Friday, September 14, 2012
Log 09/14/12
Noon 75 minutes seated noting. First 45 minutes in Studio P3, then a half hour with my sitting group at work. Much less suffering than yesterday. I was able to relax more. It seemed that I let go (for today, at least) some habit of fierce grasping of experience.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Log 09/13/12
Haven't felt like logging much lately. Also, have been meditating less than 1.5 hours/day most days for past 2.5 weeks or more.
1:50pm 87 minutes seated silent noting in Studio P3 at work. (I quit before 90 minutes.) Quite difficult. I was almost constantly aware of a holding (associated with trauma-related tensions in right side) that I felt desperate to release. Pressure, tension, anguish, expanding, releasing, letting go, relaxing, aching, tension, anguish, pulsing, quivering, letting go ... sleepiness (several times I fell into a dreamy state, then "awoke" into a state without much thought) ... craving, clinging ... coolness, hunger. Mind was fairly quiet; when thinking occurred, I let go quickly ... thinking, shame, anguish ...
1:50pm 87 minutes seated silent noting in Studio P3 at work. (I quit before 90 minutes.) Quite difficult. I was almost constantly aware of a holding (associated with trauma-related tensions in right side) that I felt desperate to release. Pressure, tension, anguish, expanding, releasing, letting go, relaxing, aching, tension, anguish, pulsing, quivering, letting go ... sleepiness (several times I fell into a dreamy state, then "awoke" into a state without much thought) ... craving, clinging ... coolness, hunger. Mind was fairly quiet; when thinking occurred, I let go quickly ... thinking, shame, anguish ...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Log 09/12/12
7:30 am 12 minutes seated noting
11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. So sad to emerge. Today, felt the sadness.
There is a sticker on my computer monitor: FEEL THE FEAR. I spent half the work day feeling the fear. Noticing the resistance to doing work, then imagining the giant person towering over me, menacingly, berating me and threatening me. This helps me have compassion for myself in my non-productivity. But it doesn't help me do the work. Finally at a couple choc chip cookies and got down to it.
11:15 am 30 minutes seated noting. So sad to emerge. Today, felt the sadness.
There is a sticker on my computer monitor: FEEL THE FEAR. I spent half the work day feeling the fear. Noticing the resistance to doing work, then imagining the giant person towering over me, menacingly, berating me and threatening me. This helps me have compassion for myself in my non-productivity. But it doesn't help me do the work. Finally at a couple choc chip cookies and got down to it.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Log 09/09/12
7:00 a.m. One hour 45 minutes seated noting. Neither particularly pleasant nor particularly unpleasant. Good concentration, little distraction, was happy to meditate and didn't desire to stop (but also didn't resist stopping). No cycles of experience/sensation. Didn't feel like A&P. Notes included expanding, pressure, hearing, pleasure, tension, craving (for some better experience), rocking, tingling, releasing, contact, warmth.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated anapanasati concentration practice. I had a caffeine buzz from Linnea's birthday tea party a few hours earlier. The practice was very enjoyable and pleasant! A lot of pleasure ... I find myself having an unbelieving attitude toward the pleasure: this can't be happening, it can't be good, it can't be safe to enjoy this. I absolutely loved the gradual going deeper ... initially noticing tensions and distractions, wondering whether they will ever subside and whether I should do anything to make them subside ... intending to relax into the experience ... occasionally drifting into sleepiness ... and then, from time to time, just noticing that indeed I've gone deeper and the hindrances are at bay and it is so enjoyable and peaceful.
Considering doing this practice as my main practice for the coming week leading up to my retreat.
11pm 15 minutes anapanasati concentration practice before going to sleep.
6:30 pm 40 minutes seated anapanasati concentration practice. I had a caffeine buzz from Linnea's birthday tea party a few hours earlier. The practice was very enjoyable and pleasant! A lot of pleasure ... I find myself having an unbelieving attitude toward the pleasure: this can't be happening, it can't be good, it can't be safe to enjoy this. I absolutely loved the gradual going deeper ... initially noticing tensions and distractions, wondering whether they will ever subside and whether I should do anything to make them subside ... intending to relax into the experience ... occasionally drifting into sleepiness ... and then, from time to time, just noticing that indeed I've gone deeper and the hindrances are at bay and it is so enjoyable and peaceful.
Considering doing this practice as my main practice for the coming week leading up to my retreat.
11pm 15 minutes anapanasati concentration practice before going to sleep.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Log 09/08/12
10:45 At desk at work, spent a few minutes touching my right jaw, noticing, feeling, moving. I employed noting somewhat. The usual rocking, suckling, desire, yearning, pleasure ... hearing, pulsing, pressure, release ... and something new: an intense sensation akin to pain in the right chest. Overall, a sense of desperation, of not knowing what's coming, not knowing what I need, not knowing what to do. And a never-satisfied yearning for some unknown thing.
I meet with Beth in a few hours. I have this notion that I've not been meditating diligently, that I've been misbehaving and will be reprimanded.
I meet with Beth in a few hours. I have this notion that I've not been meditating diligently, that I've been misbehaving and will be reprimanded.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Log 09/07/12
7am 80 minutes seated noting. Lots of thinking about r'ship with Eric. A curious mix of mental anguish (shame, craving, clinging, thinking, fear, sadness) and exquisitely pleasurable sensory experience (hearing, feeling).
Afterward, tried to get something from Eric: love? acknowledgement? I want him to agree with my point of view about his life. I felt despairing that, as he claimed, I cannot meet him with gentleness.
10am 30 minutes noting on bus. Similar experience to 7am sit.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Strong desire to keep meditating; aversion to the end of the session (as I've been experiencing for weeks when meditating with others at work).
10:30 pm 10 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.
Afterward, tried to get something from Eric: love? acknowledgement? I want him to agree with my point of view about his life. I felt despairing that, as he claimed, I cannot meet him with gentleness.
10am 30 minutes noting on bus. Similar experience to 7am sit.
1pm 30 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Strong desire to keep meditating; aversion to the end of the session (as I've been experiencing for weeks when meditating with others at work).
10:30 pm 10 minutes seated noting before going to sleep.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Log 09/06/12
Not sure but I think I was sort of meditating on and off through the night. Was surprised to see that it was 8:30 when I awoke. Was late for lab meeting but felt less panicked about it than usual.
11am session with Trip in Everett. Just a couple minutes into the session, I drifted off into a state of being absorbed in my own mental and bodily experience, seemingly connected to memories of infancy. (This is something that has occurred frequently during sessions for maybe 6 to 10 months, or maybe more.) But I noticed that I was bothered by the sounds of Trip. I emerged from the state and reported this. He suggested I might be angry that he hadn't read my blog, as I'd requested last session, and immediately I knew he was right. We then had about 10 minutes of interaction during which I noticed my trust and liking of Trip and also noticed my fears, anger, and sadness ... and communicated these to Trip as I felt comfortable ... and Trip responding in ways intended to be gentle and supportive ... and me noticing fear/anger/sadness and communicating ... back and forth ... allowing a subtle back and forth during which it was OK for me to reject his offerings, then somewhat accept, then reject.
Then I suddenly went back into the previous state and worked there almost to the end of the session. Very similar to work I do on my own: noticing urges and allowing myself to follow them. I was no longer irritated by the sounds of Trip; perhaps I'd dealt with the anger enough. My body swayed like kelp in the sea. So fascinating! So amazing! to more and more find ways to move spontaneously, seemingly without conscious intervention. Just allowing. I kept finding new ways to listen to myself, new places where I could see a habit of ignoring myself, then let go of that habit. It's OK to do this now. That image or urge is not arbitrary; it has meaning. There is a lot of freedom here. I don't have to ignore myself and refer to a script. What a huge adventure! My body swayed like kelp in the sea, and I also worked with a lot of sensations in my jaw, throat, and mouth. Sometimes suckling, sometimes opening my mouth wide! Just following, following. It is safe here. At first I found my mind busy, and I used noting to stay present. This was scary: to let go of conscious monitoring of my experience. As fun as it's been recently to observe the negative messages such as "this is hopeless", "this is a waste of time", "you're not doing it right", and release them--it seemed today that to go deeper I have to let go of some attachment to these messages--I have to let go of the side of the pool--and that was frightening and exciting.
Relatively enjoyable work day during which I stayed in touch with myself.
Did no formal meditation today. During session with Gene, talked about painful time over weekend when I vetoed Eric's request to pick up markers on the way home from Wyoming; felt like I got no help. Saw Storm (women's basketball) game for date night. Argued with Eric in the evening about whether he is indeed in great need with nobody to help him.
11am session with Trip in Everett. Just a couple minutes into the session, I drifted off into a state of being absorbed in my own mental and bodily experience, seemingly connected to memories of infancy. (This is something that has occurred frequently during sessions for maybe 6 to 10 months, or maybe more.) But I noticed that I was bothered by the sounds of Trip. I emerged from the state and reported this. He suggested I might be angry that he hadn't read my blog, as I'd requested last session, and immediately I knew he was right. We then had about 10 minutes of interaction during which I noticed my trust and liking of Trip and also noticed my fears, anger, and sadness ... and communicated these to Trip as I felt comfortable ... and Trip responding in ways intended to be gentle and supportive ... and me noticing fear/anger/sadness and communicating ... back and forth ... allowing a subtle back and forth during which it was OK for me to reject his offerings, then somewhat accept, then reject.
Then I suddenly went back into the previous state and worked there almost to the end of the session. Very similar to work I do on my own: noticing urges and allowing myself to follow them. I was no longer irritated by the sounds of Trip; perhaps I'd dealt with the anger enough. My body swayed like kelp in the sea. So fascinating! So amazing! to more and more find ways to move spontaneously, seemingly without conscious intervention. Just allowing. I kept finding new ways to listen to myself, new places where I could see a habit of ignoring myself, then let go of that habit. It's OK to do this now. That image or urge is not arbitrary; it has meaning. There is a lot of freedom here. I don't have to ignore myself and refer to a script. What a huge adventure! My body swayed like kelp in the sea, and I also worked with a lot of sensations in my jaw, throat, and mouth. Sometimes suckling, sometimes opening my mouth wide! Just following, following. It is safe here. At first I found my mind busy, and I used noting to stay present. This was scary: to let go of conscious monitoring of my experience. As fun as it's been recently to observe the negative messages such as "this is hopeless", "this is a waste of time", "you're not doing it right", and release them--it seemed today that to go deeper I have to let go of some attachment to these messages--I have to let go of the side of the pool--and that was frightening and exciting.
Relatively enjoyable work day during which I stayed in touch with myself.
Did no formal meditation today. During session with Gene, talked about painful time over weekend when I vetoed Eric's request to pick up markers on the way home from Wyoming; felt like I got no help. Saw Storm (women's basketball) game for date night. Argued with Eric in the evening about whether he is indeed in great need with nobody to help him.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Log 09/05/12
11:10 45 minutes seated noting in studio P3. Less passive than usual: I directed my attention to the trauma-related sensations in the right jaw and throat and tried to move with them. Pleasure, longing, sadness, craving, pressure, rocking, pulsing, hearing. Didn't want to stop. Didn't feel like A&P; not sure which nana(s) I was in. Returning to my desk in the elevator, encountered a senior co-worker around whom I usually feel very bottled up. Found myself smiling and making eye contact with ease, and we conversed a bit.
Stayed in touch with self all day! Yes, it is hard to work at the same time, but I found myself less fearful about lack of progress.
I stayed at the office until around 11pm, when Eric picked me up. The final 2.5 hours I was at the 23andMe website, looking at my genetic data (no surprises) and doing 23andWe surveys. The surveys allow them to correlate the genetic features of their clients with various traits. I really support this but I was also seduced by the survey-taking activity, which is similar to Facebook in its allure.
Meditated about 15 minutes (A&P-like) before going to sleep shortly after midnight.
Stayed in touch with self all day! Yes, it is hard to work at the same time, but I found myself less fearful about lack of progress.
I stayed at the office until around 11pm, when Eric picked me up. The final 2.5 hours I was at the 23andMe website, looking at my genetic data (no surprises) and doing 23andWe surveys. The surveys allow them to correlate the genetic features of their clients with various traits. I really support this but I was also seduced by the survey-taking activity, which is similar to Facebook in its allure.
Meditated about 15 minutes (A&P-like) before going to sleep shortly after midnight.
Me and the monster that is Work
7:30 am: In bed, noticed sadness associated with emotional abandonment of Eric on Sunday. Spoke about it with Eric; observed that I abandon myself in the same way. "For example, right now when I think of what action to take next, I see this gigantic thing above me and in front of me called Work. It is very large, like a building, and amorphous and impenetrable ... nothing subtle about it. And me, I'm a tiny nothing before it, I can't see who I am or what I am, don't know my needs or desires ... just notice that I feel vulnerable and alone, and lethargic ... and that I perhaps desire to just stay here and keep noticing this sadness and fear. But it seems my only choice is whether to get up in 10 or 20 or 30 minutes to go meet the blob, the monster that is Work. I have to go meet it. If I don't go meet it, I won't know what to do, and that would be scarier. And when I go to meet it, I have to stop noticing myself ... I can't feel this fear and sadness and work at the same time."
Actually, this last bit is debatable: in recent weeks, sometimes I've been able to keep feeling. And sometimes I've not.
Eric said that this sounded familiar to him.
Stayed in touch with the fear and sadness throughout commute to work up until this moment, 9:46 am. Noticed new subtleties of sensation and allowed new subtle movements in the muscles of the right throat and jaw ... tiny quiverings, pulsings, suckling movements ... gentle rocking of the head in synchrony. Took a more roundabout walking route from bus stop to office. As I noticed and allowed, the familiar messages came up: time to stop doing this, you don't know what you're doing, you're doing the wrong thing, this is useless, time to move on to something else, you will be punished. They had a tiny bit less influence than ever. I even thought, for the first time, that I can consider these messages as signs that I am doing something right. That I am allowing experiences that I've suppressed all my life. The messages are encouraging signposts, green lights!
As I walked to work, I thought about how much income I need to keep living in the house. If I keep getting rental income, then I only need another $1000/month for mortgage, and another $1000/month for my other expenses. And health insurance.
Actually, this last bit is debatable: in recent weeks, sometimes I've been able to keep feeling. And sometimes I've not.
Eric said that this sounded familiar to him.
Stayed in touch with the fear and sadness throughout commute to work up until this moment, 9:46 am. Noticed new subtleties of sensation and allowed new subtle movements in the muscles of the right throat and jaw ... tiny quiverings, pulsings, suckling movements ... gentle rocking of the head in synchrony. Took a more roundabout walking route from bus stop to office. As I noticed and allowed, the familiar messages came up: time to stop doing this, you don't know what you're doing, you're doing the wrong thing, this is useless, time to move on to something else, you will be punished. They had a tiny bit less influence than ever. I even thought, for the first time, that I can consider these messages as signs that I am doing something right. That I am allowing experiences that I've suppressed all my life. The messages are encouraging signposts, green lights!
As I walked to work, I thought about how much income I need to keep living in the house. If I keep getting rental income, then I only need another $1000/month for mortgage, and another $1000/month for my other expenses. And health insurance.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away, take 2
Just returned from a 10 day orienteering camping trip in Wyoming. Didn't log my meditation, but here is what I remember, briefly:
August 25, late night: meditated as I waited for Eric to get ready for our trip. I was furious. I sat in the living room and occasionally blurted out to him things such as, "I'm never traveling with you again," and, "When you said that you needed to print a form, you didn't say that it was going to take you 30 minutes to first fill it out," in a venomous voice. My attention was precise and it felt like I was back in the 4th nana, the knowledge of arising and passing away.
August 26: I awoke around 7am and meditated joyfully for 3.5 hours. After maybe an hour it felt again like I was in the A&P. I thought, what a delightful vacation I will now have, now that I am in the A&P! I am assuming that I was in first path A&P from about mid-November through January. That time was characterized by mild euphoria, feelings of "being special", desire to get others to meditate, meditating spontaneously in the middle of the night, sometimes for hours, crisp attention during meditation, enjoyment of meditation, and many insights, sometimes one every few seconds. If it is correct that I attained stream entry in July, then it's possible I'm in second path A&P now. The morning of August 26 I had many, but not all, of the things on that list.
Remainder of the week: I meditated sporadically, usually much less than 1.5 hours per day. Did not feel like I was in A&P. At least one session was very painful. The entire week was mostly unpleasant. After around noon every day, and especially the first three days, I felt headachey, dehydrated, lethargic, and uninterested in anything. Every day I disliked camping, as usual. The first two days, I didn't enjoy the orienteering, either. I also didn't feel like socializing with other orienteers. I did enjoy orienteering on days 3, 5, and 6. I also mildly enjoyed going to the pool and/or into town nearly every day with Z.
Yesterday afternoon, E said something to me that made me feel criticized. I started to "feel bad", but then I nearly immediately shifted my attention to memories of Mom being mad at me. After a few minutes, my mind wandered elsewhere and there was no lingering "feeling bad". Remarkable.
Yesterday evening, 09/03/12: Upon arriving home, felt depressed, very sad and gloomy. Talked over some of the events of the weekend with Eric. We gained understanding, but it also brought up a lot of bad feelings. Tried to again shift my attention to early trauma, for relief, but the gloom was too great and I just got gloomier. Felt no relief before falling asleep.
Today, 09/04/12: Awoke around 1am into meditation. Perhaps it's appropriate to say that I awakened into the A&P. Lay in bed meditating for a while. Maybe I drifted off to sleep after an hour or so. Awoke again around 6am and sat for about 20 minutes. Again felt I was in A&P. And again, while on the bus to work. (Side note: I rarely see others meditate on the bus, but today it seemed the man next to me was meditating. He seemed about 35-40 years old and was wearing dress slacks and a white shirt.) I feel euphoric and open to pleasure, and at the same time I am anxious about work and relationships.
August 25, late night: meditated as I waited for Eric to get ready for our trip. I was furious. I sat in the living room and occasionally blurted out to him things such as, "I'm never traveling with you again," and, "When you said that you needed to print a form, you didn't say that it was going to take you 30 minutes to first fill it out," in a venomous voice. My attention was precise and it felt like I was back in the 4th nana, the knowledge of arising and passing away.
August 26: I awoke around 7am and meditated joyfully for 3.5 hours. After maybe an hour it felt again like I was in the A&P. I thought, what a delightful vacation I will now have, now that I am in the A&P! I am assuming that I was in first path A&P from about mid-November through January. That time was characterized by mild euphoria, feelings of "being special", desire to get others to meditate, meditating spontaneously in the middle of the night, sometimes for hours, crisp attention during meditation, enjoyment of meditation, and many insights, sometimes one every few seconds. If it is correct that I attained stream entry in July, then it's possible I'm in second path A&P now. The morning of August 26 I had many, but not all, of the things on that list.
Remainder of the week: I meditated sporadically, usually much less than 1.5 hours per day. Did not feel like I was in A&P. At least one session was very painful. The entire week was mostly unpleasant. After around noon every day, and especially the first three days, I felt headachey, dehydrated, lethargic, and uninterested in anything. Every day I disliked camping, as usual. The first two days, I didn't enjoy the orienteering, either. I also didn't feel like socializing with other orienteers. I did enjoy orienteering on days 3, 5, and 6. I also mildly enjoyed going to the pool and/or into town nearly every day with Z.
Yesterday afternoon, E said something to me that made me feel criticized. I started to "feel bad", but then I nearly immediately shifted my attention to memories of Mom being mad at me. After a few minutes, my mind wandered elsewhere and there was no lingering "feeling bad". Remarkable.
Yesterday evening, 09/03/12: Upon arriving home, felt depressed, very sad and gloomy. Talked over some of the events of the weekend with Eric. We gained understanding, but it also brought up a lot of bad feelings. Tried to again shift my attention to early trauma, for relief, but the gloom was too great and I just got gloomier. Felt no relief before falling asleep.
Today, 09/04/12: Awoke around 1am into meditation. Perhaps it's appropriate to say that I awakened into the A&P. Lay in bed meditating for a while. Maybe I drifted off to sleep after an hour or so. Awoke again around 6am and sat for about 20 minutes. Again felt I was in A&P. And again, while on the bus to work. (Side note: I rarely see others meditate on the bus, but today it seemed the man next to me was meditating. He seemed about 35-40 years old and was wearing dress slacks and a white shirt.) I feel euphoric and open to pleasure, and at the same time I am anxious about work and relationships.
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