Anxiety about mundane things

Yesterday evening during a session of walking meditation, I noticed anxiety about looking at the clock, putting away my clothes, and changing my clothes. I'd vaguely noticed these anxieties before but had never looked closely at them. In fact, I'd been subtly chiding myself each time I felt them. The anxieties regarding the clock and the putting away of clothes seemed to be about noticing the passage of time, my progress towards death. The anxiety about changing clothes, perhaps about exposure, vulnerability.

A session of concentration practice

In preparation for my two-month retreat with Pa Auk Sayadaw starting September 1, I ordered his book, Knowing and Seeing. Amazon suggested I also order Ayya Khema's Who is my self? to get SuperSaver shipping, so I did. The book has been an inspiration. Ayya Khema encourages the reader to explore concentration meditation even when not on retreat, and states that the jhanas are quite accessible -- we only need to drop everything else. She also encourages constant practice, letting go of craving, examining the concept of self. Finally, while emphasizing that the jhanas are only a small step toward liberation, she states that they are an important step and provide immediate benefits.

Last night while waiting for Eric to be ready for bed, I sat in meditation, practicing anapanasati. After about 10 minutes I noticed sleepiness. Sleepiness usually derails my meditation, but this time I put my focus firmly back on the anapana spot and became quite concentrated. I successfully avoided grasping for concentration. I simply let go of thought and desire. I noticed increased skill in letting go: I'm increasingly convinced, on a deep level, that habitual thought and desire are not serving me. I just let go, let go, let go. Thought was still there, but I repeatedly set it aside. Deep concentration came to me and surprised me. It was not something I did. It just came, presumably as a result of the repeated letting go. Distractedness suddenly lessened, awareness of my visual field (with eyes closed) suddenly heightened, and pleasure increased. The visual field was textured darkness, possibly with a subtle six sided light image such as I'd seen on retreat one year ago. I noticed fear, familiar from my retreat experience, and made a firm decision to let go of it. I was not able to fully let go, and noticed my mind grasping for familiarity, trying to remember where I'd been a moment ago. I continued with anapanasati and moved in and out of the depth. Restlessness never disappeared.

I'd asked Eric to call me when he was ready, and he did. Emerging from meditation, I saw that 40 minutes had passed. I felt groggy and highly irritable. I decided to let go of my anger and focus on being with Eric. Surprisingly, within about 3 minutes my attention shifted to being with Eric, and I felt present and undistracted, though not particularly connected to Eric. It was like I'd just had sex with someone else and was returning. Today I find myself craving an opportunity to practice concentration meditation again. This is simultaneously exciting, gladdening, and frightening. Perhaps the best choice right now is to let go of that craving.