5:00 am 15-30 minutes seated noting. I'd been woken around 4 by Eric, startled, and re-traumatized when I forced myself to remain near him against strong urges. Then my mind raced with gloomy thoughts triggered by right-side tensions, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally decided to sit up. Against expectation, after some time, the suffering faded away. The tensions were still there, but there were no stories, and my body had found a position (curled somewhat to the right) where the urges to curl forward were in abeyance. I felt relief and gladness! (though I can't recall using those words in my noting ... but I did use 'peace'). Finally lay down to sleep, continuing to follow the body's urge to be in a semi-fetal position and continuing to note. Fell asleep quite soon and awoke at 8:00 with a peaceful mind.
8:30 am 30 minutes seated noting. My attention was gentle. There was a lot of thinking, but it seemed OK. A new gentleness with myself during the moment after I notice I've been thinking and begin to punish myself for it: I was able to have attention for the self-punishment and resulting anguish, and had new understanding that it was out of my control. The sitting was an interplay of sadness and joy. I didn't want to stop--but it was not painful to stop.
Traveled to Whidbey with M and visited N's family. I felt anxiety throughout the day, which I successfully modulated by taking meditation breaks--the breaks seemed to result in lessened anxiety and greater enjoyment. Whidbey felt peaceful. Walked slack line at beach, watched meteor shower at night.
No comments:
Post a Comment