Assessing spiritual development

A few years ago, while on a long road trip with my partner Eric, Eric challenged me thusly: How can you know that your meditation, psychotherapy, and other inner work is working? At first I bristled at the question, but then I developed a self-assessment questionnaire that I could complete annually. The questions measure how well I've been paying attention, how reactive I've been, how honest I've been, my anxiety level, and self-centeredness vs. other-centeredness. This questionnaire is tailored to me, but it could inspire others to create their own.

I did not actually complete the questionnaire until last week. I did notice, however, that my answers to some of the questions indicated progress since I'd devised the questionnaire. I look forward to completing this periodically.

Here are my questions:

1. Describe the eye colors of 6 people you've spoken with recently.
2. What is the phase of the moon?
3. How many times in the past week have you ranted at someone?
4. What was your anxiety level when you woke up this morning?
5. Name the five most significant people in your life. Describe what is important to them. What is currently "up" for them? How hard did you have to think to answer these questions?
6. What was the last lie you told? Why did you tell it?
7. What was the last time you gave a gift? Describe your motivation.
8. What was your response the last time someone expressed anger toward you?
9. Describe your last sexual experience.
10. What is your anxiety level when you pass a stranger on the street? How strong and immediate is your compulsion to judge that person?
11. How depleted did you feel upon coming home from work the most recent work day? Averaged over recent days?
12. Are you scared when Eric exclaims out of the blue?
13. How sad does listening to wailing popular songs make you?
14. How do you feel about interacting with teenagers?
15. How anxious are you about your financial investments?
16. How are you feeling and thinking today?
17. Have you had caffeine?
18. Did you sleep well?
19. Any unusual & impactful recent events?
20. How is your excercise/meditation regime?

Inner child journal

Yesterday I made a strong commitment to attend to the sensations in my right chest and throat that I've been calling my inner child--or, now that I've identified another child state, the infant/toddler child state. And that I'd attend to this child state particularly when my meditation timer goes off every 20 minutes and when I felt a compulsive urge to check email or Facebook. I knew it would be challenging. I kept a log:

9:53
child: I feel sad, heavy. Wary. Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me to risk yet again?

9:57
child: you're just asking me to feel sad all day. This could go on for days or years. What's the point?! It may go nowhere! Safer to just eat a cookie!

10:03
It was challenging to keep attending to the child while talking to my co-worker D. Fear and sadness that I am not receiving attention... then, anger, panic.

10:10
Timer lit up. Didn't want to attend to the child! Sadness magnifies; throat quivers a bit.

10:30
child: So much sadness and fear! It's not horribly unpleasant, but it is very unsettling! It just feels wrong! And, also, right.

10:36
child: A few minutes ago, D. asked me to come look at something; I said "not now".  I'm going to be punished. Looking for danger.
The time is approaching for ISB's 11:15 Wednesday sitting. I am scheduled to meet Julie before, and plan to phone Dad after. Anxious about meeting Julie, talking to Dad, leaving the comfort of absorption in work.

10:45
Attended to  sad/scared child, then feared getting lost in her. Then, seemingly to encourage self: "It would be so cool if the terrified but fiery infant/toddler could provide passion to the talented, high-achieving young girl! What a life that would be!"

10:50
Sixteen breaths attending to child.

11:00
Phoned Dad. Completely ignored child.

11:13
Attended to inner child for 2 minutes before 30 minutes meditation (Kenneth's 2nd jhana). Wondered: what did it mean for me to choose to ignore the child for 30 minutes? Told her I'd be back.

11:15
Jhana meditation was very pleasant. Awareness of child & associated tensions completely disappeared after a few minutes. When I arose from meditation, the child & associated tensions seemed to be absent. They reappeared over a few minutes.

noon
News that a co-worker's son had died. Chit-chat. D and I went to our admin assistant to get the details. Mostly not aware of (my inner) child.

12:30
Sixteen breaths attending to child. Was hard to pull self away from computing.

1:10
Ditto, ditto. Entertained images of infant/toddler interacting with young girl. Sensations expanded, became more full. Amazing and terrible!

1:35
Sixteen breaths with child. Elements of nausea, sadness, excitement, pleasure, sleepiness. Wanted to stay with it!

1:55
Stayed with child through 25 minute journey to Pioneer Square to meet Eric for lunch. While waiting for Eric, awareness of child seemed to avert anger, impatience. Was not aware of child during time with Eric. Returned to child upon boarding 3pm bus back to work. Counted up to 8 and back repeatedly as an aid to focus.

3:27
At desk. Tired. Don't want to make effort to be with child.

3:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Feel sleepy. Throat quivering. Sadness, pulsing. Sense of danger replaced by sense of weariness. Don't want to stay with it.

4:10, 4:30
Ditto, ditto, ditto.

4:50
Sixteen breaths with child. Still felt sleepy and weary, but also a kind of comfortable resignedness. Could have stayed with child if work weren't calling.

Throughout this day, I approached my work with more patience and care than usual. I made fewer mistakes, and experienced very little frustration. I happened to complete a significant task (re-loading T's data using different parameters) just 30 minutes before I was scheduled to leave work. I felt an unusual sense of satisfaction.

Another child state: the talented, praised young girl

The book I've been working with, The Emotionally Absent Mother, calls the various child personalities "child states". This morning during my entire commute I attended to the one child state I'd identified: a sad and terrified, but fiery, infant/toddler who usually tries to stay small and quiet. She feels great fear and despair about what might happen were she to become more expressive. As usual, it took a lot of effort to attend to this child state, because I still half believe the accompanying messages: this work is futile, this work is dangerous.

As I approached my office, my mind leapt with delight toward the various work tasks in front of me. Those tasks seemed like a comfortable refuge from the anxiety of attending to the fiery but terrified infant/toddler. I mostly forgot about the frustration and boredom associated with those tasks, and the dissatisfaction I nearly always feel at the end of the work day. Instead, I imagined happiness, joy, interest, absorption, safety, and satisfaction. And I realized that these imaginings were also associated with a child state, one of a later age than toddler-hood. Somewhere between 4 and 10 years old. The young girl who was good in school, who sped through homework, who was the smartest in the class and received much praise for completing tasks, for productivity. Praise for good grades and for making realistic drawings. This child feels loved!

I commit now to attending to the fiery, terrified infant/toddler throughout my work day. In particular, I will bring my attention to her when my 20 minute timer lights up, and also when I feel the urge to check email or Facebook. Bonus if I can also be aware of the young girl taking pride in her accomplishments.

Inner child work

I've been reading from The Emotionally Absent Mother. The author suggests that it's quite powerful to identify one or more personalities representing various child states. One can then dialog with these personalities or allow them to express themselves via writing, art, movement, etc. Eventually these personalities become well integrated with the adult personality.

So lately I've been thinking of the sensations that I feel in my right torso and throat as an inner child personality. I imagine her to be infant/toddler age. Both Saturday and Sunday I spent about an hour paying attention to this inner child. I again was fascinated by the repetitive message that came up: this is a waste of time, you'd better go get something done, this is dangerous, you don't know what you're doing. And fascinated by how powerful these messages are. Because even though it's clear that there is nothing else that I need to do, and that this isn't really dangerous, I still feel a continuous, strong pull to quit.

Indeed, when I stick with this work, the sensations that develop feel quite unfamiliar and frightening. I don't know where they will lead. Fantasies arise regarding familiar, comforting activities such as eating and work. But both days, after some time, the sensations grew to become a warm, pulsing fullness in my chest. And I found some safety and confidence in that fullness. Today this safety and confidence led to my expressing anger toward my psychotherapist.

This work isn't anything entirely new to me. It's really just an extension of the inner work I've been doing all along.

Since one year ago, when I emerged from 2 months at the Forest Refuge, I've found myself more and more able to allow my mammalian reactions to perceived threats. I didn't really even realize I had these reactions before. I find that when I'm sitting in bed meditating, every time Eric stirs in bed next to me, my body wants to spring into defense by rapidly turning toward him and raising my fists or putting my hands out to block any possible approach. I notice the sound of his movement before I notice the physical reaction--curious! More specifically, I notice the sound, then I notice the thought, "I know I'm about to react physically to this", then there is the reaction and my noticing of it. I am very fortunate that Eric doesn't take this personally and that it disturbs him only slightly.

I noticed many years ago that when I am lying on my back in the presence of another person, I very often lose the ability to know what I want. I feel very passive. I'm in a state of submission. If I am asked what I want, I will not be able to come up with an answer, although I'm quite aware that I'm not comfortable. This happens during psychotherapy, on the massage table, and during sex. I shared this with Eric early in our relationship. Since then, we've had a running joke where Eric might say, "Why don't you lie on your back so that I can ask you what you want?" Until recently I enjoyed this joke; to me it meant that he understood me. But recently he said this, and it infuriated me. I said, "To my inner child, it feels as though you are joking about my having been raped." (To clarify for readers: it does not seem that I have ever been raped, but it seems likely that I was in some way used or abused physically. Or at least grossly disregarded.) It seems like a good thing that I was infuriated.