Log 10/07/12

6:30 90 minutes seated noting. Many bouts of getting lost in thought re: r'ship with Eric, even though I tried catching the urge and noting "craving". It got worse as the session went on. During the last 1/2 hour I had strong tensions in the right torso and a lot of sadness. These persisted upon rising.

Mid-day: painted porch for 93-year-old neighbor. Walked there, 1.5 miles each way. Painted and walked home slowly and mindfully. Extraordinarily exquisite weather for October in Seattle: sunny, mid-70's.

5:45 pm While walking to my neighborhood sitting group, I repeatedly did Bentinho's "relax your mind for 2 to 5 seconds" exercise. I was able to repeat it over and over. On this beautiful sunny day, I experienced lots of visual pleasure, and after a while, thinking was at a very low level, almost unnoticeable. I asked myself, "Is this the state I'd like to be in all of the time? If this state could be continuous and reliable, would I be satisfied?"  The answer was clearly "no", but it was difficult to describe why. Here are some pieces of the answer, though: (1) Although I experienced a more direct contact with sensory phenomena than I do when lost in thought, and also much more direct than I ever experienced (undrugged) until several months ago, I still felt a separation. (2) There was still an underlying sense of dissatisfaction. (3) There was still, lurking in the background, anxiety about the future. Sure, this was pleasant, but it was also an unusually stress-free situation. Bentinho's "relax for 2 to 5 seconds" wouldn't be very handy in a social situation, or a situation demanding quick thinking and action.

I compared my experience to what I used to feel when I would drink a lot, then go for a walk (such as walking home from dancing in the mid-90's). The sensory experience during the drunken walks was more enjoyable; I seemed to experience less separation from phenomena. I remember walking by some favorite trees and hugging them and feeling such joy and sensual pleasure. And because the alcohol was keeping my mind in this receptive state, I didn't need to make any effort to be in the state. I would feel very free.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting with neighborhood sitting group. Another session where I felt like I was mired in this deep state akin to sleepiness. The state was appealing, in the same way that falling asleep is appealing, but I dreaded emerging from it. About 8 minutes before the end of the sitting I pulled myself out of it and kept my eyes open. It was really hard. I tried to note what the unpleasantness of emerging was, but I didn't find any words for it. It just seemed like a big schmear of sleepiness and attachment.

10:15pm 15 minutes seated noting before bed. I felt pretty content to meditate; it was not unpleasant, but I still looked forward to sleep. I didn't get into the deep state I was in during the sitting group.