Practice notes

10:53 a.m.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.

I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"

Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.

Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:

During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.

After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "

After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.

Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.

Thirsting for liberation, inquiring into the self

Did first 3 days of a 7 day Insight Dialogue retreat with Gregory Kramer and Mary Burns on Samish Island last weekend. Suffered as usual with vague mental/physical malaise felt in the right throat/chest. Asked of the universe that I be completely liberated, whatever it takes, even if it involves great pain, suffering, or loss. That I prefer it not be difficult, but am willing for it to be difficult. Before and after retreat I read two of Jan Frazier's books. Frazier had a spontaneous, complete, permanent awakening at age 50. She evocatively conveys what it is like to awaken and to be awake, more eloquently and at greater length than any other writer I've read. This inspired me, stirred in me the knowledge that it can happen in this very life.

Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.

In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.

Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.

Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.

Notes from recent practice

This post has more unexplained jargon than usual. All terminology is explained in Ingram's Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha.

I hope I am on my way to 2nd path, now that the frequency and regularity of my Vipassana practice has increased.

Was doubting that I'd attained first path. Then out of the blue had a fruition during a recent sit. Or at least I had something that Kenneth Folk said was a fruition back in the weeks after first path when I was having them a lot. Something like sleepiness, then something like falling asleep for just a second. Then a bliss wave.

I want another one so I can pay more attention to it. Several more!

Last night I was meditating -- noting, actually -- in my sleep. For hours. Don't know what that's about. It wasn't as vivid as it was during my first time through the A&P. I don't think it's my second time through the A&P because I seemed to go through that in August 2012, the couple of days right before orienteering in Laramie. I should be past the 2nd A&P.

In recent weeks I have been paying more attention to the nanas as I pass through then during each sitting and I am finally getting a feel for them. States that I'd formerly thought of as bad meditation I now see as nanas and not bad at all. In particular, Dissolution, where one sees mainly the endings of things - I find it hard to note during that nana and had previously thought it was poor concentration. It's just the 5th nana. I especially enjoy the 8th (?) nana, Desire for Deliverance. Before I knew how to recognize it, it's description made it sound quite unpleasant. But it's amazing to be so clear that samsara is undesirable,  so wonderful to know with certainty that letting go is the absolute right thing to do. Finally, the 10th nana, Equanimity, can have poor concentration and that's just a feature of that nana that one has to be wary of.