself, "I just completed this project!" I hear vague messages like, "It's not a big deal, and it's not enough. It's virtually nothing, really, and I actually did virtually nothing." Also, anxiety at needing to move onto something new.

Retreat at Hidden Villa

I sat a meditation retreat the last two weeks of September. It was fruitful. I may write more about it later. I kept a handwritten journal whose content I may try to summarize.