Today, a bit more than ever before, I feel anger as raw sensation, nothing to be feared. There is still the compulsion to fear it, but that compulsion is weaker than ever. I am feeling it right now. At the moment, it has no target, although it was triggered a few minutes ago when Z was upset that Eric and I had taken all of last night's leftovers. It's a strong pulsing in the right neck ... a shimmering tingling in the right jaw, neck, upper arm, throat. I can kind of enjoy it.
This--after a session with Trip yesterday which felt rather unpleasant, and, at the end of which I felt quite down. During that session I was playing with intimacy and anger. About 2/3 of the way through the session, Trip suggested I go through the motions of punching him in the face. I didn't feel like doing that, but I've had positive results in the recent past when I've pushed myself a little to do things I didn't feel like doing (for example, a couple of weeks ago, using strong language to express anger at Trip ... also, two or three months ago, agreeing to sit close to Trip and each have contact with the same large pillow placed on our laps). So I did push. But this time it resulted in feeling overwhelmed and shut down.
[Added later: Notable is that, also yesterday, I had my first full-length Feldenkrais lesson. I was half asleep through most of it, but greatly enjoyed having arms and legs gently moved by my teacher.]
Just returned less than 48 hours ago from ten days with Z in Italy, spectating at the World Orienteering Championships and participating in the Five Days of Italy. Every day was thoroughly enjoyable. Before and during this trip, Eric and Z and I formed an intention to live more as a triad.
