Investigating the illusion of self: Step Two

Stripping Away Expectations

What do you expect liberation is going to be like?
At first, it's going to be cool and nifty to see something I'd never seen before. I always love new insights into reality! After the initial coolness, life is going to be pretty much the same as before, but I will be able to move forward along the path toward greater liberation. That path may be rocky but in the end it will grant so much relief from suffering!

What do you want from it?
I want freedom from suffering, for sure. I also want to see the truth, but am a bit ambivalent about that. I don't want the truth if it means an overall increase in suffering. Finally, I want more intimacy with life.

How do you imagine an awakened human behaves?
The same as any other human, except less prone to anger and violence.

What will liberation feel like?
At least at first, there will be some new ease and relief. After that, it will be mostly as before, except with a new perspective..

What do you expect to be different from now?
There is a fair chance, I think, that my anxiety about making good choices will lessen. I hope that there will be less identification with the thought world. I will see that self is as much an illusion as Santa Claus.

What will liberation give you, and what do you hope for?
I hope for this initial liberation to be the first step along a path to complete liberation and freedom from suffering.

What do you not want it to be like?
I don't want it to lead to increased and protracted suffering.

What is it that wants things to be different?

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Next day, found more expectations:
Liberation will reduce hesitation and doubt
Liberation will make life more juicy and interesting

Investigating the illusion of self: Step One

I am beginning the seven steps outlined by Ilona Ciunaite in her book Liberation Unleashed. These are steps to follow in breaking the illusion of a separate self that makes decisions, thinks, and does things. Three years ago I worked with a guide at liberationunleashed.com to investigate this illusion, but I now think I did not complete the work. "Self" is supposed to be seen clearly as illusion to the same degree as Santa Claus is seen as illusion, and that is not where I am.

So I am supposed to copy a paragraph and notice whether fear arises:

There is no separate self at all in reality--no agent in charge, no manager, no watcher, no owner of life; all there is, is life flowing freely as one movement, one reality, one life, one nature, one intelligence, one god, one flow, whatever word resonates most. The separate self, or "I," is an illusion; there never was such an entity and never will be.

I do not notice fear arising. What I notice is mild excitement, relief, and joy. There are shimmering sensations in the chest and throat. The breath is flowing more easily. The child "self" is almost tearful with relief; she has felt for so long the burden of wanting to manage life properly.

After that, there is some fear, with the words, "all I know of myself is Self! If we get rid of that, what will there be left of me?" It seems that my existence is being threatened. There is a tightening of the throat.

What is the fear itself?
What is this fear protecting? -- it is protecting the child, the child who once felt threatened with annihilation and has been strategizing ever since for survival.
What needs to be protected? -- Me.
What is it that feels threatened? -- The child.

Then, resistance arose, in the form of a desire to watch TV. Resistance, what is going on? I am afraid that I am not going to get this! I am afraid of trying and failing. I already failed multiple times.

Aw, sweetheart! It is so hard to try and fail. Yes, and I have been failing my whole life! Tell me about that. So many times I followed instructions that got me nowhere, like being a good Catholic, praying to St. Jude about the frog book, and doing self-hypnosis, and psychotherapy, and getting a PhD, and trying to succeed in my career, and the retreat with Pa Auk Sayadaw. Well, even as I write all that, I see the many many areas where I did succeed, sometimes by following instructions. I feel a bit encouraged.

Now, back to the fear of annihilation.

Fear, why are you here? What are you trying to tell me? Please share your wisdom.
I'm a bit afraid of things being different. They are sort of comfortable now. I have been easily able to handle life for quite a while. Sure, there are times of suffering, sometimes intense suffering.

What about the fear of annihilation?
"There is no you." That sounds so strong, so threatening! It reminds me that sometimes people have acted as though there is no me.

Now, I am supposed to look behind the fear. Is there anything behind it?

Not that I can see.

My neighbor Vera

Vera Eggers, 1924-2019

  

I read the following at Vera's memorial service today:

Vera was my neighbor. I met her ten years ago when I first moved into the neighborhood. I enjoyed knowing older people, and Vera was the oldest person on the block. We did different things together, including going to performances and having tea and cookies in her kitchen. But what I remember most are our walks together. We walked slowly and noticed lots of little things. Vera knew each individual house in the neighborhood and could comment on what had changed: what had been newly planted, what tree had been removed, whose yard had been tidied up, whose yard had been neglected. We liked having specific destinations. Once we walked to the newly opened Sherwin Williams paint store, just to have a look. Another time, she and Dan and I walked to the nearby McDonalds to see the recent remodel. When Vera moved to Exeter House, we stopped walking together, but she continued to walk frequently in nearby Freeway Park and won a contest for most distance walked. When Exeter House closed and she moved to Ida Culver House in our neighborhood, we would walk together in the spacious grounds. Vera hung a string of beads on her walker to keep track of how many laps she did each day. Walking with Vera, I forgot my worries and lived in the moment. I miss our walks and I miss Vera.

Today's chat with the child self

I've been in the attic for about an hour now, with the intention to dialog with the inner child. First, I posted a photo to facebook, read about what might be causing our internet data overage, and re-reading old blog posts. I wanted to find what I'd written before about the dread I feel upon waking. Because this morning I explored it by dialoguing with the inner child, and found that underneath the fear was grief. I read that in one previous exploration, I'd found that underneath the fear was ... something else. Can't remember. It wasn't grief.

For the past hour I've been avoiding doing this dialog. This type of dialog is hard work. But it's not that unpleasant once I get into it. So let's dive in now.

Me: Dear child self, I'm sorry I've been avoiding you this past hour. What is up for you?

Child: Well ... it's taking me a sec to know. [relaxation] [breathing] [craving in right side of mouth] I'm afraid I'm a really boring person, there's not much to say.

Me: That's OK. We have lots of time. We have three hours right now!

Child: [silence, slight swaying of body] [sighing] [tingling in the belly] I'm afraid I'm just going to go to sleep.

Child: I'm so sad about the past. [song: Everybody's Talkin' At Me] I'm seeing our family walking on the grassy field wearing gauzy clothes and holding hands and it's about 1965, and we're happy, but I'm sad!

Me: What if you put yourself back there, on that grassy field with the family?

Child: Well, it's carefree excitement. Innocent: I don't even know that there is anything to worry about. But simultaneously that song is playing and there is sadness. [fullness in the throat] Now I know that there are 1000 things to worry about and I can't un-know that.

Child: Terry, it's just so sad and I don't know what to do about it! I don't know what more to tell you!
I do like feeling into the fullness in the throat. It's kind of pleasant.

Me: Can you let go of the sadness for the time being and just be with that fullness?

Child: Yes. There is mild pleasantness and no sad thoughts.

Me: Could it be that sadness is a resistance to some pleasant sensations in the throat?

Child: Maybe!

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Next day:

I dialogued with the child self upon waking. It was easier to do at that time. Very natural, much less resistance. I essentially got to the same place in the dialog. I then tried to be with the sadness. One additional challenge was that I was cuddled with Z. Fear arises when I am in proximity to another person. Each time Z moved her body, fear arose. Adult Terry was impatient that child Terry was not moving through the sadness, or going behind it, quickly. It was challenging to be patient.