Me and the monster that is Work

7:30 am: In bed, noticed sadness associated with emotional abandonment of Eric on Sunday. Spoke about it with Eric; observed that I abandon myself in the same way. "For example, right now when I think of what action to take next, I see this gigantic thing above me and in front of me called Work. It is very large, like a building, and amorphous and impenetrable ... nothing subtle about it. And me, I'm a tiny nothing before it, I can't see who I am or what I am, don't know my needs or desires ... just notice that I feel vulnerable and alone, and lethargic ... and that I perhaps desire to just stay here and keep noticing this sadness and fear. But it seems my only choice is whether to get up in 10 or 20 or 30 minutes to go meet the blob, the monster that is Work. I have to go meet it. If I don't go meet it, I won't know what to do, and that would be scarier. And when I go to meet it, I have to stop noticing myself ... I can't feel this fear and sadness and work at the same time."

Actually, this last bit is debatable: in recent weeks, sometimes I've been able to keep feeling. And sometimes I've not.

Eric said that this sounded familiar to him.

Stayed in touch with the fear and sadness throughout commute to work up until this moment, 9:46 am. Noticed new subtleties of sensation and allowed new subtle movements in the muscles of the right throat and jaw ... tiny quiverings, pulsings, suckling movements ... gentle rocking of the head in synchrony. Took a more roundabout walking route from bus stop to office. As I noticed and allowed, the familiar messages came up: time to stop doing this, you don't know what you're doing, you're doing the wrong thing, this is useless, time to move on to something else, you will be punished. They had a tiny bit less influence than ever. I even thought, for the first time, that I can consider these messages as signs that I am doing something right. That I am allowing experiences that I've suppressed all my life. The messages are encouraging signposts, green lights!

As I walked to work, I thought about how much income I need to keep living in the house. If I keep getting rental income, then I only need another $1000/month for mortgage, and another $1000/month for my other expenses. And health insurance.