Anger and chronic back pain

Since 1983, there is a muscle near my right scapula that gets sore when I work at a computer or do sitting meditation. Over the years, I have tried various stretches and yoga asanas to get relief, and over the past 15 months I have worked with two physical therapists to address it. The only thing that reliably relieves the pain is to lie down for at least 15 minutes. Massaging the spot by lying on an object like a tennis ball (I used to use a glass lemon juicer) also feels good and sometimes gives relief.

I wrote a few days ago that the pain went away after about 10 minutes of giving attention to feelings of anger and letting them move through my body as I act them out. Today I found that I can get a lot of relief by slowly moving my right arm in a punching motion, giving attention to the energy of anger and really watching the sensations in the sore muscle, letting them drive the subtleties of the motion. The motion can be very subtle and still give relief, if I pay close attention. Very cool!

Does meditation help us respond to anger?

A few years ago I was sitting in front of Musashi's, my favorite sushi joint, waiting for my partner Eric. I meditated while waiting, focusing on the sensations in my belly as I breathed. Eric was running late, and I thought that meditation would be a useful way of responding to the irritation I felt. Indeed, the meditation made me feel more comfortable, and took my mind off of the irritation.

My eyes were still closed when Eric arrived and made his presence known. Immediately I felt the irritation rise up, as strong as ever. Had meditation only distracted me from my anger?

I've been a dedicated meditation practitioner for ten years. Meditation has helped me notice the sensations associated with anger, and has helped me recognize when I'm angry. And it has certainly given me a tool for getting my mind off of something that is angering me. But it hasn't seemed to help me stop feeling blocked up, helpless, vulnerable, and utterly furious when I am angered.

Me .... Hulk! Hulk .... angry!

Eric said this caption seemed to apply when I let the energy of anger move through my body, making a fist with my right hand.

A short break from work

feeling from not following FB urge too big didn't know what it wanted was distracting
muscle near right scapula was hurting as it so often does
went outside sunny day to park
feeling at first seemed impenetrable
couldn't tell what it wanted
then halfway down block my body wanted to curl over a bit
fists, esp. right
walking big and strong lifting knees a bit
wow, I thought, this feeling CAN move and transform!
still feeling big so big so uncomfortable
vocalized I want I want I want
I want to eat the whole world
I want to have sex with the whole world
I want to hug the whole world
I grabbed a small tree trunk suddenly with both hands
I punched with my fists slow motion in the air, mostly the right, it felt  natural and not forced
I put my hands on the ground, I stretched my back and legs
right scapula didn't hurt anymore
still uncomfortable, feeling too big
did a couple half handstands, downward dog
vocalized
desire desire in my belly, in my throat!
thought a therapist might say to yell, but I knew if I yelled it would hurt
so I made the noises that felt right and comfortable
low moan low rumbling
creating a vibration
not loud
that took away the sharpness of a wanting too big
made it more rounded, more tolerable, better
a few minutes more slow-mo punching (not forced) and moaning
thought I should wrap it up and go back to work
pressed my right fist against my left palm (winding down the intensity)
low rumbling moan, decreasing in volume as I approached the building door
the scapular pain is gone

The Facebook urge

Multiple times each work day, I feel compelled to check email or Facebook. If I am absorbed in a project, usually writing or coding, I generally don't feel this urge. But when I'm not absorbed, when the path forward is not clear, when I need to organize my thoughts or set priorities or start a new project or remember an old one, the urge is frequent.

Lately I've been looking at the feeling behind the urge, instead of acting on the urge. There's something big and strong there. It might be a strong desire to keep going, to move forward, to make progress.

It seems I am able to face this big, strong desire because of my new habit of opening my body to anger, discussed in an earlier post. Today during my bike commute I explored the transition between opening and closing to anger. The closing gesture involves ceasing belly breathing and creating tension in my neck and throat, especially the right side.When I really want to close, I tense parts of my right torso, including a muscle at the side waist, the shoulder (raising the shoulder slightly), and something in the right mid-back.

Anger

Psychotherapy session one week ago. Reported feeling of irritation stirred up by seeing someone throw trash in the recycling. Paying close attention to associated thoughts & images, discovered I had an intense urge to reach my hand into her body and rip her guts out. Ultimate wish: that she would reassemble herself, come to me, and say, "Oh! now I see how very badly you need attention. What can I do?" I experienced my anger as thoughts and images; T encouraged me to feel it in my body. I struggled a lot with anger at him for trying to help me, resistance against accepting his help, and despair that I could ever progress in the face of this anger and resistance. Also, feelings of humiliation regarding the imagery about the woman (I initially saw an urge to grab her vulva, and desperately wanted not to report this image to T). Finally I was able to pay attention to my body and open my body to the anger. Gradually over the course of 10 or 20 minutes, my whole body felt energized. I had thought that the feelings of powerlessness and humiliation I had experienced initially would also grow to fill my whole body, but no. I felt powerful and proud instead. The feeling was unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable, but I rejoiced to feel it.

Throughout the week I practiced letting my whole body wake up when I felt angry. Easier to do when well rested. Easier to maintain than to initiate. Often I would bring to mind a memory of something someone said that enrages me. Initially I feel tingling, awakening in my right ear. Then, in the spot in my right belly I call Julia's Fire, and in my right throat, and vaguely all up and down my right torso. Then throughout, but still most strongly and strangely in the ride side. When I really dwell on the enraging memory and really bring all that rage into the body, my breathing becomes deep and strong, almost to the point of hyperventilation. I become assertive in my speech and actions.

Aversion

When I don't like what's going on, when I think my state of mind is unsatisfactory, when I think I should be doing something else -- I often now am able to look at JUST the feeling/action of not-liking. It is indeed quite separate from the thing not liked, and noticing it is such a relief.

Today

Had an urge to read email/Facebook. Stopped and examined motivating urge. I think I saw a deep desire to do well at my work. Maybe that desire is hard to look at, uncomfortable to experience.

Last two days at work have been remarkably free of anxiety. I attribute it to insightful meditation sessions in the morning. I've been doing 40 minutes walking/movement meditation, followed by 20-30 minutes yoga. In meditation, I've ben focusing on things other than the breath 98% of the time. Moments after beginning, the primary sensation in my consciousness is panic that I won't be able to stand up straight or breathe. I've been examining the feeling that prompts me to hunch over and stop breathing -- I feel it in the front of my body from neck to knees, and I call it fear. Physically protecting my body with a shield (pillow or closet door) seems to calm me enough that I can look at the fear.

Vocabulary

There's not a rich vocabulary for describing some of the important things in my daily experience.