Log 10/02/12

3:40 a.m. 90 minutes seated noting. For the first hour the mind wanted to be active, in the same way that it wanted to be active during much of the Hidden Villa retreat. However, whereas during the retreat the thought stream usually won out over and over, during this sitting I noted "craving" whenever I felt the urge to engage in thought, and kept 90% of the thinking at bay (compared to at Hidden Villa). It seemed that this was because my concentration and energy were higher today. The urge to engage in thought was very strong, and I felt it as tingling in the chest and arms. After one hour, the urge subsided. This sitting was hard work, but not deeply unpleasant. Other notes included expanding, releasing, pulsing, hearing, sadness ... and fear.  I had the impression that the mind was dancing with the sense of self ... that the sense of self was trying vigorously to assert itself in devious ways and with devious rationales ... and that the fear (new) was perhaps about letting go. And that the sense of self, or perhaps just a chunk of it, kept dissolving and reformulating. The absence of this sense (or chunk of it) felt weird and uneasy, impossible and wrong ... and right ... and wildly unstable. From time to time I made an effort to let go, physically and mentally.

Noted fairly continuously through commute, morning meeting.

2pm Completed a project. Noticed strong resistance against recognizing success. I could call it terror, but that would be a guess. What I actually observe is a strong tendency for the mind to want to focus on anything but the success. If I relax and direct my mind back to the success, I notice a slight dizziness, slightly stronger heartbeat (though not faster), tingling in the arms, and a forced outbreath. If I tell myself, "I just completed this project!" I hear vague messages like, "It's not a big deal, and it's not enough. It's virtually nothing, really, and I actually did virtually nothing." Also, anxiety at needing to move onto something new.