Meditated some in the middle of sleeping time. Before going to sleep I had re-read the descriptions of the nanas in Shaila's Wisdom Wide and Deep. It talked about having a fervency to see the Three Characteristics of dukkha, anatta, and anicca, to cast off the burden of the illusion of self. (This is my paraphrase of her words.) I saw that I had such a fervency and reading WWD allowed me to value it more. So I went to sleep happy about the fervency and open to cultivating it--and it seemed that this is why, when I awoke slightly, I applied effort to meditate. And after a moment I snapped into the state I can snap into in the middle of sleep--strong concentration? A&P? Whatever it is.
7:20 am 60 minutes seated whispered noting. There was craving, but it was only about 25% as strong as it had been last night. The sitting was somewhat unpleasant, and I did wish for it to be over, but not strongly. A tiny bit of pleasure, but mostly neutral perceptions, plus the unpleasant craving. Didn't get lost in thought much.
1:00 30 minutes seated noting with group at work. Not unpleasant but not pleasant. The ending wasn't as painful as it had been in recent weeks.
9:30 pm 40 minutes noting while walking home from movie (Somewhere Between, by Mills classmate Pat Verducci). Two or three times, cars honked near me or drove loudly through puddles, and I was startled and immediately exclaimed "Aaaaagh!" -- and was thus able to let go of the experience immediately. The reaction was pre-noting. Such a change from how I was a year ago! So much better than holding it in. ... I experienced so much visual beauty on this walk. I didn't know how to note it. It wasn't pleasant, really. I didn't notice any pleasure. What I did notice was dukkha--some subtle, poignant longing. How do I know it's beauty if I don't notice pleasure? I'm not sure! Everything was so very vivid, and sometimes I didn't conceptualize what I saw right away--just saw it abstractly. I sometimes noted "beauty", sometimes "dukkha", "pain", "constriction", or "craving". I often dislike long walks in the rain, craving to reach my destination, but today I felt fairly neutral.
I think I understand now some of the suffering that happens as part of the path. Part of it is that one becomes more sensitive and thus experiences dukkha when previously there was numbness. However, there is a gladness and joyfulness along with the suffering. This is enabled by faith.
What to talk about with Beth tomorrow?
- Where am I in the progress of insight?
- What nanas have I been visiting?
- Talk about what it would mean to take on Gil as a primary teacher
- Confusion about how, on one hand, teachers write that it's useful to know what nana your'e in so that you can apply proper effort, but on the other hand, those same teachers (e.g. Shaila) don't encourage students to think in terms of which nana they're in.
- Maybe talk about orienting my life more toward the practice
- Maybe talk about the stress I experienced when we last met
- Retreats: maybe Tina/Stephen in March? Gil or Shaila in September? 2 or 3 months in 2014?
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