Have been reading the book Radical Honesty. The idea is that we can cut a lot of suffering out of our lives if we tell the truth to others instead of being polite and harboring resentment. Very inspiring. Made me aware of how much of my suffering is due to hiding my resentment of others, especially relatives, those I live with, and those I work with. (It's not so much a problem with my partners, because I feel quite comfortable expressing my resentment toward them, and there's little I've hidden from either of them.)
From time to time throughout my life I've tried expressing my resentments toward others as a way of finding freedom, and in almost every case it's done the opposite. In almost every case, I've gotten afraid and withdrawn. So I'm not eager to repeat this mistake. If I'm going to try again, I want to know that I have the resources to follow through and stay close to people.
Yesterday evening Z and I took a walk and we expressed our resentments to each other. It didn't feel particularly freeing in the moment to me. Later in the evening, Z made a statement about a political candidate whom she does not support, a statement that triggers anger for me. I told Z what I didn't like about the statement. She answered back forcefully. Usually I withdraw in anger when she does this, but this time I realized that I withdraw because sensations of anger arise strongly and I want the sensations to go away. This time, I answered her back. We had a vigorous debate. She did at least 75% of the speaking, putting forth her views with statements crafted to dominate. Each time, I felt an urge to either do violence or withdraw, and each time, instead of either of those, I collected my thoughts (difficult to do when feeling angry) and answered her back as powerfully as I could.
Today, at work, I'm continuing to allow feelings of anger. They are present almost all the time. I don't know if they're actually feelings of anger all the time; they might just be feelings of aliveness and potency. I found that when my co-worker clipped her nails at her desk, it didn't trigger rage to the extent it usually does. In other words, I was less bothered by misophonia.
