Returned a couple days ago from a camping trip to Central Oregon to see the solar eclipse. During that trip I did a couple of intense sessions of inner work. One of the sessions was very uncomfortable and left me feeling down. The sense immediately afterward was that the session was a waste of time: I didn't seem to gain any insight and during the session I felt mired in dark, despairing memories of being hated and ignored as a very young child. I had intended to go to these memories, but had hoped I'd "get through them" to someplace lighter.
But perhaps the session had a positive after-effect, because this morning, while doing inner work, several new insights arose relatively painlessly. I directed my attention to very familiar and long-standing issues, issues I've attended to many times before, and, to my delight, I saw the mind go places I hadn't realized it had been avoiding.
Lately I've been doing more compulsive eating, and perhaps this is associated with having a lot more free time. I've slowly been gaining weight and feeling shame about the growing size of my belly. This has been an issue for me on and off throughout my life, but it wasn't until today that I gave attention to the words and images associated with the shame. Here is what arose: "you are really terrible. You stupid idiot, you massive moron. Can't you just do what's right?" Then, images of children in the schoolyard with their backs turned towards me. I hadn't realized until now the prominence and significance of this scene in my memories of childhood. I was often, perhaps usually, on the outside, sitting by myself at lunch, joining in games of four-square and kickball but not feeling I belonged in the circles of girls standing around talking. And I believed that my (slight) chubbiness was partly responsible. Even though a couple girls chubbier than I were in those circles, I thought that only if I were thin and looked cute in knee socks the way Erin P. did, I'd have more success.
After examining the meaning of my fat belly, I moved onto the meaning of physical fitness. I feel desperate to maintain my physical fitness as I age, yet at the same time I experience a lot of resistance to exercise, and don't do as much as would benefit me. And there is a lot of anxiety around this. When I reflect on my desires for fitness, I see a desire something much more than ordinary elder fitness. I fantasize about being super limber, super strong, and having super stamina. I want to be able to turn cartwheels, throw around bales of hay, and run marathons. I want to be super powerful and superior to the vast majority of my peers. I reflected on what I thought life would be like if I were quite stiff, fat, and weak in old age. Images arose of my caregivers gossiping about me behind my back, and serving me while holding back disgust. I knew I was afraid of this but hadn't experienced it so vividly before.
At some point, the frequent superego message arose, "this is a waste of time". This message has long mystified me: what does it mean to my psyche to waste time? If there was something that the superego thought was more important to do with my time, it wasn't telling me what it was. Today, I again asked what this meant, and immediately saw the deeper message: "I am afraid to go deeper because I don't know what's there. I like where I am; it's comfortable and I don't want to lose it." Ah.
After this morning's session of inner work, I browsed through stuff on my computer and watched a video of Mom during the early stages of her dementia. Anger arose toward her. Previously, I had felt nothing but affection for Mom during the years she had dementia (with the exception of times when she was being extraordinarily difficult). I looked at her face in the video and was able to feel contempt. Score.
In general I have lately been noticing the mind going places I hadn't before realized it had been avoiding. There is a sense of the mind going somewhere familiar, then looking off to the side and noticing that that view was also familiar, then the thought arising, "Aha! I can actually go there as well! Hadn't realized that before! Let's go have a look!" Satisfying.
