Dialoging around work anxiety

Doing bioinformatics work at Dad's house. I've learned a lot about work resistance: I've seen that every minute or so, I want to distract myself, and that if I don't, I notice unpleasant emotion. It's a desire to have completed my task, to not have to make effort to get it done. I don't like making the kind of effort that includes uncertainty and/or slowness.

Inner child: I feel deep longing, and sadness. I don't want to think about why the no-call count is only 17 while 20 alleles were observed. It will be hard to find out why the no-call count is only 17. I'm afraid that while I do that, I will lose memory of the context. I'm afraid of letting go of what is in my mind right now in order to go answer this question. There is a pulsing constriction in my right throat. It's not unpleasant. There is also activation in my right arm, as though I'm about to  hit someone.

I don't like acknowledging how far I am from my goal.

Why I'm going to North Dakota

I'm on my way to Oceti Sakowin camp to support the water protectors. This is my second trip. The urge to come out here first arose when I viewed a rough phone video of dogs attacking Native Americans on September 3. The thought arose, "there should be white people there to stand between the Native people and the dogs." And I wanted to be one of those white people. (As a light-skinned Arab-American of Christian heritage, I have characteristics of both white and non-white.)

Yesterday I recalled the life events that allowed that thought to arise.

Growing up during the civil rights movement of the 1960's, I enthusiastically adopted the idea that black Americans should have the same rights and protections as whites. I strove to act color blind, to treat everyone the same regardless of race-- a seemingly anti-racist strategy that was in the air at the time. I was shocked and ashamed to realize, when I went to college, that despite these intentions I was ill at ease around black Americans. I've thought about this a lot and I still can't exactly put my finger on it, but it's something about fear that they will see me too deeply and then reject me or laugh at me. Zarina heard from a racial equity consultant, "White people want to be seen as good. People of color want to be seen." The need to be seen as good, or at least to not have my non-goodness reflected back at me, runs strong in me, and is an aspect of my whiteness.

I think I can put this unease concisely: I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, and on an emotional level the stakes seem very high. I also felt this unease around Native Americans but encountered it less often.

I've not liked this discomfort. But it has only been recently that I've felt the inner strength and had the outer support to face the discomfort. And, only recently has it become clear to me that facing this discomfort is necessary for the embracing of my full humanity.

About 18 months ago, Zarina's workplace began racial equity training for its small staff, a lengthy and intensive program that continues today. Zarina's understanding was deepened and she shared with me and Eric ideas that deepened our understanding as well. So it was that in August 2015, when two black women interrupted Bernie Sanders as he was about to speak to a crowd gathered in the hot sun in Seattle's Westlake Plaza, interrupted him to talk at length about oppression, I was easily persuaded to see that this was a good and right thing. And then: shocked to see that others, my white friends, relatives, neighbors, and co-workers, did not for the most part see it that way.

Zarina then encouraged me and Eric to also seek training in racial equity. We began attending events organized to raise the awareness of white people.

As a result I have become aware of the enormity of the privilege enjoyed by white Americans. (And I use that word "enjoy" with hesitation, because this privilege is something that lulls us to sleep and strips away part of our humanity.) Part of that privilege is the expectation of being treated with a certain measure of respect almost everywhere we go. I learned that during political demonstrations if white people are present then treatment by security and law enforcement is likely to be more civil.

This training has also deepened my understanding of negative judgments I've held regarding some words and actions of some black Americans and Native Americans. I've seen more deeply that these judgments are rooted in white supremacy-- meaning that I and every single person in America have been taught that the ideals favored by white people are the correct, best ideals. Things like hard work, efficiency, succeeding in a career, financial planning, living within one's means, operating as an independent person, and even using correct spelling and grammar. The phrase "white supremacy" is very upseting to we white people who think we're anti-racist because it brings to mind the KKK and other forms of overt racism. It took me a while to understand that it also describes this supremacy of ideals. Because white folks hold the power in America, these ideals are imposed upon everyone. And further, these ideals are deeply entangled with the genocide and slavery that enabled white domination. These ideals continue to perpetuate the genocide and slavery, in ways that are designed to be easily ignored by whites.

I stand with the Standing Rock Sioux water protectors because all of the above gives me 100% certainty that their voices have been grossly disregarded by the decision makers. Because the well-being of all humans and the planet depends on shattering the illusion that our white-dominated legal, governmental, and economic system is a just one for Native Americans.

And it is also true that I do not know why I stand with the water protectors. I just know that I am sitting on an eastbound train with the intention of getting off in Minot, North Dakota, and making my way to Oceti Sakowin camp, where Eric and Sooja will be waiting for me.

Allowing feelings of anger

Have been reading the book Radical Honesty. The idea is that we can cut a lot of suffering out of our lives if we tell the truth to others instead of being polite and harboring resentment. Very inspiring. Made me aware of how much of my suffering is due to hiding my resentment of others, especially relatives, those I live with, and those I work with. (It's not so much a problem with my partners, because I feel quite comfortable expressing my resentment toward them, and there's little I've hidden from either of them.)

From time to time throughout my life I've tried expressing my resentments toward others as a way of finding freedom, and in almost every case it's done the opposite. In almost every case, I've gotten afraid and withdrawn. So I'm not eager to repeat this mistake. If I'm going to try again, I want to know that I have the resources to follow through and stay close to people.

Yesterday evening Z and I took a walk and we expressed our resentments to each other. It didn't feel particularly freeing in the moment to me. Later in the evening, Z made a statement about a political candidate whom she does not support, a statement that triggers anger for me. I told Z what I didn't like about the statement. She answered back forcefully. Usually I withdraw in anger when she does this, but this time I realized that I withdraw because sensations of anger arise strongly and I want the sensations to go away. This time, I answered her back. We had a vigorous debate. She did at least 75% of the speaking, putting forth her views with statements crafted to dominate. Each time, I felt an urge to either do violence or withdraw, and each time, instead of either of those, I collected my thoughts (difficult to do when feeling angry) and answered her back as powerfully as I could.

Today, at work, I'm continuing to allow feelings of anger. They are present almost all the time. I don't know if they're actually feelings of anger all the time; they might just be feelings of aliveness and potency. I found that when my co-worker clipped her nails at her desk, it didn't trigger rage to the extent it usually does. In other words, I was less bothered by misophonia.

Further examinations of work anxiety

[Written a few days ago.] Am working at Dad's house today. It is really nice to work "at home" ... and, I do distract myself more, which I think makes me less productive per unit time.

6:28 p.m.

Worker-bee: Let's shift attention back to work.

Inner Child: No, I don't want to!

WB: Why not! C'mon, you have to. It's necessary, it's important. If we don't shift our attention back to work, a lot of worse unpleasantness is going to ensue.

<Lift eyes to terminal screen. Slight gagging feelings arise, as well as slight physical urges to fight with the right side of the body.>

WB: It looks like you're repulsed and angry. What's up?

IC: You don't care about me at all. You just want to get the work done.

WB: Yup. You're right. Actually, I do care, but I'm very awkward about it and very anxious to get this work done. I want to get it done and I don't have time to listen to you. But, OK, I know it's important to listen, and if not now, then when? Much easier to listen here while working at home. OK, listening.

IC: I really hate this work.

WB: Why?

IC: Well, for one, what's the point?

WB: The point is that this is how we earn our livelihood.

<Powerful urges to browse the internet, eat, etc.>

IC: I just don't want to. I don't know why. You have plenty of time today. Take some time to listen to me.

WB: OK.

IC: You don't care about me. You don't let me do fun stuff.

WB: OK. What kind of fun stuff?

IC: I don't know. Not sure. Well, it's kind of nice to just sit here and feel the nice sensations and have you give me a break.

WB: OK.

IC: I kind of like the sensations in the right side of the body. I kind of like just feeling them. But this is also making me sleepy, and I don't want to go to sleep because I'll feel groggy when I get up.

WB; OK, I was lost and didn't know what to do, so I read Ilona's website, Marked, Eternal, again, to remember how to do Deep Looking. I'm supposed to start with, "So be it," then move onto Welcoming, Thanking and Listening Deeply to what Mind and Heart have to Say.
IC: That sounds nice. I'm getting that you don't really want to do this, and sleepiness is coming.
WB: I want to but I'm not sure I know how to.
IC: That's how I feel about all that computer programming stuff.
WB; Are you at peace?
IC: No!
WB; What do you want the most?
IC: Ice cream.

WB; Really?
IC: I want to know that everything, everything, is totally OK and that I will be OK no matter what I do. That I don't have to do anything. That I can just rest.

WB; Thank you. Hmm, when we were at Cloud Mountain last time with Tina and Stephen, all you had to do was rest, but you weren't happy.
IC: Hmm, not sure about that.

WB; Thank you. What is in the way of feeling relaxed now?
IC: Fear of nothingness, of being alone and bored and nothing to do and just falling asleep.

Next day:

WB; (completed a micro-task, noticed resistance at moving on)
IC: I don't want to leave that task! I put myself into it. I don't want to let go of that task. That task is ME now, I made something, I created something. And I don't want to go to the next task. It feels hard! I don't want to figure out what to do next.

WB; It seems you have an easier time when you have a checklist. If the next task is on the checklist, you have an easier time going to it.
IC: Yes, and I have an easier time letting go of the previous task, because I am excited about getting tasks done so that I can know I'm a good girl.

Later that day, shortly after watching a 1972 video of Marvin Gaye singing "What's Going On?", triggering a melancholic feeling:

WB; Why don't you want to focus on the work?
IC: I am so sad. So very, very, very sad. I can't even tell you how sad I am. It just seems pointless. I lost the most important thing in the whole entire world. I was rejected. I was loved, and then I was not loved anymore. I don't know what happened. What I want more than anything is to have that love back. I want to be whole and safe and happy again. Something .... suddenly ... happened ... love was gone. I lost love. I became separate from everyone: my parents, my brothers. There was no more connection. Nobody understood me. Nobody saw who I really was. Nobody to hold me gently, perfectly, to love every part of me, to make me feel that everything I did was OK. They told me that what I did was wrong, and they didn't understand the things I said, and they made fun of the things I liked and wanted. Then they told me that I was beautiful and good. That made me feel worse, that they forgot about the parts of me they had already decided were ugly, they forgot they had already told me in the most painful possible way that they saw a part of me they thought was truly ugly.

WB; What do you want now?
IC: I want those people to come back and ask me what happened, and fix it, and go back in time and make everything turn out right.

WB; You know you can't have that. Is there anything you want that you can have?
IC: Just die.

WB; Do you really want to die?
IC: No, because I've heard that I can have that wholeness without going back in time. But it's hard to see the way.

WB; What were the things they said were ugly?
IC: Not sure ... they didn't like it when I cried out, when I was loud. I think.

WB; Would you like to be loud and loved right now?
IC: Don't know. I could try. Is anybody home?

WB; Just checked, yes, Dad is home. I'll let you know when it's safe to try to be loud. What other things did the say were ugly?
IC: The things I put in my mouth.

WB; Wow, I haven't heard that before. What things?
IC: A penis.

WB; I am having a hard time with that because I'm not sure I want that word in my blog, and also, I feel really uneasy at the whole idea that you think you had a penis in your mouth. Are you sure you did? I'm afraid you got brainwashed by all the talk about the prevalence of incest, and maybe the idea of penis is just something that comes up even if it didn't literally happen. I will pay a very  high price of embarrassment and fear if I put the word penis in this blog, and I want to make sure it is worth it.
IC: Well, I don't know, but that is the image that arose. Penises are really nice and soft and nice to suck on.

WB; OK, we're alone in the house now. would you like to try to be loud?
IC: OK, I will try.

Jumped around a bit. Low  moaning. Sensations in the right upper back and shoulder led to the raising back of the right arm, as though jamming the elbow upward and behind into something. Until the muscles ached. "I don't know what to do. It hurts. I don't know what. It hurts. I don't know. It hurts." said faster and faster until the words schmeared into a moan. Sensations in the right belly, the right jaw. This is not pleasant. "I want I want I want" appear in the mind, very familiar sensations in the right mouth, salivation. Low whine, mosquito-like.

IC: I just wanted Mom to love me. (tears)

WB; Why don't you write the letter you wish she could write to you?
IC: OK.

Dear Terry, I see how sad you are. I see that you have been sad your whole life. While I was alive, I couldn't understand why you were so angry. Especially at me, because I tried so hard to love you, to do the best I could. Now I see that we were both sad because we both badly wanted to connect with each other.

(Sobbing.)

I know you know that I couldn't have done any different than I did. I'm sorry about the way I was. If only you knew how badly I wanted you to be happy! You were  my perfect baby, my perfect Terry. I adored you. You know that from the old photos. And I see now, I was unaware how much it hurt you when I couldn't be with you emotionally. Of course I didn't even think of it that way. I just knew that sometimes I didn't know what to do. I hated that. You know what I mean because you didn't know what to do when I was hurting late in life, and you hated that. I wanted to be understood but I just couldn't communicate to you. And that's how it was, but opposite, when you were a young child.

If we could go back in time ... and if I could be granted infinite time and patience and self-love ... I would hold you close when you were  hurting. I would never say a word of criticism without surrounding it with an ocean of love. I would ask you over and over and over again, in a thousand different ways, to tell me what was in your heart. I would guide you in the gentlest possible way to follow your dreams, and I would be there for your tears when some of your dreams fell apart. And, knowing I was mortal, I would help you separate from me and receive love from your friends ... and from yourself ... because you are the only one who will be with you for the rest of your life ... and you have the capacity to give yourself everything you long for from me. You really do. So much more than I ever did. You are the only one who can really know what is in your own heart.

I know now how deeply I failed you. I really had no idea when I was alive, no idea at all. I know how deep the hurt is and that the heart that was hurt was completely pure and  innocent, a heart that was trying to love and grow and learn and that could not possibly harbor ill-intent.

I know that you know, the hurt came from more than just me. It came from the world. It is the world's hurt, passed through generations, inflicted within and between families, manifested systemically. You are still  hurting others, and others are still hurting you. You can't think about all the ways that you hurt others all the time, because it is overwhelming. And that is how it was for me. And I know that you know as well that I was also hurt, in similar ways.

But we were also both granted incredible gifts. Very, very rich gifts ... a loving heart ... intelligence ... physical safety ... financial security ... education ... the necessary nurturing to grow into functioning human beings ... physical health and mobility ... mental health ... parents and siblings and extended family. And you have the additional gifts of self awareness and spiritual curiosity and the 21st century resources to pursue that curiosity. I am very happy for you.

IC: I like that but I still feel stuck in sadness. 

Liberation Unleashed

In January my partner Z learned of an online community of people who have seen through the illusion of self and who are available to guide others to see. I visited and was astonished to see that well over 1000 people have been successfully guided in this way over the past five years. The process takes anywhere between a few minutes and a few months. The community is called Liberation Unleashed.

The guiding happens via online dialog, and all dialogs are viewable by the public. I began working with a guide several weeks ago. Anyone interested can follow along here: http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=4758

Rejection of practices that I have found effective

It's been five months since I last posted. I feel sad to have little record of what's happened in my inner life during that time. S asked me what was going on with my blog; zie enjoys reading it and has missed it.

For the past few years I've been experiencing various aches and pains, most of which I suppose are psychogenic. In recent months I've had all-over body aches at night that can wake me up. I've discovered that simply reciting, mentally, "My body is glowing with health," is enough to take away the unpleasantness of the aching and allow me to rest. This is quite remarkable, and is consistent with the writings of John Sarno, which have been very helpful to Z and her father.

A couple weeks ago, I awoke with the all-over body aches, and considered reciting the mantra. Immediately, the thought arose, "No, that will not work. It worked in the past, but it can't continue to work."

I recognized this as part of a pattern--a pattern of believing that a practice that previously brought me very successful results will no longer do so. Where did that belief come from? Crazy stuff! As a consequence of that belief, I've given up all kinds of useful practices.

This time, I felt into the belief. What sensations and inner messages were behind it? I saw that there was great anger and grief associated with the belief that a practice could continue to be successful. "I don't want to grow up! I don't want to take care of myself! I don't want to be alone!" Keeping attention on these sensations and messages, I persisted with "my body is glowing with health", feeling relief from the body aches but discomfort with the anger and grief. It seemed as though, by noticing the power of this mantra, the power I have over my own well-being, I was also noticing that I am no longer a small child who needs to be taken care of, and experiencing the grief of letting go and the fear of thus being alone. The grief seemed to also be about having wasted so many decades being attached to this notion of myself as small and weak.

I borrowed a couple of books on the Enneagram from my co-worker L: Riso and Hudson's "The Wisdom of the Enneagram", and Sandra Maitri's "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram". I'd gotten these from the library in mid-2013 and found them really useful. I'm now working from the assumption that I'm at point 6 on the Enneagram. I think of point 6 as really uninteresting and reading about it triggers feelings of contempt; perhaps that's evidence that it's my point. During 2000-2013 I'd thought I was at point 4, but when I became reacquainted with the Enneagram in 2013 it seemed likely that I was not at point 4. Points 1, 5, and 6 seemed more likely. L is an expert on the Enneagram so when zie said that my erect body carriage suggested I was a 1, I took that as my new hypothesis. But just about 10 days ago when I re-read the Type Attitude Sorters in Riso and Hudson, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I matched the sorter for point 6 way better than that for point 1.

The writings for both point 1 and point 6 have been of tremendous help with my inner work lately. People at point 6 have lost touch with their inner guidance and look toward multiple outside sources for guidance. Letting go of these outside sources, "she will be faced with her aloneness as she lets the inner object relations dissolve and begins to experience her soul without these veils." "Facing the emptiness ... will take all of the courage she can muster." That is where I am.

I awoke around 3am today and became engaged in this work. The fear, anger, and grief that arose was quite uncomfortable and brought up nausea that I am still feeling 2 hours later. I rejoice that I am facing this stuff and that I have the skills and knowledge to handle it productively.