Deepening intimacy with Z. Both of us are somewhat incredulous that this is happening. For each of us, our insecurities about the other have diminished a lot over the past month. We are doing very similar emotional work, with anger, movement, staying with feelings, being easy on ourselves. Usually when we sleep together I spend a good portion of the night awake or semi-awake, meditating or allowing myself to feel anger or longing, and there is some level of interaction with Z in that. My sense is that she is somehow in tune with me and in some way fed by my work as I am doing it, even though it often causes me to push her away either physically or emotionally.
This morning at 4:00 (sleeping with E) I found myself semi-awake with a ton of anxiety. I reluctantly sat up on my pillow and began my now-routine late night inner work. I usually do either classic Mahasi-style noting practice, or inner-child work. Sometimes I switch between the two, although the switching feels painful--perhaps pain of loss or letting go. Or pain of thinking, "I was doing the wrong practice". It is remarkable to me how different my experience of the two practices are--observation of sensation and emotion without story, and then adding story/personality to the observation by personifying the source of the sensation/emotion. So much more I could write on this, especially since it is outside the realm of most people's experience. Today I started with noting, then switched to inner-child. I worked for perhaps 90 minutes. I kept reminding myself to have "the utmost courage" because I wanted to quit every step of the way. The primary experience was of longing. I didn't used to know what painful longing was, but now I do. Deep, acute, with a sense of not getting, of never getting. And not knowing the object of my longing. Though I suspect I long for safety and love. At the beginning I felt frozen, no movement of body or emotion. I pushed myself a little to rock and to move my jaw--two things that T encourages me to do, though I mightily resist following his instructions in his office--and that opened up new realms of feeling. Gradually, oh so gradually, things softened. My body moved more, my mouth opened wide at one point, small noises emerged from my throat. At one point, "Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god ..." continuously. Then, I think, "Mamma, mama ..." ... though not sure about that. The locus of sensation moved around from right arm to right jaw to right abdomen, with occasional brief bursts of pleasure in the vulva. At times my right arm moved out, around, behind, in a way that felt easeful and satisfying. Even though things were softening, opening, moving, I still almost continuously desired to quit and go back to sleep. (Which I did, eventually.) I had two new memories during this work. The first was a memory of the delight of being a small child and interacting with a trusted adult. I remembered Louis Ganem ("Uncle Louie") who came over to fix our television and I imagined, or remembered, being filled with delight that he was there, delighted in us, happy to see us, reflecting our exuberance. And doing something really different and interesting--fixing our TV! My sense is that the visuals of this "memory" are not from the original experience, but are rather memories of memories. But the visceral sense of the experience, the delight, is an original memory, one that I had not accessed since childhood. The second memory was of being very small and seeing the lower legs of several adults sitting on the living room couch and chairs.
Yesterday I delivered an excellent talk at work on my research. I received 6 or 7 very glowing comments afterward. I felt happy all day and the happiness continues now. I asked myself why I was so happy. I think it is because I imagined I was receiving the two things I most long for: love and safety. Love, in the form of the appreciative comments, and safety, in the form of knowing I wasn't going to get severely reprimanded that day (my supervisor, G, was one of the ones who provided glowing comments).
This morning at 4:00 (sleeping with E) I found myself semi-awake with a ton of anxiety. I reluctantly sat up on my pillow and began my now-routine late night inner work. I usually do either classic Mahasi-style noting practice, or inner-child work. Sometimes I switch between the two, although the switching feels painful--perhaps pain of loss or letting go. Or pain of thinking, "I was doing the wrong practice". It is remarkable to me how different my experience of the two practices are--observation of sensation and emotion without story, and then adding story/personality to the observation by personifying the source of the sensation/emotion. So much more I could write on this, especially since it is outside the realm of most people's experience. Today I started with noting, then switched to inner-child. I worked for perhaps 90 minutes. I kept reminding myself to have "the utmost courage" because I wanted to quit every step of the way. The primary experience was of longing. I didn't used to know what painful longing was, but now I do. Deep, acute, with a sense of not getting, of never getting. And not knowing the object of my longing. Though I suspect I long for safety and love. At the beginning I felt frozen, no movement of body or emotion. I pushed myself a little to rock and to move my jaw--two things that T encourages me to do, though I mightily resist following his instructions in his office--and that opened up new realms of feeling. Gradually, oh so gradually, things softened. My body moved more, my mouth opened wide at one point, small noises emerged from my throat. At one point, "Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god ..." continuously. Then, I think, "Mamma, mama ..." ... though not sure about that. The locus of sensation moved around from right arm to right jaw to right abdomen, with occasional brief bursts of pleasure in the vulva. At times my right arm moved out, around, behind, in a way that felt easeful and satisfying. Even though things were softening, opening, moving, I still almost continuously desired to quit and go back to sleep. (Which I did, eventually.) I had two new memories during this work. The first was a memory of the delight of being a small child and interacting with a trusted adult. I remembered Louis Ganem ("Uncle Louie") who came over to fix our television and I imagined, or remembered, being filled with delight that he was there, delighted in us, happy to see us, reflecting our exuberance. And doing something really different and interesting--fixing our TV! My sense is that the visuals of this "memory" are not from the original experience, but are rather memories of memories. But the visceral sense of the experience, the delight, is an original memory, one that I had not accessed since childhood. The second memory was of being very small and seeing the lower legs of several adults sitting on the living room couch and chairs.
Yesterday I delivered an excellent talk at work on my research. I received 6 or 7 very glowing comments afterward. I felt happy all day and the happiness continues now. I asked myself why I was so happy. I think it is because I imagined I was receiving the two things I most long for: love and safety. Love, in the form of the appreciative comments, and safety, in the form of knowing I wasn't going to get severely reprimanded that day (my supervisor, G, was one of the ones who provided glowing comments).
