5:10 a.m. 45 minutes seated noting. Unpleasantness and aversion were dominant. Lots of aversion! Aversion, aversion, aversion. I continue to notice that I subtly blame myself for aversive reactions, so that when I note aversion, it triggers more aversion. Wondered whether it was necessary to have such an unpleasant meditation experience, so tried three different things to lighten it up. First I tried relaxing into the initial triggering sensation (tension in the right throat). Next, I tried "relaxing for 2 to 5 seconds", releasing the stories that turn this sensation into suffering. (I noted "relaxing", but I found that if I noted as usual during the 2 to 5 seconds, I wasn't able to relax as much. But a very light, wordless noting -- almost like "that, that, that" -- seemed to be OK.) Finally, I tried making an effort to notice pleasant stimuli. Usually, my mind inclines toward the unpleasant, so it seemed perhaps beneficial to make a small effort to incline towards the pleasant.
Each of these attempts was successful, and the final portion of the sitting was relatively pleasant.
11:40 15 minutes with Julie. The sensations in my right throat were really bothering me and I dreaded spending 15 minutes noting my aversion to them. Trying to be kind to myself, I spent the period paying gentle attention to the sensations and relaxing into them. With micro-movements of my head and neck, following urges, I seem to be able to soothe the tension there, and this is what I did. I dozed a little. My timer malfunctioned and I don't know exactly how long we sat. I felt comfortable and refreshed afterward.
I used to wonder whether this kind of thing could be called Vipassana practice. Now I think that it isn't, because I'm not noticing the Three Characteristics. It is in some sense a supporting practice in that I am practicing paying attention to sensation.
Spent a bunch of time doing "relax for 2 to 5 seconds" repeatedly. When I do this, the aversion to the right throat/torso tensions disappears. Is this because the aversion arises from a story about the tension?
10:30 pm 15 minutes seated noting. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. RLS symptoms.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Feeling like an animal
When I first met my partner Eric, he confided to me that he felt like an animal. He meant that his experience of living seemed similar to what he imagined an animal's experience of living might be.
I can't know Eric's experience, nor can I know an animal's. But over the past few months I have been feeling more and more that my body is responding to stimuli without the involvement of my conscious mind. For example, when a loud noise occurs, my body will flinch before my mind has a chance to conceptualize the noise. Perhaps this has always happened, but my experience of this kind of thing used to be quite different. My experience of a loud noise used to be: hearing the noise, tensing my body and mind against the noise, and thinking angry thoughts about the noise. Now my experience is: hearing the noise, noticing my body flinch ... then moving on without much of a thought.
Similarly, I am enjoying pleasant sights, sounds, and smells immediately in my body. They trigger ripples of tingly sensation. Previously, I'd view a pleasant sight, mentally recognize it and conceptualize it as something I generally consider pleasant, and think, "Oh, that is a pleasant sight." But not much actual pleasure would be experienced. I received most of my pleasure in life through story, and through very intense sense stimulation such as eating or massage.
I can't know Eric's experience, nor can I know an animal's. But over the past few months I have been feeling more and more that my body is responding to stimuli without the involvement of my conscious mind. For example, when a loud noise occurs, my body will flinch before my mind has a chance to conceptualize the noise. Perhaps this has always happened, but my experience of this kind of thing used to be quite different. My experience of a loud noise used to be: hearing the noise, tensing my body and mind against the noise, and thinking angry thoughts about the noise. Now my experience is: hearing the noise, noticing my body flinch ... then moving on without much of a thought.
Similarly, I am enjoying pleasant sights, sounds, and smells immediately in my body. They trigger ripples of tingly sensation. Previously, I'd view a pleasant sight, mentally recognize it and conceptualize it as something I generally consider pleasant, and think, "Oh, that is a pleasant sight." But not much actual pleasure would be experienced. I received most of my pleasure in life through story, and through very intense sense stimulation such as eating or massage.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Meditation log 07/30/12
2am About an hour of noting, lying down. Awoke from sleep immediately into noting, as though I had been noting in my sleep. Everything was sad, fearful, and/or painful. Every movement was painful, in the same way as I described the pain of moving my legs yesterday. There was a lot of thinking, almost continuous, but somehow I was not averse to it at all; it didn't seem out of place or non-meditative, and I usually forgot to note it. Most reflections on any topic were followed by fear or sadness: thinking about work, people, memories. My attention seemed to be somehow quite on the surface of things, not penetrative. Noting was automatic. Stronger than usual sense that my body and bodily motions/functions were not self. At one point I passed gas and it frightened me as though it were something occurring from outside myself. As I became more wakeful, I applied more effort to note precisely; discomfort increased and my face scrunched up, and I recalled that someone (Ron Crouch?) said a scrunched face was indicative of the Knowledge of Misery. I eventually got up to go to the bathroom (after maybe an hour?) ... and then sat here at my computer to log. I intend to sit upright and meditate upon going back to bed.
3:10 am Half hour seated noting. Attention was more precise than when lying down. Other than that, experience was similar to above. Didn't seem to be getting insights. Can't remember more details. Could have kept going, but it was unpleasant and I knew I needed sleep for work tomorrow.
Mind kept noting; had difficult time falling back to sleep.
Dreamt I was at the World Orienteering Champs with Eric. We were staying together in a room in a house. Our interactions were unusual and a bit uncomfortable. Eventually Eric told me that he'd lost his interest and attraction for me. I was shocked and said, "Really!!!" and nothing more -- it was understood that this was the end of our partnership. I was sharply sad, but immediately began thinking of one benefit after another, and soon felt happiness and relief. After that I could see that our lives were already beginning to diverge, although we still shared the room in a friendly way. After some time I became aware that this was a dream and that Eric had never said any such thing to me, and I felt deeply disappointed.
1:25 pm Pain in right jaw, tension at right shoulder/neck, stronger than usual throbbing & pulsing. Uncomfortable. Hard to work.
3:10 am Half hour seated noting. Attention was more precise than when lying down. Other than that, experience was similar to above. Didn't seem to be getting insights. Can't remember more details. Could have kept going, but it was unpleasant and I knew I needed sleep for work tomorrow.
Mind kept noting; had difficult time falling back to sleep.
Dreamt I was at the World Orienteering Champs with Eric. We were staying together in a room in a house. Our interactions were unusual and a bit uncomfortable. Eventually Eric told me that he'd lost his interest and attraction for me. I was shocked and said, "Really!!!" and nothing more -- it was understood that this was the end of our partnership. I was sharply sad, but immediately began thinking of one benefit after another, and soon felt happiness and relief. After that I could see that our lives were already beginning to diverge, although we still shared the room in a friendly way. After some time I became aware that this was a dream and that Eric had never said any such thing to me, and I felt deeply disappointed.
1:25 pm Pain in right jaw, tension at right shoulder/neck, stronger than usual throbbing & pulsing. Uncomfortable. Hard to work.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Meditation log 07/29/12
9:20 45 minutes noting. Attention was precise -- mostly. For about 10 or 15 minutes toward the end, my mind was rehearsing for a phone call and organizing thoughts about the path of insight. But outside of that, I seemed to be gaining understanding of my experience to a finer level of detail. I didn't often notice, or note, pleasure. When I did, it was just a tiny experience sandwiched between two other experiences such as sadness or rocking or anything. At about the 12 minute mark I decided to extend and kick my legs to relieve my knees. Even more than before, I experienced and noted great resistance, sadness, and anguish at every increment of movement--actually (as I've experienced and logged before) beginning with just the idea of moving. The sadness and anguish was felt both in the legs and in the torso and throat. At other times, I noticed and noted sounds (hearing), then noticed an urge in the mind to make a story about the sound, then noticed something unrelated to the sound. I saw that my mind was behaving outside of habit--that these sounds would typically have been experienced as irritating, but were not today because the mind did not create the story. This was all on a very fine level--the stories that the mind was avoiding were not stories that I could tell in words.
Only a weak, uncertain impression of moving through nanas. It took maybe 30 seconds after I began meditating to feel locked in -- maybe I was going through the first 3 nanas and into the 4th? After that, the quality of my attention did not noticeably change. The meditation was not particularly enjoyable but also not particularly unpleasant.
Very lovely experience walking (and noting) to the home of a NEST member to help her with her computer, spending 2 hours with her, and walking/noting back home. Noted pleasure many, many times ... and, usually, noted sadness or anxiety immediately afterward. It was the loveliest of summer days.
15 minute phone conversation with Shaila. I asked if noting can be as powerful a technique as those taught by Pa Auk Sayadaw. She replied with an emphatic "yes".
6:30 pm 40 minutes noting with neighborhood sitting group. Quite difficult and unpleasant. Attention was not precise, sleepiness felt like a struggle, and I had RLS sensations. I kept experiencing unpleasantness and aversion but could not apply precise enough attention to penetrate the schmear of "this is really uncomfortable and I want it to stop". I felt like I wanted to go home immediately afterward, but the conversation was engaging and I enjoyed it.
Only a weak, uncertain impression of moving through nanas. It took maybe 30 seconds after I began meditating to feel locked in -- maybe I was going through the first 3 nanas and into the 4th? After that, the quality of my attention did not noticeably change. The meditation was not particularly enjoyable but also not particularly unpleasant.
Very lovely experience walking (and noting) to the home of a NEST member to help her with her computer, spending 2 hours with her, and walking/noting back home. Noted pleasure many, many times ... and, usually, noted sadness or anxiety immediately afterward. It was the loveliest of summer days.
15 minute phone conversation with Shaila. I asked if noting can be as powerful a technique as those taught by Pa Auk Sayadaw. She replied with an emphatic "yes".
6:30 pm 40 minutes noting with neighborhood sitting group. Quite difficult and unpleasant. Attention was not precise, sleepiness felt like a struggle, and I had RLS sensations. I kept experiencing unpleasantness and aversion but could not apply precise enough attention to penetrate the schmear of "this is really uncomfortable and I want it to stop". I felt like I wanted to go home immediately afterward, but the conversation was engaging and I enjoyed it.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Meditation log 07/28/12
6:40 am Awoke with usual feeling of dread. Applied strong effort to meditate while still lying down. Thought, "Maybe I can power myself into A&P." It seemed that I did, but the effort required to stay there seemed greater than the effort required to sit up. So I sat up!
6:50 am 20 minutes seated noting. Dread didn't evaporate immediately, but seemed to stick around: "anguish", "clinging", "fear", "aversion". When I noted "thinking" it seemed to trigger a cycle of anguish, clinging, fear, and aversion. This was a new, slightly more clear seeing into the tense tangle of emotion that appears when I note "thinking". This tangle included craving ... craving to reach freedom. I couldn't see what I was clinging to but it seemed heavy and dense and I wanted to let go.
I thought of something other than meditating that I wanted to get up and do, but the draw to do it was very weak and not tempting. I thought, "perhaps the reason I don't have much trouble meditating every day is that I can see clearly that I am between a rock and a hard place, that there is no other way out of my daily suffering."
7:40 am 70 minutes seated noting. I fairly quickly got into a state where I was so, so content to be meditating. This lasted the entire time. In fact, I was clinging to the act of meditating: the thought of quitting was followed by a contracting and clinging. I could see phenomena clearly. There were remarkable combinations of sadness and pleasure. It seemed that I was slowly but surely penetrating phenomena more deeply. I craved (and noted) deeper insight. Notes included sadness, sleepiness, craving, rocking (my body has been rocking non-rhythmically during meditation for a few weeks), expanding (in-breath), pulsing, tension, hearing, tingling, clinging. I was interrupted a couple of times and welcomed the interruptions as opportunities to observe my mind outside of formal meditation (but while the mind was still somewhat agile). Eric came in the room and we conversed about his progress preparing today's event. I remembered I'd turned the sound off on my phone and reached to turn it on.
9:15 Sat for another 30 minutes. Similar. At one point, chose to extend my legs (to relieve my knees). So much resistance, so much sadness and anguish as I moved the legs! Each inch brought a new wave of anguish (sadness, contraction, craving) and the leg jerked as I needed to make a new intention and a new effort for the next inch. As in previous sit, interesting mixes of sadness, pleasure, and even a hint of joy (at doing what I want to do). Perhaps throughout the sit, but certainly at the end during/after moving the legs, strong contraction in the right torso/throat. Some spaciousness appeared when I directed attention there. The sadness upon moving: to what extent is it related to the fear of taking action in the wide world? Psychotherapy has given me the sense that fear of taking action is rooted in the fear of separation from mother. My intuition is that all of these things are tied together. Seeing into these things is wonderful.
Did 7-hour Seattle Night & Day Street Scramble race with Zarina. No strong enjoyment nor strong suffering. I just did it. Once or twice I did a tiny bit of noting and saw that it created a more vivid experience; by contrast I could see that when I wasn't noting my experience was flat and schmeared together by story and mood. But it took too much effort to note while also navigating and interacting with Zarina.
6:50 am 20 minutes seated noting. Dread didn't evaporate immediately, but seemed to stick around: "anguish", "clinging", "fear", "aversion". When I noted "thinking" it seemed to trigger a cycle of anguish, clinging, fear, and aversion. This was a new, slightly more clear seeing into the tense tangle of emotion that appears when I note "thinking". This tangle included craving ... craving to reach freedom. I couldn't see what I was clinging to but it seemed heavy and dense and I wanted to let go.
I thought of something other than meditating that I wanted to get up and do, but the draw to do it was very weak and not tempting. I thought, "perhaps the reason I don't have much trouble meditating every day is that I can see clearly that I am between a rock and a hard place, that there is no other way out of my daily suffering."
7:40 am 70 minutes seated noting. I fairly quickly got into a state where I was so, so content to be meditating. This lasted the entire time. In fact, I was clinging to the act of meditating: the thought of quitting was followed by a contracting and clinging. I could see phenomena clearly. There were remarkable combinations of sadness and pleasure. It seemed that I was slowly but surely penetrating phenomena more deeply. I craved (and noted) deeper insight. Notes included sadness, sleepiness, craving, rocking (my body has been rocking non-rhythmically during meditation for a few weeks), expanding (in-breath), pulsing, tension, hearing, tingling, clinging. I was interrupted a couple of times and welcomed the interruptions as opportunities to observe my mind outside of formal meditation (but while the mind was still somewhat agile). Eric came in the room and we conversed about his progress preparing today's event. I remembered I'd turned the sound off on my phone and reached to turn it on.
9:15 Sat for another 30 minutes. Similar. At one point, chose to extend my legs (to relieve my knees). So much resistance, so much sadness and anguish as I moved the legs! Each inch brought a new wave of anguish (sadness, contraction, craving) and the leg jerked as I needed to make a new intention and a new effort for the next inch. As in previous sit, interesting mixes of sadness, pleasure, and even a hint of joy (at doing what I want to do). Perhaps throughout the sit, but certainly at the end during/after moving the legs, strong contraction in the right torso/throat. Some spaciousness appeared when I directed attention there. The sadness upon moving: to what extent is it related to the fear of taking action in the wide world? Psychotherapy has given me the sense that fear of taking action is rooted in the fear of separation from mother. My intuition is that all of these things are tied together. Seeing into these things is wonderful.
Did 7-hour Seattle Night & Day Street Scramble race with Zarina. No strong enjoyment nor strong suffering. I just did it. Once or twice I did a tiny bit of noting and saw that it created a more vivid experience; by contrast I could see that when I wasn't noting my experience was flat and schmeared together by story and mood. But it took too much effort to note while also navigating and interacting with Zarina.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Meditation log 07/27/12
7:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. Wasn't going to sit this morning, but I felt a lot of anxiety getting ready for work. It took a while for that anxiety to become abstracted into sensation after I began sitting. I wondered if I was starting the sit in a pre-A&P nana. The last half or more of the sit was very, very pleasant. Lots of physical pleasure, some joy, and a sense of just abiding peacefully in the midst of everything, even though there was sometimes a lot of thinking and planning and also unpleasant reactivity to hearing Eric cough. When I noticed the thinking and planning I felt so happy to let go of it. Still feel the pleasure and joy.
Noted joy occasionally during walk to work.
12:40 45 minutes seated noting (last 1/2 hour with group at work). Felt like I was in the A&P as soon as I sat down. A lot of pleasure and excitement. At times I was inclined to just feel the pleasure, but I had thoughts that it would be more productive to investigate it, and at other times I just felt tired of pleasure/excitement and <i>wanted</i> to see it more deeply. I never felt like I was "abiding [peacefully or not] in the midst of everything"; I always felt like experience was a bit outside of my center. We had an engaging discussion about meditation after the bell rang, which unfortunately caused me to forget most of the details about my sitting. I like that I am able to ask specific questions ("Do you feel more refreshed and productive after meditation? Are there certain characteristics of a meditation session that are predictive of that effect?") and thus stimulate discussion that is precise.
Noted joy occasionally during walk to work.
12:40 45 minutes seated noting (last 1/2 hour with group at work). Felt like I was in the A&P as soon as I sat down. A lot of pleasure and excitement. At times I was inclined to just feel the pleasure, but I had thoughts that it would be more productive to investigate it, and at other times I just felt tired of pleasure/excitement and <i>wanted</i> to see it more deeply. I never felt like I was "abiding [peacefully or not] in the midst of everything"; I always felt like experience was a bit outside of my center. We had an engaging discussion about meditation after the bell rang, which unfortunately caused me to forget most of the details about my sitting. I like that I am able to ask specific questions ("Do you feel more refreshed and productive after meditation? Are there certain characteristics of a meditation session that are predictive of that effect?") and thus stimulate discussion that is precise.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Meditation log 07/26/12
In the middle of the night I awoke and meditated lying down, as I used to do in December/January. It was easy to pay attention, and thinking was at a low level. I experienced a remarkable level of aversion. I had a lot of itching and RLS sensations, and any movement, sound, or smell coming from Eric beside me triggered aversion. I had never experienced this before. I wondered if this was an experience of disgust. I kept practicing and vaguely hoping that this phase would pass, but it did not. Eventually I decided to go back to sleep.
5:30 am 20 or 40 minutes noting. It was fairly unpleasant. The entire time I experienced sensations associated with an ongoing emotional interaction with Eric: anger, sadness, fear, aversion.
7:45 am Walking from car to office, noted joy a few times. This is the first time I've ever noted joy!
5:30 am 20 or 40 minutes noting. It was fairly unpleasant. The entire time I experienced sensations associated with an ongoing emotional interaction with Eric: anger, sadness, fear, aversion.
7:45 am Walking from car to office, noted joy a few times. This is the first time I've ever noted joy!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Meditation log 07/25/12
7:15 a.m. Set timer for 20 minutes, but stayed another 5 because it was so pleasant. Sure seemed that I went from A&P to dukkha to equanimity. This sitting seemed to fit the definition of equanimity more than any sitting I've previously had. I shifted from having many thoughts and feeling like I was battling them, to having very few and wispy thoughts, sometimes noting pleasure, and frequently noting "peace". It felt spacious. Common notes were tingling, craving (there was still craving for attainment, for a cessation), thinking, hearing, tingling, pleasure, expanding (in-breath), releasing (out-breath), hearing. Would love to have continued.
This moment, as I write, I simultaneously feel a lot of pleasure and a lot of aversion (towards anger triggered by the sound of Eric eating cereal in the other room).
As I did yesterday (but didn't log), making it a firm priority today to attend to my emotions regarding work. As yesterday, noticed terror about approaching work and the workplace. I view it as a place of chaos and potential arbitrary punishment. As I wrote to A in a letter yesterday, "I arrive at work every day feeling nervous, energized, optimistic -- I leave every day feeling depleted, shut down, ashamed ... As I walked to work I saw that I felt very childlike and scared -- and that I viewed my work as a place where I was given impossibly complicated challenges, no time or support to complete them successfully, and threat of severe punishment if I fail. And it was clear that this view of work is an echo of un-remembered childhood experiences." I see the same today. It is already a success that now, 20 minutes after arrival and having embarked upon a work task, I am still aware of the fear.
Still feeling a lot of pleasure.
3:30 pm Not much formal meditation today, but great success at noticing fear and aversion at work, and giving space to those emotions (rather than suppressing them or allowing them to snowball).
Beth sent a reassuring email saying that not everyone notices cessations after stream entry.
Evening: three emotional hours with Eric. Another employee quit. He was very angry. I reacted. Finally, we talked.
30 minutes noting before bed.
This moment, as I write, I simultaneously feel a lot of pleasure and a lot of aversion (towards anger triggered by the sound of Eric eating cereal in the other room).
As I did yesterday (but didn't log), making it a firm priority today to attend to my emotions regarding work. As yesterday, noticed terror about approaching work and the workplace. I view it as a place of chaos and potential arbitrary punishment. As I wrote to A in a letter yesterday, "I arrive at work every day feeling nervous, energized, optimistic -- I leave every day feeling depleted, shut down, ashamed ... As I walked to work I saw that I felt very childlike and scared -- and that I viewed my work as a place where I was given impossibly complicated challenges, no time or support to complete them successfully, and threat of severe punishment if I fail. And it was clear that this view of work is an echo of un-remembered childhood experiences." I see the same today. It is already a success that now, 20 minutes after arrival and having embarked upon a work task, I am still aware of the fear.
Still feeling a lot of pleasure.
3:30 pm Not much formal meditation today, but great success at noticing fear and aversion at work, and giving space to those emotions (rather than suppressing them or allowing them to snowball).
Beth sent a reassuring email saying that not everyone notices cessations after stream entry.
Evening: three emotional hours with Eric. Another employee quit. He was very angry. I reacted. Finally, we talked.
30 minutes noting before bed.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Meditation log 07/24/12
5am One hour noting. Can't remember what it was like. I think it was similar to other sits in recent days.
1:10 pm Twelve minutes noting.
6:40 pm 40 minutes noting at sangha gathering. Irritated by recurring stream of thoughts about whether I've attained stream entry and what I should say about it to people. Noted thinking, aversion. Similar to other sits in recent days, started sit in what I've been calling A&P, where I snap to attention upon intending to meditate. After a little bit, experienced aversion toward thinking and toward emotions connected with tight waistband ("I'm fat!"), but then after another little bit, the fat aversion faded. Toward middle of sitting, reached a state where I wasn't noting much (or maybe even not noting anything) because phenomena just weren't coming strongly to my attention, but I wasn't dozing, either. I would say it was a peaceful state, with little thought. When I noticed that I was in this state, I asked myself whether I was "slipping into samadhi". Slipping into samadhi seems like a no-no during insight practice, so I started looking for things to note. This was less peaceful, though, and led to more thinking. It still seemed to me that I was in a relatively peaceful state, though, so I occasionally noted "peace", and thought of Beth's voice saying "peace" as I did so.
1:10 pm Twelve minutes noting.
6:40 pm 40 minutes noting at sangha gathering. Irritated by recurring stream of thoughts about whether I've attained stream entry and what I should say about it to people. Noted thinking, aversion. Similar to other sits in recent days, started sit in what I've been calling A&P, where I snap to attention upon intending to meditate. After a little bit, experienced aversion toward thinking and toward emotions connected with tight waistband ("I'm fat!"), but then after another little bit, the fat aversion faded. Toward middle of sitting, reached a state where I wasn't noting much (or maybe even not noting anything) because phenomena just weren't coming strongly to my attention, but I wasn't dozing, either. I would say it was a peaceful state, with little thought. When I noticed that I was in this state, I asked myself whether I was "slipping into samadhi". Slipping into samadhi seems like a no-no during insight practice, so I started looking for things to note. This was less peaceful, though, and led to more thinking. It still seemed to me that I was in a relatively peaceful state, though, so I occasionally noted "peace", and thought of Beth's voice saying "peace" as I did so.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Meditation log 07/23/12
Some weird, uncomfortable things happened during the night that I tried hard to remember, but, sadly, I hardly remember them at all. Something about waking up from a dream with a lot of aversion, then staying awake for a while and maybe meditating without trying, then developing a lot of aversion and/or knee & elbow pain, then falling back asleep.
In session with Trip: Wanted to tell him about stream entry, but found it more important to observe the emotions around anticipating this disclosure. Found that when I imagined disclosing, I also imagined immediately defending myself from a resulting attack. Then, spent 25 minutes following inclinations. Sleepily curled into semi-fetal, felt urges/sensations that seemed from infancy, relaxed and sighed. Then, very gradually, noticed fear of threat coming from right. First inclination was to retreat and passively receive. Then, inclination appeared to turn toward attack and adopt a defensive stance. Very slow motion. Session ended before cycle felt complete.
Sights and sounds are vivid and sensual. Not nearly as intensely as with ecstasy (MDMA), but distinctly and delightfully more so than they've been almost my entire adult life. I feel sounds throughout my body.
3:45 An hour of seated noting. Again -- first, what I've lately been calling A&P, then what I've been calling equanimity ... and then, for probably the latter 40 minutes, a lot of drifting in and out of sleepiness. It's funny, often when I drift into actual sleep, my noting will drift into a sentence or phrase spoken within the dream. As in, "hearing ... expanding ... coolness ... you only have to close the door once [sudden realization I'm dreaming]. Not much pleasure or unpleasantness, not much craving or aversion.
Feeling a little cranky today about the fact that I'm uncertain whether I experienced stream entry. I don't feel lighter, my mind seems to work the same (except for the heightened sensuality), and I'm not getting any more fruitions. Grumble, grumble! :-)
In session with Trip: Wanted to tell him about stream entry, but found it more important to observe the emotions around anticipating this disclosure. Found that when I imagined disclosing, I also imagined immediately defending myself from a resulting attack. Then, spent 25 minutes following inclinations. Sleepily curled into semi-fetal, felt urges/sensations that seemed from infancy, relaxed and sighed. Then, very gradually, noticed fear of threat coming from right. First inclination was to retreat and passively receive. Then, inclination appeared to turn toward attack and adopt a defensive stance. Very slow motion. Session ended before cycle felt complete.
Sights and sounds are vivid and sensual. Not nearly as intensely as with ecstasy (MDMA), but distinctly and delightfully more so than they've been almost my entire adult life. I feel sounds throughout my body.
3:45 An hour of seated noting. Again -- first, what I've lately been calling A&P, then what I've been calling equanimity ... and then, for probably the latter 40 minutes, a lot of drifting in and out of sleepiness. It's funny, often when I drift into actual sleep, my noting will drift into a sentence or phrase spoken within the dream. As in, "hearing ... expanding ... coolness ... you only have to close the door once [sudden realization I'm dreaming]. Not much pleasure or unpleasantness, not much craving or aversion.
Feeling a little cranky today about the fact that I'm uncertain whether I experienced stream entry. I don't feel lighter, my mind seems to work the same (except for the heightened sensuality), and I'm not getting any more fruitions. Grumble, grumble! :-)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Meditation log 07/22/12
7:20am One hour seated noting. A lot of thinking. Almost nothing unpleasant; didn't once notice tension on right side of body. My view of my meditation experience is now colored by my conversation with Beth yesterday; thus, what I describe now, I would not have described in the same words 24 hours ago. When I sat to meditate, I immediately snapped into what I've casually been thinking of as "the meditative state". This is the same state I used to snap into during the late autumn when I'd awaken in the middle of the night. Maybe this is the A&P; Beth said that in "review stage A", according to Kenneth's understanding, one immediately is in the A&P upon beginning a sit. As I meditated, I was interested in how my experience matched the stages of insight. I didn't notice being in any dukkha nanas, but after maybe 10-20 minutes I was in the state which Beth said yesterday sounded like equanimity, where I was "solidly present within my experience". This state seemed fragile, though, and I felt like I faded in and out of that solid presence, and could reinforce the state by applying effort and diligently noting, then releasing, everything that came to my attention, especially thinking. No sleepiness, but frequent craving (for the session to be over, for further attainment) and aversion (to the tedium of my experience). Kicked legs for a while once during the sitting; no associated sadness this time. My thinking was mostly about the notion that I have attained stream entry, wondering what to tell people, and reviewing my experiences since the possible stream entry experience to see if something has indeed changed.
Told Z about possible stream entry experience. She was very interested and affirming. We went orienteering together. I felt euphoric and excited, but in the middle of the orienteering the excitement had become irritating. I soothed myself somewhat by noting the different aspects of the excitement, but I couldn't do it very well while orienteering.
3pm lay down for a nap. Began by noting. Except during late fall & early winter when I seemed to be in A&P, I generally find it impossible to keep good attention while lying down. This time I put in a lot of effort, but I still couldn't do it. Finally drifted off to sleep.
6:30 pm 40 minutes noting with sitting group at Janet's. Following above categorization, I started immediately in A&P, maybe was in the dukkha nanas for a minute or two during which I noted aversion to some physical sensations, then moved into equanimity at maybe the 10 minute point ... then, shifted into a slightly different zone where I felt a little less connected with sensory stimuli, somewhat secluded in a quieter interior world, still noting but occasionally not finding anything to note, and feeling a lot of pleasure, more pleasure than I've ever felt during noting practice since I started it a few months ago.
Shared news about possible stream entry with others at sitting group; it was just J and W and Z. J and W were attentive and interested but not noticeably impressed (J said, "I've experienced things like that."). This made sense and was expected, but still had the effect of dampening my confidence.
11pm 40 minutes noting before bed. I think the session began as my earlier sessions today began, with some time in A&P and some time in equanimity, but the second half of the meditation was filled with strong, continuous aversion. There was nothing in particular unpleasant that I could identify, yet I really wanted to quit meditating. This aversion was as strong or stronger than any aversion I'd felt during previous sessions of noting over the past few months. The aversion continued after I stopped meditating and lay down to sleep.
Told Z about possible stream entry experience. She was very interested and affirming. We went orienteering together. I felt euphoric and excited, but in the middle of the orienteering the excitement had become irritating. I soothed myself somewhat by noting the different aspects of the excitement, but I couldn't do it very well while orienteering.
3pm lay down for a nap. Began by noting. Except during late fall & early winter when I seemed to be in A&P, I generally find it impossible to keep good attention while lying down. This time I put in a lot of effort, but I still couldn't do it. Finally drifted off to sleep.
6:30 pm 40 minutes noting with sitting group at Janet's. Following above categorization, I started immediately in A&P, maybe was in the dukkha nanas for a minute or two during which I noted aversion to some physical sensations, then moved into equanimity at maybe the 10 minute point ... then, shifted into a slightly different zone where I felt a little less connected with sensory stimuli, somewhat secluded in a quieter interior world, still noting but occasionally not finding anything to note, and feeling a lot of pleasure, more pleasure than I've ever felt during noting practice since I started it a few months ago.
Shared news about possible stream entry with others at sitting group; it was just J and W and Z. J and W were attentive and interested but not noticeably impressed (J said, "I've experienced things like that."). This made sense and was expected, but still had the effect of dampening my confidence.
11pm 40 minutes noting before bed. I think the session began as my earlier sessions today began, with some time in A&P and some time in equanimity, but the second half of the meditation was filled with strong, continuous aversion. There was nothing in particular unpleasant that I could identify, yet I really wanted to quit meditating. This aversion was as strong or stronger than any aversion I'd felt during previous sessions of noting over the past few months. The aversion continued after I stopped meditating and lay down to sleep.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Meditation log 07/21/12
6:45am One hour seated whispered noting. Initially, my mind was busy chewing over some sad news I'd just received, and making plans to move forward. Thinking, clinging, craving. I noted tension in the right throat/torso related to this news, and aversion to the tension. Just a couple minutes into the sitting I did "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds" three times to let go of some of this tension, but I didn't note that I was doing it because it seemed complicated and hard to do so, and would have required even more thinking. The relaxing helped somewhat, but I still had (and noted) thinking, sadness, tension, aversion. Instead of alternating 5 minutes of leg motion with 5 minutes of stillness, I just, every 10 minutes or so, remembered to move my legs (remembering), intended to move them (intending)[didn't actually note remembering/intending but write them here as note to self for future] -- and, then, immediately felt sadness to the point of almost weeping. I would then kick my legs back and forth for about a minute (moving, rubbing, stretching) and found this pleasant (pleasure) at the same time that I continued to feel sad (sadness). I was somewhat averse to the sadness but didn't think to note it. I was content to meditate today and was not anxious for the period to be over.
Curious that I would feel sadness simply at the thought of moving my body.
9am Meditated while pretending to listen to proteomics talks. I had good concentration, given the circumstances. I was noting 'shame' and "aversion" a lot for a general "bad" feeling in my belly, some combination of physical and mental phenomena. Then after 20 or 30 minutes I switched out of noting and into simply directing loving attention to the area. Gradually, the physical and mental became distinct, and I could see that the mental was an idea that I was bad and would be punished somehow with regard to my belly. The tightness of the shame loosened a little.
3pm Met with Beth Resnick-Folk. She said, "It seems like things have been quite interesting lately. On July 13 you wrote about a sense of dropping with nothing to hold onto. I think that might have been stream entry." Wow, could it really? It was indeed extraordinary, but it seemed I retained my sense of self throughout the (two seconds of) that experience. And my experience of living doesn't feel distinctly different since then. I still awaken in the morning with anxiety, still feel depleted at the end of the work day, still am so protective of my ego that I hold myself back from many, many bold actions simply because they might, just might, result in somebody saying some little thing that might hurt. Nevertheless, I enjoy that Beth thinks I may have attained stream entry, and just spent a half hour re-reading my blog (as she predicted I would) and also reading about stream entry on Kenneth's site. I asked Beth whether I should do anything different to take advantage of the review stage. She said no. In particular, she said that making resolutions can backfire, so she doesn't recommend it.
4:45 pm Set timer for one hour, but stopped after 30 minutes because I remembered I need a nap before going to the theater tonight. Whispered noting. Kicked legs; associated sadness was much less than earlier today. Thinking related to meeting with Beth. Some tension in right side, but kind of rounded and not terribly unpleasant. Sleepiness, pleasure, expanding, pressure, aversion, tingling, pulsing, hunger, rocking, craving.
Midnight: 40 minutes noting before sleeping. Meditation felt urgent; I really wanted to do it. I partly wanted to see whether my meditation experience now would support the hypothesis that I've attained stream entry. I wanted to see whether I'd have further cessation experiences. I didn't.
During the early part of the night I had a vivid dream where I was making diligent effort toward further attainments. In the dream there was something like magic particles that I harnessed, and I had a buddy who may have been Zarina whom I was trying to bring along with me. There was a sense of adventure and excitement and achievement, and toward the end of the dream I or we had indeed attained the second thing! I was full of joy. I awakened in a state of mild bliss with mild visual effects (swirling grid patterns and others). I sometimes relaxed into the bliss, sometimes noted the sensations (though lazily), and sometimes tested the bliss by bringing a disturbing thought into my mind. The disturbing thoughts were more intensely disturbing than normal. I was reminded of ecstasy experiences. After some time, the bliss degraded into something kind of unpleasant, and I went back to sleep.
Curious that I would feel sadness simply at the thought of moving my body.
9am Meditated while pretending to listen to proteomics talks. I had good concentration, given the circumstances. I was noting 'shame' and "aversion" a lot for a general "bad" feeling in my belly, some combination of physical and mental phenomena. Then after 20 or 30 minutes I switched out of noting and into simply directing loving attention to the area. Gradually, the physical and mental became distinct, and I could see that the mental was an idea that I was bad and would be punished somehow with regard to my belly. The tightness of the shame loosened a little.
3pm Met with Beth Resnick-Folk. She said, "It seems like things have been quite interesting lately. On July 13 you wrote about a sense of dropping with nothing to hold onto. I think that might have been stream entry." Wow, could it really? It was indeed extraordinary, but it seemed I retained my sense of self throughout the (two seconds of) that experience. And my experience of living doesn't feel distinctly different since then. I still awaken in the morning with anxiety, still feel depleted at the end of the work day, still am so protective of my ego that I hold myself back from many, many bold actions simply because they might, just might, result in somebody saying some little thing that might hurt. Nevertheless, I enjoy that Beth thinks I may have attained stream entry, and just spent a half hour re-reading my blog (as she predicted I would) and also reading about stream entry on Kenneth's site. I asked Beth whether I should do anything different to take advantage of the review stage. She said no. In particular, she said that making resolutions can backfire, so she doesn't recommend it.
4:45 pm Set timer for one hour, but stopped after 30 minutes because I remembered I need a nap before going to the theater tonight. Whispered noting. Kicked legs; associated sadness was much less than earlier today. Thinking related to meeting with Beth. Some tension in right side, but kind of rounded and not terribly unpleasant. Sleepiness, pleasure, expanding, pressure, aversion, tingling, pulsing, hunger, rocking, craving.
Midnight: 40 minutes noting before sleeping. Meditation felt urgent; I really wanted to do it. I partly wanted to see whether my meditation experience now would support the hypothesis that I've attained stream entry. I wanted to see whether I'd have further cessation experiences. I didn't.
During the early part of the night I had a vivid dream where I was making diligent effort toward further attainments. In the dream there was something like magic particles that I harnessed, and I had a buddy who may have been Zarina whom I was trying to bring along with me. There was a sense of adventure and excitement and achievement, and toward the end of the dream I or we had indeed attained the second thing! I was full of joy. I awakened in a state of mild bliss with mild visual effects (swirling grid patterns and others). I sometimes relaxed into the bliss, sometimes noted the sensations (though lazily), and sometimes tested the bliss by bringing a disturbing thought into my mind. The disturbing thoughts were more intensely disturbing than normal. I was reminded of ecstasy experiences. After some time, the bliss degraded into something kind of unpleasant, and I went back to sleep.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Meditating in the presence of distraction
A friend and blog follower asked how I meditate on the bus. "How do you let go enough but still be aware of when to get off, not worry about someone stealing your stuff, shutting out all the noise of the city, etc.?"
Meditation on the bus does not allow me to go as deep as meditation in a more pristine environment. If I am doing insight practice, such as noting, I am not able to observe phenomena in as fine detail. If I am doing a concentration practice, I do not become as deeply absorbed in my object of concentration.
It is not necessary to shut out the noise of the city. This noise just becomes part of the phenomena observed. I don't worry about people stealing my stuff; I just hold onto it. On the other hand, thinking about when to get off is indeed a distraction. Another distraction is the need to respond physically to the motion of the bus as it turns, accelerates, and decelerates.
The main reason I meditate on the bus, or anywhere in the midst of daily life, is that it is better than letting the mind wander in an undisciplined fashion. It is training the mind to pay attention, and un-training the mind to wander. When I have something specific to think about on the bus, such as a work problem, or scheduling, I will do that instead of meditating. It's remarkable.
Meditation on the bus does not allow me to go as deep as meditation in a more pristine environment. If I am doing insight practice, such as noting, I am not able to observe phenomena in as fine detail. If I am doing a concentration practice, I do not become as deeply absorbed in my object of concentration.
It is not necessary to shut out the noise of the city. This noise just becomes part of the phenomena observed. I don't worry about people stealing my stuff; I just hold onto it. On the other hand, thinking about when to get off is indeed a distraction. Another distraction is the need to respond physically to the motion of the bus as it turns, accelerates, and decelerates.
The main reason I meditate on the bus, or anywhere in the midst of daily life, is that it is better than letting the mind wander in an undisciplined fashion. It is training the mind to pay attention, and un-training the mind to wander. When I have something specific to think about on the bus, such as a work problem, or scheduling, I will do that instead of meditating. It's remarkable.
Meditation log 07/20/12
During sleep, awoke slightly from time to time and automatically meditated, automatically put my attention on phenomena. Sometimes had a sense of trying to shed the sense of self, but knowing that such an effort was unlikely to lead to my goal.
6:10 am 20 minutes seated noting. Again, although there were unpleasant sensations today, the meditation seemed crisp and easy, and I didn't want to stop. There was little or no aversion. Again, I noticed, and tried my best to note, bundles of sensation that I couldn't discern as being pleasant/unpleasant or physical/mental. They were emotion-like, but didn't match the common emotions. I used notes tingling, pressure, pulsing, and sometimes just a silent "mm" or "uh".
8:06 am 20 minutes noting on the bus. Similar to above, but with some pleasure.
Pleasure at work.
1:00 30 minutes noting with my work meditation group. Similar to morning session, but more, bigger, juicier sensations. They would start in my right kneecap with RLS-like tinglings: "tingling". Then a bundle of sensation: sadness, craving, pleasure, hunger, rocking (body would sway and rock), expanding (inhale). Then, increasingly, sexual pleasure in the genitals. Sleepiness seems to contain an element of craving; I think perhaps it always had, but previously I couldn't discern it. So past few days I've often noted "craving" instead of sleepiness.
Skype with Eric in Switzerland. He was feeling overwhelmed by work, and, as he described it to me in detail, I responded with a lot of very unpleasant tension, almost as though I were being personally attacked.
6:10 am 20 minutes seated noting. Again, although there were unpleasant sensations today, the meditation seemed crisp and easy, and I didn't want to stop. There was little or no aversion. Again, I noticed, and tried my best to note, bundles of sensation that I couldn't discern as being pleasant/unpleasant or physical/mental. They were emotion-like, but didn't match the common emotions. I used notes tingling, pressure, pulsing, and sometimes just a silent "mm" or "uh".
8:06 am 20 minutes noting on the bus. Similar to above, but with some pleasure.
Pleasure at work.
1:00 30 minutes noting with my work meditation group. Similar to morning session, but more, bigger, juicier sensations. They would start in my right kneecap with RLS-like tinglings: "tingling". Then a bundle of sensation: sadness, craving, pleasure, hunger, rocking (body would sway and rock), expanding (inhale). Then, increasingly, sexual pleasure in the genitals. Sleepiness seems to contain an element of craving; I think perhaps it always had, but previously I couldn't discern it. So past few days I've often noted "craving" instead of sleepiness.
Skype with Eric in Switzerland. He was feeling overwhelmed by work, and, as he described it to me in detail, I responded with a lot of very unpleasant tension, almost as though I were being personally attacked.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Meditation log 07/19/12
7am 30 minutes seated noting. Every 5 minutes I switched from stationary sitting, to kicking my feet back and forth gently, and back to stationary. Today I found the entire thing fine; I didn't dislike it nor wish for it to end. I noted pleasure occasionally and tried a little to notice what came immediately afterward. It was usually sadness, anger, or anxiety. The legs kicking back and forth triggered some sensual pleasure. The kicking seemed like a nice intermediate between stationary sitting and more vigorous activity, such as walking. Intermediate in terms of the amount of sensory stimulation and the amount of intentional activity. Stationary sitting involves little sensory stimulation and intentional activity, and thus allows the noticing of more subtle mental phenomena. It is difficult to note intentional activity, because by nature it involves the self. I'm sure there is a more accurate way to state that.
I am wondering when I will be able to meditate again today. There is work, and then I have a guest tonight. Since I must stay at work until 7:30 for a conference, perhaps I can justify taking an hour for meditation before the conference.
3:45 Skipped out of the proteomics symposium for an hour of seated noting in the nap room. Even though there was occasional aversion, the meditation seemed easy and precise, and I didn't desire to stop. Possibly influenced by caffeine in chocolate consumed an hour earlier. On about 3 occasions I spent a minute or two lifting my calves to horizontal (I was in a chair) and lowering them. I drifted into sleepy states, and in these states I found myself experiencing complex sensations that I didn't know how to name; I wasn't sure if they were pleasant/unpleasant or even mental/physical. My reactions to noises were very visceral; I was aware of the reaction before I was aware of the sound. Thus, "anger", "hearing". There were some lingering smells to which I noted aversion.
Over previous 48 hours, developed notion that I'd like to hook up with someone this weekend, maybe from the symposium. Tried interacting with a few different attractive people during the noshing hour, but didn't get anywhere and was quite conscious of potential negative repercussions. Feeling the same general, undirected sexual desire I often feel at the beginning of February, which I usually call "spring fever".
Noted on bus ride home and during a bit of sitting before sleep.
I am wondering when I will be able to meditate again today. There is work, and then I have a guest tonight. Since I must stay at work until 7:30 for a conference, perhaps I can justify taking an hour for meditation before the conference.
3:45 Skipped out of the proteomics symposium for an hour of seated noting in the nap room. Even though there was occasional aversion, the meditation seemed easy and precise, and I didn't desire to stop. Possibly influenced by caffeine in chocolate consumed an hour earlier. On about 3 occasions I spent a minute or two lifting my calves to horizontal (I was in a chair) and lowering them. I drifted into sleepy states, and in these states I found myself experiencing complex sensations that I didn't know how to name; I wasn't sure if they were pleasant/unpleasant or even mental/physical. My reactions to noises were very visceral; I was aware of the reaction before I was aware of the sound. Thus, "anger", "hearing". There were some lingering smells to which I noted aversion.
Over previous 48 hours, developed notion that I'd like to hook up with someone this weekend, maybe from the symposium. Tried interacting with a few different attractive people during the noshing hour, but didn't get anywhere and was quite conscious of potential negative repercussions. Feeling the same general, undirected sexual desire I often feel at the beginning of February, which I usually call "spring fever".
Noted on bus ride home and during a bit of sitting before sleep.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Meditation log 07/18/12
Yesterday I saw Betsy, my physical therapist, about my knees, which have been feeling not right for several weeks. She had no specific diagnosis, but did say that joints like to move, and that seated meditation could possibly be counter to my knee health. She suggested occasionally extending my legs during meditation.
Awoke today with lots of anxiety. Wanted to doze, but preferred to meditate so as to (a) disembed from the anxiety, and (b) keep up the meditation momentum, after two days of little meditation.
6:15 a.m. First, 30 minutes seated meditation, occasionally spending some time extending and bending my legs continuously. Then, set timer to make a sound at 10 minute intervals, and did another hour where, for 10 minutes, I sat still, and for 10 minutes, I extended/bent my knees continuously. I resisted doing the leg motion; preferred sitting still. Meditation was unpleasant. There were emotional states that were unpleasant but I couldn't name them. Sleepiness included craving to sleep. Noted sleepiness, craving, aversion, rocking (I had a lot of head rocking the first 30 minutes), rubbing (legs rubbing), extending (legs), contact, breeze (breath), sadness, aversion, aversion, thinking, aversion (to noticing thinking), aversion (unknown trigger), hearing, craving (for session to be over), expanding (breathing), rocking, nausea (best word I could think of for unpleasant head/throat pulsings), aversion, sleepiness, craving, pulsing ...
Awoke today with lots of anxiety. Wanted to doze, but preferred to meditate so as to (a) disembed from the anxiety, and (b) keep up the meditation momentum, after two days of little meditation.
6:15 a.m. First, 30 minutes seated meditation, occasionally spending some time extending and bending my legs continuously. Then, set timer to make a sound at 10 minute intervals, and did another hour where, for 10 minutes, I sat still, and for 10 minutes, I extended/bent my knees continuously. I resisted doing the leg motion; preferred sitting still. Meditation was unpleasant. There were emotional states that were unpleasant but I couldn't name them. Sleepiness included craving to sleep. Noted sleepiness, craving, aversion, rocking (I had a lot of head rocking the first 30 minutes), rubbing (legs rubbing), extending (legs), contact, breeze (breath), sadness, aversion, aversion, thinking, aversion (to noticing thinking), aversion (unknown trigger), hearing, craving (for session to be over), expanding (breathing), rocking, nausea (best word I could think of for unpleasant head/throat pulsings), aversion, sleepiness, craving, pulsing ...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Meditation log 07/17/12
During the night, slept somewhat lightly and periodically, during times of semi-wakefulness, delightedly noticed disidentification with what my body was doing.
Didn't make time to meditate this morning, either.
An innocuous remark made by my housemate this morning sent me into feelings of sadness and anger, which shifted to panic and despair when I wondered whether to share these feelings with P, whom I was about to see: she is just close enough that I don't want to wear a mask always, but not close enough that I feel safe about sharing. Ended up off the hook; didn't need to spend time with P after all.
From then (7:30am) until now (10:12am) I have felt joyously sensitive to all around me: sights, sounds, smells ... emotions, as I talked to Eric over skype. Did noting practice on bus/walk to work. Usually when I noted pleasure, calm, or joy, I next noticed (and tried to note) fear, anxiety, or holding/tensing. I'm really afraid of joy! This flavor of joyous sensitivity is new in my adult life.
By end of work day I felt yukky and unhappy about work. Curious, because I had a reasonably productive work day.
5:45 20 minutes noting on bus
7pm Physical therapy session for knee. It was pleasant to have Betsy manipulate my body.
At home, read newspaper, did the Jumble puzzle with Mom on the phone, ate popcorn, read Facebook.
10pm 20 minutes noting in bed before sleep.
Knees hurt frequently during the night, more than ever before.
Didn't make time to meditate this morning, either.
An innocuous remark made by my housemate this morning sent me into feelings of sadness and anger, which shifted to panic and despair when I wondered whether to share these feelings with P, whom I was about to see: she is just close enough that I don't want to wear a mask always, but not close enough that I feel safe about sharing. Ended up off the hook; didn't need to spend time with P after all.
From then (7:30am) until now (10:12am) I have felt joyously sensitive to all around me: sights, sounds, smells ... emotions, as I talked to Eric over skype. Did noting practice on bus/walk to work. Usually when I noted pleasure, calm, or joy, I next noticed (and tried to note) fear, anxiety, or holding/tensing. I'm really afraid of joy! This flavor of joyous sensitivity is new in my adult life.
By end of work day I felt yukky and unhappy about work. Curious, because I had a reasonably productive work day.
5:45 20 minutes noting on bus
7pm Physical therapy session for knee. It was pleasant to have Betsy manipulate my body.
At home, read newspaper, did the Jumble puzzle with Mom on the phone, ate popcorn, read Facebook.
10pm 20 minutes noting in bed before sleep.
Knees hurt frequently during the night, more than ever before.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Meditation log 07/16/12
Didn't leave time to meditate this morning.
Walking to Trip's, I paused every once in a while and did relax-for-2-to-5-seconds.
On the bus to work, did some non-rigorous noting. I can't remember what the lack of rigor looked like, though. Maybe I was thinking about my psychotherapy session, or letting my head rock, or relaxing for 2 to 5 seconds. Actually, I was giving myself space to feel emotions and sensations that had come up during the session.
3pm: Sat in nap room with timer set for one hour. Noting. After a half hour, decided to nap.
My blog posts are getting an average of 2 or 3 page views, but it seems this might be me viewing my own pages.
Walking to Trip's, I paused every once in a while and did relax-for-2-to-5-seconds.
On the bus to work, did some non-rigorous noting. I can't remember what the lack of rigor looked like, though. Maybe I was thinking about my psychotherapy session, or letting my head rock, or relaxing for 2 to 5 seconds. Actually, I was giving myself space to feel emotions and sensations that had come up during the session.
3pm: Sat in nap room with timer set for one hour. Noting. After a half hour, decided to nap.
My blog posts are getting an average of 2 or 3 page views, but it seems this might be me viewing my own pages.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Meditation log 07/15/12
Today I am 52.5 years old!
Went to bed late last night after getting caffeinated on mint chip ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, and working hard to make our bedroom door work more quietly. Slept lightly; held notion that I was now in a state to experience pleasure easily; reached out to grasp pleasure and received it. Told a story that the "nothing to hold onto" experience of Friday was either stream entry or dropping into equanimity, and that now I have made it into the pleasure arena (subtext: permanently). Remembered that, wherever I am on the map, my job is to note pleasure dispassionately.
Awoke at 5 to "watch" Eric in the long quali at the World Orienteering Champs.
7:30 am 85 minutes seated noting. Quite unusual. Started with pleasure, excitement, excitement, excitement, pleasure, rocking, hearing, expanding, excitement, pleasure, excitement. Many sensations, hard to find names for them all. Wanted to penetrate the excitement, to disidentify with it. Eventually, excitement was noted less and less often, and yielded to sadness-sleepiness (almost always in that order), rocking (lots of head and torso rocking, not in rhythm), craving, craving, tingling, pleasure, craving, pressure, craving. Aversion to craving. Hunger. Wanted to end the session early and several times considered quitting, but chose to stick with it and look at the craving. It was tingling, pressure, sadness ... as I felt these things, the body rocked forward, and more bundles of difficult-to-name sensations came up. Eventually ended session 5 minutes early on pretext of needing to check email from a freecycler.
Now, after the session, still feel this excitement.
Spent the day making a salad, sitting at a festival booth, skyping Eric, and going to a garden party. The sense of excitement disappeared. Occasionally during the day I remembered to relax all my stories for 2 to 5 seconds. It's delightful!
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting ... but really, mostly dozing. At Janet's Sunday evening sitting group.
Went to bed late last night after getting caffeinated on mint chip ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, and working hard to make our bedroom door work more quietly. Slept lightly; held notion that I was now in a state to experience pleasure easily; reached out to grasp pleasure and received it. Told a story that the "nothing to hold onto" experience of Friday was either stream entry or dropping into equanimity, and that now I have made it into the pleasure arena (subtext: permanently). Remembered that, wherever I am on the map, my job is to note pleasure dispassionately.
Awoke at 5 to "watch" Eric in the long quali at the World Orienteering Champs.
7:30 am 85 minutes seated noting. Quite unusual. Started with pleasure, excitement, excitement, excitement, pleasure, rocking, hearing, expanding, excitement, pleasure, excitement. Many sensations, hard to find names for them all. Wanted to penetrate the excitement, to disidentify with it. Eventually, excitement was noted less and less often, and yielded to sadness-sleepiness (almost always in that order), rocking (lots of head and torso rocking, not in rhythm), craving, craving, tingling, pleasure, craving, pressure, craving. Aversion to craving. Hunger. Wanted to end the session early and several times considered quitting, but chose to stick with it and look at the craving. It was tingling, pressure, sadness ... as I felt these things, the body rocked forward, and more bundles of difficult-to-name sensations came up. Eventually ended session 5 minutes early on pretext of needing to check email from a freecycler.
Now, after the session, still feel this excitement.
Spent the day making a salad, sitting at a festival booth, skyping Eric, and going to a garden party. The sense of excitement disappeared. Occasionally during the day I remembered to relax all my stories for 2 to 5 seconds. It's delightful!
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting ... but really, mostly dozing. At Janet's Sunday evening sitting group.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Meditation log 07/14/12
It's hard for me to recall what's happened during my meditation sessions, especially if I don't write immediately afterward. Sometimes while I'm meditating I consider trying to imprint something about the session on my memory, so that I will remember it better later, but this is a non-meditative mental activity, so I mostly refrain.
I have the impression that during sleep my sense of self was coming loose, like a shell coming off of a snail or a turtle.
6am: Awoke naturally. Practiced Bentinho's "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds" exercise over and over. (This is an exercise recommended to me by Beth 11 days ago.) After a while, I drifted back to sleep.
This exercise involved relaxing mental focus for 2 to 5 seconds. It is very simple and it does result in the cessation of suffering for 2 to 5 seconds. The last time I'd tried to practice this over and over, it seemed to lose its punch. But this time it kept its punch.
8am: 80 minutes anapanasati concentration practice in bed. I was drawn to doing this, and thought I'd do it for just part of the sitting, but during the sitting I realized I could spend most of today meditating if I wanted to, and I could afford to begin with an entire session devoted to concentration. It was mostly lovely, but my mind periodically worried about whether I really wanted to spend the whole day meditating, or whether I ought to call El and ask her to do something. She seemed to have been looking forward to having more of my attention while Eric's away, and yesterday when we parted ways I discovered that we are both unscheduled today. I also worried a little about my knees.
We did end up going for a walk/jog in Ravenna Park at 1:00. Pleasant.
Noon: 40 minutes noting. Began seated with my feet on the floor (to avoid stress to the knees), then after about 25 minutes, switched very gently and gradually to walking. I experience, and noted, a lot of pleasure today. Much more pleasure than I'd ever experienced before while noting. The only unpleasant thing about the session was the anxiety I'd usually feel immediately after noting "pleasure". I had some back pain near the right scapula, which is why I eventually switched to walking, but it was hardly unpleasant at all.
Many more distinct phenomena come to my attention than I actually note with words. Especially now that, following Beth's instruction, I am trying to be quite relaxed about the noting.
Last night I read a bit from Shaila's Wisdom Wide and Deep. She seems to say that liberation cannot result from watching phenomena on the gross level of physical sensation and emotion. She seems to think that we must go deeper, even deeper than the level of rupa (so-called sub-atomic particles). How can such diverse points of view exist regarding practice? Clearly, the great Mahasi Sayadaw and his student U Pandita think that liberation can result from noting at a relatively gross level (though at least somewhat deeper than Beth has so far guided me to go).
I am learning to note "thinking" immediately after noticing that I'm thinking. Until now, I've had the following habit: notice thinking, immediately find something else to pay attention to and note that, then notice the whole habitual bundle that just occurred. This habit is just an instance of what I generally, habitually, do whenever I notice I've become lost in doing something "wrong".
5pm 30 minutes noting. Had set timer for 90 minutes, but then felt sleepiness and back pain. Napped for an hour.
11:45 pm 23 minutes noting
I have the impression that during sleep my sense of self was coming loose, like a shell coming off of a snail or a turtle.
6am: Awoke naturally. Practiced Bentinho's "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds" exercise over and over. (This is an exercise recommended to me by Beth 11 days ago.) After a while, I drifted back to sleep.
This exercise involved relaxing mental focus for 2 to 5 seconds. It is very simple and it does result in the cessation of suffering for 2 to 5 seconds. The last time I'd tried to practice this over and over, it seemed to lose its punch. But this time it kept its punch.
8am: 80 minutes anapanasati concentration practice in bed. I was drawn to doing this, and thought I'd do it for just part of the sitting, but during the sitting I realized I could spend most of today meditating if I wanted to, and I could afford to begin with an entire session devoted to concentration. It was mostly lovely, but my mind periodically worried about whether I really wanted to spend the whole day meditating, or whether I ought to call El and ask her to do something. She seemed to have been looking forward to having more of my attention while Eric's away, and yesterday when we parted ways I discovered that we are both unscheduled today. I also worried a little about my knees.
We did end up going for a walk/jog in Ravenna Park at 1:00. Pleasant.
Noon: 40 minutes noting. Began seated with my feet on the floor (to avoid stress to the knees), then after about 25 minutes, switched very gently and gradually to walking. I experience, and noted, a lot of pleasure today. Much more pleasure than I'd ever experienced before while noting. The only unpleasant thing about the session was the anxiety I'd usually feel immediately after noting "pleasure". I had some back pain near the right scapula, which is why I eventually switched to walking, but it was hardly unpleasant at all.
Many more distinct phenomena come to my attention than I actually note with words. Especially now that, following Beth's instruction, I am trying to be quite relaxed about the noting.
Last night I read a bit from Shaila's Wisdom Wide and Deep. She seems to say that liberation cannot result from watching phenomena on the gross level of physical sensation and emotion. She seems to think that we must go deeper, even deeper than the level of rupa (so-called sub-atomic particles). How can such diverse points of view exist regarding practice? Clearly, the great Mahasi Sayadaw and his student U Pandita think that liberation can result from noting at a relatively gross level (though at least somewhat deeper than Beth has so far guided me to go).
I am learning to note "thinking" immediately after noticing that I'm thinking. Until now, I've had the following habit: notice thinking, immediately find something else to pay attention to and note that, then notice the whole habitual bundle that just occurred. This habit is just an instance of what I generally, habitually, do whenever I notice I've become lost in doing something "wrong".
5pm 30 minutes noting. Had set timer for 90 minutes, but then felt sleepiness and back pain. Napped for an hour.
11:45 pm 23 minutes noting
Friday, July 13, 2012
Meditation log 07/13/12
6:10 am One hour noting in bed.
8am 20 minutes silent noting on the bus
1:00 30 minutes silent noting with ISB meditation group. Not unpleasant, not pleasant. About halfway through, drifted into sleepiness (as I commonly do multiple times per sitting), then with no warning dropped into a state where it seemed there was nothing to hold onto. I felt an urge to somehow grab on but told myself to chill. After a couple of seconds it was over and I was left with a bit of adrenaline rush. Nothing seemed different afterward than before.
Today we meditated in the yoga/movement studio, instead of our usual conference room. Some people said they thought they'd prefer it. It's usually very quiet down there in the sub-sub-basement, but, amusingly, today, just after we began meditating, some workers came and started hauling stuff around and making a huge racket, banging stuff around really loudly! This ended just moments after our meditation session was over.
Felt wiped out and discouraged at the end of the work day, even more than usual. Spent a couple hours tiredly at the Northwest Girlchoir music sorting party.
10:30pm 30 minutes noting. I set the timer for 90 minutes, but after 30 minutes I stopped meditating due to sleepiness, restless legs, and general suffering.
8am 20 minutes silent noting on the bus
1:00 30 minutes silent noting with ISB meditation group. Not unpleasant, not pleasant. About halfway through, drifted into sleepiness (as I commonly do multiple times per sitting), then with no warning dropped into a state where it seemed there was nothing to hold onto. I felt an urge to somehow grab on but told myself to chill. After a couple of seconds it was over and I was left with a bit of adrenaline rush. Nothing seemed different afterward than before.
Today we meditated in the yoga/movement studio, instead of our usual conference room. Some people said they thought they'd prefer it. It's usually very quiet down there in the sub-sub-basement, but, amusingly, today, just after we began meditating, some workers came and started hauling stuff around and making a huge racket, banging stuff around really loudly! This ended just moments after our meditation session was over.
Felt wiped out and discouraged at the end of the work day, even more than usual. Spent a couple hours tiredly at the Northwest Girlchoir music sorting party.
10:30pm 30 minutes noting. I set the timer for 90 minutes, but after 30 minutes I stopped meditating due to sleepiness, restless legs, and general suffering.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Meditation log 07/12/12
Felt quite motivated to sit upon waking.
6:10 a.m 90 minutes seated noting. Lots of thinking, so toward end, added whispering. But, as usual, mouthing the noting involved significant effort and physical discomfort, as all physical motions feel a tiny bit painful when I'm mindful. The meditation had 2 or 3 interruptions: to set the timer, to add on time. Although the meditation was uncomfortable, and there was a lot of thinking, I felt quite absorbed in the activity and didn't want to stop. Increased rocking of the torso. Thinking, sadness, aversion, hearing, rocking, pulsing, expanding, releasing, sleepiness, contact, breeze, tension, hunger, nausea. Occasional fleeting pleasure from sounds or sensations.
I wonder whether sitting cross legged in bed is causing the knee discomfort I've had for a few months. It almost always feels comfortable while I am sitting.
During one of my recent sittings, when I had a lot of discomfort and also tried to really relax into the experience even though it seemed to be leading me into unfamiliar territory, I drifted into sleepiness for some moments, then emerged into a state where the uncomfortable sensations didn't bother me anymore. The word equanimity came to mind when I reflected on it a day or two later.
9:15 a.m. Drove to Everett for an extra session with Trip; tried to note pleasure. Also directed my attention partially to the "anapana spot" (just under the nostrils) as a way of generating pleasure. When I arrived, I had a few minutes, so I phoned El to discuss something she'd just texted me. She related a distressing experience and I found myself experiencing much more compassion than usual. At start of session with Trip I found myself feeling more friendly and open than usual. I tried to stay in touch with that the entire session. I enjoyed bodily feelings of pleasure throughout the session, and I also felt anxiety. The bodily pleasure felt like sexual attraction. I kept telling myself that it was OK and probably good to feel that, and reminding myself that it didn't at all mean that I was going to embark upon a sexual relationship.
11pm 45 minutes seated noting? I think I may have begun with metta. Anyway, I did metta sometime today or the next day.
6:10 a.m 90 minutes seated noting. Lots of thinking, so toward end, added whispering. But, as usual, mouthing the noting involved significant effort and physical discomfort, as all physical motions feel a tiny bit painful when I'm mindful. The meditation had 2 or 3 interruptions: to set the timer, to add on time. Although the meditation was uncomfortable, and there was a lot of thinking, I felt quite absorbed in the activity and didn't want to stop. Increased rocking of the torso. Thinking, sadness, aversion, hearing, rocking, pulsing, expanding, releasing, sleepiness, contact, breeze, tension, hunger, nausea. Occasional fleeting pleasure from sounds or sensations.
I wonder whether sitting cross legged in bed is causing the knee discomfort I've had for a few months. It almost always feels comfortable while I am sitting.
During one of my recent sittings, when I had a lot of discomfort and also tried to really relax into the experience even though it seemed to be leading me into unfamiliar territory, I drifted into sleepiness for some moments, then emerged into a state where the uncomfortable sensations didn't bother me anymore. The word equanimity came to mind when I reflected on it a day or two later.
9:15 a.m. Drove to Everett for an extra session with Trip; tried to note pleasure. Also directed my attention partially to the "anapana spot" (just under the nostrils) as a way of generating pleasure. When I arrived, I had a few minutes, so I phoned El to discuss something she'd just texted me. She related a distressing experience and I found myself experiencing much more compassion than usual. At start of session with Trip I found myself feeling more friendly and open than usual. I tried to stay in touch with that the entire session. I enjoyed bodily feelings of pleasure throughout the session, and I also felt anxiety. The bodily pleasure felt like sexual attraction. I kept telling myself that it was OK and probably good to feel that, and reminding myself that it didn't at all mean that I was going to embark upon a sexual relationship.
11pm 45 minutes seated noting? I think I may have begun with metta. Anyway, I did metta sometime today or the next day.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Where am I in the progress of insight?
When I chose to work with a teacher who specializes somewhat in guiding people through path attainments, I wondered whether this would cause me to obsess about where I was along the path to stream entry. It has not so far caused me to obsess. In fact, it has helped me to relax.
I can see that my practice is progressing. It doesn't seem to matter whether a path attainment is near or far. Part of the reason it doesn't seem to matter is that, from reading people's meditation logs, I can see that path attainments are not milestones that bring a great incremental leap in happiness. The attainments seem to be interesting and pleasant, but the interest and pleasure are temporary, and soon one just has to keep working again. "After the ecstasy, the laundry." Even those who achieve 4th path under teachers such as Beth continue to practice in order to achieve even more freedom.
I love waking up. I see new freedom every few days, if not nearly every single day. I can't say that my life is especially happy right now -- work, in particular, is largely a struggle, and I worry a fair amount about aging, my health, my parents, and my relationship with Eric. Life is reasonably happy, I'd say. But waking up is quietly exciting, and is exactly what I want to be doing right now. My diligence in meditating an average of 1.5 hours daily is evidence of that.
As I mentioned in a previous entry, Beth thinks I'm in the 10th nana, Re-observation. Although there are circuits in my brain that do not want to believe I'm past the 4th nana, Arising and Passing Away, there is much evidence that I am past it. Before my retreat at the Forest Refuge, meditation brought me centeredness and relaxation. It no longer does. In the months after the retreat, I was sleeping less than usual, meditating in the middle of the night for hours, teaching people meditation, and having frequent insights during meditation. I also felt slightly manic and "special". These are all hallmarks of the A&P, from what I've read. Finally, in recent months, since I began noting practice, I've had a lot of discomfort during meditation, and have had heightened experiences of fear and sadness both on and off the cushion. I never had these kinds of negative experiences during meditation before the Forest Refuge, so it makes sense that they might be due to being in the dukkha nanas.
Still, I am curious what other teachers might say about where I am, teachers who don't, as far as I can see, think that path attainments can come as quickly and easily as Beth thinks they can. I wonder what Gil, Rodney, or Shaila would say.
I can see that my practice is progressing. It doesn't seem to matter whether a path attainment is near or far. Part of the reason it doesn't seem to matter is that, from reading people's meditation logs, I can see that path attainments are not milestones that bring a great incremental leap in happiness. The attainments seem to be interesting and pleasant, but the interest and pleasure are temporary, and soon one just has to keep working again. "After the ecstasy, the laundry." Even those who achieve 4th path under teachers such as Beth continue to practice in order to achieve even more freedom.
I love waking up. I see new freedom every few days, if not nearly every single day. I can't say that my life is especially happy right now -- work, in particular, is largely a struggle, and I worry a fair amount about aging, my health, my parents, and my relationship with Eric. Life is reasonably happy, I'd say. But waking up is quietly exciting, and is exactly what I want to be doing right now. My diligence in meditating an average of 1.5 hours daily is evidence of that.
As I mentioned in a previous entry, Beth thinks I'm in the 10th nana, Re-observation. Although there are circuits in my brain that do not want to believe I'm past the 4th nana, Arising and Passing Away, there is much evidence that I am past it. Before my retreat at the Forest Refuge, meditation brought me centeredness and relaxation. It no longer does. In the months after the retreat, I was sleeping less than usual, meditating in the middle of the night for hours, teaching people meditation, and having frequent insights during meditation. I also felt slightly manic and "special". These are all hallmarks of the A&P, from what I've read. Finally, in recent months, since I began noting practice, I've had a lot of discomfort during meditation, and have had heightened experiences of fear and sadness both on and off the cushion. I never had these kinds of negative experiences during meditation before the Forest Refuge, so it makes sense that they might be due to being in the dukkha nanas.
Still, I am curious what other teachers might say about where I am, teachers who don't, as far as I can see, think that path attainments can come as quickly and easily as Beth thinks they can. I wonder what Gil, Rodney, or Shaila would say.
Meditation log 07/11/12
Didn't leave time to meditate at all this morning before work.
In the backyard with Zarina, I recalled that when Nick was here over the weekend, he looked at one of our squash plants and said, "That's patty-pan squash!" "How can you tell?" said I. "Look, it already has fruit!" When I recalled this, a strong pulse of sadness came to me, and I felt on the verge of sobbing. This is a greater openness to sadness than I've had in the past.
8:30am 30 minutes noting during bus/walk to work. I think I avoid noting pleasure. When I do, I think I immediately afterward look for danger or something unpleasant--and usually find it. I'd like to note pleasure more often, and then pay careful attention to what comes afterward.
Listened to a talk today by an internal post-doc on a family genomics study of bipolar disorder. Was interested because of the mental illness in my own family. Seems that bipolar is highly multigenic.
All day I felt discomfort that seemed related to sadness. Finally I decided to sit:
4pm One hour seated silent noting. A rather difficult sitting, with lots of ill-defined unpleasantness associated with the right torso/throat sensations. I noted aversion a lot. I think until the last few weeks I'd really avoided noting aversion. When I note it, I can kind of freeze up and zone out; I think I'm afraid that noting aversion will bring worse stuff to me. I also feel responsible for my aversion. Today I reminded myself wordlessly that it is not my fault that I experience aversion; I didn't make it happen. I tried to let go and settle into the difficult sensations (which, today, I sometimes noted as anguish); I tried not to wish or expect them to resolve in any particular way. Sometimes they turned into something like pleasure. I sometimes had pleasant sensations in the genitals. I frequently dipped into a sleepy state and sometimes had something like dreaming. I was a bit surprised when the bell went off after one hour; I didn't think an hour had passed. I did not look at my clock the whole time, or even consider looking.
6pm 30 minutes noting on the bus. My left arm contacted the arm of the person next to me, and the bus seemed to be lurching. These things triggered continuous anger for the last half of the ride. I periodically asked myself whether it was wise to keep being mindful, because the anger was so uncomfortable. I noted aversion to the anger. I did continue being mindful. The anger dissipated within about 30 seconds after I got off the bus.
10pm 45 minutes noting in bed. Toward the end I was really uncomfortable and kept checking the clock. Finally, after a small bout of jerky legs and sleep, I ended the sitting 2 minutes before the bell.
In the backyard with Zarina, I recalled that when Nick was here over the weekend, he looked at one of our squash plants and said, "That's patty-pan squash!" "How can you tell?" said I. "Look, it already has fruit!" When I recalled this, a strong pulse of sadness came to me, and I felt on the verge of sobbing. This is a greater openness to sadness than I've had in the past.
8:30am 30 minutes noting during bus/walk to work. I think I avoid noting pleasure. When I do, I think I immediately afterward look for danger or something unpleasant--and usually find it. I'd like to note pleasure more often, and then pay careful attention to what comes afterward.
Listened to a talk today by an internal post-doc on a family genomics study of bipolar disorder. Was interested because of the mental illness in my own family. Seems that bipolar is highly multigenic.
All day I felt discomfort that seemed related to sadness. Finally I decided to sit:
4pm One hour seated silent noting. A rather difficult sitting, with lots of ill-defined unpleasantness associated with the right torso/throat sensations. I noted aversion a lot. I think until the last few weeks I'd really avoided noting aversion. When I note it, I can kind of freeze up and zone out; I think I'm afraid that noting aversion will bring worse stuff to me. I also feel responsible for my aversion. Today I reminded myself wordlessly that it is not my fault that I experience aversion; I didn't make it happen. I tried to let go and settle into the difficult sensations (which, today, I sometimes noted as anguish); I tried not to wish or expect them to resolve in any particular way. Sometimes they turned into something like pleasure. I sometimes had pleasant sensations in the genitals. I frequently dipped into a sleepy state and sometimes had something like dreaming. I was a bit surprised when the bell went off after one hour; I didn't think an hour had passed. I did not look at my clock the whole time, or even consider looking.
6pm 30 minutes noting on the bus. My left arm contacted the arm of the person next to me, and the bus seemed to be lurching. These things triggered continuous anger for the last half of the ride. I periodically asked myself whether it was wise to keep being mindful, because the anger was so uncomfortable. I noted aversion to the anger. I did continue being mindful. The anger dissipated within about 30 seconds after I got off the bus.
10pm 45 minutes noting in bed. Toward the end I was really uncomfortable and kept checking the clock. Finally, after a small bout of jerky legs and sleep, I ended the sitting 2 minutes before the bell.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Meditation log 07/10/12
7am 30 minutes silent+whispered noting. Shifted to whispering when it seemed I was getting lost in thought frequently. But it took great effort to begin to whisper, because of the pain of initiating that physical activity. And it took effort to continue. As the sitting progressed I found myself increasingly "solidly in the present", not reaching out for the next sensation, not anticipating the next sensation. When I am weary, this often leads to a dull sleepiness (different from fleeting sensations of sleepiness), but this morning it mostly did not.
8am 30 minutes noting during morning commute. I had good continuity and presence. I was seated next to two large, loud, boisterous middle aged men from a low social class. On my other side was a woman who intruded upon my space. I noted all of the sensations, but after a couple of minutes I noted terror, panic, overwhelm. I popped out of meditation for a while and just looked around, wondering whether it was kind to myself to continue, or whether it would be more kind to distract myself in some way. Ultimately I returned to noting and found myself noting fear frequently whenever the men spoke loudly or laughed (every second or two). This seemed to keep the terror and panic at bay, and I felt relatively comfortable continuing.
In recent days it has seemed to me that I am identifying less with my thoughts and am able to let go of them more easily.
11am 12 minutes seated noting with Julie
6:40 pm 40 minutes seated noting with the sangha, followed by an hour of quasi-meditation as I half listened to Rodney's talk.
10:50 pm 30 minutes seated noting in bed. I'd eaten popcorn and chocolate before bed, and this seemed to trigger feelings of shame associated with my belly. So I noted "shame" quite a lot, something I rarely note.
8am 30 minutes noting during morning commute. I had good continuity and presence. I was seated next to two large, loud, boisterous middle aged men from a low social class. On my other side was a woman who intruded upon my space. I noted all of the sensations, but after a couple of minutes I noted terror, panic, overwhelm. I popped out of meditation for a while and just looked around, wondering whether it was kind to myself to continue, or whether it would be more kind to distract myself in some way. Ultimately I returned to noting and found myself noting fear frequently whenever the men spoke loudly or laughed (every second or two). This seemed to keep the terror and panic at bay, and I felt relatively comfortable continuing.
In recent days it has seemed to me that I am identifying less with my thoughts and am able to let go of them more easily.
11am 12 minutes seated noting with Julie
6:40 pm 40 minutes seated noting with the sangha, followed by an hour of quasi-meditation as I half listened to Rodney's talk.
10:50 pm 30 minutes seated noting in bed. I'd eaten popcorn and chocolate before bed, and this seemed to trigger feelings of shame associated with my belly. So I noted "shame" quite a lot, something I rarely note.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Meditation log 07/09/12
5:40 a.m. 90 minutes seated silent mouthed noting. First hour+ was quite difficult. Pressure, aversion, aversion, sadness, sleepiness. During a few periods I noted aversion a lot. A few times, after some moments of actual sleep and dream, it felt like I broke through to a deeper level of sadness. And sometimes, well into the sitting, it felt like I broke through to a deeper level that wasn't the same old sadness but was something new, something less unpleasant but also unfamiliar enough that I noticed (but perhaps forgot to note) resistance. Toward the end of the sitting I adjusted my sitting position to relieve some pressure and stretched a bit. Then meditation was easy; the unpleasantness and aversion went away.
I continue to experience inertia when sitting. Movement, such as moving my hand and opening my eyes to check the time, brings unpleasant tingles in the body part being moved and also other parts of the body. So I tend to want to not move.
Yesterday (07/08/12) I sat for 45 or 60 minutes in the morning, then meditated continuously while standing during the 90 minute service at St. Paul Antiochian Orthodox Church. I found during the service that when my eyes were open, my mind was very active (worrying, anxiety, planning, storytelling ... generally planning how to act in order to support my self-image).
Day before (07/07/12) I sat for 90 minutes in the morning.
---
In psychotherapy session today, spent entire session doing a variation of my noting practice. It felt like the session was an extension of my morning sit. I began with noting but also allowing my body to move freely; I found my torso eventually tipped over all the way to rest upon my right thigh. The noting helped me detach from an active mind that kept thinking, "I'm doing this wrong". As the mind quieted I gradually (without trying/planning) dropped the noting and focused on being present in my body and allowing it to act. As I rested on my thigh, my shirt collar came in contact with my mouth and I found myself with imagery/feelings of being a baby, being held, and nursing.
At one point during this, Trip made a startling noise with his chair. My mind registered the noise and the startle and let go immediately, with no mental grasping or storytelling. This was remarkable.
10pm 30 minutes noting in bed. I went to sleep with the intention of waking in the middle of the night for more meditation, but I didn't end up doing that.
I continue to experience inertia when sitting. Movement, such as moving my hand and opening my eyes to check the time, brings unpleasant tingles in the body part being moved and also other parts of the body. So I tend to want to not move.
Yesterday (07/08/12) I sat for 45 or 60 minutes in the morning, then meditated continuously while standing during the 90 minute service at St. Paul Antiochian Orthodox Church. I found during the service that when my eyes were open, my mind was very active (worrying, anxiety, planning, storytelling ... generally planning how to act in order to support my self-image).
Day before (07/07/12) I sat for 90 minutes in the morning.
---
In psychotherapy session today, spent entire session doing a variation of my noting practice. It felt like the session was an extension of my morning sit. I began with noting but also allowing my body to move freely; I found my torso eventually tipped over all the way to rest upon my right thigh. The noting helped me detach from an active mind that kept thinking, "I'm doing this wrong". As the mind quieted I gradually (without trying/planning) dropped the noting and focused on being present in my body and allowing it to act. As I rested on my thigh, my shirt collar came in contact with my mouth and I found myself with imagery/feelings of being a baby, being held, and nursing.
At one point during this, Trip made a startling noise with his chair. My mind registered the noise and the startle and let go immediately, with no mental grasping or storytelling. This was remarkable.
10pm 30 minutes noting in bed. I went to sleep with the intention of waking in the middle of the night for more meditation, but I didn't end up doing that.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Meditation log 07/06/12
Haven't taken the time to write in a few days.
Today, 6:50 a.m. 45 minutes seated silent noting. Fairly pleasant; didn't really want to get up. After a while, seemed that I was solidly in the present. The word "solid", though, has an incorrect connotation, because at these times it seems there is almost nothing there. When I am "solidly in the present", my mind has stopped stretching sensations out into successive moments by pondering them or connecting them to previous or anticipated sensations. This has happened occasionally in recent sittings, and I can encourage it by trying.
As I write about it, it seems like a huge step forward, to have such experiences. Yet my thinking about my practice continues to have content such as, "I can't really be making progress in my practice. This is too good to be happening to the pathetic likes of me. I'll believe it when something unmistakable and dramatic happens, such as a path moment." But probably when a path moment occurs, I won't believe that, either!
Life in general is pretty good, with plenty of enjoyment along with the ever present background dukkha. When I ask myself, "where do I suffer the most?", I think, "anxiety about whether I am performing well enough on my job." Yesterday I the sensations in my right torso and neck were really strong and uncomfortable, and I couldn't concentrate on my work. So I meditated for 40 minutes.
Met with my teacher Beth on Wednesday. She said she thinks I'm in Re-observation, the tenth stage. This felt really encouraging (though I tried to suppress feeling encouraged). She said that the earlier dukkha nanas such as fear, misery, and disgust probably passed really quickly for me some time ago. After talking to Beth I felt motivated to practice more intensively, including in daily life. She said that it doesn't matter so much what my mind does, on or off the cushion, as long as I note it.
Today, 6:50 a.m. 45 minutes seated silent noting. Fairly pleasant; didn't really want to get up. After a while, seemed that I was solidly in the present. The word "solid", though, has an incorrect connotation, because at these times it seems there is almost nothing there. When I am "solidly in the present", my mind has stopped stretching sensations out into successive moments by pondering them or connecting them to previous or anticipated sensations. This has happened occasionally in recent sittings, and I can encourage it by trying.
As I write about it, it seems like a huge step forward, to have such experiences. Yet my thinking about my practice continues to have content such as, "I can't really be making progress in my practice. This is too good to be happening to the pathetic likes of me. I'll believe it when something unmistakable and dramatic happens, such as a path moment." But probably when a path moment occurs, I won't believe that, either!
Life in general is pretty good, with plenty of enjoyment along with the ever present background dukkha. When I ask myself, "where do I suffer the most?", I think, "anxiety about whether I am performing well enough on my job." Yesterday I the sensations in my right torso and neck were really strong and uncomfortable, and I couldn't concentrate on my work. So I meditated for 40 minutes.
Met with my teacher Beth on Wednesday. She said she thinks I'm in Re-observation, the tenth stage. This felt really encouraging (though I tried to suppress feeling encouraged). She said that the earlier dukkha nanas such as fear, misery, and disgust probably passed really quickly for me some time ago. After talking to Beth I felt motivated to practice more intensively, including in daily life. She said that it doesn't matter so much what my mind does, on or off the cushion, as long as I note it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Meditation log 07/02/12
7:30 a.m. 30 minutes seated meditation. I employed a very, very relaxed noting, often letting minutes pass without any noting at all. I began with a choice to spend a few minutes just noticing (but not noting) how I was feeling. There was a lot of sadness and anxiety. On my mind was a conversation yesterday with Tempel Smith during which, after I mentioned I had experienced trauma as an infant, he spoke at length about how trauma affects one's progress in both samadhi and vipassana practice, and how it must be acknowledged dealt with. (He mentioned somatic therapy, which is what I'm practicing with Trip, my psychotherapist.) This conversation helped me feel OK about straying from strict noting practice, at least on occasion, and giving myself gentle, compassionate attention, even though such attention may not directly lead to insight into anicca, anatta, and dukkha.
During the sitting, I gave special attention to the clenching that immediately follows whenever I notice that I've "misbehaved" (e.g., let my mind wander) or whenever I choose something myself without following the instructions of authority. This clenching happened a few times, and each time, rather than simply note "clenching", I gave attention to the clenching until it released into sadness.
I arose from the sitting with a lingering cloud of sadness.
During the sitting, I gave special attention to the clenching that immediately follows whenever I notice that I've "misbehaved" (e.g., let my mind wander) or whenever I choose something myself without following the instructions of authority. This clenching happened a few times, and each time, rather than simply note "clenching", I gave attention to the clenching until it released into sadness.
I arose from the sitting with a lingering cloud of sadness.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Meditation log 07/01/12
First day of the second half of the year.
8:45 am 75 minutes seated meditation, attempting Kenneth Folk's "second gear" practice: dwelling in the Witness. This was inspired by reading last night Thomas Sterner's small book, "The Practicing Mind", where he recommends the same practice, but couches it in different terms (he calls the Witness "the Observer"). I enjoyed the practice and thought that I sort of got it. After a few minutes of practice I took a break to re-read the info on Kenneth's website about the practice. One writer summed it up by saying "Look for what remains constant in your experience at all moments", and Kenneth said "well said" or something like that, so I kept that in mind.
If one can observe the Witness, then who is it that's doing the observing? Also, if the Witness is a set of sensations that can be observed, how can it also be "I"? Perhaps these questions hint at the inevitable demise of the illusion of self.
Later in the morning when I was at Zarina's parents' house, I continued practicing this and felt a greater ease and enjoyment than I typically would in such a situation. I especially enjoyed seeing the surface of Lake Washington from their window.
Drank green tea w/caffeine, then had very enjoyable lunch with spiritual friends Mary Peterson, Tempel Smith, Pavitra, and Zarina.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated dwelling in the Witness. Concentration was less strong and I felt less confident in my practice than this morning.
8:45 am 75 minutes seated meditation, attempting Kenneth Folk's "second gear" practice: dwelling in the Witness. This was inspired by reading last night Thomas Sterner's small book, "The Practicing Mind", where he recommends the same practice, but couches it in different terms (he calls the Witness "the Observer"). I enjoyed the practice and thought that I sort of got it. After a few minutes of practice I took a break to re-read the info on Kenneth's website about the practice. One writer summed it up by saying "Look for what remains constant in your experience at all moments", and Kenneth said "well said" or something like that, so I kept that in mind.
If one can observe the Witness, then who is it that's doing the observing? Also, if the Witness is a set of sensations that can be observed, how can it also be "I"? Perhaps these questions hint at the inevitable demise of the illusion of self.
Later in the morning when I was at Zarina's parents' house, I continued practicing this and felt a greater ease and enjoyment than I typically would in such a situation. I especially enjoyed seeing the surface of Lake Washington from their window.
Drank green tea w/caffeine, then had very enjoyable lunch with spiritual friends Mary Peterson, Tempel Smith, Pavitra, and Zarina.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated dwelling in the Witness. Concentration was less strong and I felt less confident in my practice than this morning.
Meditation log 06/30/12
First, a few notes on what I can remember of Friday 06/29/12:
Sat for 30 minutes with my sitting group at work. Noting. Then later, I think, an hour of noting in the nap room. Ah, can't remember anything about any of this.
Saturday 06/30/12:
Spontaneously awoke around 4am with an immediate small insight into the nature of my reality. I can't remember what it was, but it inspired me to stay awake and practice while continuing to recline. After 20 or 30 minutes I saw that my mind was muddy so I reluctantly arose into a sitting position and practiced noting for about an hour.
I had two significant insights during that time, though I can only remember one: greater clarity about my resistance to noting aversion. I noted aversion during this sitting with more gentleness, slowness, and compassion than usual, and was thus able to be more present for it. I guess I have great aversion to aversion.
Another insight I've had in recent days -- maybe this is the second one of my 6/30 morning sit -- is that the "bad" or "guilty" feeling I feel when I "misbehave" is tension held in defense of sadness. Since then, I've been able to feel the sadness instead, when I remember to try.
Sat for 30 minutes with my sitting group at work. Noting. Then later, I think, an hour of noting in the nap room. Ah, can't remember anything about any of this.
Saturday 06/30/12:
Spontaneously awoke around 4am with an immediate small insight into the nature of my reality. I can't remember what it was, but it inspired me to stay awake and practice while continuing to recline. After 20 or 30 minutes I saw that my mind was muddy so I reluctantly arose into a sitting position and practiced noting for about an hour.
I had two significant insights during that time, though I can only remember one: greater clarity about my resistance to noting aversion. I noted aversion during this sitting with more gentleness, slowness, and compassion than usual, and was thus able to be more present for it. I guess I have great aversion to aversion.
Another insight I've had in recent days -- maybe this is the second one of my 6/30 morning sit -- is that the "bad" or "guilty" feeling I feel when I "misbehave" is tension held in defense of sadness. Since then, I've been able to feel the sadness instead, when I remember to try.
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