A few days ago I re-read some of my journal from my long retreat one
year ago. I reminded myself of one of the insights I'd been so excited
about: that certain conditions (making a choice, taking action, feeling
pleasure) trigger particular negative thoughts, which then trigger
tension in my right throat, which in turn leads to a proliferation of
negative thoughts and a constant search for danger. At the time, I
thought that if only I could notice when this tension appears, pause,
and release it, I could avoid much suffering. But I feared that the fast
pace of everyday life -- even when everyday life is relatively calm --
would make this infeasible. Turns out that this was correct. During the
weeks after I returned from retreat, I experienced great frustration and
despair as I lost the ability to interrupt this chain of events.
Today,
during porch-painting and my walk home, I paused every once in a while
to release the right throat tension. This is a practice I'd pretty much
given up last December, partly because eventually I found that I usually
couldn't release it willfully. Today (and yesterday, also), I found
that I could release it at will. Perhaps this is partly due to the
slow-down from my retreat which ended one week ago. It is very pleasant
to release this tension; it brings such a sense of ease. However, today I
found that as soon as took a single step with my feet, whether to apply
paint or to move myself down the street, the right throat tensed again.
A few times I really slowed it down, and noticed that, actually, the
right abdomen tenses first, then the throat. And that if I put my
attention on the right abdomen, the right throat stays mostly relaxed,
and the thought-proliferation and search for danger can be somewhat
averted. This may be something I observed last year; can't remember.
No comments:
Post a Comment