Further work with the morning dread

I've mentioned, I think, in several previous posts, the dread I feel upon waking up in the morning, pretty much every single day. When I wake up, the mind tends strongly toward seeking things to be afraid of and problems to be addressed. I've discovered that behind these thoughts are a set of sensations.

Lately I've tried keeping attention on the sensations. I'd tried that many times before, and observed that it was hard to keep attention on the sensations, that the mind was still active. I'd previously thought that this was because the posture of lying down made it difficult to focus attention. I've been trying harder lately, though, and looking more closely at what's going on. And this is what I've been seeing lately: that when attention is on these sensations, there is a sense of being lost, of not knowing who I am or why I am doing this practice. And every 1/2 second or so, one of the following thoughts arises: I don't know what I'm doing. This is dangerous. There is nothing here. I should be doing something or thinking about something. These are familiar thoughts from other contexts, but they arise much more strongly and convincingly when I am lying in bed right after waking up.

The sense of being lost, in a void, when attention is on sensation, is extremely compelling. It's as though the mind turns to thought as an anchor. While in the thought world, I coach myself: "go back to sensation. Staying in the thought world is a dead end. Strengthen the neural pathways that allow you to be with sensation. It is safe to be there; there is nothing else you need to do right now. True, no authority is guiding you to do this practice, but remember, part of your particular path is to rely on your own authority. And your own authority is guiding you to do this. Remember what Maitri said: that for Enneatype 6, the utmost courage is required to live an authentic life and to meet one's true self. This is what courage looks like: to return again and again, every 1/2 second, to sensation." A subset of these self-coaching thoughts occurs over the time span of a fraction of a second, then attention is returned to sensation.

The sensations are not unpleasant! They are not painful. They are the sensations I've written about frequently in this blog: tingling and aliveness in the right side of the body; the releasing of tension in the right jaw; tingling in the right arm accompanied by images of pushing or punching with that arm; quiverings in the throat accompanied by the word, "Mommy"; slight nausea. Sometimes I coach myself by saying, "You are an explorer in a terrifying, unfamiliar world. Keep looking. You don't yet have a framework for this world and so you feel uneasy. Keep trying."

Beyond reproach

Today I had a mind clearing session. We examined my strategy of trying to live life in a way that is beyond reproach. The clearer asked me, "what are you trying to communicate to others by living in this way?"

I had never asked myself that before. I had looked at the source of the strategy, the early hurts. And I had looked at the benefits I receive from the strategy. But I had never looked at what I am trying to communicate.

I'm going to try to answer this question freshly now in this blog.

I am trying to communicate, "Please don't hurt me. I can't take any more hurt. Please just leave me alone."

And behind that is, Honestly I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything. All this social justice crap, it's just a facade. I have the utmost contempt for people who are benefiting from my so-called social justice work. I'm just trying to avoid criticism from the stupid, ignorant, crazy so-called progressive people I happen to live among. C'mon, give me a break. I really don't care and I really despise all those people! But I just cannot have people criticize me for not taking action. I just can't! I. JUST. CAN'T. And I'll do anything to avoid it. Please people, just leave me alone. You have no idea the pain I suffer when I'm criticized. I just can't stand it and I'm not going to have it anymore. I used to be carefree and naive and innocent. I didn't care about anybody but I also didn't try to hurt anybody either. I was just being myself, I was just living, I was just being, I was just enjoying this life. And then I was SMASHED. Right out of the blue. Holy cow, I'm never going to just innocently go about my business again. The world is fucking horrible, if that can happen. But you know, I know you won't give a fuck about me, because why should you? Your life is so much harder than mine right now and I won't deny that. Nobody ever believed that it hurt so much to be smashed, and if they did believe me, who cares, what good would it do? Here I am, I have two houses, I have excellent health, I have two amazing partners who are younger than me and one of them is rich, and my father is going to leave me a lot of real estate. I live in a safe city in a safe country and I'm treated like a white person. I'm super smart and I can get a job whenever I want and I know how to navigate the system. I'm hella privileged. So nobody is going to give me any sympathy. But even if I weren't privileged nobody would give me sympathy because there's no real sympathy to be had in this world. So please just leave me alone. Nobody believed me back then, nobody helped me, and nobody is going to believe me or help me now. Who has the capacity? This world is so deficient and I can't wait to leave it and finally rest. I'm one of the richest people in the world and I hardly have any capacity to help others myself. Yes, I was smashed. Boom, out of the sky. Taken away from my innocent play and isolated in my room. Nobody believed me when I said, I didn't know! I didn't know! I had no idea! I didn't know I was doing anything wrong! Nobody will believe me, nobody will even listen to me!

Dialogs with Mom as an antidote to shame

Three weeks ago I was feeling strong shame about ... something. Somebody said something to me ... oh yes. It was feedback that C had given me in my volunteer job at Aegis. I had used the telephone together with an agitated resident, and C emailed that maybe the telephone had worsened the agitation and the head nurse asked that I never use the telephone again. I felt terrible and was about to reply with a compliant apology, but I stopped myself to try to work through my shame first.

I had tried reparenting myself in situations like this before. Allowing the inner child to speak, listening, responding. I ultimately reach back to a preverbal memory of being utterly abandoned in response to innocent behavior. The child says, "I know I am bad. Otherwise, why would they have abandoned me? How could they have done that to me unless I'm bad?" The child cannot fathom that those who loved her best and were responsible for her well being could possibly abandon her unless something was terribly wrong with her. Or rather, being so abandoned seems to the child the very definition of being bad.

And when I do this kind of inner work, the so-called adult Terry cannot find anything to say that reassures the child. "You are OK" ... "that was back then when you couldn't take care of yourself but now together we can handle things" ... none of these invocations provides substantial reassurance.

But after the email from C, I tried something different. I had just been learning, through experience, the power of deep apology. I had seen deep apology work in my relationship with Z, when Z feels shame and anger about some small slight. Though I knew the slight was small, I apologized profusely and expressed deep regret for my failing. And this meant something to Z. And then I reflected on times when others had done that for me. When Gil Fronsdal apologized for not getting me when I had hesitatingly and vaguely reached out to him for spiritual support while I was experiencing the fourth nana after my 2011 retreat (he apologized when I told him about it during a 2012 retreat). When V apologized to me in the late 1990's for having lashed out at me in a letter or email some months previous.

So after C's email, I imagined my mother apologizing profusely for her early abandonment. And I think in this it is easier that she is now dead. I imagined my 33 year old mother, young and beautiful and magically now fully wise and all-seeing, sitting by my side and saying, "Terry, dear Terry ... you did absolutely nothing wrong. My lashing out to you, my leaving you, had nothing to do with what you did or who you are. As I told you that time when you were in your 20's and asked me if I thought there was something wrong with you: there is nothing wrong with you. How could there be something wrong with you? You are my beautiful Theresa, my first-born! So perfect! I am so, so very sorry for what I did. If I could do anything to erase the hurt that I caused, I would. I did not intend to hurt you. I was hurting myself and I didn't know anything better to do. Please believe me. You are good. You are perfect. Your self-expression, your exuberance, your curiosity, your playfulness, your big loud beautiful voice ... your intelligence ... your love and compassion ... if only you knew how much I admired all of these things! If only I could have provided gentle steering, gentle guidance, instead of shaming you! Terry, please believe me. You are 100% OK. Going forward, we will face life together. I will be your ally. I will remind you of your goodness. We will put our heads together and you will gradually believe in your own goodness. And your belief in your own goodness is the best gift you can give to the world."

And this dialog eased my shame a great deal.

A day or two later, I again felt shame regarding something somebody said to me. I used this again, and again it worked. This second time, I also had to struggle with a familiar internal voice that said, "it may have worked last time, but it is not going to work again!" I've had long experience with this voice and I tried to forge ahead anyway, and I did, and I was glad.

Finally, just this evening, I conversed with Mom again in this way, in response to deep feelings of shame around a difficult problem I am currently facing. It was really difficult to persevere against the voice saying "it's not going to work again, it's stupid and possibly even harmful to keep trying!" I had to muster the utmost faith and courage to keep going, especially since at first the whole exercise seems so artificial and dry. But I did keep going, and again it brought me solace.

Very, very sweet that Mom can now help me in this way. I am more and more believing that she loved me deeply.

Insight at the bathroom scale

This morning I stepped on the scale, as I've done every morning for the past 18 months. See, 18 months ago I began working with a wellness coach with the goal of losing 10.5 pounds and getting back to the weight I had considered good enough in my mid-40s. Over the course of five months I did lose the weight, plus an additional 4 pounds, and I've been weighing myself daily ever since as part of an effort to keep the weight off. My weight has been pretty stable, although I did gain back 1.5 pounds this past winter.

I stepped on the scale and saw that the number was on the lighter side compared to the past week, and felt happy. I then looked in the mirror and saw that the shape of my body was pleasing: flattish belly, square shoulders, smooth contours. I then noticed a subtle mental movement, which, if I put words to it, would say, "OK, I can't pin my sense of dissatisfaction with myself on the shape of my body this morning. I have to find something else to pin it on." The mind then became restless, searching for some other flaw or problem to worry over.

I'd noticed this kind of thing before, but today it struck me: our anger at society for making demands that our bodies look a certain way is a bit misplaced. Yes, society does make these demands, and as a result, most women (and many men) suffer from chronic dissatisfaction with our bodies and relentless preoccupation with making our bodies look a certain way. But the root cause of all of this is a generic self-dissatisfaction that will never be uprooted by societal changes. It can only be uprooted by inner transformation.

"I'm wrong" at the core of my current identity

A thought that plagues me every moment that I'm not either asleep or fully engaged in something is, "I'm doing the wrong thing". I've been countering that with the affirmation, "Everything I do and choose is motivated by self-love and inspired by inner wisdom." Today, though, I want to take a closer look at the notion that I may be doing the wrong thing. As I write this, a bit of resistance arises.

What is the rationale behind, "I'm doing the wrong thing"?

Well, the thought arises when I'm experiencing a contraction in the right side of my face, neck, and torso. This contraction is interpreted as, "I'm wrong, I need to be fixed."

If I am wrong and need to be fixed, then clearly, whatever I'm doing in the moment hasn't fixed me (yet).

What should I be doing? There is a fantasy that I could and should be doing every good thing. I should be healing the world, learning all the knowledge, creating all the beautiful things. As long as there is any suffering in the world, any imperfection, then I am at fault for not having fixed it. I need to fix those things and feel happy while doing so. If I'm trying to fix things, trying to do good in the world, and feeling unhappy (as has at times been the case for me) then that is also a problem that needs to be fixed.

So basically, unless I am a super super human, way way way beyond the abilities of any human who has ever lived on the planet -- I need to be fixed. Ha Ha Ha!

OK, so there are various ways I can approach this. I could see the contraction in the right face/neck/torso as just interesting sensation ... it can even be seen as pleasurable. But when I do so, a deeper fear arises ... I think it is the fear of aloneness, of not knowing who I am.

So "I'm wrong" and "I'm doing the wrong thing" are core pieces of my identity, and they will arise until I become more identified with, more at ease with, what's underneath.

Tolerating arousal; fair fighting

I did some interesting inner work in the middle of the night. It was a repeat of some work I'd done a week or two ago. I was very agitated about a discussion I'd had with Z right before going to sleep. My mind was going in circles about it. I decided to shift my attention to a different thought: "I love myself". As I did so, I noticed uncomfortable sensations, sensations that had previously been dampened by the negative thought cycles. I realized that I was afraid of those sensations and had interpreted them as signs that something was amiss. I incorporated the sensations into "I love myself", thinking about loving those sensations and the part of me that gives rise to them. This was very challenging at first and required a lot of effort, faith, and courage. But in time, it led to a full and peaceful feeling, and I was able to go to sleep. This is what had happened the previous time I'd done the same work. It was very satisfying, and exciting.

Today I had a heated discussion with Z and found I had more stamina than usual. When uncomfortable sensations arose, I was able to tolerate them and avoid interpreting them as signs of danger. I told myself that engaging in this heated discussion was the appropriate and respectful thing to do. Retreating, far from being polite or loving, would have been unloving. Both of us furthered our understanding of each other and of the situation we were discussing. I also insisted that Z stay engaged at times when she seemed to be retreating. I made space for her to take a break and resume later, but I didn't tolerate her dismissing me, walking away, or sneaking in a last word after saying discussion was closed. Writing this, I realize that I could not have forced Z to do these things and that we were clearly both making an effort to engage in fair fighting. Fair fighting feels great!

Avoiding speaking up, taking action, making requests

Started thinking about my psychotherapist T this morning, whether to start up seeing him again or not. I realized that I want to avoid discussing with T my anger about the difficulty with Kaiser and my sense that he is partly responsible.

Thoughts traveled to other situations where I avoid speaking up for myself, or taking action, or making requests. I avoid cancelling and rescheduling engagements with friends. I avoid noticing, acknowledging any of my accomplishments, such as losing 14 pounds, anything I did in my professional career, allowing closeness with Black people, community activism

When I imagine acting against these habits, here's what comes up:

sensations: pulsing in the throat like crying, tingling in the arms.
thoughts: I'm alone, and there's no comfortable script
I'm exposed
Without a script, I won't know how to act

Reminds me of what Maitri says about how Enneatype 6 doesn't see that they have a center. We think there is nothing to rely on inside.

None of the above is brand new to me, but it is arising in my consciousness now for some reason, and there is an idea that now is a good time in my life to challenge these self-limiting habits. For the past three years I have been focused on inquiry into the nature of self, and have put aside other personal growth efforts. I put them aside partly because such efforts, I've heard, face much less resistance once the illusion of self is fully seen through, and partly so as to focus on the inquiry.

An error in logic that diminishes joy

I experience ease and/or joy associated with a mundane experience, such as sitting in the sun preparing my federal tax return.

A thought arises: I shouldn't be relaxing into ease via mundane activities. I should be spending my time in more spiritual ways. Either flat-out spiritual practice, such as meditation, inquiry or inner child work, or being quietly mindful of the present moment (vs. engaged in a mental activity)

If I'm lucky, another thought arises: Wait a sec! Ease and joy in everyday life is the entire object of the spiritual path! Dampening those experiences with self-chastisement is not the way to go! Au contraire, I could go for self-satisfaction: isn't ease and joy in everyday life in part a product of my path?

Investigating the illusion of self: Step Two

Stripping Away Expectations

What do you expect liberation is going to be like?
At first, it's going to be cool and nifty to see something I'd never seen before. I always love new insights into reality! After the initial coolness, life is going to be pretty much the same as before, but I will be able to move forward along the path toward greater liberation. That path may be rocky but in the end it will grant so much relief from suffering!

What do you want from it?
I want freedom from suffering, for sure. I also want to see the truth, but am a bit ambivalent about that. I don't want the truth if it means an overall increase in suffering. Finally, I want more intimacy with life.

How do you imagine an awakened human behaves?
The same as any other human, except less prone to anger and violence.

What will liberation feel like?
At least at first, there will be some new ease and relief. After that, it will be mostly as before, except with a new perspective..

What do you expect to be different from now?
There is a fair chance, I think, that my anxiety about making good choices will lessen. I hope that there will be less identification with the thought world. I will see that self is as much an illusion as Santa Claus.

What will liberation give you, and what do you hope for?
I hope for this initial liberation to be the first step along a path to complete liberation and freedom from suffering.

What do you not want it to be like?
I don't want it to lead to increased and protracted suffering.

What is it that wants things to be different?

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Next day, found more expectations:
Liberation will reduce hesitation and doubt
Liberation will make life more juicy and interesting

Investigating the illusion of self: Step One

I am beginning the seven steps outlined by Ilona Ciunaite in her book Liberation Unleashed. These are steps to follow in breaking the illusion of a separate self that makes decisions, thinks, and does things. Three years ago I worked with a guide at liberationunleashed.com to investigate this illusion, but I now think I did not complete the work. "Self" is supposed to be seen clearly as illusion to the same degree as Santa Claus is seen as illusion, and that is not where I am.

So I am supposed to copy a paragraph and notice whether fear arises:

There is no separate self at all in reality--no agent in charge, no manager, no watcher, no owner of life; all there is, is life flowing freely as one movement, one reality, one life, one nature, one intelligence, one god, one flow, whatever word resonates most. The separate self, or "I," is an illusion; there never was such an entity and never will be.

I do not notice fear arising. What I notice is mild excitement, relief, and joy. There are shimmering sensations in the chest and throat. The breath is flowing more easily. The child "self" is almost tearful with relief; she has felt for so long the burden of wanting to manage life properly.

After that, there is some fear, with the words, "all I know of myself is Self! If we get rid of that, what will there be left of me?" It seems that my existence is being threatened. There is a tightening of the throat.

What is the fear itself?
What is this fear protecting? -- it is protecting the child, the child who once felt threatened with annihilation and has been strategizing ever since for survival.
What needs to be protected? -- Me.
What is it that feels threatened? -- The child.

Then, resistance arose, in the form of a desire to watch TV. Resistance, what is going on? I am afraid that I am not going to get this! I am afraid of trying and failing. I already failed multiple times.

Aw, sweetheart! It is so hard to try and fail. Yes, and I have been failing my whole life! Tell me about that. So many times I followed instructions that got me nowhere, like being a good Catholic, praying to St. Jude about the frog book, and doing self-hypnosis, and psychotherapy, and getting a PhD, and trying to succeed in my career, and the retreat with Pa Auk Sayadaw. Well, even as I write all that, I see the many many areas where I did succeed, sometimes by following instructions. I feel a bit encouraged.

Now, back to the fear of annihilation.

Fear, why are you here? What are you trying to tell me? Please share your wisdom.
I'm a bit afraid of things being different. They are sort of comfortable now. I have been easily able to handle life for quite a while. Sure, there are times of suffering, sometimes intense suffering.

What about the fear of annihilation?
"There is no you." That sounds so strong, so threatening! It reminds me that sometimes people have acted as though there is no me.

Now, I am supposed to look behind the fear. Is there anything behind it?

Not that I can see.

My neighbor Vera

Vera Eggers, 1924-2019

  

I read the following at Vera's memorial service today:

Vera was my neighbor. I met her ten years ago when I first moved into the neighborhood. I enjoyed knowing older people, and Vera was the oldest person on the block. We did different things together, including going to performances and having tea and cookies in her kitchen. But what I remember most are our walks together. We walked slowly and noticed lots of little things. Vera knew each individual house in the neighborhood and could comment on what had changed: what had been newly planted, what tree had been removed, whose yard had been tidied up, whose yard had been neglected. We liked having specific destinations. Once we walked to the newly opened Sherwin Williams paint store, just to have a look. Another time, she and Dan and I walked to the nearby McDonalds to see the recent remodel. When Vera moved to Exeter House, we stopped walking together, but she continued to walk frequently in nearby Freeway Park and won a contest for most distance walked. When Exeter House closed and she moved to Ida Culver House in our neighborhood, we would walk together in the spacious grounds. Vera hung a string of beads on her walker to keep track of how many laps she did each day. Walking with Vera, I forgot my worries and lived in the moment. I miss our walks and I miss Vera.

Today's chat with the child self

I've been in the attic for about an hour now, with the intention to dialog with the inner child. First, I posted a photo to facebook, read about what might be causing our internet data overage, and re-reading old blog posts. I wanted to find what I'd written before about the dread I feel upon waking. Because this morning I explored it by dialoguing with the inner child, and found that underneath the fear was grief. I read that in one previous exploration, I'd found that underneath the fear was ... something else. Can't remember. It wasn't grief.

For the past hour I've been avoiding doing this dialog. This type of dialog is hard work. But it's not that unpleasant once I get into it. So let's dive in now.

Me: Dear child self, I'm sorry I've been avoiding you this past hour. What is up for you?

Child: Well ... it's taking me a sec to know. [relaxation] [breathing] [craving in right side of mouth] I'm afraid I'm a really boring person, there's not much to say.

Me: That's OK. We have lots of time. We have three hours right now!

Child: [silence, slight swaying of body] [sighing] [tingling in the belly] I'm afraid I'm just going to go to sleep.

Child: I'm so sad about the past. [song: Everybody's Talkin' At Me] I'm seeing our family walking on the grassy field wearing gauzy clothes and holding hands and it's about 1965, and we're happy, but I'm sad!

Me: What if you put yourself back there, on that grassy field with the family?

Child: Well, it's carefree excitement. Innocent: I don't even know that there is anything to worry about. But simultaneously that song is playing and there is sadness. [fullness in the throat] Now I know that there are 1000 things to worry about and I can't un-know that.

Child: Terry, it's just so sad and I don't know what to do about it! I don't know what more to tell you!
I do like feeling into the fullness in the throat. It's kind of pleasant.

Me: Can you let go of the sadness for the time being and just be with that fullness?

Child: Yes. There is mild pleasantness and no sad thoughts.

Me: Could it be that sadness is a resistance to some pleasant sensations in the throat?

Child: Maybe!

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Next day:

I dialogued with the child self upon waking. It was easier to do at that time. Very natural, much less resistance. I essentially got to the same place in the dialog. I then tried to be with the sadness. One additional challenge was that I was cuddled with Z. Fear arises when I am in proximity to another person. Each time Z moved her body, fear arose. Adult Terry was impatient that child Terry was not moving through the sadness, or going behind it, quickly. It was challenging to be patient.

The inner child speaks about her resistance to activism

A year ago I was immersed in a project to improve the way Sand Point Housing residents are treated by management. I had heard stories directly from residents about what was amiss. I had some comrades in wanting to address the injustice. I loved the idea of using my privilege to make headway on behalf of those lacking privilege. The way forward did not seem complicated. It appeared to involve writing letters, scheduling and attending meetings with officials, granting interviews, writing articles, attending local events, and planning together with my comrades. Wow, it sounded so fun and exciting! I had spent two years learning about power and privilege and the root causes of racism. I wanted to make a difference but did not find it appealing to participate in protests. I wanted to do something constructive and I wanted to do it in my own neighborhood. I wanted to do it in partnership with my neighbors and on behalf of neighbors. I wanted to build connection with the residents of Sand Point Housing and I saw that such connection would be a likely by-product of this kind of activism.

The first step we took was to write a strongly worded letter to the mayor about the situation, with copies sent to the press. I enjoyed working on this letter. The letter did get a bit of press. We also got immediate feedback from Solid Ground, the non-profit that is managing the housing and doing a poor job of it. The CEO of Solid Ground offered to meet with us, and the marketing director wrote an "anonymous" letter to me about the harm that I had done, which made me feel bad and took me a few days to recover from.

After that, I attended a couple of Solid Ground board meetings and met with the board president, and I arranged a meeting with our city council representative. Someone obtained the legal contracts that Solid Ground has made with the city, and I spent several hours reading and summarizing them. But other than that, although we have met every month or two, we have taken NO action in the past year! Even though I have plenty of ideas about effective actions we could take. I found, to my surprise and dismay, that I had very little motivation to move forward. What the hell was going on?

Just now I settled down with my inner child and had a talk with her about it. I asked her why she doesn't want to move forward. She said, "It's going to be too hard!"

After giving her some tender affection, I asked, "What seems hard about it?" She responded with the following:

It will be hard to make decisions about what to do next. I will be faced with doubt and confusion at every turn.

I will feel lonely unless I have one or two close partners in this work, the way that E was my close partner in the business we founded together.

I may not be successful. I may do harm.

There's nothing making me do the work, and at any moment I'd rather do things that are less fraught or more fun, like cooking, organizing, writing, visiting, or watching movies.

These are worthy of further exploration.

When I see myself retreat from projects that are hard, sometimes I despair and think that I'm a quitter, just someone who doesn't follow through on anything unless it's within a structure of some authority seeming to force me to do it, or unless it's for a tangible reward of money or acclaim. But then I notice my steadfast dedication to my spiritual life, and I see that I am not a quitter.

Further inquiries into self

Below is a small fragment I wrote on December 30 but didn't publish.

Things I am noticing today:

A clinging to positive stories about myself: "Aren't I clever!" and perhaps a clinging to belief in self so as to retain those stories. A bit of fear that without those stories, there's a dark void.

Am I willing to let go of the positive stories so as to also be rid of the negative ("I'm no good")?

Asking: who is deciding whether to visit Rosemary at Mission Villa today?

A movie plays out in the mind, where there is a bearing down, rumination over some pros and cons, and then finally a saying to myself, "OK, I'll go! That's the right thing to do and I'll feel better about myself if I don't spend all day sitting around the house!"

Uncovering a very early story

This morning I awoke with fear, as usual. I have several methods for working with this. This morning I tried shifting my attention toward seeing through the illusion of self to see whether the fear would dissipate as a result. I noticed that the fear is a combination of a set of bodily sensations and a set of thoughts.

Although I was able to notice this, the fear did not dissipate. The thoughts arose again and again. As I noticed the components of the fear, it would no longer feel like fear, but in the next moment one of the thoughts would captivate me. I then noticed one particular thought:

I am never going to make any progress

I have long wondered to what extent this thought has been hindering me throughout my life, particularly my spiritual life, and specifically my inquiry into self. I held this thought and inquired of the inner child: why are you never going to make any progress? The answer:

I am afraid to make progress. I am afraid to adopt a new view, or new ways of doing things.

I then asked, why afraid? I tried to treat the fearful inner child with the utmost care, tenderness, and respect. When doubt arose as to my ability to do so, I reassured myself that whatever care, tenderness, and respect I was able to muster would be enough. Slowly, more layers were uncovered:

I can't allow the notion that I have been wrong all these years.

This answer, like the previous one, was familiar from other times that I have gone down this road in my inner work. I had never before been able to go deeper. "Why?" I gently asked. After some time, the answer emerged:

I refuse to let go of who I am

"Ah, so you identify with your current worldview," I responded. "You identify with your lifelong strategies for living life. You feel that if you admit your strategies have been ineffective, or built on false assumptions, that you are losing yourself." At this point I felt discouraged and stuck. If there is an inner child who is this defended, what can be done? I continued to extend tenderness and patience, and slowly, slowly, the next layer emerged:

I will not allow to be obliterated the story that has been long buried.

Aha! What's actually being protected is the story of the initial wound(s). The inner child has been hindering so-called progress because she does not want her not-yet-fully-told story to be forgotten. She wants more attention for this story. Things looked more hopeful now.

I have delved into this story on numerous occasions over the past decade. There are no details of time, persons, place. There is no sequence of events. But the story is felt vividly. It is a story of great loss, of massive misunderstanding, of overwhelm, invasion of personal space, and subsequent abandonment. Love and safety were once felt, but were lost! They were lost seemingly as a result of something I did, or failed to do.

I allowed the thoughts and sensations of this story to unfold. I listened to the words that came up, I asked more questions about what happened. At first, all that was felt were anger, grief, utter helplessness, and despair. These had been felt before when going into this story. My present-day self also had thoughts of despair: was it futile to keep delving into this sad story? Perhaps even harmful? I remembered that, in the words of Mary Oliver, this was my one "wild and precious life" for me to live as I wanted to. And right now I wanted to be in this story (vs., for example, arising and "getting on with the day").

Slowly, almost without me realizing it, the unpleasant emotions melted into pleasant ones of safety, comfort, and love. As has been described by several of my teachers and guides, it was as though this next set of emotions was behind the previous set. I rested in this new layer of emotions, touching back from time to time into the sad story, but feeling safe and held.

At this time, E arose to prepare to go to a family breakfast. I'd been invited to that breakfast and, as is typical for me, I was paralyzed by fear that if I didn't go, I'd be seen in a negative light and abandoned. This fear makes decisions about whether to attend social engagements quite fraught. This time, remarkably, I let go of that fear and found a sense that even if I didn't attend, I was held and loved unwaveringly by Eric's family. For the first time in my memory, this particular fear lifted and revealed the truth underneath. So beautiful.

This morning's work felt very fruitful, very rewarding. And the desire for attention for the early wounding story seems, according to the dialog above, to be very much related to why I hold myself back in life. However, for the past 18 months I have refrained from going into this story because I was immersed into an inquiry into desire and ill will, and Lake, my guide in the inquiry, advised against going deeply into old stories. I stopped working with Lake about two months ago because we seemed to be at an impasse. For several weeks after that I continued the inquiry on my own, and continued to refrain from inner child work. But now, I think it is time to do some more of this work. It seems quite possible that this will be the key to me moving forward with the desire and ill will inquiry!