The book I've been working with, The Emotionally Absent Mother, calls the various child personalities "child states". This morning during my entire commute I attended to the one child state I'd identified: a sad and terrified, but fiery, infant/toddler who usually tries to stay small and quiet. She feels great fear and despair about what might happen were she to become more expressive. As usual, it took a lot of effort to attend to this child state, because I still half believe the accompanying messages: this work is futile, this work is dangerous.
As I approached my office, my mind leapt with delight toward the various work tasks in front of me. Those tasks seemed like a comfortable refuge from the anxiety of attending to the fiery but terrified infant/toddler. I mostly forgot about the frustration and boredom associated with those tasks, and the dissatisfaction I nearly always feel at the end of the work day. Instead, I imagined happiness, joy, interest, absorption, safety, and satisfaction. And I realized that these imaginings were also associated with a child state, one of a later age than toddler-hood. Somewhere between 4 and 10 years old. The young girl who was good in school, who sped through homework, who was the smartest in the class and received much praise for completing tasks, for productivity. Praise for good grades and for making realistic drawings. This child feels loved!
I commit now to attending to the fiery, terrified infant/toddler throughout my work day. In particular, I will bring my attention to her when my 20 minute timer lights up, and also when I feel the urge to check email or Facebook. Bonus if I can also be aware of the young girl taking pride in her accomplishments.
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