Inner child journal

Time to try this again ... starting now at 1pm this February Wednesday.

1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?

1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.

1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!

2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.

2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.

2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.

3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.

3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?

4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.

4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!

4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"

5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!

Riding waves of emotion

Yesterday I had a wonderful session with my psychotherapist, T. I entered the room with a list of topics I might discuss, but when I sat on the couch, all the topics left my mind and I entered a mind state that's familiar to me from previous sessions, a state that's nonverbal. I said, "I feel like I'm losing control and entering a state where dangerous things could happen." T gently advised me to go with it and, as in surfing, ride whatever unpredictable waves come my way.

Anger came up right away, which has in the past very often led me to a dead end of feeling humiliated with no where to turn. I absolutely hate this experience, but in recent months I've eased up on my strenuous efforts to avoid it. I want to be open to finding new ways to experience anger. This time I did not go to that dead end. I experienced a series of feelings that I normally would have suppressed, or reacted to with humiliation, but this day I just experienced them. Each one brought up thoughts and feelings like, "this is bad, this is dangerous, something bad is going to happen, I can't go here." But go there I did, each time. It was amazing the variety of different feelings that came up over the subsequent 35 minutes. Each wave of feeling caught me off guard with its unfamiliarity, its difference from the previous wave, and triggered the same thoughts about danger. But I rode each wave. It was hard work that felt, at the same time, harrowing and deeply satisfying.

The rest of the day I felt lightness and pleasure.

Today, I found myself a bit more able to feel the difficult feelings that come up in the course of my work.

It is worth noting that yesterday's session came right on the heels of a weekend home retreat during which I meditated a total of about 10 hours and spoke very few words to anyone.