Not sure but I think I was sort of meditating on and off through the night. Was surprised to see that it was 8:30 when I awoke. Was late for lab meeting but felt less panicked about it than usual.
11am session with Trip in Everett. Just a couple minutes into the session, I drifted off into a state of being absorbed in my own mental and bodily experience, seemingly connected to memories of infancy. (This is something that has occurred frequently during sessions for maybe 6 to 10 months, or maybe more.) But I noticed that I was bothered by the sounds of Trip. I emerged from the state and reported this. He suggested I might be angry that he hadn't read my blog, as I'd requested last session, and immediately I knew he was right. We then had about 10 minutes of interaction during which I noticed my trust and liking of Trip and also noticed my fears, anger, and sadness ... and communicated these to Trip as I felt comfortable ... and Trip responding in ways intended to be gentle and supportive ... and me noticing fear/anger/sadness and communicating ... back and forth ... allowing a subtle back and forth during which it was OK for me to reject his offerings, then somewhat accept, then reject.
Then I suddenly went back into the previous state and worked there almost to the end of the session. Very similar to work I do on my own: noticing urges and allowing myself to follow them. I was no longer irritated by the sounds of Trip; perhaps I'd dealt with the anger enough. My body swayed like kelp in the sea. So fascinating! So amazing! to more and more find ways to move spontaneously, seemingly without conscious intervention. Just allowing. I kept finding new ways to listen to myself, new places where I could see a habit of ignoring myself, then let go of that habit. It's OK to do this now. That image or urge is not arbitrary; it has meaning. There is a lot of freedom here. I don't have to ignore myself and refer to a script. What a huge adventure! My body swayed like kelp in the sea, and I also worked with a lot of sensations in my jaw, throat, and mouth. Sometimes suckling, sometimes opening my mouth wide! Just following, following. It is safe here. At first I found my mind busy, and I used noting to stay present. This was scary: to let go of conscious monitoring of my experience. As fun as it's been recently to observe the negative messages such as "this is hopeless", "this is a waste of time", "you're not doing it right", and release them--it seemed today that to go deeper I have to let go of some attachment to these messages--I have to let go of the side of the pool--and that was frightening and exciting.
Relatively enjoyable work day during which I stayed in touch with myself.
Did no formal meditation today. During session with Gene, talked about painful time over weekend when I vetoed Eric's request to pick up markers on the way home from Wyoming; felt like I got no help. Saw Storm (women's basketball) game for date night. Argued with Eric in the evening about whether he is indeed in great need with nobody to help him.
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