4am Awoke slightly with some image in mind that somehow made me think, somewhat excitedly and greedily, "Maybe I'm moving into the stage of the progress of insight called "disgust". I felt alert and meditated while lying down for maybe 30 or 40 minutes. However, my attention was not nearly as good as when I am seated, and the entire time I felt like I was trying to make my observations fit the category of "disgust". Finally I assessed that this was likely unproductive and went back to sleep.
7:15 am 15 minutes seated noting. Everything I noted was either neutral or slightly unpleasant. No fear, sadness, or disgust. A fair amount of calm (not noted) and empty/void (didn't note that, either). I noted "selfing" a lot, whenever I noticed a movement of the mind. Noting "selfing" heads off some suffering, and I saw that I wanted to note "selfing" whenever I saw the beginnings of suffering. Suffering was usually in reaction to tensions in the right side of the body, noticing that my posture was slumped, or a thought about the future. Nothing in the session suggests that I am in "disgust".
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Meditation log 06/27/12
7:10 am 15 minutes seated noting
Woke up feeling raw and prone to anger. This passed as I interacted with Eric, thanked him for his patience, and saw the bright sunshiney day.
8am 20 minutes metta on the bus. Distracted.
1pm One hour seated noting. At first, no unpleasant sensation in right throat/torso. Then, a little. Noted "self" frequently; this seems to allow more bare attention. Having bare attention is weird in that I don't remember much of what I experience with bare attention. My mind does not categorize, tally, or interconnect what I observe ... I think that's why I sometimes think of it as an empty or void state, a non-experience. Today I noted almost no fear, but some sadness ... the sadness seemed to be at a deeper layer than over the past 6 weeks. I would note hearing, pressure, self ... then notice what seemed to be a vague sense of holding throughout my chest (not just the right side) ... then notice a large vague sadness ... then a tingling, mostly in the genitals.
Woke up feeling raw and prone to anger. This passed as I interacted with Eric, thanked him for his patience, and saw the bright sunshiney day.
8am 20 minutes metta on the bus. Distracted.
1pm One hour seated noting. At first, no unpleasant sensation in right throat/torso. Then, a little. Noted "self" frequently; this seems to allow more bare attention. Having bare attention is weird in that I don't remember much of what I experience with bare attention. My mind does not categorize, tally, or interconnect what I observe ... I think that's why I sometimes think of it as an empty or void state, a non-experience. Today I noted almost no fear, but some sadness ... the sadness seemed to be at a deeper layer than over the past 6 weeks. I would note hearing, pressure, self ... then notice what seemed to be a vague sense of holding throughout my chest (not just the right side) ... then notice a large vague sadness ... then a tingling, mostly in the genitals.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Meditation log 06/26/12
8:40 a.m. One hour seated silent noting. Sleepiness, sadness, pleasure, tension, pressure, hearing, thinking, rocking, swaying. Seems lately I've had way less fear and also less sadness than maybe 4-6 weeks ago. Also, pleasure is new.
11 am Twelve minutes silent seated noting with Julie. A lot of rocking, pulsing, releasing, sadness. I think I didn't put words to a lot of it. Like there was a lot of something that could be called tingling but felt slightly anguished and was complex. I'd felt it plenty of times before. A couple minutes before the bell, brought myself gradually back to the external world, because in recent weeks when meditating with Julie or my meditation group at work I have found it painful to suddenly emerge and reconnect with the dukkha of the external world, especially the dukkha of social contact.
5pm 20 minutes metta on the bus.
11-11:45 pm Anger upon Eric arriving home just at the moment I was about to go to bed.
11:45-midnight Couldn't sleep due to anger, so sat in bed and noted. Eventually, sleepiness arose.
11 am Twelve minutes silent seated noting with Julie. A lot of rocking, pulsing, releasing, sadness. I think I didn't put words to a lot of it. Like there was a lot of something that could be called tingling but felt slightly anguished and was complex. I'd felt it plenty of times before. A couple minutes before the bell, brought myself gradually back to the external world, because in recent weeks when meditating with Julie or my meditation group at work I have found it painful to suddenly emerge and reconnect with the dukkha of the external world, especially the dukkha of social contact.
5pm 20 minutes metta on the bus.
11-11:45 pm Anger upon Eric arriving home just at the moment I was about to go to bed.
11:45-midnight Couldn't sleep due to anger, so sat in bed and noted. Eventually, sleepiness arose.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Meditation log 06/25/12
7:20 am 45 minutes seated noting. I found this enjoyable and didn't want to stop. Toward the first half I often noticed a kind of grasping that I called "selfing". I noted this about every second note and thought, "This grasping is always there, does it make sense to note it?" When I noted it, it disappeared for a second or two, which felt unfamiliar, and I felt uncertain about it. During the second half I noticed that the grasping/selfing had almost ceased.
11:15 am Driving to work, noticed an unpleasant holding of emotion in the right throat and upper chest, and an associated mood of dread. Tried letting go of the holding. It often isn't possible to just let go, but today it was. I then found myself in a state I thought of as empty or void, where a certain kind of suffering was absent but pleasant stimulation was also absent, and I felt uneasy about that absence. This state was similar to the absence of selfing in this morning's sit.
1pm Sitting at my desk at work watching pulsations and allowing involuntary rocking and swaying in the body. Noticing old urges to react or suppress. Noticing fear that it's not OK to watch and allow these things. Not noting in the formal sense.
5pm One hour seated noting. So much sleepiness!
11:15 am Driving to work, noticed an unpleasant holding of emotion in the right throat and upper chest, and an associated mood of dread. Tried letting go of the holding. It often isn't possible to just let go, but today it was. I then found myself in a state I thought of as empty or void, where a certain kind of suffering was absent but pleasant stimulation was also absent, and I felt uneasy about that absence. This state was similar to the absence of selfing in this morning's sit.
1pm Sitting at my desk at work watching pulsations and allowing involuntary rocking and swaying in the body. Noticing old urges to react or suppress. Noticing fear that it's not OK to watch and allow these things. Not noting in the formal sense.
5pm One hour seated noting. So much sleepiness!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Meditation log 06/23/12
7:00 am? 90 minutes seated noting. There was something remarkable about it. But now, a day and a half later, I can't remember. I do know that I was glad to quit at the end.
Spent most of the day happily organizing and freecycling. Eric spent day doing map for tomorrow's Street Scramble.
Evening: discord with Eric regarding bedtime, clutter in living room. We each ended up feeling very, very sad, afraid, and alone. We were together in that, once we admitted it to each other. But it felt to me that any words I could say would bring us back to discord.
Spent most of the day happily organizing and freecycling. Eric spent day doing map for tomorrow's Street Scramble.
Evening: discord with Eric regarding bedtime, clutter in living room. We each ended up feeling very, very sad, afraid, and alone. We were together in that, once we admitted it to each other. But it felt to me that any words I could say would bring us back to discord.
Meditation log 06/24/12
6:30 am 40 minutes metta. I felt like I really needed the soothingness of this. Instead of forcefully casting aside thoughts and sensations other than my object of meditation (metta), I gently noted each one and gently returned to metta. This is not brand new; I've been experimenting with this in recent months. But it's a significant shift from how I did concentration practice for 2.2 years, starting from when I first started concentration practice with Tina & Stephen in August 2009 until last fall. My mind gathered rather quickly this morning and easily accessed a rich, comforting, pleasurable feeling of metta. But difficult sensations in the right torso competed for my attention. It continues to seem that I am afraid of pleasure.
Afterward, resisted and procrastinated getting ready to go orienteering.
Had a very enjoyable day. Picked up Grandpa Franz, went to the Issaquah Street Scramble, had lunch with Franz and Margie at the Hearthstone, and hung out with El for 90 minutes at her house. Before arriving at El's, I was tense in anticipation of being with her. I spent some minutes giving gentle attention to the tension. It didn't seem to dissipate, but I felt glad to do it. Then I surprised myself by being very at ease and ebullient with her.
Afterward, resisted and procrastinated getting ready to go orienteering.
Had a very enjoyable day. Picked up Grandpa Franz, went to the Issaquah Street Scramble, had lunch with Franz and Margie at the Hearthstone, and hung out with El for 90 minutes at her house. Before arriving at El's, I was tense in anticipation of being with her. I spent some minutes giving gentle attention to the tension. It didn't seem to dissipate, but I felt glad to do it. Then I surprised myself by being very at ease and ebullient with her.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Meditation log 06/22/12
6:40am 45 minutes seated noting. At first, lots of sadness and aversion. Then, the aversion largely disappeared.
9:00am 50 minutes noting during morning commute. Wondered whether I was avoiding the noting of pleasure. Deliberately looked for pleasant sights and noticed the sensations in the body. Sadness usually followed.
General sense of gladness that I am going through this process. Had an inkling of a notion that I really am dying in advance of death, doing a lot of the necessary letting go.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with ISB meditation group (today, just me and Greg Z.) Sadness. Hard to emerge (as usual in recent weeks when I'm sitting mid-day with others at work).
I've been looking at my feelings about work. I have a project I'm doing right now that's really fun. But I feel sad about making progress on it. Sad to let go of it, I guess.
Tensions in right jaw and right torso quite uncomfortable today.
9:00am 50 minutes noting during morning commute. Wondered whether I was avoiding the noting of pleasure. Deliberately looked for pleasant sights and noticed the sensations in the body. Sadness usually followed.
General sense of gladness that I am going through this process. Had an inkling of a notion that I really am dying in advance of death, doing a lot of the necessary letting go.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with ISB meditation group (today, just me and Greg Z.) Sadness. Hard to emerge (as usual in recent weeks when I'm sitting mid-day with others at work).
I've been looking at my feelings about work. I have a project I'm doing right now that's really fun. But I feel sad about making progress on it. Sad to let go of it, I guess.
Tensions in right jaw and right torso quite uncomfortable today.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Meditation log 06/21/12
6:45 am 45 minutes seated quiet noting. After a little while, almost all discomfort and aversion ceased, and I noted expanding, rocking, hearing, "that" (for various complex bodily sensations), pressure, releasing, craving (occasionally, seemingly for mental activity / self). I would like to have continued. Increased sensitivity to my body's reactions to stimuli, such as noises and Eric's body moving in bed next to me.
8:07 am 15 minutes noting on the bus.
7:15pm 30 minutes noting while running (NWTR Ravenna run). When I was honest with myself, I noticed a lot of aversion (I just wanted to be finished with the run), and this was unpleasant.
10pm 25 minutes seated noting. Stopped due to back pain.
8:07 am 15 minutes noting on the bus.
7:15pm 30 minutes noting while running (NWTR Ravenna run). When I was honest with myself, I noticed a lot of aversion (I just wanted to be finished with the run), and this was unpleasant.
10pm 25 minutes seated noting. Stopped due to back pain.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Meditation log 06/20/12
6:45 am 35 minutes seated silent noting.
10:30 am 45 minutes seated mouthed noting. Mostly sadness and related sensations. Trying to relax and open into the sadness. As I type that, I noticed self-criticism re: "trying". Noticing sadness about many, many different kinds of things. Rocked my torso a little, thinking it's better to move than to be very still. Noted a lot of bundles of emotional sensation that I couldn't name; just noted "that".
It's hard to remember what happened during a meditation session. Sometimes I think of trying to store aspects of a session during the session itself, but I choose not to, because it interferes with the meditation.
Googling "meditation misery" to see what others besides Dan Ingram and Ron Crouch might have written about the stage called Misery, I encountered a delightful account of a beginner's experience at a seven-day retreat at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre. It vividly and unashamedly describes what's crazy and difficult, and also wonderful, about retreats.
10 pm 25 minutes seated quiet noting. Sadness, I think.
10:30 am 45 minutes seated mouthed noting. Mostly sadness and related sensations. Trying to relax and open into the sadness. As I type that, I noticed self-criticism re: "trying". Noticing sadness about many, many different kinds of things. Rocked my torso a little, thinking it's better to move than to be very still. Noted a lot of bundles of emotional sensation that I couldn't name; just noted "that".
It's hard to remember what happened during a meditation session. Sometimes I think of trying to store aspects of a session during the session itself, but I choose not to, because it interferes with the meditation.
Googling "meditation misery" to see what others besides Dan Ingram and Ron Crouch might have written about the stage called Misery, I encountered a delightful account of a beginner's experience at a seven-day retreat at the Insight Meditation Society in Barre. It vividly and unashamedly describes what's crazy and difficult, and also wonderful, about retreats.
10 pm 25 minutes seated quiet noting. Sadness, I think.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Meditation log 06/19/12
6:30 am 15 minutes silent noting. Noticing in more detail, and with more allowing and acceptance, feelings of sadness. I enjoyed meditating very much and didn't want to rise.
8:05 am 20 minutes silent noting on the bus. Then 15 minutes noting while walking to work, interspersed with some bouts of intentional thinking.
Tonight is a Q&A session with Rodney Smith at SIMS. Walking to work, I was trying to think of a question to ask. I thought of asking to what degree of enlightenment he had attained. Then I noticed the sad and angry feelings behind the question, and realized it would be fruitful to look at those. It's my anger at parents/teachers: you aren't telling me what's really going on! You're a fraud and need to be exposed!
Skipped SIMS. Instead, took a 90 minute nap at work, then worked late.
10:30 pm 20 minutes seated noting. Sadness, fear.
8:05 am 20 minutes silent noting on the bus. Then 15 minutes noting while walking to work, interspersed with some bouts of intentional thinking.
Tonight is a Q&A session with Rodney Smith at SIMS. Walking to work, I was trying to think of a question to ask. I thought of asking to what degree of enlightenment he had attained. Then I noticed the sad and angry feelings behind the question, and realized it would be fruitful to look at those. It's my anger at parents/teachers: you aren't telling me what's really going on! You're a fraud and need to be exposed!
Skipped SIMS. Instead, took a 90 minute nap at work, then worked late.
10:30 pm 20 minutes seated noting. Sadness, fear.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Meditation log 06/17/12
6am One hour seated noting. Tried to be relaxed/allowing. Found myself thinking obsessively about how my diet/exercise regime. Looked more closely at feelings. Saw big tension in right torso. Sadness, aversion, sadness, fear, sleepiness. When disturbing things happened (Eric's radio alarm, Eric moving) I very quickly went to anger, then anguish -- the fear didn't ripple through me, but rather I seemed to hold it.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Meditation log 06/16/12
Upon going to bed last night, I set a mild intention to awaken in the middle of the night and meditate. It didn't happen though ... or, at least, not as I'd intended.
About 1:00 am Eric got into bed with me. I experienced fright and said, "I've been meditating ... in my sleep ... involuntarily." I had the impression that in my sleep I had been paying close attention to the phenomena in my awareness.
Sleep was again interrupted by Eric's alarm around 4:30 and my subsequent effort to make sure he arose.
7:30 am 90 minutes seated noting. I felt especially relaxed in my effort; I wondered if this was because Beth showed approval and encouragement for this last night. Lots of sadness and sleepiness that passed through my body very quickly and easily. I noticed that meditation was easy, and looked to see whether there were tensions in the right side of my body. I saw that there was only mild tension in the right torso, and moderate tension in the jaw/throat, and that neither of these felt uncomfortable -- there was no aversion to them. Later in the session, the sadness became stickier, and there was a mood of melancholy.
After this, I felt sleepy and decided to lie down and sleep. But once I was lying down, sleep did not come quickly. I decided to try meditating, and found that I was able to have good attention lying down, although not as good as when sitting up. I meditated and dozed for 3.5 hours! until about 12:30. At first it was mostly meditating, but later it became mostly sleeping. I chose this in the spirit of listening to myself and allowing myself what I felt I wanted (Beth yesterday encouraged me to have this attitude on my next retreat, and her words had a strong influence).
I roused myself from sleep when I started having nightmares, feelings of not being able to breathe, and general physical discomfort. This is what I commonly experience when I sleep "too long". I also vividly imagined that my friend El was walking along the side of the house and talking to someone; I suppose it was actually a friend of the neighbor, but it startled me.
8 pm Kora music at house concert. I tried meditating instead of my usual listening-to-music mental activity, which is a combination of hearing, fantasizing, planning, investigation, and analysis. I resisted doing it at first, fearing it was wrong. Then I relaxed into doing it, but eventually abandoned it, because it didn't allow me to enjoy the music.
About 1:00 am Eric got into bed with me. I experienced fright and said, "I've been meditating ... in my sleep ... involuntarily." I had the impression that in my sleep I had been paying close attention to the phenomena in my awareness.
Sleep was again interrupted by Eric's alarm around 4:30 and my subsequent effort to make sure he arose.
7:30 am 90 minutes seated noting. I felt especially relaxed in my effort; I wondered if this was because Beth showed approval and encouragement for this last night. Lots of sadness and sleepiness that passed through my body very quickly and easily. I noticed that meditation was easy, and looked to see whether there were tensions in the right side of my body. I saw that there was only mild tension in the right torso, and moderate tension in the jaw/throat, and that neither of these felt uncomfortable -- there was no aversion to them. Later in the session, the sadness became stickier, and there was a mood of melancholy.
After this, I felt sleepy and decided to lie down and sleep. But once I was lying down, sleep did not come quickly. I decided to try meditating, and found that I was able to have good attention lying down, although not as good as when sitting up. I meditated and dozed for 3.5 hours! until about 12:30. At first it was mostly meditating, but later it became mostly sleeping. I chose this in the spirit of listening to myself and allowing myself what I felt I wanted (Beth yesterday encouraged me to have this attitude on my next retreat, and her words had a strong influence).
I roused myself from sleep when I started having nightmares, feelings of not being able to breathe, and general physical discomfort. This is what I commonly experience when I sleep "too long". I also vividly imagined that my friend El was walking along the side of the house and talking to someone; I suppose it was actually a friend of the neighbor, but it startled me.
8 pm Kora music at house concert. I tried meditating instead of my usual listening-to-music mental activity, which is a combination of hearing, fantasizing, planning, investigation, and analysis. I resisted doing it at first, fearing it was wrong. Then I relaxed into doing it, but eventually abandoned it, because it didn't allow me to enjoy the music.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Meditation log 06/15/12
6:40am One hour seated meditation. 49 minutes self-metta, 11 minutes silent noting.
8:50 am 15 minutes silent noting walking from bus to work. For a while I switched to "just being present", without noting. This is what I used to do before I adopted noting a month or two ago. I really didn't like it! It seemed that I was much less able to be detached in my awareness. Just reflecting on it now, I am resisting remembering it and feel sad when I try to. Interesting.
1pm 30 minutes silent noting with work meditation group. Not unpleasant. Remembering the discomfort I've felt recently upon emerging from meditation in this group, I anticipated the ending several times during the sitting and experienced a delicate dance of sadness, sleepiness, and fear.
8pm Meeting with Beth Resnick-Folk. I said I didn't feel like meditating together, and she totally didn't push it. I think she's trying not to push me in anything. We talked about my RLS (she encouraged me to move during meditation if it helps), about where to direct attention during noting (she encourages whatever is predominant, but if the breath or sound serves as a useful anchor, go for it), her recent retreat at IMS, and my upcoming retreat with Gil. I felt ill at ease talking with her, as I do when I talk with anyone, but the discomfort was mild.
8:50 am 15 minutes silent noting walking from bus to work. For a while I switched to "just being present", without noting. This is what I used to do before I adopted noting a month or two ago. I really didn't like it! It seemed that I was much less able to be detached in my awareness. Just reflecting on it now, I am resisting remembering it and feel sad when I try to. Interesting.
1pm 30 minutes silent noting with work meditation group. Not unpleasant. Remembering the discomfort I've felt recently upon emerging from meditation in this group, I anticipated the ending several times during the sitting and experienced a delicate dance of sadness, sleepiness, and fear.
8pm Meeting with Beth Resnick-Folk. I said I didn't feel like meditating together, and she totally didn't push it. I think she's trying not to push me in anything. We talked about my RLS (she encouraged me to move during meditation if it helps), about where to direct attention during noting (she encourages whatever is predominant, but if the breath or sound serves as a useful anchor, go for it), her recent retreat at IMS, and my upcoming retreat with Gil. I felt ill at ease talking with her, as I do when I talk with anyone, but the discomfort was mild.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Reactions to being disturbed -- the second arrow
My co-worker in the next cube has had a long-lasting cold with periodic coughs and sneezes. When he coughs/sneezes, I watch a wave of tensing/releasing pass through my torso. The wave passes through in a second, and leaves almost no residue--meaning that there is no long-lasting effect in me, no train of thought about how difficult this is to bear, no continuing tension, no anger.
This is remarkable and incredibly wonderful. I am seeing what it means to stop a certain kind of suffering. Indeed, the "first arrow" of the disturbing sound is unpleasant. But its unpleasantness is only a tiny fraction of the unpleasantness of the "second arrow" that my psyche used to habitually inflict upon itself. In the past, anxiety and resistance regarding these disturbances would accumulate in my body and mind, creating fatigue and crankiness. I still get fatigued and cranky, but not over this.
(See the Sallatha Sutta for the Buddha's teaching about the first and second arrows.)
I could not have stopped this "second arrow" through force of will. If I could have, I would have long ago, because I knew how to intellectually. My ability to stop the second arrow comes from the direct seeing of the workings of my mind that I have experienced over the past several months. Woot!
Similarly, whenever he (or any of my office neighbors) throws something in the trash, I feel disturbed. I think my psyche imagines that I am being thrown in the trash. But now, I let go of that feeling immediately. In the past it used to stick.
This is remarkable and incredibly wonderful. I am seeing what it means to stop a certain kind of suffering. Indeed, the "first arrow" of the disturbing sound is unpleasant. But its unpleasantness is only a tiny fraction of the unpleasantness of the "second arrow" that my psyche used to habitually inflict upon itself. In the past, anxiety and resistance regarding these disturbances would accumulate in my body and mind, creating fatigue and crankiness. I still get fatigued and cranky, but not over this.
(See the Sallatha Sutta for the Buddha's teaching about the first and second arrows.)
I could not have stopped this "second arrow" through force of will. If I could have, I would have long ago, because I knew how to intellectually. My ability to stop the second arrow comes from the direct seeing of the workings of my mind that I have experienced over the past several months. Woot!
Similarly, whenever he (or any of my office neighbors) throws something in the trash, I feel disturbed. I think my psyche imagines that I am being thrown in the trash. But now, I let go of that feeling immediately. In the past it used to stick.
Meditation log 06/14/12
7:20 am 45 minutes seated noting in the car after nabbing a cheap parking space. As usual lately, a mixture of vocal, whispered, mouthed, and silent noting. Today I started with vocal and drifted to the more non-active/quiet. Vocal/active noting creates tension and unpleasantness. Today I noted sadness, pressure, tension, sleepiness. But it was not nearly as unpleasant as last night. Also, doubt -- doubt that I was placing my attention correctly, that I was using the proper notes. Confusion amongst unpleasant, aversion, anguish, anxiety -- they all seem to come up at once and not be distinguishable.
I'd wondered how early I needed to arrive to get a cheap space. When I left my car at 8:07, the last spot had just been taken.
Continued noting while walking to the building: smell (biscuits at Serious Pie!), stepping, seeing, hearing ... pleasant (the smell of biscuits, the feeling of the smooth handrail in the stairwell, the sight of colored chalk on the sidewalk).
6:05 pm 25 minutes seated silent noting. Not too unpleasant -- until RLS sensations came. I shifted my attention to the RLS sensations, and I enjoyed the challenge of that for a while, but then sleepiness dominated and I arose.
I'd wondered how early I needed to arrive to get a cheap space. When I left my car at 8:07, the last spot had just been taken.
Continued noting while walking to the building: smell (biscuits at Serious Pie!), stepping, seeing, hearing ... pleasant (the smell of biscuits, the feeling of the smooth handrail in the stairwell, the sight of colored chalk on the sidewalk).
6:05 pm 25 minutes seated silent noting. Not too unpleasant -- until RLS sensations came. I shifted my attention to the RLS sensations, and I enjoyed the challenge of that for a while, but then sleepiness dominated and I arose.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Meditation log 06/13/12
7:00 a.m. 30 minute sit in bed. Silent/mouthed/whispered noting. Some sadness, some joy.
8:30 a.m. 20 minutes noting during bus ride. Sadness + joy. Remarkable, unbelievable to note joy.
3:30 pm 15 minutes noting in the quiet room at work. Thinking, sleepiness.
Eric picked me up from work. This was happy. But I flinched whenever he touched me. During most of our relationship, when I was touched, I'd often flinch inside, but I'd suck up the unpleasantness and behave in a welcoming manner. Lately I've not wanted to do that. And I didn't do it today. This put Eric into a funk, which made me scared. We spent about an hour organizing his papers.
9:20 pm 35 minutes seated noting. Excruciating. At first, a lot of aversion regarding stuck tension in right torso. Anger, sadness. Sleepiness. Every minute or so, saliva would collect at the left corner of my mouth, and I'd need to lick it off, and this triggered sadness and anger. Then the RLS started up. I shifted my attention to the RLS sensations in order to stave off the unbearable jerkiness, but I was sleepy and my attention wasn't sharp. I intended to go for another 15 minutes, but I quit.
Ate chocolate covered marzipan!
8:30 a.m. 20 minutes noting during bus ride. Sadness + joy. Remarkable, unbelievable to note joy.
3:30 pm 15 minutes noting in the quiet room at work. Thinking, sleepiness.
Eric picked me up from work. This was happy. But I flinched whenever he touched me. During most of our relationship, when I was touched, I'd often flinch inside, but I'd suck up the unpleasantness and behave in a welcoming manner. Lately I've not wanted to do that. And I didn't do it today. This put Eric into a funk, which made me scared. We spent about an hour organizing his papers.
9:20 pm 35 minutes seated noting. Excruciating. At first, a lot of aversion regarding stuck tension in right torso. Anger, sadness. Sleepiness. Every minute or so, saliva would collect at the left corner of my mouth, and I'd need to lick it off, and this triggered sadness and anger. Then the RLS started up. I shifted my attention to the RLS sensations in order to stave off the unbearable jerkiness, but I was sleepy and my attention wasn't sharp. I intended to go for another 15 minutes, but I quit.
Ate chocolate covered marzipan!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Re-entry from long retreat 7.5 months ago
While I was at the Forest Refuge during September and October of 2011, I broke a lot of habits, both physical and mental, and adopted some new ones. I'd hoped to retain most of this post-retreat. Some of the habits I'd broken re-appeared within a few weeks, like biting my lower lip from stress. Others re-appeared after more weeks: habitual multi-tasking, compulsive checking of email, compulsive eating to relieve stress.
Others seemed like maybe they'd gone away long-term. But some of those have come back recently. In particular, I once again read the newspaper mindlessly while eating. Especially Ask Amy.
I'm aware of a few things that are still different from pre-retreat. Emotions still pass through my body very fluidly and physically. This has actually continued to increase over the months. I still feel kind of like my body is in some kind of energy field; my head often feels like it's rocking/floating in a viscous fluid. I drink alcohol a bit less and socialize a bit less.
Of course, the big habit that's still different from pre-retreat is my meditation habit. I'm a much more dedicated and consistent meditator. I wonder how long that will last.
Others seemed like maybe they'd gone away long-term. But some of those have come back recently. In particular, I once again read the newspaper mindlessly while eating. Especially Ask Amy.
I'm aware of a few things that are still different from pre-retreat. Emotions still pass through my body very fluidly and physically. This has actually continued to increase over the months. I still feel kind of like my body is in some kind of energy field; my head often feels like it's rocking/floating in a viscous fluid. I drink alcohol a bit less and socialize a bit less.
Of course, the big habit that's still different from pre-retreat is my meditation habit. I'm a much more dedicated and consistent meditator. I wonder how long that will last.
Meditation log 06/12/12
6:45 a.m. 45 minute sit. About 15 minutes self-metta, then noting. I think I noted joy once and was surprised. Maybe a few times. Also sadness, but it wasn't sticky. It just pulsed through.
Acted in an unusual manner upon rising. Didn't make eye contact with Eric because I didn't feel like it. Is this sullenness? Or is it "staying within myself"? Eric was unusually kind; made me breakfast and cleaned up my dishes from making lunch. And walked me to the bus.
8:00 a.m. 40 minutes noting during commute to work. Although the bus is generally a more distracting environment than sitting at home, I found I had good concentration. While I continued to note sadness, I also occasionally noted happiness, gladness, and joy. Remarkable.
6:45 pm 40 minute sit at SIMS. Self-metta. Lots of drowsiness toward the end.
Sorted through Eric's papers with Eric. Frustrated, angry, hopeless, shame (at feeling stuck), enjoyment (I like to sort!).
11:00 pm About 45 minute sit in bed. At first, thoughts dominated, but they eventually quieted. At one point, a new releasing of some holding, then a samadhi-like state for some minutes -- meaning, I felt like I was in a place of peace and solitude and there was attention for my visual field (which was mostly dark and unremarkable). Then, enjoyment of sensation passing through body, especially hearing. Some joy was noted. Not bothered by sleepiness.
Acted in an unusual manner upon rising. Didn't make eye contact with Eric because I didn't feel like it. Is this sullenness? Or is it "staying within myself"? Eric was unusually kind; made me breakfast and cleaned up my dishes from making lunch. And walked me to the bus.
8:00 a.m. 40 minutes noting during commute to work. Although the bus is generally a more distracting environment than sitting at home, I found I had good concentration. While I continued to note sadness, I also occasionally noted happiness, gladness, and joy. Remarkable.
6:45 pm 40 minute sit at SIMS. Self-metta. Lots of drowsiness toward the end.
Sorted through Eric's papers with Eric. Frustrated, angry, hopeless, shame (at feeling stuck), enjoyment (I like to sort!).
11:00 pm About 45 minute sit in bed. At first, thoughts dominated, but they eventually quieted. At one point, a new releasing of some holding, then a samadhi-like state for some minutes -- meaning, I felt like I was in a place of peace and solitude and there was attention for my visual field (which was mostly dark and unremarkable). Then, enjoyment of sensation passing through body, especially hearing. Some joy was noted. Not bothered by sleepiness.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Meditation log 06/11/12
6:40 a.m. One hour seated noting. A lot of sadness throughout. The sadness felt "stuck", kind of anguished -- rather than a simple sensation that passes quickly. Also noted: roiling, sleepiness, aversion.
Started the hour with about 7 minutes of self-metta. Then, had the idea that I wanted to "just sit", rather than do the activity of noting. Started to "just sit", but then saw thoughts arise and didn't want to let them run rampant. So added very gentle noting, even slightly more gentle than when I tried to follow Beth's instruction to do be relaxed.
But when I noticed all the sadness, and how my body was holding it, I ramped up the noting to my usual pace (a little slower than 1x/second) to see if that made the sadness less sticky. It didn't. But I stayed with the faster speed anyway, because it was more familiar.
I had a lot of thoughts, and often a thought was followed by sadness.
Now, as I write, I feel the tension in the right torso/throat that I think was associated with the sadness in meditation.
Day full of sadness! Curtly told Eric he needed to take care of the half-done organizing project around his desk by end of day Wednesday. Then felt really sad. Sadness through session with Trip. Sullen all day at work. Resisted being mindful; wanted to engage in angry thoughts. At home in the evening, ranted to Eric about his disrespect for the space in the house. 30 minute run fueled by angry thoughts; by second half of run, though, got into a noting groove and let go of thoughts. Talked more with Eric. Went to bed alone. Noticed habit of feeling bad about this choice, but diverted this train relatively easily. Told myself that it was right for me to take care of myself, to "stay within myself" as Rodney says.
5pm At a bag of Famous Amos choc chip cookies. This is the last thing I ate all day.
10:30 p.m. About 50 minutes seated meditation in bed. I think I started with metta, but mostly I did noting. The noting practice got unpleasant so I set a timer for 30 minutes so I could stop thinking about quitting. I couldn't wait to quit. I can't remember exactly what was unpleasant; I think it was a sticky glob of sensation in the right torso. I was surprised that I could meditate this long this late at night without being interrupted by RLS or sleepiness.
Started the hour with about 7 minutes of self-metta. Then, had the idea that I wanted to "just sit", rather than do the activity of noting. Started to "just sit", but then saw thoughts arise and didn't want to let them run rampant. So added very gentle noting, even slightly more gentle than when I tried to follow Beth's instruction to do be relaxed.
But when I noticed all the sadness, and how my body was holding it, I ramped up the noting to my usual pace (a little slower than 1x/second) to see if that made the sadness less sticky. It didn't. But I stayed with the faster speed anyway, because it was more familiar.
I had a lot of thoughts, and often a thought was followed by sadness.
Now, as I write, I feel the tension in the right torso/throat that I think was associated with the sadness in meditation.
Day full of sadness! Curtly told Eric he needed to take care of the half-done organizing project around his desk by end of day Wednesday. Then felt really sad. Sadness through session with Trip. Sullen all day at work. Resisted being mindful; wanted to engage in angry thoughts. At home in the evening, ranted to Eric about his disrespect for the space in the house. 30 minute run fueled by angry thoughts; by second half of run, though, got into a noting groove and let go of thoughts. Talked more with Eric. Went to bed alone. Noticed habit of feeling bad about this choice, but diverted this train relatively easily. Told myself that it was right for me to take care of myself, to "stay within myself" as Rodney says.
5pm At a bag of Famous Amos choc chip cookies. This is the last thing I ate all day.
10:30 p.m. About 50 minutes seated meditation in bed. I think I started with metta, but mostly I did noting. The noting practice got unpleasant so I set a timer for 30 minutes so I could stop thinking about quitting. I couldn't wait to quit. I can't remember exactly what was unpleasant; I think it was a sticky glob of sensation in the right torso. I was surprised that I could meditate this long this late at night without being interrupted by RLS or sleepiness.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Meditation log 06/10/12
6:30 a.m. 30 minutes self-metta, then one hour of noting. During self-metta, did a bit of noting of the fear and resistance that comes up when I feel pleasure and well-being.
During the latter one hour, noting included a lot of sadness and a lot of thinking, not necessarily associated with each other. The session wasn't difficult. To prevent runaway thinking, sometimes noted "thinking" when I just felt the sensation of brain activity, before any discernable thought had arose. This is something I've practiced from time to time for years. It's generally satisfying -- easy to do, effective at preventing runaway thought -- but there is one small unsatisfying thing about it, and that is that all of the added noting (I tend to note "thinking" every 2 or 3 notes) displaces noting of other sensation. There is something unsatisfying about letting all those other sensations, usually noted, go by un-noted.
I did some silent noting, some mouthed noting, and some whispered noting. When shifting from less active to more active noting (e.g. from silent to mouthed, from mouthed to whispered), there is always resistance. It's a less uncomfortable transition if I allow myself to imagine it first. After imagining it, my body takes a deep breath, seemingly in preparation for the exertion.
Some of what's uncomfortable about more active noting (I noticed today) is tiny discomforts associated with all of the minute physical actions needed to form words with my mouth. This is the same discomfort I wrote about months ago. At that time I was aware of discomfort upon taking physical action outside of meditation, such as turning my head or moving my fingers to keyboard. In fact, I can feel it while keyboarding now. A tingling.
Some of my thinking was about my upcoming September retreat with Gil. I learned last week that I am accepted for the retreat. Now I am wondering how to best prepare and engage in the retreat. How can I take care of myself to avoid the isolation I experienced last fall at the Forest Refuge?
Very pleasant day helping Eric organize his stuff, then boating at Zarina's parents house. Tried to do noting while in the midst of boating and socializing. It was hard but I liked it -- it allayed my social anxiety. It was hard because I'm so much of the habit of not being present while socializing, and while noting I kept fearing that I wasn't being sociable enough.
6:30 p.m. 40 minutes silent noting with Janet's sitting group. Dozed a lot toward the end.
Very pleasant dinner cooked by Eric, with neighbor Paul visiting.
During the latter one hour, noting included a lot of sadness and a lot of thinking, not necessarily associated with each other. The session wasn't difficult. To prevent runaway thinking, sometimes noted "thinking" when I just felt the sensation of brain activity, before any discernable thought had arose. This is something I've practiced from time to time for years. It's generally satisfying -- easy to do, effective at preventing runaway thought -- but there is one small unsatisfying thing about it, and that is that all of the added noting (I tend to note "thinking" every 2 or 3 notes) displaces noting of other sensation. There is something unsatisfying about letting all those other sensations, usually noted, go by un-noted.
I did some silent noting, some mouthed noting, and some whispered noting. When shifting from less active to more active noting (e.g. from silent to mouthed, from mouthed to whispered), there is always resistance. It's a less uncomfortable transition if I allow myself to imagine it first. After imagining it, my body takes a deep breath, seemingly in preparation for the exertion.
Some of what's uncomfortable about more active noting (I noticed today) is tiny discomforts associated with all of the minute physical actions needed to form words with my mouth. This is the same discomfort I wrote about months ago. At that time I was aware of discomfort upon taking physical action outside of meditation, such as turning my head or moving my fingers to keyboard. In fact, I can feel it while keyboarding now. A tingling.
Some of my thinking was about my upcoming September retreat with Gil. I learned last week that I am accepted for the retreat. Now I am wondering how to best prepare and engage in the retreat. How can I take care of myself to avoid the isolation I experienced last fall at the Forest Refuge?
Very pleasant day helping Eric organize his stuff, then boating at Zarina's parents house. Tried to do noting while in the midst of boating and socializing. It was hard but I liked it -- it allayed my social anxiety. It was hard because I'm so much of the habit of not being present while socializing, and while noting I kept fearing that I wasn't being sociable enough.
6:30 p.m. 40 minutes silent noting with Janet's sitting group. Dozed a lot toward the end.
Very pleasant dinner cooked by Eric, with neighbor Paul visiting.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Meditation log 06/09/12
6:40 a.m. 50 minutes mouthed noting. I've started mouthing the words. Saying them, even whispering them, makes my mouth dry and requires me to change my breathing.
Slow, pleasant, happy day, free of distress. Picked up bagel donation from Bagel Oasis and served bagels to Tent City for breakfast. Worked with Zarina and Eric to tidy Eric's workspace. Then hung out with Zarina and Eric and talked. Then did some tidying and organizing and freecycling of my own stuff, then worked with Zarina to tidy garage.
8:40 p.m. 30 minutes: 10 minutes metta, 10 minutes whispered noting (decided to try whispering again), and 10 minutes meditating using the RLS sensations as object (since they would otherwise have been unbearable). A lot of sleepiness, which, in combination with the RLS, prompted me to abort what I'd hoped would be a full hour of sitting.
Slow, pleasant, happy day, free of distress. Picked up bagel donation from Bagel Oasis and served bagels to Tent City for breakfast. Worked with Zarina and Eric to tidy Eric's workspace. Then hung out with Zarina and Eric and talked. Then did some tidying and organizing and freecycling of my own stuff, then worked with Zarina to tidy garage.
8:40 p.m. 30 minutes: 10 minutes metta, 10 minutes whispered noting (decided to try whispering again), and 10 minutes meditating using the RLS sensations as object (since they would otherwise have been unbearable). A lot of sleepiness, which, in combination with the RLS, prompted me to abort what I'd hoped would be a full hour of sitting.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Meditation log 06/08/12
7:15 a.m. 30 minutes seated silent noting in bed. Was easy, good concentration, not too unpleasant. Again, seemed that I was noticing things as they were ending or after they had already taken place. Sadness noted often. Sadness is often coupled with sleepiness.
8:41 a.m. Noted during morning commute: walk to bus, long bus ride (I'd missed all the fast busses), walk through Lake Union Park to work. More sadness. Sometimes I got an unidentifiable emotional churning that I noted as roiling, anguish, or churning.
I find that since I committed to working with Beth Resnick-Folk as my meditation coach, I've stopped being concerned about which stage I'm at in the progress of insight. I trust that she will guide me properly, wherever I am.
I know that at one of the earlier stages (2? 3?) one is supposed to distinguish between a phenomenon and the knowing of it. This has never been part of my experience. I don't notice these as separate. It doesn't even seem to make sense: how can one be aware of a phenomenon apart from "the knowing of it"?
8:41 a.m. Noted during morning commute: walk to bus, long bus ride (I'd missed all the fast busses), walk through Lake Union Park to work. More sadness. Sometimes I got an unidentifiable emotional churning that I noted as roiling, anguish, or churning.
I find that since I committed to working with Beth Resnick-Folk as my meditation coach, I've stopped being concerned about which stage I'm at in the progress of insight. I trust that she will guide me properly, wherever I am.
I know that at one of the earlier stages (2? 3?) one is supposed to distinguish between a phenomenon and the knowing of it. This has never been part of my experience. I don't notice these as separate. It doesn't even seem to make sense: how can one be aware of a phenomenon apart from "the knowing of it"?
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Meditation log 06/07/12
7:15 a.m. One hour silent noting while seated in car. I needed to drive to work early to get a cheap parking space. Felt familiar strong tension in right chest/jaw with an associated yearning for release/relief. Noted for about 5 minutes, then, like yesterday, took approx. 8 minutes time-out to feel into the tension and allow release. Not effective. Continued noting: tension, anguish, yearning, craving. The tension was associated with an (again familiar) force causing my head to tip toward my chest. When this force is present during meditation, I am vaguely preoccupied with whether to yield to the force or to keep my head upright; this adds to discomfort. Other notes: pressure, hearing, sleepiness, sadness, contact, irritation, salivation, moisture, coughing, pulsing, expanding, release, thinking.
Ate lightly, then 4 oreos at 3:00 team meeting. Seemed to get a caffeine buzz from that; was hyper and talkative during 5pm couple counseling. Dinner for date night with Eric. At 8pm we lay down together for some physical intimacy. By 9pm I noticed I was "checked out"; I didn't want to continue with Eric but didn't want to get up either. I just wanted to fall asleep. Eric suggested we do that, so we did, without our evening ablutions.
1:15 a.m. Wasn't sleeping deeply so awoke for an hour's silent seated noting. Concentration was strong, as it usually is in the middle of the night. Began with neutral sensations, then some unpleasant sensations began to arise in the right torso/jaw. Also, for the first time in memory, sexual sensations in the genitals. Some sleepiness. Didn't particularly want to quit when the chime went off after an hour. There were some more remarkable things about this sitting but I can't remember them now.
Ate lightly, then 4 oreos at 3:00 team meeting. Seemed to get a caffeine buzz from that; was hyper and talkative during 5pm couple counseling. Dinner for date night with Eric. At 8pm we lay down together for some physical intimacy. By 9pm I noticed I was "checked out"; I didn't want to continue with Eric but didn't want to get up either. I just wanted to fall asleep. Eric suggested we do that, so we did, without our evening ablutions.
1:15 a.m. Wasn't sleeping deeply so awoke for an hour's silent seated noting. Concentration was strong, as it usually is in the middle of the night. Began with neutral sensations, then some unpleasant sensations began to arise in the right torso/jaw. Also, for the first time in memory, sexual sensations in the genitals. Some sleepiness. Didn't particularly want to quit when the chime went off after an hour. There were some more remarkable things about this sitting but I can't remember them now.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Meditation log 06/06/23
6:15 a.m. One hour faintly whispered noting, about 1x/second, sometimes slower. Almost nothing unpleasant was noted. Very little desire to quit. Occasional thinking. Usually when I notice thinking, my immediate response is to note something that's not thinking. Then I notice what's happened, and note, "noticing" or "remembering". Today's notes: expanding, releasing, hearing, pressure, tingling, contact.
A couple of times in the middle of meditation I blew my nose or checked my clock. I tried to note during these actions: intending, lifting, reaching ... These actions are unpleasant. There is resistance to doing them. I note resistance, anxiety, tension, sadness.
Continued noting through ablutions, yoga. Again through commute. While walking, my attention was more centered than usual; I gently refrained from looking about and was more aware of sensations in my body. When I arrived at work, the habit of mindfulness persisted; I was inclined to walk slowly and awarely, in the way that I was inclined when I came back from my 2 month retreat.
3:40 p.m. Sat in the quiet room at work for an hour's meditation, but only lasted ten minutes. Noted sleepiness a lot, then finally lay down for a delicious 90 minute nap that left me really refreshed.
Diligent noting during walk to bus and on the bus ride home. Then Eric, Zarina, and I drove to the Museum of History and Industry for their free farewell open-house. The Montlake location closes permanently after tomorrow.
9:30 p.m. 41 minutes seated silent noting. Vocal noting caused me to cough. An hour earlier I'd had an experience that caused me to feel upset, a restimulation of having been scolded as a child for making a mistake. This experience caused a tightness in my chest that persisted during the meditation and was unpleasant. About 5 minutes into the meditation I took a 5-minute time-out during which, instead of noting, I placed my attention upon the tension and tried to feel into the sadness, fear, or anger that was underneath. This was partially successful. Most of what I noted was neutral, except for the chest tension. Expansion, pressure, tension, aversion, hearing, contact, thinking (a fair amount of thinking which increased over the session). The last 8 or so minutes of the session I shifted my attention entirely to the unpleasantly tingly sensations of Restless Legs Syndrome. The unbearable part of RLS is when the tingly sensations reach an excruciating crescendo that causes semi-involuntary leg jerks. But if I focus my attention on the sensations, the crescendo does not feel excruciating and does not cause the jerks.
A couple of times in the middle of meditation I blew my nose or checked my clock. I tried to note during these actions: intending, lifting, reaching ... These actions are unpleasant. There is resistance to doing them. I note resistance, anxiety, tension, sadness.
Continued noting through ablutions, yoga. Again through commute. While walking, my attention was more centered than usual; I gently refrained from looking about and was more aware of sensations in my body. When I arrived at work, the habit of mindfulness persisted; I was inclined to walk slowly and awarely, in the way that I was inclined when I came back from my 2 month retreat.
3:40 p.m. Sat in the quiet room at work for an hour's meditation, but only lasted ten minutes. Noted sleepiness a lot, then finally lay down for a delicious 90 minute nap that left me really refreshed.
Diligent noting during walk to bus and on the bus ride home. Then Eric, Zarina, and I drove to the Museum of History and Industry for their free farewell open-house. The Montlake location closes permanently after tomorrow.
9:30 p.m. 41 minutes seated silent noting. Vocal noting caused me to cough. An hour earlier I'd had an experience that caused me to feel upset, a restimulation of having been scolded as a child for making a mistake. This experience caused a tightness in my chest that persisted during the meditation and was unpleasant. About 5 minutes into the meditation I took a 5-minute time-out during which, instead of noting, I placed my attention upon the tension and tried to feel into the sadness, fear, or anger that was underneath. This was partially successful. Most of what I noted was neutral, except for the chest tension. Expansion, pressure, tension, aversion, hearing, contact, thinking (a fair amount of thinking which increased over the session). The last 8 or so minutes of the session I shifted my attention entirely to the unpleasantly tingly sensations of Restless Legs Syndrome. The unbearable part of RLS is when the tingly sensations reach an excruciating crescendo that causes semi-involuntary leg jerks. But if I focus my attention on the sensations, the crescendo does not feel excruciating and does not cause the jerks.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Meditation log 06/05/12
5:45 am 45 minutes seated noting. First whispered, then silent. When I awoke, I felt an unpleasant physical-emotional state that is typical for me upon waking. Seemed especially remarkable today how quickly that dissipated upon beginning to meditate. At first I noted a lot of unpleasant sensations and mental states, but those quickly faded, and, remarkably, for the first half of the meditation I noted almost nothing unpleasant at all, and my mental state was neutral/calm. Hearing, expansion, breeze, pressure, pulsing, contact, release, hearing, thinking. I was noting very quickly, almost twice per second. It felt natural and not forced, but in the spirit of trying to be as relaxed as possible, after about 20 minutes I slowed to about 1x per second. After slowing, sensations seemed more unpleasant, and I began noting things like nausea. Is this because I wasn't breaking sensations down as finely, so they glommed together into concepts? In the middle of the meditation I got up to use the bathroom, noting the whole way. Unpleasant sensations (pressures inside the body) and mental states arose and continued after I got back in bed (anger, fear, sadness, and sometimes something unnamable). After the end of the meditation (now), I feel pulsing, nausea, sadness, anger.
Continued noting throughout getting ready for work, taking Penny to her walking group, commute to work, listening to lab meeting. Was easy; had good mindfulness and little distractibility. Was astonished to notice high level of awareness while listening to Penny -- it was only a year or two ago that, when listening to another, I was completely unable to maintain awareness of the subtleties of my own mental states or the subtle sensations inside my own body. During bus ride to work, noticed that even though I was noting diligently, tension was accumulating in response to the repeated jolting motion of the bus. I switched to self-metta until I got off the bus, then back to noting. Noted a lot of sadness. Sometimes seemed like a sadness at letting go of an old way of being.
11:00 Ten minutes of seated silent noting.
6:45 Forty minutes of seated meditation at SIMS. First, some self-metta. Then, some silent noting. Then, some dozing.
Continued noting throughout getting ready for work, taking Penny to her walking group, commute to work, listening to lab meeting. Was easy; had good mindfulness and little distractibility. Was astonished to notice high level of awareness while listening to Penny -- it was only a year or two ago that, when listening to another, I was completely unable to maintain awareness of the subtleties of my own mental states or the subtle sensations inside my own body. During bus ride to work, noticed that even though I was noting diligently, tension was accumulating in response to the repeated jolting motion of the bus. I switched to self-metta until I got off the bus, then back to noting. Noted a lot of sadness. Sometimes seemed like a sadness at letting go of an old way of being.
11:00 Ten minutes of seated silent noting.
6:45 Forty minutes of seated meditation at SIMS. First, some self-metta. Then, some silent noting. Then, some dozing.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Meditation log 06/04/12
Went orienteering in Eastern Washington over the weekend. Meditated a couple of hours each day, about half of it in the car. I felt sullen and withdrawn during a fair amount of the time (Saturday evening, Sunday drive home). I was largely uninterested in chatting with orienteers.
During Saturday's long race at Moses Lake, looked especially at the emotions that arise immediately after each control marker comes into view. It's some kind of anxiety/upset that lasts a few seconds.
Did some noting during yesterday's "goat" (really, "kid") race at Fishtrap Lake, during which I followed Eileen Breseman almost the entire time and thus finished about 9km in under 2 hours. Wondered why I wasn't noting pleasure more often, given I was in such a beautiful place. Noticed notion that it was dangerous or inadvisable to note pleasure. After that, tried to notice (and note) pleasure more often. Noticed anxiety that arises immediately after noting pleasure.
Today:
6:40 am One hour very softly whispered noting. Sadness was noted often. No aversion; it wasn't hard to do a full hour. Seemed maybe I was noticing the ends of things, but this notion is highly suggested by stuff I've read on the stages of insight.
9:30 am Half hour noting while walking to Trip's office. Felt easy to do.
10:25 pm Ten minutes seated noting. Stopped due to restless legs.
During Saturday's long race at Moses Lake, looked especially at the emotions that arise immediately after each control marker comes into view. It's some kind of anxiety/upset that lasts a few seconds.
Did some noting during yesterday's "goat" (really, "kid") race at Fishtrap Lake, during which I followed Eileen Breseman almost the entire time and thus finished about 9km in under 2 hours. Wondered why I wasn't noting pleasure more often, given I was in such a beautiful place. Noticed notion that it was dangerous or inadvisable to note pleasure. After that, tried to notice (and note) pleasure more often. Noticed anxiety that arises immediately after noting pleasure.
Today:
6:40 am One hour very softly whispered noting. Sadness was noted often. No aversion; it wasn't hard to do a full hour. Seemed maybe I was noticing the ends of things, but this notion is highly suggested by stuff I've read on the stages of insight.
9:30 am Half hour noting while walking to Trip's office. Felt easy to do.
10:25 pm Ten minutes seated noting. Stopped due to restless legs.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Meditation log 06/01/12
3:30 a.m. (approx.) Eric woke me to say good-bye; he was leaving for San Francisco. I felt affection and also anger (at being disturbed). Mind wanted to engage in a story about how Eric tries to keep me from working toward my own goals by creating a constant crisis situation in his own life. Noticed the story was threatening to keep me awake, so turned to meditation -- and fell back to sleep.
7:20 a.m. About 20 minutes self-metta while sitting in bed. Gradually increased attention for the sense of metta over the time period; gently noted and dismissed fear and resistance. Allowing the sense of metta is like getting into a warm bath. Got up to get cough drop, use bathroom, drink water; intended to return to meditation but instead stayed up to get ready for the work day.
Decided to take a sick day.
10:00 a.m. 73 minutes self-metta. I felt like I really needed it. The words "may I be free from terror" were the ones that brought the most release.
7:20 a.m. About 20 minutes self-metta while sitting in bed. Gradually increased attention for the sense of metta over the time period; gently noted and dismissed fear and resistance. Allowing the sense of metta is like getting into a warm bath. Got up to get cough drop, use bathroom, drink water; intended to return to meditation but instead stayed up to get ready for the work day.
Decided to take a sick day.
10:00 a.m. 73 minutes self-metta. I felt like I really needed it. The words "may I be free from terror" were the ones that brought the most release.
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