Noon. Feeling agitated. Listened all morning (while traveling to ortho appt., then traveling to work) to an audiobook about a parent's struggle with his son's meth addiction. Very engaging but also very disturbing. It illustrates the agonizing complexity of dealing with some social situations. It made me think of R and also of my parents and their struggle with Mom's dementia. Perhaps as a result, I chose to phone Dad when I arrived at work at 10:15. (Yesterday he'd made a unilateral decision not to obtain further caregiving for Mom.) I was much more heavy-handed in this conversation than I was in our conversation one week ago. This was deliberate, but I arrived at this approach because I couldn't think of a way to apply the Socratic method I'd applied last week (or was lazy about trying). I thought it might be appropriate to, at least occasionally, communicate clearly and firmly that this is a serious situation and that Nick and I are not simply supporters and advisors--that, when necessary, we are prepared to insist he take a particular course of action.
Now, at noon, I have yet to delve into my work. The feelings I have are fear, sadness ... and fear. Fear.
Let's see if I can get into it.
1:18 Spent 40 minutes on the phone with Clarence and Mary discussing Mom & Dad's situation.
Next day: Stayed at work until 6:10. Was not as aware of my feelings as I had been the day before. Was not aware of desire. Distracted self (with email, Facebook) more than yesterday. Work was fairly engaging, though.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Log 04/15/13
12:29 pm Have been working fairly continuously since I arrived at 10:30. At 9am psychotherapy session, worked with being present for feelings of desire/creativity/aliveness. Was tough. Now, experiencing greater tolerance for these feelings and am feeling them continuously as I work. This feeling comes with a trio of other feelings: excitement, fear, and sadness. Sometimes it's very hard not to distract myself from all this emotion. It feels dangerous to stay with it. But I know enough now that the right thing to do is to stay! Seems I should be excited to be growing in this way. But that kind of meta-excitement is the equivalent of hope, and perhaps that's just too much for me to bear at this point. (I did feel a little of that on my walk from the bus to work.)
12:52 Just clarified something with Zhi. Successful. Now that we agree I can proceed to further perfect her code. Urge to distract self! Fear of accomplishment!
Bombing of finish line at Boston Marathon.
2:41 Have continued to feel desire, excitement, fear and sadness all day! I hope this is a good thing! At times it is tempting to retreat into sexual fantasy.
3:27 Still feeling the excitement! Not so much sadness or fear. Oh! probably because I ate a chocolate chocolate chip cookie a couple of hours ago. Kinda wish I hadn't done that.
5:53 Time to go home. What a lovely day! Almost never distracted myself! Just kept going like the Energizer bunny!
Postscript: it was easy to leave work that evening and I wasn't left with a lingering "yuk" feeling.
12:52 Just clarified something with Zhi. Successful. Now that we agree I can proceed to further perfect her code. Urge to distract self! Fear of accomplishment!
Bombing of finish line at Boston Marathon.
2:41 Have continued to feel desire, excitement, fear and sadness all day! I hope this is a good thing! At times it is tempting to retreat into sexual fantasy.
3:27 Still feeling the excitement! Not so much sadness or fear. Oh! probably because I ate a chocolate chocolate chip cookie a couple of hours ago. Kinda wish I hadn't done that.
5:53 Time to go home. What a lovely day! Almost never distracted myself! Just kept going like the Energizer bunny!
Postscript: it was easy to leave work that evening and I wasn't left with a lingering "yuk" feeling.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Inner child journal 04/12/13
10:31 am Arrived at work 85 minutes ago. Spent first half hour at Meg's good-bye. Then, processed email and browsed ISB external website thinking about whether, and how, to talk to other faculty about possibly working for them. Brought up a lot of fear and sadness. I imagine that if I change to any of the other groups, I will feel lost, ungrounded. Right now I feel sad, scared, and sleepy. Desire is probably there somewhere, but hidden. Perhaps I should try keeping a desire log! What do I desire?
10:50 am I desire to explore, to understand, to create. Perhaps I don't allow myself to notice when I've done these things? Because currently I am working on all three. Yes, this very morning.
Side note: about 15 months ago I noticed that when D coughed, it no longer irritated me, that the startle reaction would just ripple through my body. Over the past 6 months, though, I've watched this non-reactivity slowly disappear, and now I am reactive again.
11:18 Noticed some excitement about my work, then the urge to dampen it. Stayed with the excitement. It is scary. Things will get out of control. Coached self: I might end up feeling humiliated or otherwise bad, but it will pass, and this is the path to growth and happiness.
11:30 Steaming ahead on my task. Tuning into the excitement. Sadness and sleepiness come with it, strongly.
12:30 Continued to steam ahead. But, just this moment, lost myself in email. At first when I became aware of this I felt "bad", but then looked into it and found sad/sleepy.
3:15 Just ate lunch while reading Science. Ate more than I needed, but stopped short of eating the whole thing.
3:30 Rolf came to talk more about his layoff. He wanted to let me know that someone he'd identified as a bad guy isn't really a bad guy. But I'd forgotten that he'd even mentioned that person as a bad guy. I'm sad that he's leaving. He's a good friend and he is the one who first got me in the door here five years ago.
3:50 Belly ache, not sure why. Enjoying work today. I have a list of tasks and they all seem appealing and enjoyable. In rest room, ran into grad student in Hui's lab. Considered talking to her as an entree to finding out more about Huang lab, but didn't. Sadness, sleepiness.
4:20 I am dreading going home. I don't like walking to the bus and waiting for it. I do like driving home :-) Checked -- there are 3 car2go cars near my work! Still, I feel like I don't want to leave. I want to keep working! If I stay longer, the cars will disappear. I'm cooking tonight; should be home by 6.
4:40 Aaagh. All cars are gone. Belly keeps hurting. I keep feeling sad. Let's take a closer look. I feel bad that I've not gotten more done today. What's that about ?! I've gotten plenty done today.
10:50 am I desire to explore, to understand, to create. Perhaps I don't allow myself to notice when I've done these things? Because currently I am working on all three. Yes, this very morning.
Side note: about 15 months ago I noticed that when D coughed, it no longer irritated me, that the startle reaction would just ripple through my body. Over the past 6 months, though, I've watched this non-reactivity slowly disappear, and now I am reactive again.
11:18 Noticed some excitement about my work, then the urge to dampen it. Stayed with the excitement. It is scary. Things will get out of control. Coached self: I might end up feeling humiliated or otherwise bad, but it will pass, and this is the path to growth and happiness.
11:30 Steaming ahead on my task. Tuning into the excitement. Sadness and sleepiness come with it, strongly.
12:30 Continued to steam ahead. But, just this moment, lost myself in email. At first when I became aware of this I felt "bad", but then looked into it and found sad/sleepy.
3:15 Just ate lunch while reading Science. Ate more than I needed, but stopped short of eating the whole thing.
3:30 Rolf came to talk more about his layoff. He wanted to let me know that someone he'd identified as a bad guy isn't really a bad guy. But I'd forgotten that he'd even mentioned that person as a bad guy. I'm sad that he's leaving. He's a good friend and he is the one who first got me in the door here five years ago.
3:50 Belly ache, not sure why. Enjoying work today. I have a list of tasks and they all seem appealing and enjoyable. In rest room, ran into grad student in Hui's lab. Considered talking to her as an entree to finding out more about Huang lab, but didn't. Sadness, sleepiness.
4:20 I am dreading going home. I don't like walking to the bus and waiting for it. I do like driving home :-) Checked -- there are 3 car2go cars near my work! Still, I feel like I don't want to leave. I want to keep working! If I stay longer, the cars will disappear. I'm cooking tonight; should be home by 6.
4:40 Aaagh. All cars are gone. Belly keeps hurting. I keep feeling sad. Let's take a closer look. I feel bad that I've not gotten more done today. What's that about ?! I've gotten plenty done today.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Inner child journal 04/10/13
9:28 am Just arrived at work. I feel really scared and sad. Specific things on my mind are Eric's business (he just spoke about it with me for our entire hour-long commute) and talking to Dad about caregiving for Mom. Yesterday I felt really down starting when I arrived at the optometrist at 4pm until about 9pm. I meditated (noting) for an hour this morning.
10am Just completed a task efficiently and with ease, using my solid knowledge of perl. Noticed mind automatically trivializing the accomplishment: if I accomplished it, it's therefore automatically a trivial accomplishment. Still feeling scared and sad, but less so.
12:17 Tried to debug annotation deletion. Talked to Dad on phone, success! attributable to my fine diplomacy. Meditated. Gossiped with Julie. Meditated more. Chatted with Rob West, who is being laid off.
12:30 Ate a KitKat. Progress with annotation deletion (has to do with extra_form_fields). Pulsing, sadness, pleasure, hearing ...
12:50 I am chill. It is because I ate a second KitKat, but I believe it is because I have now achieved perfection. Pulsing, hearing, pleasure, pressure, hearing, tingling, tension, pulsing ... (sadness and sleepiness have vanished)
3:49 Still chilling on the KitKats (had a third). Asking self, why am I not content to be with myself this moment? Desire, wanting! Unworthiness to have what I want!
4:09 Much accomplishment today. Still, sadness, desire! To dare greatly!
10am Just completed a task efficiently and with ease, using my solid knowledge of perl. Noticed mind automatically trivializing the accomplishment: if I accomplished it, it's therefore automatically a trivial accomplishment. Still feeling scared and sad, but less so.
12:17 Tried to debug annotation deletion. Talked to Dad on phone, success! attributable to my fine diplomacy. Meditated. Gossiped with Julie. Meditated more. Chatted with Rob West, who is being laid off.
12:30 Ate a KitKat. Progress with annotation deletion (has to do with extra_form_fields). Pulsing, sadness, pleasure, hearing ...
12:50 I am chill. It is because I ate a second KitKat, but I believe it is because I have now achieved perfection. Pulsing, hearing, pleasure, pressure, hearing, tingling, tension, pulsing ... (sadness and sleepiness have vanished)
3:49 Still chilling on the KitKats (had a third). Asking self, why am I not content to be with myself this moment? Desire, wanting! Unworthiness to have what I want!
4:09 Much accomplishment today. Still, sadness, desire! To dare greatly!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Inner child journal
10:10am Want to keep working so I will have the satisfaction of accomplishment and be praised. Sad, sleepy. I'm frustrated! Paying attention to these sensations feels like it's the slow road to nowhere. Still, there's something pleasant and wholesome about it.
10:30 Don't want to interrupt the (actually unpleasant) task I was engaged in. But I think that perhaps simply by interrupting myself every 20 minutes, I might avert an accumulated bad feeling that I generally have by the end of the day. Pulsing, heat, sadness, hearing, hearing, expanding, pleasure, hearing, pressure, sadness, sleepiness.
10:41 Brought somewhat frustrating task to a stopping point. I will not go back here until I get fresh insight. Now is the time to take a really good break, like going to get cash at Salal. I feel sad and sleepy when I think of doing that. Tension in the jaw and in the throat. I'm afraid to do it. It feels like leaving Mom.
11:11 Took another 8 minutes for me to get out of here -- then took quite a long time to make my way to Salal and back. I am afraid. My thought is to work on the code to look at prots not yet in Swiss-Prot, but I am afraid it's going to feel bad to work on it. Heat, pulsing, sleepiness, touch, hearing, hearing, release, pulsing, sadness, sleepiness, hearing ...
11:30 Am feeling good about getting into the ProtEval stuff. Sadness, sleepiness, hearing. I resist staying with my feelings. To begin with, when I had all the time in the world to stay with them at Cloud Mountain one week ago, I did not want to. It was very unpleasant. I'm afraid of being alone.
11:50 I sense that this thrice-hourly break is indeed keeping me from getting into an unpleasant mental state. Yay! Even though, each time I take the break, I resist it. It makes me aware of my sadness. And, I suppose, my fear -- since that is likely what leads to sleepiness. Trying, now, to feel the fear between the sadness and the sleepiness.
12:06 Timer not yet, but felt beginnings of frustration. Trying to add a column to the Individual Spectra section of GetPeptide, and it is not trivial. A sql query returns a bunch of columns, but only some are displayed. Others are displayed conditionally. Column data is stored in a data structure called $pep. Resist delving into this structure.
12:16 Resisted by spending 10 minutes looking at family photos sent by Mom's cousin Jeanne.
12:30 Sadness! I'm never going to get what I really want.
12:40 Made a bit of progress on the $pep issue, but it's still murky. Should come back to it later.
2:03 An hour ago, went to eat lunch. Then talked with S about a project; was frustrated that we'd talked about most of the same things just 2.5 weeks ago, before I left on retreat. Then checked FB and now I'm back. I feel sad that I just spent time on FB instead of working to gain approval and acceptance ... need to leave in a little over an hour for my eye appt., too.
2:10 Figuring out $pep issue. Interesting ... attending to my feelings every 20 minutes no longer brings up messages like "there's not enough time", "this is hopeless", "this is dangerous", "you're not doing this right". Or, the messages are much quieter than they were a few months ago. I mostly just feel the sadness and sleepiness, and a bit of a tug to get back to work.
3:17 Time to go! I do feel better than usual at the end of the day. I can see that I accomplished enough. I feel a bit of a tug to stay and get more done, but it's not so bad.
10:30 Don't want to interrupt the (actually unpleasant) task I was engaged in. But I think that perhaps simply by interrupting myself every 20 minutes, I might avert an accumulated bad feeling that I generally have by the end of the day. Pulsing, heat, sadness, hearing, hearing, expanding, pleasure, hearing, pressure, sadness, sleepiness.
10:41 Brought somewhat frustrating task to a stopping point. I will not go back here until I get fresh insight. Now is the time to take a really good break, like going to get cash at Salal. I feel sad and sleepy when I think of doing that. Tension in the jaw and in the throat. I'm afraid to do it. It feels like leaving Mom.
11:11 Took another 8 minutes for me to get out of here -- then took quite a long time to make my way to Salal and back. I am afraid. My thought is to work on the code to look at prots not yet in Swiss-Prot, but I am afraid it's going to feel bad to work on it. Heat, pulsing, sleepiness, touch, hearing, hearing, release, pulsing, sadness, sleepiness, hearing ...
11:30 Am feeling good about getting into the ProtEval stuff. Sadness, sleepiness, hearing. I resist staying with my feelings. To begin with, when I had all the time in the world to stay with them at Cloud Mountain one week ago, I did not want to. It was very unpleasant. I'm afraid of being alone.
11:50 I sense that this thrice-hourly break is indeed keeping me from getting into an unpleasant mental state. Yay! Even though, each time I take the break, I resist it. It makes me aware of my sadness. And, I suppose, my fear -- since that is likely what leads to sleepiness. Trying, now, to feel the fear between the sadness and the sleepiness.
12:06 Timer not yet, but felt beginnings of frustration. Trying to add a column to the Individual Spectra section of GetPeptide, and it is not trivial. A sql query returns a bunch of columns, but only some are displayed. Others are displayed conditionally. Column data is stored in a data structure called $pep. Resist delving into this structure.
12:16 Resisted by spending 10 minutes looking at family photos sent by Mom's cousin Jeanne.
12:30 Sadness! I'm never going to get what I really want.
12:40 Made a bit of progress on the $pep issue, but it's still murky. Should come back to it later.
2:03 An hour ago, went to eat lunch. Then talked with S about a project; was frustrated that we'd talked about most of the same things just 2.5 weeks ago, before I left on retreat. Then checked FB and now I'm back. I feel sad that I just spent time on FB instead of working to gain approval and acceptance ... need to leave in a little over an hour for my eye appt., too.
2:10 Figuring out $pep issue. Interesting ... attending to my feelings every 20 minutes no longer brings up messages like "there's not enough time", "this is hopeless", "this is dangerous", "you're not doing this right". Or, the messages are much quieter than they were a few months ago. I mostly just feel the sadness and sleepiness, and a bit of a tug to get back to work.
3:17 Time to go! I do feel better than usual at the end of the day. I can see that I accomplished enough. I feel a bit of a tug to stay and get more done, but it's not so bad.
Watching the mind let go of a bad habit
I returned Friday from a 2 week retreat with Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder on concentration meditation. Throughout the retreat I gave attention to sensations associated with trauma whenever they presented themselves strongly. At first this felt nourishing, but by day 9 of the retreat I didn't want to meditate and didn't want to look at the trauma sensations, and was left feeling isolated and trapped with the sensations. For the first time, I left a retreat with no desire to do another retreat anytime soon.
During the retreat I read a book on the Enneagram. In the past when I'd read such material, I'd identified myself as a 4, but this time I was beginning to see myself as a 6. People of personality type 6 have a deep desire for security and try to find security by aligning with an authority, an individual, or a group. They may also rebel against authorities, individuals, or groups. However, true security cannot be found by aligning or rebelling; it can only be found within oneself. Thus, these efforts of the 6 often lead to frustration.
Last night, in the middle of sleep, I came into a semi-wakeful state. I observed my mind do a remarkable thing. Some troubling circumstance of my life came to mind (don't remember what). I watched an urge arise to grasp and cling to a particular viewpoint associated with an authority. It was immediately apparent to me that I usually grasp and cling without even noticing the urge, but that in this case I was noticing the urge for perhaps the first time. Referring to what I'd learned about myself by reading about Enneagram type 6, I knew the urge would lead to folly. I let go of the urge. I then felt at sea, with nothing to hold onto. (Not unlike how I felt during my midday meditation of July 13, 2012.) I felt terror. I allowed the terror, and it eventually faded, allowing a sense of security to arise in its place.
I was in awe that my mind took a different direction than was its habit, and that I was able to observe the process in detail. I supposed that this was an after-effect of the retreat, that it was enabled by the resulting spaciousness of mind.
I continued to observe my mind after that, and noticed several similar processes ensue, with diminishing clarity and diminishing letting-go. Eventually I found myself with terror that would not fade. I remembered an instruction from my trauma recovery work: place attention on a part of the body that feels secure. I placed my attention on my right thigh, but the terror didn't diminish. I then fell back asleep.
It is said that insight can arise after a retreat's end. This seemed like an instance of that. It seemed miraculous. It gave me hope.
During the retreat I read a book on the Enneagram. In the past when I'd read such material, I'd identified myself as a 4, but this time I was beginning to see myself as a 6. People of personality type 6 have a deep desire for security and try to find security by aligning with an authority, an individual, or a group. They may also rebel against authorities, individuals, or groups. However, true security cannot be found by aligning or rebelling; it can only be found within oneself. Thus, these efforts of the 6 often lead to frustration.
Last night, in the middle of sleep, I came into a semi-wakeful state. I observed my mind do a remarkable thing. Some troubling circumstance of my life came to mind (don't remember what). I watched an urge arise to grasp and cling to a particular viewpoint associated with an authority. It was immediately apparent to me that I usually grasp and cling without even noticing the urge, but that in this case I was noticing the urge for perhaps the first time. Referring to what I'd learned about myself by reading about Enneagram type 6, I knew the urge would lead to folly. I let go of the urge. I then felt at sea, with nothing to hold onto. (Not unlike how I felt during my midday meditation of July 13, 2012.) I felt terror. I allowed the terror, and it eventually faded, allowing a sense of security to arise in its place.
I was in awe that my mind took a different direction than was its habit, and that I was able to observe the process in detail. I supposed that this was an after-effect of the retreat, that it was enabled by the resulting spaciousness of mind.
I continued to observe my mind after that, and noticed several similar processes ensue, with diminishing clarity and diminishing letting-go. Eventually I found myself with terror that would not fade. I remembered an instruction from my trauma recovery work: place attention on a part of the body that feels secure. I placed my attention on my right thigh, but the terror didn't diminish. I then fell back asleep.
It is said that insight can arise after a retreat's end. This seemed like an instance of that. It seemed miraculous. It gave me hope.
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