I wrote the following to my Liberation Unleashed guide on the LU forum:
Dear Ghata,My mother died five hours ago. It was a good death. I was privileged to be by her side every night and most of every day during her dying. My brother and I were with her when she breathed her last breath. This is the first time I have witnessed a person's death. I gave her the scheduled dose of morphine. A minute later, her breathing slowed dramatically, each breath coming about 10 seconds after the last. Then ... the next breath did not come. We sat with her body for over two hours, then the mortuary people came to take it away.
These last few days have been tumultuous, with emotion coursing through the body much of every day. Many friends and relatives coming by to visit. Priests, hospice workers. The staff at Mom's dementia care home offering us food and coffee. Witnessing the grief of others. Sleeping on an air mattress on the floor every night, waking when staff came to adjust Mom's position. Anguish when Mom cried out and pleaded for help at being adjusted. Working to reduce her distress (this has been a continuous endeavor for the past five years) using physical, social, and pharmaceutical methods. Struggling with a complicated narcotics control system to keep enough morphine on hand. Selecting a casket. Maneuvering the experience of grief, shame arising at showing grief to others, allowing that, seeing that it is not fully allowed, accepting that.
I have wished for my mother to die. There has been so much suffering for her in this disease (Alzheimer's). It has been very difficult for me to see that I have not taken her suffering away from her. I was angry with my mother for allowing me to suffer as a very young one. Seeing that I now have allowed her to suffer has enabled me to fully forgive her for allowing me to suffer.
Three years ago we learned she had breast cancer. I steered my family toward choosing not to treat the cancer, thinking it would be better for her to die of cancer than to die of Alzheimer's. And this is what happened. I have heard that cancer can be very painful, but in Mom's case, somehow, it was not. There are many things I did that did lessen her suffering, and this was one.
Last night I noticed the Observer, expressed appreciation for her, and asked her if she was ready to loosen her grip over my experience. She said she was ready. It had something to do with the passing of my mother. Something like, "if she can go, I can go, too." She was just a little sad. I told her that we could work together as a team, as we'd discussed before. We're both quite anxious and sad about such a change.
