For the past several months (I don't know how many months, probably between 6 and 36) I've been sometimes working with my morning dread by trying to allow all sensations and associated words. This is always hard work, especially getting started. It's hard to get started because initially the conglomeration of sensations and words is perceived as a big, thick, impenetrable and unpleasant mess, and there is a strong habit of avoidance. The mind prefers to daydream or otherwise escape. I motivate myself by reminding myself that this work requires the utmost courage.
This morning there was a breakthrough. Actually, several breakthroughs.
- I gained clarity that anger is simply sensations plus images of striking out
- I gained clarity that there is thus no need to fear anger
- I saw that what seems impenetrable is simply a rapid succession of experiences, some of which I've found scary and wanted to avoid
Today the succession of experiences included:
- anger (tingling in right arm & torso accompanied by images of striking out)
- sensations of sadness (quivering in throat, other sensations) and a story about the tragedy of living nearly 61 years before seeing all of this and how it would be better to retain old habits rather than experience the sadness of this tragedy
- tingling in the throat & vocalizations & images of abandonment for disturbing others with the vocalizations
- nothingness; not knowing who I am or what to do
- self-loathing: tingling in the abdomen, thoughts of being too fat, thoughts that something is wrong
- fear of change, of letting go of old patterns, of the unknown
