Today I had a mind clearing session. We examined my strategy of trying to live life in a way that is beyond reproach. The clearer asked me, "what are you trying to communicate to others by living in this way?"
I had never asked myself that before. I had looked at the source of the strategy, the early hurts. And I had looked at the benefits I receive from the strategy. But I had never looked at what I am trying to communicate.
I'm going to try to answer this question freshly now in this blog.
I am trying to communicate, "Please don't hurt me. I can't take any more hurt. Please just leave me alone."
And behind that is, Honestly I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything. All this social justice crap, it's just a facade. I have the utmost contempt for people who are benefiting from my so-called social justice work. I'm just trying to avoid criticism from the stupid, ignorant, crazy so-called progressive people I happen to live among. C'mon, give me a break. I really don't care and I really despise all those people! But I just cannot have people criticize me for not taking action. I just can't! I. JUST. CAN'T. And I'll do anything to avoid it. Please people, just leave me alone. You have no idea the pain I suffer when I'm criticized. I just can't stand it and I'm not going to have it anymore. I used to be carefree and naive and innocent. I didn't care about anybody but I also didn't try to hurt anybody either. I was just being myself, I was just living, I was just being, I was just enjoying this life. And then I was SMASHED. Right out of the blue. Holy cow, I'm never going to just innocently go about my business again. The world is fucking horrible, if that can happen. But you know, I know you won't give a fuck about me, because why should you? Your life is so much harder than mine right now and I won't deny that. Nobody ever believed that it hurt so much to be smashed, and if they did believe me, who cares, what good would it do? Here I am, I have two houses, I have excellent health, I have two amazing partners who are younger than me and one of them is rich, and my father is going to leave me a lot of real estate. I live in a safe city in a safe country and I'm treated like a white person. I'm super smart and I can get a job whenever I want and I know how to navigate the system. I'm hella privileged. So nobody is going to give me any sympathy. But even if I weren't privileged nobody would give me sympathy because there's no real sympathy to be had in this world. So please just leave me alone. Nobody believed me back then, nobody helped me, and nobody is going to believe me or help me now. Who has the capacity? This world is so deficient and I can't wait to leave it and finally rest. I'm one of the richest people in the world and I hardly have any capacity to help others myself. Yes, I was smashed. Boom, out of the sky. Taken away from my innocent play and isolated in my room. Nobody believed me when I said, I didn't know! I didn't know! I had no idea! I didn't know I was doing anything wrong! Nobody will believe me, nobody will even listen to me!
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Friday, July 12, 2019
Dialogs with Mom as an antidote to shame
Three weeks ago I was feeling strong shame about ... something. Somebody said something to me ... oh yes. It was feedback that C had given me in my volunteer job at Aegis. I had used the telephone together with an agitated resident, and C emailed that maybe the telephone had worsened the agitation and the head nurse asked that I never use the telephone again. I felt terrible and was about to reply with a compliant apology, but I stopped myself to try to work through my shame first.
I had tried reparenting myself in situations like this before. Allowing the inner child to speak, listening, responding. I ultimately reach back to a preverbal memory of being utterly abandoned in response to innocent behavior. The child says, "I know I am bad. Otherwise, why would they have abandoned me? How could they have done that to me unless I'm bad?" The child cannot fathom that those who loved her best and were responsible for her well being could possibly abandon her unless something was terribly wrong with her. Or rather, being so abandoned seems to the child the very definition of being bad.
And when I do this kind of inner work, the so-called adult Terry cannot find anything to say that reassures the child. "You are OK" ... "that was back then when you couldn't take care of yourself but now together we can handle things" ... none of these invocations provides substantial reassurance.
But after the email from C, I tried something different. I had just been learning, through experience, the power of deep apology. I had seen deep apology work in my relationship with Z, when Z feels shame and anger about some small slight. Though I knew the slight was small, I apologized profusely and expressed deep regret for my failing. And this meant something to Z. And then I reflected on times when others had done that for me. When Gil Fronsdal apologized for not getting me when I had hesitatingly and vaguely reached out to him for spiritual support while I was experiencing the fourth nana after my 2011 retreat (he apologized when I told him about it during a 2012 retreat). When V apologized to me in the late 1990's for having lashed out at me in a letter or email some months previous.
So after C's email, I imagined my mother apologizing profusely for her early abandonment. And I think in this it is easier that she is now dead. I imagined my 33 year old mother, young and beautiful and magically now fully wise and all-seeing, sitting by my side and saying, "Terry, dear Terry ... you did absolutely nothing wrong. My lashing out to you, my leaving you, had nothing to do with what you did or who you are. As I told you that time when you were in your 20's and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with you: there is nothing wrong with you. How could there be something wrong with you? You are my beautiful Theresa, my first-born! So perfect! I am so, so very sorry for what I did. If I could do anything to erase the hurt that I caused, I would. I did not intend to hurt you. I was hurting myself and I didn't know anything better to do. Please believe me. You are good. You are perfect. Your self-expression, your exuberance, your curiosity, your playfulness, your big loud beautiful voice ... your intelligence ... your love and compassion ... if only you knew how much I admired all of these things! If only I could have provided gentle steering, gentle guidance, instead of shaming you! Terry, please believe me. You are 100% OK. Going forward, we will face life together. I will be your ally. I will remind you of your goodness. We will put our heads together and you will gradually believe in your own goodness. And your belief in your own goodness is the best gift you can give to the world."
And this dialog eased my shame a great deal.
A day or two later, I again felt shame regarding something somebody said to me. I used this again, and again it worked. This second time, I also had to struggle with a familiar internal voice that said, "it may have worked last time, but it is not going to work again!" I've had long experience with this voice and I tried to forge ahead anyway, and I did, and I was glad.
Finally, just this evening, I conversed with Mom again in this way, in response to deep feelings of shame around a difficult problem I am currently facing. It was really difficult to persevere against the voice saying "it's not going to work again, it's stupid and possibly even harmful to keep trying!" I had to muster the utmost faith and courage to keep going, especially since at first the whole exercise seems so artificial and dry. But I did keep going, and again it brought me solace.
Very, very sweet that Mom can now help me in this way. I am more and more believing that she loved me deeply.
I had tried reparenting myself in situations like this before. Allowing the inner child to speak, listening, responding. I ultimately reach back to a preverbal memory of being utterly abandoned in response to innocent behavior. The child says, "I know I am bad. Otherwise, why would they have abandoned me? How could they have done that to me unless I'm bad?" The child cannot fathom that those who loved her best and were responsible for her well being could possibly abandon her unless something was terribly wrong with her. Or rather, being so abandoned seems to the child the very definition of being bad.
And when I do this kind of inner work, the so-called adult Terry cannot find anything to say that reassures the child. "You are OK" ... "that was back then when you couldn't take care of yourself but now together we can handle things" ... none of these invocations provides substantial reassurance.
But after the email from C, I tried something different. I had just been learning, through experience, the power of deep apology. I had seen deep apology work in my relationship with Z, when Z feels shame and anger about some small slight. Though I knew the slight was small, I apologized profusely and expressed deep regret for my failing. And this meant something to Z. And then I reflected on times when others had done that for me. When Gil Fronsdal apologized for not getting me when I had hesitatingly and vaguely reached out to him for spiritual support while I was experiencing the fourth nana after my 2011 retreat (he apologized when I told him about it during a 2012 retreat). When V apologized to me in the late 1990's for having lashed out at me in a letter or email some months previous.
So after C's email, I imagined my mother apologizing profusely for her early abandonment. And I think in this it is easier that she is now dead. I imagined my 33 year old mother, young and beautiful and magically now fully wise and all-seeing, sitting by my side and saying, "Terry, dear Terry ... you did absolutely nothing wrong. My lashing out to you, my leaving you, had nothing to do with what you did or who you are. As I told you that time when you were in your 20's and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with you: there is nothing wrong with you. How could there be something wrong with you? You are my beautiful Theresa, my first-born! So perfect! I am so, so very sorry for what I did. If I could do anything to erase the hurt that I caused, I would. I did not intend to hurt you. I was hurting myself and I didn't know anything better to do. Please believe me. You are good. You are perfect. Your self-expression, your exuberance, your curiosity, your playfulness, your big loud beautiful voice ... your intelligence ... your love and compassion ... if only you knew how much I admired all of these things! If only I could have provided gentle steering, gentle guidance, instead of shaming you! Terry, please believe me. You are 100% OK. Going forward, we will face life together. I will be your ally. I will remind you of your goodness. We will put our heads together and you will gradually believe in your own goodness. And your belief in your own goodness is the best gift you can give to the world."
And this dialog eased my shame a great deal.
A day or two later, I again felt shame regarding something somebody said to me. I used this again, and again it worked. This second time, I also had to struggle with a familiar internal voice that said, "it may have worked last time, but it is not going to work again!" I've had long experience with this voice and I tried to forge ahead anyway, and I did, and I was glad.
Finally, just this evening, I conversed with Mom again in this way, in response to deep feelings of shame around a difficult problem I am currently facing. It was really difficult to persevere against the voice saying "it's not going to work again, it's stupid and possibly even harmful to keep trying!" I had to muster the utmost faith and courage to keep going, especially since at first the whole exercise seems so artificial and dry. But I did keep going, and again it brought me solace.
Very, very sweet that Mom can now help me in this way. I am more and more believing that she loved me deeply.
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