Watching rape on TV with my father

I'm visiting my Dad in Millbrae, staying with him in the house I grew up in. I've done this 1 to 6 times per year since I struck out on my own as an adult. Until a few years ago, Mom was here, too.

During my 20s, 30s, and even 40s, staying here was significantly uncomfortable. Those discomforts mellowed out, and now I feel quite comfortable here. One of the biggest discomforts used to be the constant sound of the television in the common area of the house. I could hear it in my bedroom, and although it wasn't loud there, just the idea of it enraged me, triggered a sense of powerlessness. Now that I feel more in control of my own life, the idea of Dad watching lots of TV doesn't bother me much, and I've found that I can mute the sound of it by opening the bedroom door leading to the patio and running the fountain there.

Dad has always watched TV shows and movies that include sex and violence. This used to sicken and enrage me. I never wanted to be watching TV along with him when such scenes appeared, especially sex scenes. I don't like sharing anything sexual with him. I still avoid being in the room when he watches these shows.

Just now, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating the dinner I'd prepared for myself, and Dad was watching one of these shows. I knew I could move to the patio or even eat in my bedroom, but I didn't want to move. I was reading the newspaper but was aware of what was going on in the show. I could see that a rape scene was about to happen -- a teenage girl had been kidnapped by a middle aged man, and he had said to her, "let's get you cleaned up." Then, the rape scene happened. Then, another one. Then, another one.

I thought to myself, "am I re-enacting my own abuse by staying in this room and not saying anything? Am I re-enacting the situations in my childhood where I felt absolutely unable to say 'no'? Is it peculiar that I am staying in the room? Is it peculiar that I cannot even think of asking Dad to not watch such shows while I am in the room?" To ask him not to watch such shows while I'm in the room would require me to engage him on the topic of sex and violence, and I don't want to. My sense is that it would feel icky to me, the way watching these shows with him feels icky, and that he wouldn't be sympathetic. Or, if he were sympathetic, he'd ask me to let him know when a show was too sexual or violent, and then I'd need to engage with him repeatedly.

It's his house.

But I'm not wanting to control what he does in his house, exactly. I'm wishing for my own father to have some sensitivity on the subject of violence and rape. I want him to know that by displaying these scenes to me he is, in a sense, violating me.

I never thought this before, but right now the word "compartmentalization" comes up when I think about my relationship with my dad. I appreciate him for his affection for me, his goodwill toward me, the hard work he did to support our family growing up, and the practical lessons he taught me. And I just try not to think about his extreme lack of sensitivity regarding sex and violence.

Deep dialog with inner child

Slowly, gradually, I've more and more been tuning into the channel of the inner child. I'm not sure that's the best term for it. I'm talking about the inner voice that narrates the deeper experience, as opposed to the louder voice that talks about what is desired in the moment, that constructs stories about what is happening right now, that strives for self-improvement and constantly evaluates self and others, that plans and ruminates.

I'm here in Millbrae at Dad's house with a free evening. I found myself mindlessly browsing Facebook and not wanting to do any of my to-dos. So here I am. I'm sitting with an improvised hugging pillow and I now intend to transcribe the inner child channel to the best of my ability.

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oh how embarrassing what I just wrote ... I like the inner sensations but there is longing ... but pleasant tingling in the throat and chest and limbs ... tension in the shoulder ... longing longing ... this is never going to work what a waste of time .. what do I mean when the words waste of time arise?  Lonely, alone, void ... the enneagram books say this is where the gold is ... in the voidness dark, is treasure ... I've been here on the brink of the void so many times, ow to find the courage to enter?

glad I stopped the avoidance and came here ... to meet myself. what a treasure what an opportunity to be able to meet myself ... to have the time and safety, the leisure ... the support from my partners and therapist and books! hellow me. I know with certainty, I am the only one who can love me, to be present with me. it's all that matters.

the void ... gently playing with the edges of it .. i've heard there is spaciousness in there ...

I've been bad, just did stuff on my phone ... I'll never get anywhere unless I'm more diligent! no wait ... that's the story that always comes up ... it's not true! it's just a thought! ... it is in a way safe and cozy feeling here with just me and the body sensations ... safe ... and here is the void ...

the lyrics "Stay with me ... let loving start " roll through my head, my body. they are among the most heart wrenching lyrics I've ever heard ... Eric used to listen to that song while we worked together in our early years and it tore my heart apart ... I usually tense up against the feelings of melancholy ... relaxing into it I see that "stay with me" is what I longed for from my mother as I knew her as an infant .. the loving mother ... it's the thing I long for most, reunion with that unconditional love ... that I know now I can give myself. Here I am, me!

let's listen to the messenger who says, "this is the wrong thing to be doing, if only you'd do the right thing, you'd be happy." What tales does she have to tell?

<long break>

whatever sensations arise, most of them aren't the right ones. They're sensations that signify I haven't arrived, that I have more work to do. Why, I ask? How do I know that this is what they signify? ... it's because I am bad, therefore any sensations I experience are bad ... it's that if I'm bad or if I'm doing the wrong thing, I have company (mom?) ... if I'm good or doing the right thing, I'm alone, my people are not with me.