Have felt in the grip of terror and gloom for some days.
One week ago to the hour, felt flu-like symptoms: fatigue, muscle aches, deep gloom, lack of interest. Fitful sleep. Symptoms lasted through Wednesday. Felt better, both physically and emotionally, Thursday and better still Friday. Hit with fatigue again Saturday afternoon while at Wide World Books and Maps with Zarina.
These symptoms are now gone, have been gone for nearly 3 days, but gloom persists. Am feeling burdened by fear coming up in relationships with Z and G. So tired of the stories that say they are unhappy with me; so tired of feeling paralyzed and reactive in the face of those stories. Aversion, avoidance. Just want it to all go away.
Just came to mind the nana called "Desire for Deliverance". I often forget the nanas. Could I be there?
Haven't been meditating or doing meditative practice much lately. Have not done much of what I call inner child work in some months, I think--none of those sessions where I sit with myself and bravely face all sensations that come my way. Why? I think I'm not finding movement there; just feeling stuck. Had been feeling a lot of opening for some while: mid-night menopausal meditations during late January, February, March; then in early April some freedom after reading the book, "Love Yourself", and practicing loving myself.
Not to say that mindfulness is no longer my constant companion. It is. And I do formal meditation several times per week, though often very briefly.
Have also given up, for the time being, fighting the curvature in my upper back. I've kind of adapted to it. I think I need to be gentle with myself and the techniques I had been doing (lying over foam half-cylinder, lying over double tennis ball) don't feel gentle.
