While standing, each movement of my body forward is accompanied by a feeling of fear. I feel this as a tightening in the front of my throat and upper chest. I first observed this while doing a slow walking meditation in the basement at the IMS retreat center at a New Year retreat 2007/08. I've become more and more attuned to this, and now, if I pay attention, I can notice it at any time.
Similarly, while standing, each movement of my body backward is accompanied by another unpleasant feeling. I'm not sure what it is in this moment, but it could be the sadness of loss -- I imagine that by going away, I am saying good-bye forever and lose all chance of reunion.
I block out knowledge of achievement (detailed in an earlier blog post)
When I'm not busy doing anything, and there is no unpleasantness, I habitually scan my environment and my mental landscape for possible problems or threats. If I can catch this immediately (usually during meditation) and let go of the habitual scanning, I experience discomfort and disorientation with the resulting emptiness.
Aversion is a sensation distinct from the sensation I am averse to. For example, I dislike tension in my abdomen. The abdominal tension has a certain feeling, located in the abdomen. The aversion, the "dislike", has a distinct feeling, located in my upper right skull. By placing gentle attention on the sensation of aversion, the entire experience becomes less unpleasant.
A component of aversion is a wordless thought to the effect of, "if I am experiencing this, something is wrong with me, I have failed."
When I focus relaxed attention on a sensation of physical pain, the sensation dissolves into a shimmering field that changes constantly, and becomes less unpleasant, soemtimes even pleasant.
Habitual thought is not generated by my conscious will. I do not choose these thoughts, and they are often neither correct nor useful.
When walking, the approach of another person triggers anxiety.
When doing concentration meditation, casting aside distractions (the Buddhist "hindrances" of desire, aversion, restlessness, and doubt) is like walking steadily forward through turbulent surf in order to get to the calm waters beyond. [I did not list the hindrance of sleepiness because I am not able to cast that aside.] It can be entertaining to cast aside, cast aside, cast aside over and over again, almost like playing a video game.
Walking can be perceived as a series of about 20-30 motions per pace.
Telling myself an untrue story, and believing it, is harmful (insight at Spirit Rock about 5 years ago)
